Someone out There Loves You

I switched off the light in the bathroom, letting my eyes adjust to the dark and making my way to my bed using only the city lights outside the curtained window for guidance. Getting under the covers, I saw Mikey lying in his own bed, facing away from me. I knew he wasn’t asleep.
“Mikey?” I asked. “You alright?” He shrugged.
I lay flat and stared at the ceiling, folding my arms behind my head so my palms were cupping my skull and my elbows nearly hit the wall.
“You stuttered today when you shook her hand, you know.”
“Gee Gerard, I didn’t hear myself speak.”
“C’mon, don’t be like that. You didn’t mean to.”
“Well you didn’t stutter. I could’ve stopped it.”
“You were nervous. It’s understandable.”
“Not to her.”
“True. But I’m still proud that you spoke at all—you were shaking when she was going around the bus to everyone else.” That was true; as soon as Clayah’s uncomfortable moment had passed (the entire procedure was rather hilarious), Mikey’s knees about gave out on him. I subtly put my hand on the small of his back and held him up, giving him a “calm down it’s okay don’t panic” face, and he stopped in time. It may have been from shock, though.
“I’m sure she didn’t even notice the stutter. She seemed pretty nervous herself.”
“Gerard,” Mikey said, sitting up in bed and throwing his legs over to face me, “Remember what I said after we’d been hiding in the closet at the Shier’s? When Clayah came home?” I nodded. (“She was right there…” The look of pain and peril and shock on his face.)“Well… this was like that. Only worse.”
I sat up too, facing him. “I know, Mikey—“
“No Gerard, you really don’t.” His voice was tight now, harsh. “You… you weren’t there when…”
I reached across the space between us, putting my hand on his knee. I didn’t really know what else to do. But I felt that that gesture did say something. I didn’t completely understand how Mikey felt, that went “said”, but I knew some. I felt like my arm was bridging part of that space.
“I was scared too,” I said softly.
Mikey shook his head. “But you didn’t stutter.”
“Hey, I had enough trouble getting my voice out. I just about pissed myself I was so scared!” That made him grin. “In a lot of ways, you were braver than me. It was way harder for you. But you could still do it.”
Mikey fell asleep faster than I did. I lay awake for a while, staring at the ceiling again, remembering the night we’d just had. Exhausting as it was, it was the most fun I’d had in ages. The time I spent with Clayah during The Non War (as we’d dubbed it) gave me the chance to really see her. She was clever, and funny, and impressively mature for someone her age. It became easier to see how she’d gotten where she was.
I rolled over (scratching a bit of dirt that I’d missed from my ear) and slept that night more soundly than I had since our trip to Chicago.

“Molly, Clayah. C’mon guys, up and at ‘em.” Mark shook my shoulder. I slapped his hand.
“OW! Was that totally necessary?”
“Yersh,” I said through my pillow.”
“Well then, I’ll just dump this pot of coffee down the drain—“
“NO.” I jumped up and ran for the coffeepot (which was difficult, since I had to jump up on the couch and around Mark) and body blocked his path. I heard Molly laugh at me. “That’s sacrilegious, Shark.”
Mark rolled his eyes. “Guppy, last time I checked, coffee wasn’t a religion.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “It is to me.”
“Jesus,” Molly laughed. “You’re worse than Gerard.” I stuck my tongue out at her and poured myself a cup of Life’s Sweet Nectar.
“Shark and Guppy?” Molly asked.
“Huh?”
“You called Mark ‘Shark’ and he called you ‘Guppy.’ What’s up with that?”
Mark smiled and sat down on the couch, covering himself with the blanket I had been sleeping under. “When Clayah and I were little, we would always play in the sprinkler or kiddie pool in my backyard—“
“—Chicago summer’s are fucking hot,” I added.
“--And I could always tackle her down in the water cuz I was so much bigger than her,” Mark said, his tone cocky.
“Dude, you’re three years older than me!” I rolled my eyes. “It was actually ‘cause we always played that game, ‘Sharks and Minnows.’ And Mark always won.”
“But she got ‘Guppy’ instead of ‘Minnow’ because she’s even weaker than a minnow,” Mark laughed.
“Did you know hot coffee burns can leave your face scarred for life?”
Molly was laughing pretty hard. “You two are so weird.”
“Gracias,” I said blandly, sitting back down and yanking half of my blanket back over myself.
Molly was still pretty goddamn tired, but I wasn’t. She had just about bitten off my fingers when I was still trying to keep her awake the night before (I’m a bit of an insomniac, but when I do sleep it’s to avoid the morning, which is why I get so pissy).
We talked about how she found out Frank was her Dad, her touring over the past summer with My Chem, and how she met her boyfriend, Jack, who was back in Jersey. I told her about some of my past, but kept a few of my skeletons behind barred doors. And after that we’d found a way to basically talk about nothing at all. Like I said before, we were gonna get along well.
Molly’s phone buzzed. She answered.
“Hello?... Hey, G.”
I looked at my watch, remembering I had worn it to bed for no particular reason.
“SHIT. We’re late!”
Molly looked a bit bemused as Mark and I jumped up to wake everyone else and throw on clothes. Drew and I put each other’s shoes on while one applied eyeliner, which is a much better system than you might think.
“Yepp,” Mollers said. “They just figured it out.”

“Hiwe’reheresorry!” Levi yelled to the guys, halfway across the lobby of the hotel. They turned and watched us-- Drew still pulling on her hoodie, Monster more hopping then running as he attempted to tie his shoe while in motion, and Molly nonchalantly walking behind us and grinning at the sight of us freaking out.
“Guys,” Jeph laughed, “You losers still have twenty minutes before they get here!”
I stopped in the middle of tying my hair up. “What?” Molly started laughing.
“Pete told us you guys were infamous for being late,” Ray said. “So we had Mollers go around your bus last night and reset all the clocks.”
The five of us turned to her, aghast.
She shrugged. “It worked, didn’t it?”
“Goddammit, Molly, you scared us!” But I was still laughing as I charged at her. She yelled and I ran after her around the lobby. Everyone laughed as the rest of R&R charged after her. Finally Mark and Monster caught her and scooped her up. Monster was strong enough to hold her above his head a bit and give a Braveheart-esque yell even and she kicked.
“Now,” Monster said in his best possible Scottish accent, “We throw her to the dogs!”
“Like hell,” Frank called. “Just tickle her to death!”
“FRANK! What the hell?” Mollers screamed. “You’re my dad! You’re supposed to help me!”
Just then Tre came out of fucking nowhere and tackled Monster down from behind, sending Molly rolling across the floor a bit as they fell.
Tre held the groaning Monster down with one foot, pumping his arms over his head.
“I can’t do a Scottish accent to save my fucking life,” Tre shrugged, “But blahblahblah, shit about taking your dignity.” Monster pushed him off.
“Ahem.”
The bands turned to see a couple cameramen and a guy clearly looking like an interviewer, Yoda behind them shaking his head and smiling.
“Get all that, Harry?” the interviewer said to the cameraman, who responded with a thumbs up.
“I’m sure that left yet another fantastic first impression,” Drew mumbled to me.
I stifled my laughter as best I could, feeling it swell to a hot mass inside my ribs, spreading to my stomach like an itching virus begging to be released. My chest ached from the repression… then suddenly felt a lot tighter than it should have. Booming in my ears quickened with my heart rate, my upper arms starting to feel numb and my legs ceasing to exist at all.
“Clayah?” Levi sounded a million miles away. “Clayah, what’s wrong?”
“Oh my God,” Yoda said. “Did she take her meds today?”
“I got her her coffee…” Mark said, “But…”
“WHAT?!?”
“MOVE!!”
The last two voices confused me. It wasn’t Rush And Ruin. And everything had lost color, turning my surroundings into black and white, and dark purple silhouettes.
I just want to lie down.
My body fell back. I expected to feel carpeted lobby floors beneath me, but my head was caught in a pair of hands, lowered into a lap.
“C’mon, Clayah,” a voice, both familiar and not, called down that same tunnel. “Stay with me, kid…”
I still heard blood pounding, too fast, now kept company by a high pitched ringing. My head felt hot and fuzzy.
But dammit, I just wanted to know who was holding me.
Cold, cold water hit my lips, a small solid in it.
“Swallow, sis, swallow,” a voice whispered.
Sis? It must’ve mean “kid”…or “this”...
I listened to the voice and gulped. More cold water was dabbed around my face, another hand running over my hair.
“C’mon, Clayah…”
The dark purple slowly eased back into normal colors, the ringing disappearing, haziness lifting. I blinked a couple times to bring the world back into focus.
“Thank God.”
I looked around. Everyone was gathered around me, their faces shifting from panic to relief. Molly released her grip on Frank’s hand, as if she could melt.
And my head was in Gerard’s lap, Mikey’s hand running over my hair and the other holding a damp paper towel to my forehead.
“Don’t sit up yet,” Mikey said. “You look like a ghost.”
“Can you hear us okay?” Gerard asked.
I nodded (as well as I could based on the position of my head) dumbly. Mark knelt down on the other side of me, gripping my hand.
“Jesus, Clayah, this is my fault—“
“No,” I choked, suddenly finding my throat dry. “My meds. My responsibility.”
“You’re alright now,” Quinn said, now crouching and patting my knee. “We gotcha—whoa.”
Everyone stared at Gerard, Mikey and me. It must’ve made some sort of sense, been some sort of reason, but my brain was still thick.
“What?” I croaked.
No one answered.
“You three…” Levi started, pointing at each of us in turn.
“L-l-look…” Jeph stuttered.
“Exactly alike,” everyone whispered.
The three of us looked between each other. My hair was exactly the same as Gerard’s…
Our eyes are identical…
We all have the same facial structure…
Even our mouths are shaped alike…
She can’t catch on, not now, not this quickly.
Jesus, Clayah, I’ve been waiting years to be this close to you. You can’t even imagine.
Maybe it was just a freaky coincidence.
Oh Christ, Mikey’s gonna say something— Change the fucking topic, Gerard!
Just let your mouth fall open and—
“Your color’s coming back,” Gerard sighed, seemingly exhausted.
“She still shouldn’t stand yet,” Mikey snapped.
“She’s fine, dude,” Bert said. “She’s a big girl, she can stand. And there’s how many people around to catch her if she goes back down the rabbit hole?”
“Just a couple more minutes,” Mikey said.
“Mikey, thanks,” I said, “But I really am okay now.” Except kinda fucking confused.
He looked reluctant, but eventually he and Gerard brought me to my feet. I did wobble a bit, and everyone hopped on their toes a little. I couldn’t help but smile.
“Guys, I’m fine.” Everyone relaxed. Spare Gerard and Mikey.
“Okay…then…”
We all remembered the MTV guys were still there and turned toward them. The interviewer smiled, clearly a tad uncomfortable.
“Uh… I suppose we’ll talk to another band first?” he said uneasily.

I sat in a corner with a bottle of water and Mollers patting my back soothingly. We watched the interviewer—who’s name, we learned, was Matt—talk to the Green Day guys. The Used sat on Molly’s right, and Rush and Ruin on my left.
As for My Chem, Ray and Frank were chatting it up with R&R, while Gerard and Mikey sat on the floor at my feet and twitched every time I lifted my arm to take a sip of water.
“So,” Mollers whispered, “What the hell was that?”
I shrugged. “It happens sometimes, when I forget to take my meds.”
“But you didn’t actually go unconscious.”
“No, just close. It’s usually not a big deal.”
Molly’s eyes shifted to Gerard and Mikey. “Clearly.”
“Well… I don’t know why they’re freaked out so much, but that was… nothing.”
“Then what the fuck is something?”
I bit my lip and thought. “Well, when I was seven, I forgot to take my meds one morning. I was walking to school—my elementary school was right around the corner so it was no big shit—and my chest got all tight like it did just now. I collapsed, but no one was around, and I passed out. One of my neighbors found me a little while later and called 911. I was in a coma for a week.”
Molly’s eyes were wide. Gerard and Mikey had turned, their faces in shock, too.
“Holy hell…” Mollers breathed. “You say it all casually, too.”
I shrugged again and took another sip of water. “I couldn’t exactly be scared in a coma.”
“Cut it!” Matt said, and Harry put the camera down.
“Clayah?” Billie put a hand on my shoulder. “Think you’re good to stand?”
I got to my feet and managed not to sway. “I’m good.”
Bert got all excited and insisted on holding to boom up while we were interviewed. They let him. The band was given mics and Matt counted off.
“I’m here talking to Rush And Ruin,” he said to the camera, “Another band on the Big Happy Family Tour, and the brand new addition to Reprise Records. Will you guys introduce yourselves?”
“I held up my mic and gave a nod to the camera. “I’m Clayah Shier.”
Then on my left, “I’m Blake Austin.”
“Drew Bryant.”
“Levi Pettington.”
“And I’m Mark Demia.”
“Now,” Matt said, “You guys are technically still in high school, right?”
“Well, Mark and Drew and I are,” I said. “Levi and Blake—“ I grinned internally calling Monster that, “—Are college-age.”
“’College-age?’”
“I’m a dropout,” Levi said. “Unashamed admitting that!” He looked into the camera lens and held a hand up. “Not that I’m saying kids should drop out of college. Mold the future, man.”
Monster—Blake, rolled his eyes. “Levi and I share an apartment in Chicago, and neither of us are in school.”
“Right,” Matt nodded. “So Clayah, you’re the youngest in the group?”
I nodded. “Right now I’m (supposed to be) a freshman.”
“So how old are you?”
“Fourteen.”
“Seriously?”
I smiled. I couldn’t help but be amused when people reacted like that. “No, I’m kidding. I’m seventy two.”
“She has wonderful skin care,” Drew threw in, Vanna White-framing my face like an advertisment.
“Be beautiful, be confident…” Mark said in his best commercial voice, “Be Proactiv!”
Drew snorted. “I hate those commercials so effing much…”
Matt laughed. “So you guys got here yesterday?”
“No,” Mark said, “We got here the night before last. But we spent all day yesterday with everybody.”
“Yeah, the Green Day guys were telling me. You guys—“
Bert lowered the boom down as Matt talked, putting it right in front of my face rather suddenly. It swung a bit and smacked me in the nose.
“FUCK!” I yelled, grabbing my nose. Bert started laughing.
“Whoa!” Matt said. “You okay?”
“Feyne,” I said, holding my nose. “Excuse me.” I handed my mic to Matt.

Two nights later we sat in The Used’s hotel room and watched MTV accomplish very little interviewing. Most of what they got on film was all of us messing around. Including me grabbing the boom from Bert’s hand and repeatedly smacking him in the nose with it.
The interview with My Chemical Romance had been a lost cause, since Dan, Levi, Tre and I decided to each remove a sock and put on a nice little puppet show, being each one of the My Chem guys. We learned Levi was a better Ray than Ray was.
Similar acts of anti productivity occurred during The Used’s interview. Gerard, Drew, Mollers and Mike snuck up behind the four of them, and pinched their ribs in that way that makes you jump and squeal. Quinn ended up stomping on Mike’s foot, leaving Bert with no other option but to keep the bleep guy on his toes with repeated “fuck yeah that’s karma bitch haha!” variations.
By the end of the fifteen minute segment the entire room was in stitches.
“Wait, wait, shut it, there’ more!” Jeph yelled.
Matt was up on the screen now. “We will continue following the Big Happy Family Tour across the US, with a reserved segment on MTV News every week. Next week, we meet them on the coast of California, and see just how well these crazy rock stars can water ski. From MTV News, I’m Matt Green.”
“WATER SKI?” Drew jumped up. “Oh… oh FUCK no, I am not doing that!”
“Drew, chill, chill,” Ray put his hands on her shoulders.
“I’m not gonna fucking chill!” she yelled. “I hate water!”
“It’s true, she does.” Mark tossed up a piece of popcorn, missing his mouth. Mike slapped him upside the head and called him a loser.
“There is no way in fucking hell—“
“Drew,” I said calmly, “It’s not that big a deal. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”
“Sure she does,” Yoda said from the kitchenette across the room. “MTV’s paying us for this shit.”
Drew’s eyes went wide. Then everyone freaked out over her collapse.