Rorschach

My feet curled into my legs as I sat down in the over stuffed, upholstered chaise lounge. It was wrong for me to sit here. My skin was too rough, too dirty, and far too sinful to sit in such a soft seat. No, I didn't deserve it.

Today, Tuesday, was my first therapy session with Miss Astor. The first in a long line of upcoming days with her. Day one and I already need a cigarette.

Her large smirk, sneering eyes, that slight cock of her head. Everything about her screamed cruel. There was no doubt she was one of them. I wouldn't let her get to me. I'll get them back. I'll get them all.

I couldn't possibly imagine myself opening up to her. There was a fear she'd dig herself deep into my skin, down to the butt of the bones. I won't let her break me.

With venom on the tip of my lips and my eyes bearing deep into her own, I lashed out, "Well?"

After a short moment, she spoke, "Let's start with something simple. Who are you?" Her smile was more than irritating now. What was she keeping from me? What did she know?

Moments passed as I pretended to ponder her question. "No word can describe me. Just events."

"Tell me, then. One event. That shouldn't be too hard, Rue." I noted the growing smirk on her face. She probably thought it was friendly and kind, but I saw right through her.

I felt the surge in my emotions, despite trying to ignore her presence. Feelings of frustration, lonesomeness, fear swirled in my head, leaving my guard momentarily lowered. Only by looking away from her stare was I able to hush the tears that threatened to spill over my cheeks.

The window to my right was open, letting the Autumnal breeze wisp through the room. It was able to lift my soul and trail the remnants to another world. I felt myself slip away.

No longer did I sit in the room with Miss Astor. Instead, I was a weeping mess, hiding under the bridge in old Glenn Park. A light drizzle swept the city, leaving it nearly completely deserted. The average Californian wanted nothing to do with the cold rain. I wanted nothing more than to sink into the ground and dissolve.

There I sat bloody, bruised, and damned heartbroken. Down to the bones in my skin, never again to shine as a star. I was not able to look at myself in such a state. Something screamed imbecile at the notion of bleeding myself dry and I don't mean due to blood loss. It was exactly the description of my current life's state.

Now, in the drizzle was the not-so-fine moment of realizing I had caused this all. No excuse would cover. Right now, right then, I was no better than them, no better than her, no better than him. Not even my own silhouette could come close to grasping the string of fibers that made up the shell case of my being.

That night I wept away without fear in the center of the park. Along with my tears, whatever will left to possibly return me home strayed from my being.

The glaze from atop my eyes vanished as I blinked back to reality. Just like that, I sat in her office again.

"No, it's not too hard. It's obliterating."

For a moment, she seemed to understand through listening to my deadbeat voice. The knowledge of which side she took upon flashed back into my head and the connection was lost. She wasn't one of us. There wasn't a chance she'd know. I shrugged the feeling off. No use in pondering over the "could of been."

I settled on looked down at my lopsided knees. They were shaking and sweaty; I was beyond nervous, not to mention on the verge of spilling more than just tears. Out, I needed out.

My downshifted eyes threw a nervous glance in her direction, meeting her eyes for but a moment before retreating. Licking my antsy lips, I asked almost shyly, "M - may I go?"

She nodded. "Sure, come back Thursday. Same time."

The moment she finished, I nodded and threw myself from the couch and out the door. I ran through the building, out the lobby, and down the busy streets without stopping, barely even giving thought to those driving. Even my burning lungs and the pounding I was taking couldn't stop my feet. Not till I reached the bridge in old Glenn Park.

A rapid heart beat matched my hiccuped breathing. The trees swayed and birds chirped, but I saw none of it as I remembered the many days I spent here. As I bent over and lurched out my breakfast, my mind repeatedly screamed out, “Why?!"