I'm Coming Undone
Delirious Definitions
Sa-dism [sey-diz-uh m]
–noun
1. Psychiatry. sexual gratification gained through causing pain or degradation to others.
The word its self seems so common and so simple but when you’re staring its definition in the face, it seems so disgusting. To take pleasure in the pain of others is vile, and repulsive; yet, I do. I can’t help it- it just happens.
I can remember so many times that I’ve laughed at others pain, been excited by it. I enjoy the pain and fear I put in others; it gives me power. I’m a tyrant- I push, I shove, I order, and I do it all to those closest to me. I revel in the high it gives me; I breathe it in like it’s necessary, because to me, it is.
‘Psychiatry?’ To state it like so makes sadism seem just like anything else. Makes it seem like a couple of pills thrown down a dry throat can make it go away. But it’s not like that. Sadism isn’t just a disease, it’s something that evolves over time, it’s a digression of the mind, where in the end of it all, you might just go insane.
I fear I’m already there because from one side- the outside- I am sadistic, but from the inside, a side no one else has truly seen, I’m a masochist.
Mas-och-ism [mas-uh-kiz-uh m]
-noun
1. Psychiatry . the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.
I find it, almost funny, that one person can house two completely opposite conditions. That when I’m in the outside world, where impressions matter, I hold my head high and look down my nose at others, but when I’m all alone, I become so submissive to my imaginaries and my fantasies, I become so hooked on the thought of being claimed and dominated so entirely.
My tendencies become so obvious in my characters though, strong females who fall for the men they shouldn’t. Men who degrade them, abuse them, and use them. It’s a relationship that society frowns upon, and yet I yearn for it. I want someone to shove me around, and to claim me as theirs. I lose myself in the idea of having someone best me.
And now when I think about it, I have to wonder, which one came first? My wish to dominate or my wish to be dominated?
It’s a delirious thought pattern that I have fallen into.
–noun
1. Psychiatry. sexual gratification gained through causing pain or degradation to others.
The word its self seems so common and so simple but when you’re staring its definition in the face, it seems so disgusting. To take pleasure in the pain of others is vile, and repulsive; yet, I do. I can’t help it- it just happens.
I can remember so many times that I’ve laughed at others pain, been excited by it. I enjoy the pain and fear I put in others; it gives me power. I’m a tyrant- I push, I shove, I order, and I do it all to those closest to me. I revel in the high it gives me; I breathe it in like it’s necessary, because to me, it is.
‘Psychiatry?’ To state it like so makes sadism seem just like anything else. Makes it seem like a couple of pills thrown down a dry throat can make it go away. But it’s not like that. Sadism isn’t just a disease, it’s something that evolves over time, it’s a digression of the mind, where in the end of it all, you might just go insane.
I fear I’m already there because from one side- the outside- I am sadistic, but from the inside, a side no one else has truly seen, I’m a masochist.
Mas-och-ism [mas-uh-kiz-uh m]
-noun
1. Psychiatry . the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.
I find it, almost funny, that one person can house two completely opposite conditions. That when I’m in the outside world, where impressions matter, I hold my head high and look down my nose at others, but when I’m all alone, I become so submissive to my imaginaries and my fantasies, I become so hooked on the thought of being claimed and dominated so entirely.
My tendencies become so obvious in my characters though, strong females who fall for the men they shouldn’t. Men who degrade them, abuse them, and use them. It’s a relationship that society frowns upon, and yet I yearn for it. I want someone to shove me around, and to claim me as theirs. I lose myself in the idea of having someone best me.
And now when I think about it, I have to wonder, which one came first? My wish to dominate or my wish to be dominated?
It’s a delirious thought pattern that I have fallen into.
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Yeah, I don't really like this at all. But it's about me, so that's probably why.