Right Here

“Hey, you think before I go we could talk?” Darren, my boyfriend, asked as we drove home.

“Sure. No one should be home so you can come inside.” I told him.

“Well, actually I was thinking we could just stay in the car.” He said. He turned to face the road and wouldn’t look at me again.

“Ok.” I simply stated.

As we were halfway home the rain had started to fall. The rain drops hitting the car were a comfort from the awkward silence between us. The rain continued to pour the rest of the way home. It poured more and more, but as I listened it was only rain. There was no sign of a thunderstorm coming. At last we had arrived at my house, but a part of me dreaded the coming conversation.

“Look, I’m sorry Evi. I just think it would be better if we saw other people from now on.” He whispered bluntly. It felt like I had been slapped.

“Fine, just do what you want. Goodbye Darren.” I told him. Without another word I ran from the car and into my house. I could feel the raindrops soaking my clothes but I didn’t care.

Quickly I ran up the stairs and into my room. As I collapsed on my bed the tears began to pour. I started to sob into my pillows knowing I wouldn’t be disturbed. Even if someone was here they never checked up on me. As sob after sob escaped my lips I thought of what I could have possibly done wrong. I’ve never had much luck with relationships, but I had really thought that Darren had changed that. I loved him, but I guess that wasn’t enough. It was never enough.

Through my tears I did all I could think of doing to help the pain; I dug under my bed for my little box. I opened and unwrapped my razor. I climbed back on my bed and placed it against my skin. I cried as I made three long marks and a few smaller ones on my arm. I placed the razor back in its place and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up to the sounds of rocks, I think, hitting my window. Unwillingly I went to my window and found my best friend, Lawson, in the tree across my window. As I looked at the clock it read two a.m. I opened my window as he made his way in.

“What are you doing Lawson?” I asked

“I was worried. You didn’t answer any of my texts, calls, or anything.” He told me, I could hear his concern.

“What are you talking about I didn’t get any of it?” I claimed as I opened my phone. I had ten missed call and fifteen texts.

“I’m guessing you couldn’t hear the phone.” He laughed half heartedly.

I started to think of how I didn’t hear my phone. Then I remembered I couldn’t hear anything over the rain and my sobs. Right then my cuts stung and reminded me of what I had done. I sat on the bed while Lawson just watched me. How could I do it? I had promised to stop because he had begged me too. Then I remembered Darren. All too sudden I felt the sting of the break up and the sadness of knowing I had let my friend down. I started to cry again.

Lawson sat near me and asked what’s wrong, but all I could do was shake my head. Still he understood and brought me back up onto the bed. There we lay with him holding while I cried. I fell asleep in his arms.

I woke up thanks to the sunlight in my room. As I tried to sit up I realized Lawson’s arms were still wrapped around me. Though thanks to my movement he was now awake.

“Morning sleepy.” I smiled.

“Yeah, sure morning.” He mumbled rubbing his eyes.

“Shouldn’t you go home; I don’t want you getting in trouble.” I suggested.

“Nope, I’m fine. Plus, my parents are away for a week on a business trip.” He claimed.

“That’s nice. Well, I’ll be back in a minute." I said standing up and stretching my arms. As I started for the door he grabbed my arm causing me to wince when I turned to face him.

“You promised me you would stop this.” He began. I looked down refusing to meet his gaze.

“I know Lawson. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…… it just happened. I’m sorry.” I said with my head hanging.

“Why? Why, Evi? Why after I begged you not to, did you do it?” he quietly demanded. I could hear the strain in his voice.

“I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO! DARREN HAD JUST BROKEN MY HEART, AND I WAS HERE CRYING BY MYSELF. I just needed some kind of release!” I yelled.

“Why didn’t you call me? Why didn’t you tell me when it happened? I could have come here. I would’ve tried to help you. I would have done whatever you needed me too as long as it meant you wouldn’t do this again.” He almost begged in a way. He hand was on my arm, and his fingers brushing gently against my cuts.

As I looked into his eyes I saw hurt and disappointment. I felt myself snap and screamed, “WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CARE? WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE CARE? WHAT DOES IT MATTER TO YOU WHAT I DO? WHAT WOULD IT MATTER TO ANYONE IF I WAS DEAD?!”