The Secrets of Billie Joe Armstrong

"Congratulations, Ollie, you have a beautiful baby boy."

The nurses took him and washed him quickly before handing him to me.

"Is he okay?" I asked the doctor as he laid in my arms. "I mean his lungs and things are developed? He's over a month premature."

"He should be fine. He's breathing perfectly. Don't worry. Now do you have any clothes for him to wear?"

I answered yes and they guided me into another maternity room after a few minutes. Grace was waiting in there. I asked her to be there for the birth, but she said she couldn't stomach it and would be right outside.

"Oh, fuck Ollie! He's fucking gorgeous!" She called. "Are you okay?"

The cramps all over my body were nothing compared to the birth.

"A bit sore, but okay."

"What are you going to call him?" Grace asked as I handed my son to her. She cradled him in her arms.

"I don't know." Then it hit me. Andy's middle name.

Grace stared at me.

"Billie Joe." I said finally. "His name is Billie Joe Armstrong."

"That's sweet you chose Andy's middle name. It suits him. Hello, little Billie." Grace cuddled him.

I watched them together. I knew I couldn't do this the second I had him. I didn't feel a connection with Billie Joe. I don't think I ever will.

"Grace? I'll be right back." I said. "Stay here with... Billie." I walked out the door in search of the doctors.

"Excuse me?" I asked once I saw him. "I need to ask you something."

"Yes, Miss?"

"You know how you said that you might take Billie Joe, my son, away? Well I want to file him for adoption. I can't do this. I want to give him a proper home. And I know that can't be with me."

"Are you certain, Miss? We can file them in from here. Usually the adoptive parents are people who can't have children of their own."

"I know. And yes, I'm certain. Please can you do it very soon?"

"Later today he'll be registered. I'm very happy you chose to do this. It's what's best for your son."

The doctor and I shook hands and I went back to my room. Grace was still with Billie, and I told her I need a shower. She looked at me funnily for a minute as I gathered up my clothes and other things I needed. I wanted to look relatively decent when I told her. I felt so dirty at the moment.

Stumbling into the shower and washing my hair, I contemplated what I was doing. Adoption was the right option, I knew that. Billie Joe needs a good home and I sure as hell could never give that to him. He'd be okay, I'm sure of it. Andy would forgive me from where ever he was right now. My parents would never know about it.