Rock Bottom

As much as I didn't let it show in front of him, it killed me to see Zack so weak and hurting so much. He was right... I didn't understand. Not completely, anyway. I knew that addictions were hard to beat, and that Heroin was one of the most difficult to kick, but I knew that it wasn't impossible. There were thousands of stories the world over about former Heroin addicts who had managed to overcome their habit and turn their lives around. I just wanted my brother to be the next success story. I didn't want to watch him crumble and succumb to the hold that the drug had over him. I didn't want him to be another statistic, or just another rockstar whose life was ruined and ended prematurely because he didn't have the power to say 'no'. He was going to overcome the addiction... I wasn't going to let it overcome him.

That first night with him was difficult. I wasn't one of those people who could go days without sleep easily. It took all I had to stay awake so I was able to check on him throughout the night and make sure that he was alright. I couldn't just leave him alone. I didn't trust him to be left alone. I knew that if I closed my eyes, even just to catch a quick nap, he'd be down those stairs and jacking that poison into his veins before I could even get out of bed. I'd forced myself to stay awake, reminded myself of why I was there. If Zack was going to have to suffer, I had to make sacrifices too... and depriving myself of sleep for his sake was only the beginning.

When morning came, and I'd managed to calm him down a little, I'd led him to the bathroom, cleaned up his arm and grabbed some fresh clothes for him. He probably hadn't changed in days, let alone showered, but that wasn't important for the moment. It was going to be a long, hard process and he didn't need to uphold the reputation he'd once had for being so handsome in front of me. I was his sister... I didn't need him to be glamorous and clean. I just needed him to be safe and alive and my focus was on keeping him that way.

To my surprise, once the blood on his arm had been washed away, he told me that he wanted to shower. I'd smiled and left him to it, hoping that it would make him feel better and a little more fresh... anything to make facing the oncoming struggle a little easier for him.

While he showered, I went downstairs and cleaned up all the paraphernalia that had been left out the night before. The syringes on the table, both used and new, were thrown into a black bag, along with the little baggie of powder that had been set beside them. It all had to go. I couldn't risk there being any temptation right in front of his eyes. There'd be enough mental torment for him... Anything that would make him crave a fix even more had to go.

I busied myself with cleaning up the front room, which clearly hadn't been tidied in a good while. He was living in a mess and it saddened me to see the harsh reality of what his life had become. Mentally, I chastised myself for not stepping in sooner. The thought of him living each day in the dump that he'd created for himself hurt... but it was time to change it all.

I opened the curtains, letting the natural light from outside flood into the room for the first time in God knew how long and when I heard the water switch off upstairs, I headed into the kitchen and set about making coffee for the both of us. I definitely needed it. The lack of sleep from the night before was catching up with me already.

"Hey," I smiled at him as he came down the stairs, dressed in the clothes that I'd set out for him, his hair still wet from his shower. "Feel better?" I extended the cup of coffee to him. Black, with one sugar... Just how he'd always liked it.

He nodded weakly and took it, mumbling a quick thanks before he turned and headed into the living room. I followed, watching as his eyes darted around. I bet he barely recognized the place. It was a far cry from the untidy darkness that he'd been sitting in less than twenty-four hours ago. He padded over to the couch, sitting himself down slowly and cradling the warm coffee in both hands. "You... didn't have to do this," he said softly.

I nodded my head, offering him a smile. "I know I didn't." I shrugged, pausing to take a sip of my coffee. "I wanted to, Zacky. It's time to get your life back on track. You can't live like that... It was a mess."

His eyes lowered and he focused his gaze on the liquid inside the mug, nodding a little bit again. He knew I was right. "Where did you... put the....?"

I shook my head, knowing exactly what he meant. He didn't even have to finish the question, and I could tell that he wasn't going to anyway. "It's gone, Zee," I told him bluntly. "No more junk to ruin your life."

He heaved a sigh and closed his eyes for a brief second. I wondered what was going through his mind, and figured it was probably all kinds of bad things about me but I didn't care. He could hate me all he wanted for taking his precious Heroin away, because I knew he'd thank me in the end. "You don't know what you're getting yourself into," he mumbled, sniffing and then looking up at me.

I felt sorry for him, but I wasn't going to let my guard down. I'd made my decision and I was sticking to it. I'd told him I wasn't giving up on him; that I wasn't going anywhere until he was clean and I meant it. I was going to help him, no matter how difficult and draining it was going to be for the both of us. "Maybe not," I admitted, moving over to the couch and sitting down beside him, "but I'm gonna be here with you every step of the way."

"You're gonna hate me," he said, shaking his head, but I knew I wouldn't. He was my big brother. I couldn't ever hate him. "It's a horrible thing, Sam," he went on, "going cold turkey it's... it's painful."

He sounded like he wanted to cry, and he probably did. I wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him against me slightly. "I won't hate you, Zacky," I whispered to him, "I promise. I'm here to help you. I know it's going to be hard. I know it's going to hurt but in the end... it'll be better for everyone, and you'll thank me for it."

His eyes closed as he leaned his head on my shoulder, and he took a deep breath in. "I'm sorry," he said, "for everything that I'm going to put you through." He was started to shiver again, and I tightened my arm around him.

"It's OK, Zee," I reassured him, not knowing exactly what lay ahead, but knowing that no matter how hard it got, I wasn't going to turn my back on him and walk away. "I love you."

"I love you too," he said, wiping at his eyes with one hand as he held his coffee, still untouched, in the other.

I nodded, letting out a deep sigh. "I know you do," I let him know, squeezing him to me a little and giving a sympathetic smile. "Now... drink your coffee."