Someone out There Loves You

I walked down the hotel hallway. Now, where would my closest girl-friend go when she was [randomly] pissed? Damn, I just wanted her to come back to the game! I’d rather not ‘fuck off’, thank you. But now I was worried.
I wandered aimlessly for a while until I realized I’d gone in a fucking circle. Then, by some sheer force of magic, I turned a corner and found her. She was sitting by the elevator, back pressed against the wall, her torso hiding behind her knees, her arms hanging over her legs. Mollers looked up at me briefly before turning her attention to gaze back at the molding on the opposite wall.
I didn’t say anything. Just walked over and slid down next to her. But I tipped a little on the way down and ended up face first into some tree-plant that hotels always seem to have at random hallway intervals.
“FUCK!” I reached my palms out to break my fall, indirectly hugging the tree and getting a mouthful of leaves. Dirt spilled onto the carpeting.
I jumped up and just kind of stared for a minute. I could feel Molly’s eyes on me. So, I looked up and down the hallway, propped the tree back up, put it over the dirt mess, and resumed my [intended] seat next to Molly. She was still staring at me.
“Only you,” she said, shaking her head. But I could tell she was trying not to smile. But I wasn’t, so I did.
We went back to silence for a moment.
“So,” I said, turning to her. “Care to tell me what that was about?”
Her face looked thoughtful for a few moments. I noticed her cell phone in her hands-- and the sleeves of her hoodie were rolled up.
Down her forearm flowed multiple white scars. I didn’t have to be a genius to figure out what they were from. I didn’t judge her any differently for it; we all had our ghosts.
I should know.
Mollers caught me, somehow, looking, since I only saw them for a couple seconds. She went to roll her sleeve down and I stopped her.
“Dude, it’s too damn hot in this hotel,” I said. “I will not sit here and watch you get hyperthermic.” She looked unsure for a minute, and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. “Molly, I don’t give a shit. I mean, I do, since I don’t know why they’re there… but you know what I mean.”
She looked uneasy even still. And I couldn’t help myself.
“Molly, look at me for a minute. I know the molding is absolutely mind boggling, but just do it.”
She did, and I held up my left hand. She gasped.
Not many people noticed my hand until I pointed it out. It was pretty ugly, though. Patches of skin still hadn’t completely come back and were dry, red, raw patches. I turned my hand so she could see the long scar that ran from between my ring and middle fingers and diagonally down toward the heel of my hand. The way the skin on the back wrinkled up wasn’t totally obvious, but admittedly kinda gross when you looked at it.
“We all have our pasts, Mollers,” I said. “You don’t have to tell me yours if you don’t want to.” She nodded, her mouth still open a little bit as she stared at my hand. I put it back down into my cross-legged lap.
“So what happened?” I asked.
Molly shrugged. “Nothing.”
“Mollers, don’t insult me. You were pretty pissed. Now fucking tell me.”
The last thing I expected was what happened. Molly’s eyes welled up. She didn’t sob or anything. Just let her face and eyes go red, and the tears spill over. I didn’t ask. Just threw my arm around her shoulder and hugged her. Didn’t coo those “it’s okay” phrases. Just sat in silence.
A minute hardly went by before she sniffed and sat back up.
“You don’t have to tell me,” I said, “I’m just kinda worried. I haven’t known you long, but that pissiness didn’t seem like you.”
Molly shook her head again. “I can’t tell you, Clayah,” she said… in defeat?
“Okay.” I was cool about it.
We looked back at the wall.
“So,” I said. “Wanna come back to Twister? It’s more fun with you.”
She grinned. “The accidental groping is getting to me.”
“Then referee. I swear, Quinn’s cheating.”
“How can you cheat at Twister?”
“Well, with…” I counted off on my fingers, “Eleven-odd people on the mat at once, it’s easy. And don’t tell me you haven’t noticed how long he’s stayed on the mat.”
“Maybe he’s just good at it.”
“Pff, Mollers, in those pants?”
She gave a hearty laugh. Thank you, Jesus.
We did go back. For the rest of the round and the next Molly spun the spinner and refereed (she actually did bust Quinn, which was pretty sweet). The entire intense scene went forgotten.

I woke up early Wednesday morning.
Me.
Wake up early.
I slid open the door to the lounge to find Mark, Drew, and Levi sitting there, their faces red from smiling.
I grinned and started my coffee. “You guys are stoked too, huh?”
“Of course we are!” Mark said in a singsong voice, picking me up and spinning me around.
“Whoa whoa whoa, coffeepot full of water!” He set me down gently and danced back to the couch.
“We’re playing a huge ven-ue, in L-AAAAAA!!!” he sang, pulling Levi up. They beamed and started waltzing together while Drew and I laughed.
“With My Chem, The Used, and Green Daaaaaaayyy!!” Levi sang back.
“We’ll make the kids love us!”
“The girls want to fuck us!”
And in unision, “Weeeee’ll bloooowwww… they’re fucking miiiiiiinndddsss…. AAAAAWAAAAAYYY!!” And Levi proceeded to dip Mark, followed by Drew’s and my applause. They stood and bowed. Mark threw him arm around Levi’s shoulder and planted a huge kiss on his cheek.
“Dude!” Levi laughed, wiping his cheek. “I know you’re excited but… that was wet.”
“You love it,” Mark grinned, giving Levi a “manly” ass slap. Levi turned red.
“Okay, who wants coffee?” I asked as the machine started to brew.
“Holy hell!” Drew said. “Clayah Shier, up early and sharing coffee? It is a big day!” I slapped her arm.
Someone knocked on the bus door. Drew stood and answered it, letting Tre inside.
“Hope you guys aren’t too nervous,” he grinned.
I scoffed. “We don’t get nervous, Tre.”
“Whatever you say. Where’s Monster?”
“Ah ah ah,” Levi wagged a finger. “Where is BLAKE.”
“I refuse to call him that.”
“Good.”
“So where is he?”
“Still asleep,” I said, pointing at the door to the bunks. “Coffee?”
Tre’s eyebrows went up. “You’re sharing coffee?”
“I know, right?” Drew laughed.
“Fine then, if you’re gonna laugh, it’s mine.” I filled my Tigger mug.
“Don’t forget to take your meds.” The group spoke all at once.
I rolled my eyes. Ever since my little accident, everyone had been on edge. Especially Gerard and Mikey. Gerard I could understand-- he had a daughter of his own. And Mikey was an uncle. But Frank was a dad too, and he didn’t flip as much as them. It just… it weirded me out.
“Guys, I’m fine,” I said. “That rarely happens. Will you just quit worrying?”
“We’re not the ones that are super worried,” Tre said, giving me a knowing look.
‘Mindreader,’ said the little voice in my head.
I sat on the couch and sipped my coffee. “I don’t know why Gerard and Mikey are freaking out so much, but someone needs to tell them to simmer down a bit. Mark, you know how rare this is-- can you tell them?”
He pursed his lips. And he only did that when he was hiding something…. “I don’t think anyone can calm them down about this, Clayah.” The entire group was exchanging looks.
“What the… am I missing something?” I frowned. “And if I am, you better tell me right fucking now,” I demanded.
“It’s nothing,” Tre said.
“That ‘nothing’ has a lot of ‘something’ behind it,” I snapped.
The door to the bunks slid open. “Hey guys, what’s up?” Monster yawned.
I was still staring at everyone else. “That’s what I’d like to know,” I whispered. “Have some coffee, Monster.”
“You’re sharing coff--”
“Shut it.”

The bus ride to the venue was only two hours, but it felt like a lifetime. The band played video games, rocked out a little to TheMisfits, had some pretty vicious thumb wars, all in effort to distract ourselves. I even worked on my English essay. Nothing worked.
When the bus finally stopped-- well, slowed down to five miles an hour-- we were off immediately. Not long after, The Used’s bus pulled up behind us.
“Hee-low,” Dan said in his weird almost-Asian voice.
“You guys pumped?” Jeph asked.
“Fuck yeah,” Drew beamed.
“This isn’t so intimidating,” I said, looking up at the venue. “It’s not even that big.”
The Used looked at one another and laughed.
“Silly, silly Rush And Ruin,” Dan said. The guys got behind us and herded us toward the venue. “This is only the lot for bus parking.”
The brought us around a corner, and my heart stopped.
Yeah, that ‘not that big’ venue?
It was fucking humongous.
“Whoa,” Monster and Levi said. They weren’t as freaked. They’d played big venues before. I mean, The House of Blues was pretty big I guess. But we didn’t play with The Used, My Chemical Romance, and Green Day there. I couldn’t even begin to wrap my mind around the possible amount of people that would be in the audience that night.
I turned toward the rest of Rush And Ruin. Mark was literally green. Drew’s forehead was shining with sweat.
I was the one that got the least stage fright, but I could feel myself looking like shit.
“What did we do?” Quinn said, obviously stifling a smile.
We ignored him, still staring at the venue-- fuck that, stadium-- in pure shock. We didn’t even notice the other two buses pull up until the guys were all behind us.
“Well we’re a little early so we can just chill WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THEM?” Mike gave The Used a hard look. “What happened?”
“Ba.. Ba-ba-ba-ba--”
“Spit it out, Drew.”
“BIG.” She pointed at the massive building in front of us.
“I thought you guys didn’t get stage fright?” Tre said.
“We don’t.” I said it firmly, mostly in attempt to convince myself of the fact. I turned toward everyone else. “We don’t get stage fright, dammit. We’re Rush And Ruin and we are NOT scared. Right guys?”
“Right!” Only Monster and Levi spoke.
“Mark?” I prompted. “Drew?” They never responded.
“Well,” I said. “We’re not. So… there. Let’s go.”

Sound check was a little hectic, what with four drum sets, God only knows how many basses and guitars, and an infinite amount of mics and amps everywhere. Molly sat in the middle of the most pit, texting.
“Hey,” Mikey spoke up at one point. “I think we need coffee.”
“Agreed,” Gerard and I said. Everyone else rolled their eyes.
“I think we need Monster!” Guess who said that.
“MOLLY!” Ray tried to yell from the stage. But she was too far away. “MOLLY!”
“MOLLY IERO!!” Billie screamed into the mic, a little feedback with it.
Molly jumped, her phone flying up (she caught it, though).
“What?!? You scared the shit out of me!”
Ray pulled his wallet out of his pocket. “Okay, who’s got cash?” Everyone pooled in a bit of green, and Ray chucked his wallet off the stage toward Molly. It ended up landing in the balcony.
“Holy hell,” Frank said. “Why are you playing guitar and not baseball?”
“Could you get that, Molly?” Ray said into the mic. She narrowed her eyes at him.
“I think there’s a Starbuck’s around the corner,” Gerard said into another mic. “And there’s a gas station by it, so get a pack of Monster.”
Frank pushed Gerard aside. “And be safe, Mollers. Look both ways and--”
“Frank,” I put a hand on his shoulder. “She’s sixteen.”
“Don’t care.” He looked around the stage. “Jeph, will you go with her?”
“You’re kidding.”
“I’ll give you five bucks.”
“She’s a big girl, Frank.”
“Ten.”
“Mollers will be fi-”
“Twenty.”
“Deal.”
So Jeph and Molly went off. Rush And Ruin’s sound check was done, so we went and sat in the most pit. It had been fucking hot up on the stage even though the lights were dim, and to cold concrete felt amazing. Of course, Levi whipped his camera out.
“Hey hey hey,” he said, panning around all of us. He turned it to Drew.
“Drewsky! What goes on?”
She grinned and held up her authorization pass and keys from her belt loop. “I’ve always wanted to wear one of these fuckin’ things-- bitch, I jingle when I walk!!” I laughed.
“Clayaaaahhh,” Levi focused on me.
“Leeeviiii,” I teased.
“Whatcha doin’?”
“Flying a kite.”
“Bitchin’. MARK!”
And so it went.
Molly and Jeph came back right when Green Day’s sound check had finished.
“Okay, we gotta go do something,” Bert said, drinking down an iced coffee.
“Agreed,” Mark said. “Where’s the nearest Walgreen’s?”
“We just came from Walgreen’s!” Molly moaned.
“Great, then you can tell us where it is,” I nudged her. She shoved me.

Levi kept his Flip Video on for the entire adventure.
“Oh, oh, check this.” Mike, Quinn and I stood in front of a rack of baby tshirts, holding them up. Mike’s read, “My mom is HOT”, Quinn’s “When zombie’s come, they’ll take you long before me,” and mine “That’s what she said.”
Frank went down the line and pulled all of them out of our hands. He shoved them at Gerard’s chest. “Either you buy those for Bandit or I will.”
Drew and Molly discovered the candy isle in the far back.
“HOLY BALLS.” Molly held up a bag up to the camera. “FUCKING RED VINES.”
“Mine!” Dan ran down the isle and nabbed them. Before he had time to get far, Drew tripped him. He nearly knocked over a display of half-off Snicker’s bars.
Levi found the condoms. “Now these,” he said, holding up a box of mango flavored ones, “Are excellent. But do not taste good on eggs.” The rest of Rush And Ruin buckled over laughing.
“Dude, we’re buying these,” Bert said. “I want a mango flavored balloon.”
“I dare you to go on stage tonight licking one of those,” Gerard laughed.
“I will totally fucking do that!”
“Nasty.”
“Tasty. It’s mango!”
Ray and Mikey found the greeting cards.
“’To A Special Someone,’” Mikey read. He opened the card. “‘Be proud. I actually remembered your birthday this year.’”
“‘Dad,’” Ray read. “‘You’ve always been there for me, in good times and in bad--’”
“Thaaat’s weird,” Monster said, “It sounds like marital vows.”
The Walgreen’s staff almost kicked us out for not buying anything. Bert saved us with condoms.

I stood on the side of the stage, looking at all the people in the crowd. The most pit was packed ; I knew Molly was always in the front, but I couldn’t see her anywhere. The lights were on but dim, soon to only be safety lights.
For maybe the third time in my life (but definitely the most extreme), I was terrified to perform.
I went back to the dressing room. Drew and Mark had mellowed out.
“How is it out there?” Monster asked, trying to tame his wild ginger hair.
“Crowded and already reeking.”
“You look freaked,” Mark said.
“I am.”
“But you never get freaked!”
“Remember what you’ve always said, Clayah?” Drew put her hands on my shoulders. “They came here to see us. So if we were to mess up, they wouldn’t care.” I was about to argue they were probably here to see the other bands, but said nothing.
Levi ducked in there. “Holy shit, do you know how many kids out there are wearing our tshirts? It’s insane!”
Yoda came in too. “Okay guys,” he clapped his hands. “You’re on.”
I suddenly had to pee REALLY bad. I ran to the bathroom.

I put my hands on the edge of the sink, staring at myself in the mirror. I was so scared that my bad hand burned. That only happened when I was super overworked.
“C’mon, Clayah,” I said to my reflection. “You’ve done this a million fucking times.”
‘Not in front of THAT many people.’
“They’re here to see you.”
‘And The Used, and My Chem, and Green Day…”
“You’ve got to go out there. Give ‘em a night they’ll never forget.”
‘….Okay.’

I stood on the side of the stage again, the lights now dark. All I could hear was blood pounding, and the acid in my stomach burned.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, and turned to face Mikey and Gerard.
“You okay?” Mikey asked. I shook my head.
“Clayah, we’ve seen you perform,” Gerard said. “You’re amazing onstage. You have nothing to be afraid of!”
“Gerard’s right. They should be scared of you exploding their brains.” I looked at my feet, embarrassed, and grinned.
“You’ll do fucking awesome,” Gerard said.
I looked back up at their smiling faces. It was kinda weird when I stood with both of them. We really did look a lot alike. It didn’t creep me out that much anymore, since I knew it was just a coincidence, but--
Suddenly Mikey pulled me in and hugged me tight. Somehow it just felt perfect for the moment. I hugged him back even tighter. Gerard got in on it, and I felt safe and confident.
The three of us all looked at each other again. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I felt like the Way brothers and I had a tight connection. Maybe it was just a blind hope, but I didn’t think so.
“CLAYAH!!”
Oh, God. Way to completely ruin the moment.
I turned and saw an acne-covered face come toward me.
“Barnabus, how the hell did you get back here?”
“Love always prevails, my dear,” he said, grabbing my hand. Ickyickyicky--
“Uh, pardon,” Gerard said, cutting the handhold off. “But who exactly are you?”
“Clayah’s boyfriend.”
“You have a boyfriend?” Mikey said.
“NO! Barnabus, seriously, how did you get back here?”
“I snuck past security. WOW, you’re friends with Gerard and Mikey now?”
“You snuck past security?” I said in awe.
“I mean I knew you guys would be on tour together , but I didn‘t know you guys were tight!”
“Kid-- what’s your name?” Gerard asked.
“Barnabus. Barnabus Copple.”
“You can’t be back here, dude,” Mikey said firmly.
“Barnabus, seriously,” I said, “Go. Now.”
“Will I see you after the show?” he said hopefully.
“No.”
“Hard to get, I see.” He winked at me. “I love you anyways.”
“If you’re not gone in five seconds…” Gerard threatened. Barnabus vanished.
Mikey hitched a thumb toward the direction Barnabus had gone. “Who the hell is he?”
“Stalker.” Then I suddenly remembered how nervous I was all over again.
“Don’t think about the amount of people,” Mikey said. “Just give them all a fucking awesome show.” He hugged me again.
“Now get out there,” Gerard said.
I turned, and then remembered something. I doubled back. “Wait-- you guys have never seen me perform.”
They went white. “W-what?” Mikey needed to stop stuttering.
“You guys said you’d seen me perform. No you haven’t.”
“…YouTube,” Gerard said quickly. “Levi’s YouTube.”
“Oh.”
“Now go.”
I took a deep breath and walked toward the rest of the band. I could hear people-- chanting our name?
“RUSH AND RU-IN! RUSH AND RU-IN!” Oh my Lord. Our first night and they were chanting. The kids out there had to be veterans…
Wait.
Molly.
I loved that girl.
Drew went out first, then Monster, then Levi and Mark. My heart was throbbing.
Here goes nothing.

“Here’s to Rush And Ruin!”
It was about two am now, yet we were all still awake, but Mollers was fading fast. Everybody was chugging down energy drinks because we didn’t want to stop laughing. Bert even hugged his condom balloon.
“I think I’ll keep it as a pet,“ he grinned.
“A pet condom,“ Jeph said. “That’s a new one.”
“Those are good condoms though!” Levi pointed out. And he proceeded to tell the story of that Saturday morning in The Bungalo, much to everyone’s laughter.
R&R had spent a good amount of time after the show talking to kids (luckily, I didn’t run into Barnabus). I didn’t care how tired I was or how late it got-- I would always stay until the last fan was gone. I promised myself that.
The record was to be released in two weeks. I, personally, was too damn impatient. But after the show tons of kids told me they were going to by it. Guys up to Levi and Monster’s age were even telling me how much they’d fallen in love with Rush And Ruin.
I was wondering when I was going to wake up.
After our set, I had mauled Gerard and Mikey. “I NEVER would’ve been able to go out there if it hadn’t been for you guys!” I said, hugging them tight again. They smiled and hugged me back.
When I pulled away from them, it felt super awkward. All the other bands were staring at us.
“What?” I asked. They all just turned away. This was starting to piss me off… but not right now. Now, I was having the best night of my entire life.
And there was more to come.

Mechanics (Take Off Your Skin)
(Shier/Bryant)
You call the truth
White noise
To make yourself feel better
It’s too late to make
A new choice
When your reason’s running thinner
The dark trying to attack the day
The hunter gone to seize the prey
There’s nothing left inside of you
But silver ghosts and something to prove

Take off your skin and show me how
You seem to work inside
The seeds of sin are blooming now
Like the devil’s in your mind
There’s not much left of what we knew
It’s fallen to the ground
Ashes, to ashes, to ashes…
We fall down

Well now the sound is breaking up
As you start to spiral downward
Keep it up to keep their hearts
A lion…
And a coward
Your head bent over the sink
Your mind failing to think
I’d like to see you stand on your own
[Screamed:] Without throwing up

Take off your skin and show me how
You seem to work inside
The seeds of sin are blooming now
Like the devil’s in your mind
There’s not much left of what we knew
It’s fallen to the ground
Ashes, to ashes, to ashes…
We fall down

Your hands are
Dripping blood
Your eyes are lying to me
Your skin is
Cold and pale
Dead as you’ll ever be

Your hands are
Dripping blood
Your eyes are lying to me
Your skin is
Cold and pale
Dead as you’ll ever be

Your hands are
Dripping blood
Your eyes are lying to me
Your actions
Said enough
Now we’re only enemies

Take off your skin and show me how
You seem to work inside
The seeds of sin are blooming now
Like the devil’s in your mind
There’s not much left of what we knew
It’s fallen to the ground
Ashes, to ashes, to ashes…

[Background:](Ashes..)
Take off your skin and show me how
You seem to work inside
(Ashes…)
The seeds of sin
Are blooming now
Like the devil’s in your mind
(Ashes…)
There’s not much left
Of what we knew
It’s fallen to the ground
Ashes, to ashes, to ashes…

We fall down…

We fall down…

We fall down…

We’re falling.