Denial.

”Because I’m gay too.”

Before I could stop myself, those four little words tumbled past my lips, making me stand there frozen in shock because I had just voiced the reason to my deepest of worries for the first time. I automatically bowed my head, allowing my hair to fall into my eyes since there was probably a whirl wind of emotions in them. I’m horrified with myself for outing myself so easily because I was overwhelmed with emotions, but I’m even more horrified by the fact that Dillon was standing in front of me, completely shell-shocked. He allowed the silence around us to thicken, the atmosphere becoming unbearable as it started to slowly choke me, tears wanting to come to my eyes because it’s so obvious that I made a mistake.

But all of my worries were shattered as Dillon finally summoned up the courage to speak, forcing me into a form of shock because his response was so unexpected.

“You idiot!” He screamed, stomping his foot as his hands balled into fists at his sides, his cheeks seeming to redden with every passing second. “You’re such a disgusting hypocrite!” He plowed on, jabbing his little pointer finger repeatedly into my chest, making it itch slightly.

My eyes widened in shock as my mind fought to comprehend the situation at hands. After all, the tables have turned so suddenly. Dillon was still fuming, spouting insults that were littered with profanities as he continued to reprimand me for being such an asinine creature.

“W-what?” I questioned, brows furrowed, trying to figure all of this out.

“You’re gay and you fucking ignore me and make me feel like I’m going through hell because I’m gay too,” he stated deadpan, staring at me angrily before he exploded again. “You fucking hypocrite!”

“Can I explain myself? Please?” I begged, stepping forward a bit and wanting to break right then and there when Dillon glared at me the second I moved my foot. “I didn’t mean to make your life seem like hell…” I murmured, trying to grab his attention so that I could explain myself. I need to explain myself. “That’s the last thing I was trying to do,” I said earnestly, reaching out to his shoulder. He shrugged it off quickly before stomping into my living room, sitting himself down with a huff and nodding his head, granting me permission to succeed with my explanation. If there’s one thing that I find completely adorable about Dillon, it’s that no matter how hard he tries to fight it, he always lets his curiosity get the best of him.

I sat down across from him, putting my elbows on my knees so I could cradle my head in my hands. My finger tips tangled in the ends of my hair as the heels of my hands pressed against my eyes. I don’t need to watch his reaction because it’s quite obvious nothing ever really goes well for me.

“When I walked in on you, I was just really shocked,” I murmured, my voiced muffled by my hands though I know that he heard me. “I thought I was the only closet homosexual in the town, and finding someone else that was gay, especially the boy that I had secretly developed feelings for was so overwhelming.” I figured since my biggest secret was out, I might as well give all of them up, lay all of my cards out on the table.

“So I tried to distance myself from you because, like, I actually sort of had a chance with you now, but, like, we can’t ever be anything because how horrible our town is. And I figured it would just be easier to get over you, but you kept being the annoyingly persistent guy that I’ve known since we first started to hang out,” I muttered, smiling softly for a few moments once I heard his distinctly indignant scoff from across the room.

“I don’t know. I mean… the second I learned about your sexuality, my mind immediately flashed to my Uncle Mikey. Basically, my family sort of disowned him once he came out. They don’t speak of him now and if they do, they’re more disgusted than anything else. I’m just not ready to deal with that. I still have to get ready for college and prepare to get out of this godforsaken town. I don’t need such huge obstacles like yourself standing in my way, threatening to ruin me so much earlier than I intended. Of course I’m gonna come out to my parents, but I want to be able to stand on my own two feet comfortably first.” I continued on, realizing my explanation was more or less turning into a nervous series of rambles.

“Anyway, I’m just really confused, because this wasn’t in my plan at all. And I’m just… worried and scared and… I just don’t know how else to put my crazy thoughts into words,” I muttered, summing up this entire moronic explanation. As I ran over it in my head, I buried my head deeper into my hands after I realized how pathetic I sounded. I’m scared of my own family finding out who I truly am because I am absolutely positive that they’d hate me. Pathetic.

There was a long pause where nothing was said, making me grow even more anxious with each passing second. All I wanted was to hear Dillon’s murmurs of understanding so that my racing and worrisome thoughts could be put at ease, but instead, in one the smallest and shyest voices I’ve ever heard him use, he asked the last question that I was expected. Of course he’d pick that specific detail out of my entire rant.

“You like me?”

I peeked up at him over my fingertips, completely removing my head from my hands when I saw his hands playing with the loose threads on the edge of his t-shirt, his head tilted downwards though I could clearly see his gorgeous brown eyes peeking at me through his mass of raven locks that I find utterly adorable.

I sighed before I answered truthfully, knowing there was no use lying to him and keeping secrets anymore. “For a while, yeah,” I admitted.

His eyes held a huge smile, but his luscious lips fell into a deep pout as he stared at me incredulously. “I still think you’re a huge idiot,” he deadpanned.

“What? Why?” I asked incredulously.

“You know… that day… when I was, you know… and I was, like, getting really into it…” He trailed off, bringing my thoughts back to the day that I thought had so quickly ruined our friendship. I remember searching his house, wondering where all of the noises were coming from, pinpointing the location when I heard someone scream my name, making me make my way to his bedroom and- Wait.

I looked up at him with wide eyes. “How did I not fucking figure that out before?” I asked myself more than him, bringing the back of my hand to my forehead as if to knock some sense into me. I’m such an oblivious ass. It was so obvious! It was really coincidental too…

Dillon shook his head softly before hesitantly standing up and walking across the living room, placing his tiny body next to my own on my couch. He bit his lips furiously as he allowed his hands to wrap themselves around my right upper arm, leaning his head on it as he traced random patterns with his fingers into my rather obnoxiously pale skin, goose bumps arising wherever his hot breath would fan across my skin.

“I repeat,” he murmured softly. “Jordan, you are an idiot.”

“I am, I am,” I muttered absent-mindedly as I focused on the feeling of his gentle fingers running across my skin, nodding my head to show my agreement.

“So,” he muttered. “Are you, like, gay or do you still find girls attractive?”

“I’ve never found girls attractive,” I answered. “I’ve just always been attracted to guys which I’m totally okay with, I just want to wait until I come out until I know I can support myself, but I’ve always liked slightly feminine guys for some reason. Like, they have feminine qualities at least,” I mumbled absentmindly, twiddling my thumbs. “Like, you have this really adorable attitude that reminds me of a pouncing kitten when you’re mad ‘cause you’re just too adorable to actually be super scary, and your hips just drive me wild, man, like, no joke. They’re so hot,” I mumbled, absentmindedly noting that I have a slight obsession with hips. “And your lips are really pretty too. They’re like… Angelina Jolie’s; really pretty and kissable.”

“I’m not feminine,” he scoffed, tightening his grip on my arm as he moved his head around to get more comfortable, his legs coming up to tuck themselves on the sofa.

“I said you have feminine qualities,” I emphasized, shaking my head.

“Whatever,” he grumbled, letting us lapse into silence before he finally spoke again. “I guess I’ve always liked guys because I like to feel protected,” he said simply. “I’m not attracted to smaller men, but bigger ones who are all tough looking on the outside, but are actually really big teddy bears once you get to know them. Like, I want to feel safe in their arms,” he said, grumbling under his breath about how his explanation sounded so cheesy afterwards.

“I see,” I murmured, smiling as I realized that he was basically admitting about how he viewed me in that special way of his. He never likes to voice his thoughts and opinions out loud, but hint at them and have someone figure them out themselves.

“Yeah,” he muttered, looking up at me as he sighed. “Where does this leave us, Jordan?” He questioned me softly.

I looked down at him before running my free hand through my hair. “Honestly, I don’t know. I still have a lot of thinking to do,” I murmured softly. “I sort of dropped a bomb on you too,” I pressed on.

“Yeah,” he said, a small smile on his lips. “I need some time to think some things over too,” he murmured softly.

“But how about you call me tonight?” I asked hopefully, hoping that that would be enough time for him to sort out his thoughts.

He nodded his head at me, a smile on those extremely luscious lips of his as he unwound his hands from my arms, leaning towards me a bit, making me chuckle at his shy way of asking me what he wanted. I leaned towards him, my hands resting gently on his neck as I pressed my lips to his softly, allowing them to open and close with his for a few minutes, as if they’ve done this before. It all seemed so natural, the way our lips moved, the electric currents that seemed to be jolting through my body, and the way I couldn’t stop nipping at his bottom lip because he tasted exactly like someone as cute as him should taste – like cotton candy.

He pulled away softly, biting his lip as he stared into my eyes, trying to decipher my thoughts. “I’ll call you later,” he stated around a tiny smile.

I just nodded my head before getting up and walking him to the door, handing him the skateboard that he had set against the wall of my foyer. He grabbed it from me graciously before leaning up on his tip-toes, pulling my head down to press one less peck to my lips, a guilty smile on his as he pulled away this time. He shrugged his shoulders as if to tell me that he didn’t care if I wanted it or not.

“Bye, Jordan,” he murmured as he walked out my front door, jumping on his skateboard with his backpack on his back, skating away quickly with a level of skill that I would never have the hope of mastering.

“Bye, Dillon,” I murmured to the air as I closed the door softly, still nibbling my lower lip because it still tasted like him.

That went better than I had planned.