Do You Remember When...?
Do You Remember When...?
“Dawn?”, I called through the house. My voice bounced off the empty walls, hopefully reaching the ears of my daughter. “Dawn, come to daddy. We have to leave. We don’t want to be late for Mommy’s funeral.”
“Will Mommy be there?”, a small voice piped. It wasn’t very far away, I could tell that much. But where? Then I spotted the hall closet door opened a few inches, and through the sliver of light shining in, I could see my two-year-old daughters face.
“Dawn, come out of there.” I quickly opened the door and scooped her into my arms. “We’re leaving.”
“I said, will Mommy be there?”, she repeated. I was trying to avoid answering her question, but God, she was smarter than she looked. And stubborn as a mule. Got that from her mother.
“Yes, Dawn, Mommy will be there.” Just not in the way she thinks.
“Can I talk to her?” Oh God. What was I going to say now?
“Dawn, sweetheart.”, I started cautiously, hoping I could phrase what I needed to say so that a two-year-old could comprehend it. “Don’t you remember what I told you? You won’t be able to talk to Mommy, because she’s going to live with Jesus.” Okay, that worked.
“I have to talk to her!”, she screamed, beginning to cry into my shoulder. My heart was shattering. God, why us? “I have to! I miss her, Daddy.”
“I know, Dawn. I miss her, too.”, I whispered, my voice cracking as well. Glancing quickly at the clock that was still hanging on the wall, I started to walk out the door, still carrying Dawn in my arms. “Let’s go get this over with.”
The heavens opened up as we sat waiting for the funeral to begin. Everyone else in the congregation had an umbrella over their heads, but I had been so busy searching for Dawn that I had neglected to bring one. I felt something tap my shoulder and then an umbrella slid into my lap. I turned around and saw Zacky staring at me sympathetically. Damn, I’d forgotten they would be here. But then again, Freedom was their friend, too.
The pastor talked about Freedom, and how much she would be missed. Well buddy, you don’t know the half of it. She’s been next to me since before I knew my own name, and now she was gone. That’s beyond missing her. That’s...well, it can’t really be explained.
And there was no way the pastor could ever come close to accurately describing Freedom. He only talked about the things that everyone knew, but what about the things only those close to her knew? The things only I knew? Like the way she always smelled like cinnamon. Or the way she loved tomatoes, but wouldn’t go anywhere near ketchup? Or how when she was pregnant with Dawn, all she would eat was waffles? I could never get her to eat anything else. Or the way her smile was just a tiny bit crooked? I loved her smile. I loved everything about her. The honey auburn color of her hair, her sparkling blue eyes, her crooked smile. I loved the way her curves felt underneath my hands, and the look on her face when she held Dawn, like she was the luckiest person in the world.
“Daddy, are you crying?” Dawn’s soft voice broke through my memories and I focused on her tiny face, which sported a look of concern.
“No, uh, Daddy wasn’t crying.”, I answered, wiping the tears from my eyes. Looking around, I realized we were the only ones left seated. I took Dawn into my arms once again and headed to my car to go home.
“Brian!”
I turned around sharply at the sound of my name echoing through the cemetery. Walking towards me was Freedom’s sister, Kristin, with a letter in her outstretched hand.
“Here.” She shoved the envelope into my hands. “Freedom left you this. She said she wanted you to read it.” Pausing, she took a deep, rattling breath and sighed. “I’m sorry, Brian. I know this must be killing you.”
“Just don’t.”, I said, not wanting to cry here, in front of my daughter. I had to be strong for her. “Thank you for this, Kristin. Goodbye.”
I didn’t open the letter until I had gotten home and put Dawn to sleep for the night. It had been burning a hole in my pocket all day, and I was desperate to know what it said. I carefully slit open the envelope, dropping the single piece of paper inside onto the table. I instantly recognized Freedom’s handwriting, and I smiled. I always loved how it looked like italics, no matter how hard she tried to make it look differently. I stared at the letter in front of me, open on the table. Was I scared to read it? Maybe, but I had to know what it said. And if Freedom had wanted me to read it, then I couldn’t turn it down. So I picked the letter up in my shaking hands and read.
Do you remember when...?
Do you remember when you took your first step? I was there. I don’t remember it any better than you do, but I was there. I was always there. We were friends since the beginning, but that might’ve been only because our parents were also the best of friends. We grew up side by side, attached at the hip.
Do you remember when you got your first bike? We were six. I got one, too, because our parents knew that this was yet another thing we would only do together. And on our first ride out, when I fell and scrapped my knees, you were there to make it better. Always my hero.
Do you remember when you stood up for me? When the other kids made fun of my name, and you were always there to face them down. At one point I was ashamed of my name, but you helped me learn to be proud of it. A ‘freedom’, if you will, to be my own person and not care what anyone else though.
Do you remember when we shared our first kiss? It wasn’t exactly how I pictured it would happen. But I always knew it would happen. Even though we dated other people, an undeniable force would draw us back to each other.
Do you remember when you told me you loved me? Oh, those three magical words. The three most beautiful words in the english language. And hearing them come from your mouth? Even better.
Do you remember when we went ‘all the way’? All of our feelings for each other finally colliding? You were my first. It is something I will probably always remember, and I’m glad I was able to give you something that special.
Do you remember when we said ‘I do’? Wedding bells chiming in the distance, all of our friends and family there to witness our formal declaration of love, although we all knew it was there. You slipped that gorgeous ring on my finger, and from that day forward I was yours and only yours. Of course, I’m sure I had been yours from the start.
Do you remember when we heard that tiny heartbeat? The rhythm of the life growing inside of me, the life that we had created together? We both knew it was something that would change our lives forever, but together we were ready.
Do you remember when you first held her in your hands? Such a tiny weight, but such a huge impact. The look on your face...unbelief at the child in your arms. But then I heard those words slip out of your mouth, those three words you had been waiting your entire life to say. ‘I’m a father...’
Do you remember when I got sick? We were so scared. What would happen? The doctors assured us that everything would be fine, but still we weren’t sure. Then came the diagnosis: the beginning of the end. Cancer. It seemed we had been right all along. Things weren’t fine. I was given a year and a half to live, a stretch of time I wouldn’t dream of spending with anyone else but you and our daughter.
Will you remember that day? That horrible day, when the time finally comes for me to say goodbye to everyone I love forever? I know that while writing this letter, I’m still alive, but by the time you read it, I will be gone. Be strong. I know it’s hard. It’s hard for me, too, believe it or not. It’s hard for me to leave you behind. I wish you could come with me, but you have to stay. Dawn needs you. I know she’s too young to understand what any of this means, but she’ll need you there later on to help her.
I’ll miss you, Brian. And I’ll be spending my time in heaven waiting for the day I get to see your face again. You were everything to me. A ‘brother’, a boyfriend, a confident, a lover , a husband, and...a best friend. I want you to remember something for me, Brian. A best friend isn’t someone you meet by chance. A best friend is someone you are destined to find, because God knows how much you’re going to need them. God knew we would need each other. We made each other’s lives interesting, didn’t we? Have you ever though of what our lives would have been like if we hadn’t met each other? I never wanted to. A life without you was too painful to think about. Alright, I’m going to stop now, because I know I’m rambling, and I know how much you hate that. Don’t forget me, Brian. Keep me in your heart. I’ll be here waiting for you when you’re ready to come home. Goodbye Brian, and I love you. Don’t ever forget that.
Love,
Freedom
By the end of the letter, I was crying. Even though she had been dying, she was trying to make me feel better. But God knows I need it. I know I’ll never get over this. But I’ll have to try. Because Freedom was right. Dawn would need me. She was too young to understand anything now, but when she was older, she would need to know. She would need to know that she used to have a mother that loved her very much, a mother who would do anything for her, and a mother who hated to leave her behind.
It wasn’t going to be easy. Sure, there would be times when I would want to break down and cry, as much as I hated to admit it. But I was surrounded by friends and family who would help me get through this, one day at a time.
“Will Mommy be there?”, a small voice piped. It wasn’t very far away, I could tell that much. But where? Then I spotted the hall closet door opened a few inches, and through the sliver of light shining in, I could see my two-year-old daughters face.
“Dawn, come out of there.” I quickly opened the door and scooped her into my arms. “We’re leaving.”
“I said, will Mommy be there?”, she repeated. I was trying to avoid answering her question, but God, she was smarter than she looked. And stubborn as a mule. Got that from her mother.
“Yes, Dawn, Mommy will be there.” Just not in the way she thinks.
“Can I talk to her?” Oh God. What was I going to say now?
“Dawn, sweetheart.”, I started cautiously, hoping I could phrase what I needed to say so that a two-year-old could comprehend it. “Don’t you remember what I told you? You won’t be able to talk to Mommy, because she’s going to live with Jesus.” Okay, that worked.
“I have to talk to her!”, she screamed, beginning to cry into my shoulder. My heart was shattering. God, why us? “I have to! I miss her, Daddy.”
“I know, Dawn. I miss her, too.”, I whispered, my voice cracking as well. Glancing quickly at the clock that was still hanging on the wall, I started to walk out the door, still carrying Dawn in my arms. “Let’s go get this over with.”
The heavens opened up as we sat waiting for the funeral to begin. Everyone else in the congregation had an umbrella over their heads, but I had been so busy searching for Dawn that I had neglected to bring one. I felt something tap my shoulder and then an umbrella slid into my lap. I turned around and saw Zacky staring at me sympathetically. Damn, I’d forgotten they would be here. But then again, Freedom was their friend, too.
The pastor talked about Freedom, and how much she would be missed. Well buddy, you don’t know the half of it. She’s been next to me since before I knew my own name, and now she was gone. That’s beyond missing her. That’s...well, it can’t really be explained.
And there was no way the pastor could ever come close to accurately describing Freedom. He only talked about the things that everyone knew, but what about the things only those close to her knew? The things only I knew? Like the way she always smelled like cinnamon. Or the way she loved tomatoes, but wouldn’t go anywhere near ketchup? Or how when she was pregnant with Dawn, all she would eat was waffles? I could never get her to eat anything else. Or the way her smile was just a tiny bit crooked? I loved her smile. I loved everything about her. The honey auburn color of her hair, her sparkling blue eyes, her crooked smile. I loved the way her curves felt underneath my hands, and the look on her face when she held Dawn, like she was the luckiest person in the world.
“Daddy, are you crying?” Dawn’s soft voice broke through my memories and I focused on her tiny face, which sported a look of concern.
“No, uh, Daddy wasn’t crying.”, I answered, wiping the tears from my eyes. Looking around, I realized we were the only ones left seated. I took Dawn into my arms once again and headed to my car to go home.
“Brian!”
I turned around sharply at the sound of my name echoing through the cemetery. Walking towards me was Freedom’s sister, Kristin, with a letter in her outstretched hand.
“Here.” She shoved the envelope into my hands. “Freedom left you this. She said she wanted you to read it.” Pausing, she took a deep, rattling breath and sighed. “I’m sorry, Brian. I know this must be killing you.”
“Just don’t.”, I said, not wanting to cry here, in front of my daughter. I had to be strong for her. “Thank you for this, Kristin. Goodbye.”
I didn’t open the letter until I had gotten home and put Dawn to sleep for the night. It had been burning a hole in my pocket all day, and I was desperate to know what it said. I carefully slit open the envelope, dropping the single piece of paper inside onto the table. I instantly recognized Freedom’s handwriting, and I smiled. I always loved how it looked like italics, no matter how hard she tried to make it look differently. I stared at the letter in front of me, open on the table. Was I scared to read it? Maybe, but I had to know what it said. And if Freedom had wanted me to read it, then I couldn’t turn it down. So I picked the letter up in my shaking hands and read.
Do you remember when...?
Do you remember when you took your first step? I was there. I don’t remember it any better than you do, but I was there. I was always there. We were friends since the beginning, but that might’ve been only because our parents were also the best of friends. We grew up side by side, attached at the hip.
Do you remember when you got your first bike? We were six. I got one, too, because our parents knew that this was yet another thing we would only do together. And on our first ride out, when I fell and scrapped my knees, you were there to make it better. Always my hero.
Do you remember when you stood up for me? When the other kids made fun of my name, and you were always there to face them down. At one point I was ashamed of my name, but you helped me learn to be proud of it. A ‘freedom’, if you will, to be my own person and not care what anyone else though.
Do you remember when we shared our first kiss? It wasn’t exactly how I pictured it would happen. But I always knew it would happen. Even though we dated other people, an undeniable force would draw us back to each other.
Do you remember when you told me you loved me? Oh, those three magical words. The three most beautiful words in the english language. And hearing them come from your mouth? Even better.
Do you remember when we went ‘all the way’? All of our feelings for each other finally colliding? You were my first. It is something I will probably always remember, and I’m glad I was able to give you something that special.
Do you remember when we said ‘I do’? Wedding bells chiming in the distance, all of our friends and family there to witness our formal declaration of love, although we all knew it was there. You slipped that gorgeous ring on my finger, and from that day forward I was yours and only yours. Of course, I’m sure I had been yours from the start.
Do you remember when we heard that tiny heartbeat? The rhythm of the life growing inside of me, the life that we had created together? We both knew it was something that would change our lives forever, but together we were ready.
Do you remember when you first held her in your hands? Such a tiny weight, but such a huge impact. The look on your face...unbelief at the child in your arms. But then I heard those words slip out of your mouth, those three words you had been waiting your entire life to say. ‘I’m a father...’
Do you remember when I got sick? We were so scared. What would happen? The doctors assured us that everything would be fine, but still we weren’t sure. Then came the diagnosis: the beginning of the end. Cancer. It seemed we had been right all along. Things weren’t fine. I was given a year and a half to live, a stretch of time I wouldn’t dream of spending with anyone else but you and our daughter.
Will you remember that day? That horrible day, when the time finally comes for me to say goodbye to everyone I love forever? I know that while writing this letter, I’m still alive, but by the time you read it, I will be gone. Be strong. I know it’s hard. It’s hard for me, too, believe it or not. It’s hard for me to leave you behind. I wish you could come with me, but you have to stay. Dawn needs you. I know she’s too young to understand what any of this means, but she’ll need you there later on to help her.
I’ll miss you, Brian. And I’ll be spending my time in heaven waiting for the day I get to see your face again. You were everything to me. A ‘brother’, a boyfriend, a confident, a lover , a husband, and...a best friend. I want you to remember something for me, Brian. A best friend isn’t someone you meet by chance. A best friend is someone you are destined to find, because God knows how much you’re going to need them. God knew we would need each other. We made each other’s lives interesting, didn’t we? Have you ever though of what our lives would have been like if we hadn’t met each other? I never wanted to. A life without you was too painful to think about. Alright, I’m going to stop now, because I know I’m rambling, and I know how much you hate that. Don’t forget me, Brian. Keep me in your heart. I’ll be here waiting for you when you’re ready to come home. Goodbye Brian, and I love you. Don’t ever forget that.
Love,
Freedom
By the end of the letter, I was crying. Even though she had been dying, she was trying to make me feel better. But God knows I need it. I know I’ll never get over this. But I’ll have to try. Because Freedom was right. Dawn would need me. She was too young to understand anything now, but when she was older, she would need to know. She would need to know that she used to have a mother that loved her very much, a mother who would do anything for her, and a mother who hated to leave her behind.
It wasn’t going to be easy. Sure, there would be times when I would want to break down and cry, as much as I hated to admit it. But I was surrounded by friends and family who would help me get through this, one day at a time.