Someone out There Loves You

Interview with Rush And Ruin, Spin magazine.
Question: So you guys are originally from Chicago?
Mark Demia: Well Clayah, Drew, and I were all born there.
Levi Pettington: Monster and I were best friends since were like, six. We both moved there when we started at the university.
Question: So how long have you all known each other?
Clayah Shier: Only about a year. Mark and I have known each other since we were kids, though.
Drew Bryant: Yeah, I’m kind of the misfit in that aspect. [Laughs.]
Question: When and how did you guys meet?
Clayah Shier: Mark, Drew, and I all went to the same high school. But we didn’t really know each other. Drew’s uncle actually manages most of the music-type-stuff at the House of Blues in Chicago, so when Mark went to be a tech “apprentice” there he and Drew met for real. They found out they had similar tastes in music and they had each played in bands before. So the three of us all got together and started to play. Levi and Blake came later.
Blake Austin: Levi and I were playing in another band before Rush And Ruin, called The Broken Bombs. We were playing at the House of Blues one night and we started chatting with Drew backstage.
Levi Pettington: In all honesty, I was hitting on her. [Laughs.]
Drew Bryant: I will NEVER forget that; and I quote: “I’ve got a thirst, baby, and you smell like Gatorade!”
Levi Pettington: I had no idea she was fifteen at the time, either, ‘till she told me. [Laughs.]
Blake Austin: Coincidentally, The Broken Bombs broke up the next time we were playing there, right after the show. Drew found us and told us their band needed a bassist and guitarist so we jumped right at it.
Clayah Shier: Rush And Ruin is actually the first band I’ve ever been in, so being around Levi and Blake was really intimidating at first.
Question: So Clayah, you’re only fourteen?
Clayah Shier: Yes.
Question: How does your family feel about you crossing the country without them?
Clayah Shier: My mom was really hesitant at first. My dad said yes right away. I’m pretty sure he was more excited than I was. I do miss them a lot, though. I usually needed my dad’s help with science homework every night, so it’s kind of strange doing it mostly on my own. Luckily Gerard [Way, of My Chemical Romance] is really good at science so he’s been helping me out.
Question: So you’re still keeping up with schoolwork on tour?
Clayah Shier: If you use “keeping up” loosely, I am. [Laughs.] It’s kind of hard, because I’m doing most of it online. Getting sleep on tour is really hard for everyone and it’s especially hard when Mark and Drew and I are all awake until three in the morning doing fucking history.
Question: Do all the bands get along well?
Mark Demia: Oh, absolutely. We’re really close so far and we’ve only known each other for about three or four weeks. We really are like family.

“So our album comes out next week Tuesday—“
The crowd cut me off with cheers. I loved it when they did that. I loved it lots. And here in Reno it was easiest to see them; with so many damn lights everywhere I don’t even know why they bothered turning down the house lights.
“We’re excited too,” I smiled. “Since it’s… wait, Mark, what day of the week is it?”
“Thursday,” Mark said into his mic.
“REALLY?! Dude! Then that’s like… 5 days! Holy shit.”
“You seriously didn’t know the day of the week?” Levi laughed.
“Well it could be May for all I know!” I turned back to the audience. “Buuuuut, even more important than our album coming out is Miss Drewsky back there on the drums!” Everyone cheered for Drew, who clicked her drumsticks over her head. “It is her seventeenth birthday on Sunday, so everybody give your wishes.” People hollered up ‘happy birthdays’ and sassy variations of such.
“So every night till then we’re being sure to announce that,” Monster said. “Mainly to embarrass her. How’s it working?”
“Pretty damn well,” Drew grinned.
“And after we humiliate her we’re always sure to play her favorite track off the album,” I added. “So now I want to see each and EVERY one of you take your hands like this.” I clicked my mic onto the stand and held my hands over my head. The crowd imitated me.
“Now people clap way to damn much at shows, yes? Yes. So you guys do this—“ I pumped my arms up and down. They followed.
“Alright, just keep that up,” I said. Levi jumped in with his bass line then.
“Now when this kicks in…” I said as Drew’s rhythm came, “No one’s feet should be touching the fucking floor.” Their fists kept pumping. “One… two… three… GO!” And I let the floor fall out from under me.
The audience sounded far off from beneath the stage. It was pitch black down there, but I knew Yoda was somewhere in the darkness.
We hadn’t had the chance to do a stage stunt since the tour began, and we felt that— since we were in frigging Reno—we had to do something. The fall during the show luckily went a lot better than in rehearsal, when I had to go through the trap door nine times. At first we started with claps before we realized that was why I kept smacking my elbows on the stage (the door was literally a two foot by two foot hole in the floor), and finally had to settle with a fist pump with a point where my arms could be stark straight.
I pushed myself up off of the cushion I landed on, reaching out for Yoda. Standing on the floor I could feel Levi’s bass and Drew’s drums in my chest during the instrumental. I kind of missed being able to be in the crowd for shows.
“Yoda,” I whispered into my monitor. “Where the hell are you?”
“Take five steps straight forward,” I heard him say in my earpiece. “I’m standing right there.”
“Clayah, you gotta get in place fast,” I could hear Mark whisper into his monitor from the stage above. “Did you get hurt?”
“No, no, I’m fine, and I’m hurrying.”
I blindly put my arms out in front of me and took the steps forward till I felt Yoda standing there. He guided me through the black curtain to a small lit passageway.
“Paint quick,” Yoda told me. “Instrumental ends in one minute seven.”
I ran over to the vanity and picked up the white grease paint, quickly dabbing in and coating my face and lips before picking up my red paint and drawing deep lines to look like splits in my lip. This took me twenty eight seconds.
“Okay, come on Clayah, you’re good.” Yoda ushered me through the other black curtain to the back of the stage. I climbed a quick staircase until I saw Drew above me.
“Keep going!”
I hopped up, sure to keep myself in the shadows, and ran to the spiral staircase leading to the lights above. A tech quickly hooked me up to wires in the harness I’d been wearing since the start of the show.
Eight seconds.
The tech handed me a mic.
“Ready everybody?” I said softly into my monitor. The band was good. The wire operators were good. The light techs were good.
“Alright.” I positioned a finger over the switch on the mic as Mark whammy barred out of the instrumental. The reverberations ended and the place was quiet. I could feel the anticipation from the crowd; they had no fucking clue what was about to happen.
“Go,” I heard Yoda whisper.
All the lights went off in the place, spare the very dim safety lights backstage. I flipped on the mic and held it up to my lips, singing softly:
“He’s holding on the edge dying to let go...” A small rumble came from the crowd.
“You broke from the pack to howl at the moon all alone…” Damn, they were stoked now.
“Spare me your shallow teenage woes…“ Drew’s drumline began and built. Strobe lights flashed with my pace.
“Spare me your shallow teenage woes, spare me your shallow teenage woes, spare me your shallow teenage!” Drew slammed her set and the guitars roared in. All the lights onstage burned on.
And I jumped.
The kids never saw it coming, and they belted their damn hearts out as I flew down, turning myself in a flip or two before landing right on target, on top of Drew’s bass drum.
I had a moment to unhook myself from the wires (subtly as possible) before jumping up and off Drew’s drum, kicking my legs high behind me. As soon as I landed I launched into song.

Mollers ran up to me backstage as I was changing out of my sweaty clothes before going out to talk to kids.
“THAT WAS SO FUCKING AWESOME, HOLY JESUS.” Her eyes were huge and her mouth dropped wide open with every syllable. I laughed. When we did our stunt rehearsal, no one was allowed in except Rush And Ruin, Yoda, and techs. We’d gotten to the venue before anyone else that morning—seven thirty sharp—and rehearsed for an hour and half before sound check. We liked it that way so that everyone in the place could be taken by surprise.
Clearly, Mollers loved it. She’d been kind of irritated earlier when we wouldn’t let her in. She’d checked out a couple videos on YouTube of our previous stage stunts and absolutely hated being in the dark about a new one. Honestly, I wanted to let her in for rehearsal. But it was band policy.
“And the way you drew those lines on your lip?” Molly was saying. “THAT WAS SO PERFECT FOR THE LYRICS.”
I laughed. “So it looked good from out there?”
“Flawless.”
“Raw.” We fist bumped.
Ray walked in then. “Clayah, that was so COOL!” He high fived me. “How’d you guys time that so well?”
I put a finger to my lips and smiled. “Band secret.” He rolled his eyes.
“But uhm… hey,” Ray said, shifting on his feet. “Maybe you shouldn’t go out and talk to any kids tonight.”
“You’re funny, ToroFro.” All the bands had been getting on me a bit lately because I stayed out so late every night talking to kids. I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t even feel the time pass. But there was no way I was actually going to let them stop me from going out.
“No, seriously, Clayah,” Ray said. “Just… one night. Don’t.”
“And make it unfair for all them?” I walked over to a chair and pulled my bomber jacket off the back. “Not happening.” Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ray giving Molly a look.
Molly turned to me and smiled. “I personally think Ray’s being silly. Go out. It’s just like any other night.”
“Mollers,” Ray growled.
“What?” Molly said innocently. I watched them converse as I pulled on my boots. “Is there any particular reason Clayah shouldn’t go out and talk to people?”
Ray was looking at her with a stone gaze. “Yeah, there is. And you know it.”
“Oh, Clayah doesn’t.” Molly swept her hand in my direction. “Care to tell her, Ray?”
“Whatever schoolyard shit you two are doing, it’s annoying.” I pulled my jacket over my shoulders and flipped my hair back out over the collar. “So move the hell out of my way before I cut you both.” I started for the door. Ray body blocked me.
I sighed in frustration. “Ray, move.”
“No. Not tonight.”
“Move.”
“No.
“Move.”
“No!”
I threw my hands up in defeat and turned to face the other wall. And what I saw there made me grin.
I crossed the room to the emergency exit door and examined it, pulling the appropriate wires and twisting them. Then I pushed the door open and the alarm didn’t make a sound. I could feel Ray watching me in horror as I walked out the door.

I stormed through the door into Rush And Ruin’s room right after I heard Clayah go out the emergency exit, and I gave Molly a venomous look. “Why the hell did you do that?!” I demanded. “Do you want Clayah to hate us?”
“Hardly,” Molly said. “I just want her to know. And if you guys aren’t going to be the ones to tell her, it will either be coming from me or him.”
“If you knew Barnabus was out there,” Gerard said, “Why did you still tell her to go??”
“She would’ve gone anyways and you both know it. She will stay out to the crack of dawn talking to fans. Sending Ray in here to tell her not to just gave her more reason to go out.”
I frowned. That was true, actually. It was kind of a stupid idea to send Ray in there to stop her. But if Gerard and I went in it would’ve started a whole new fight between the three of us. Which was the very last thing we needed at this point.
“You know I’m right,” Molly said to both of us.
Ray shrugged behind me. “I tried my best, guys.”
Gerard clapped him on the shoulder thankfully. “We know you did. Thanks.”
“I just gotta say,” Ray went on, “It was kind of badass that she knew how to stop the alarm.” I rolled me eyes.
“Three weeks, Mikey,” Molly said. “Three weeks you have lied to her.”
“But it’s completely unfair if Barnabus is the one to tell her—“
“Unfair? Unfair? If you want to talk about un-FUCKING-fair, look at the entire situation! If you would have just told her in the beginning instead of putting it off as long as you have, this entire thing would be so much easier. Especially for you. I know it hurts you, Mikes, but we both know that not telling her is hurting you more than being afraid that she’ll be mad.” Again, Mollers was right.
Gerard threw his hands up. “Alright then. “ He turned back to the door we’d been listening through.
“ Where the hell are you going?” Molly asked.
“To find Barnabus and get him out of here.”
“Oh no you’re not!”
“Watch me.” And he walked out.
I ran through the door, jogging a bit to keep up as Gerard stormed down the hallway. Mollers came up fast behind us.
“I suppose this is gonna be you telling Clayah, then?” she said.
“No,” Gerard answered.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
“DAMMIT, Molly!” I swung around.
“Don’t ‘dammit, Molly’ me, Mikey. If you care about Clayah at all you will tell her. Tonight.”
I took a step toward her. “You have no idea,” I growled, “How much I care about her. And don’t you challenge me about it.”
Molly put her hands on her hips. “You have a really strange way of showing it.”
Mollers and I hadn’t noticed that Gerard had gone on ahead until we heard the door leading outside slam at the end of the hall.
“GERARD!” Molly ran ahead down the hall. I went as fast as I could behind her, but she got out the door while I was still three yards behind.
I burst through the door and looked everywhere. It was after midnight now, and everything was dark out behind the venue. I ran toward where fans would be waiting.
I pulled my hood up to hide my face as well as I could so fans wouldn’t be able to tell it was me. There was a pretty big crowd a ways ahead, and I could see Mollers running toward it. I charged after. When I caught up to her, she was scanning around for Gerard. I spotted him first; he had a fan by the arm and was pulling him behind a bus. Since Gerard’s hood was up too, the fan looked confused.
“Now you listen and you listen damn good,” I heard Gerard say when I turned the corner. He had Barnabus backed against the bus, still holding his arm to keep him there, pointing a finger right in his acne-covered face.
“What you think you heard the other night, you didn’t,” Gerard went on. “This is all a really big misunderstanding.”
“If it’s a misunderstanding,” Barnabus said, “Then why are you so pissed off.”
Gerard stiffened. “You little smartass—“
“Barnabus, he’s lying.” Molly had come up behind me.
“Mollers!” I tried to stop her from going on.
“Clayah Shier is their sister.”
Gerard and I looked at Molly in horror. She looked angry and satisfied at the same time.
“I knew it!” Barnabus said.
“If you tell her,” Gerard yelled in Barnabus’ face, “I will make damn sure you never get to another Rush And Ruin show ever again! Any show for that matter!”
“Gee, calm down,” I said. I walked toward them. Barnabus’ face was a mixture of fear and success.
“Look,” I said, “We’re asking—begging, that you don’t tell her. Because we’re going to. Tonight.” Barnabus looked stunned. As did Mollers and Gerard.
“Now go home, Barnabus,” I said to him. “Gerard, let the kid go.”
“Mikey!”
“Let him go.”
He did, and after a moment Barnabus ran to the hills.
“I can’t believe you said that,” Gerard said.
“I had to get him to scram somehow, didn’t I?”
“What??” I turned to Mollers, who was now absolutely furious.
“We are going to tell her. No one else. It’s our responsibility. But we are going to tell her when we’re ready. Got it?”
Mollers shook her head at us. “I can’t believe you two.”
“Believe it, Molly.” I’d never talked to her like this before. But I was angry and I was scared. “I lied to the kid. Do you really think Clayah would want to hear it from him? I care about her enough that I know it would hurt her terribly to hear it from anyone but us. Do you disagree with that?”
Molly frowned. “No.”
“Good.” I crossed my arms. “Gerard and I just aren’t ready yet, okay?”
Mollers narrowed her eyes at us. “Well, until you are… just… stay the fuck away from me.” And she was gone.

“Hello?”
“Hey, Mom.”
“Clayah! Oh sweetie, I’m finally hearing from you!” A pang went through my heart.
“Sorry. I’ve been so busy I haven’t had the chance to call.”
“It’s alright, I understand. How are you?”
“I’m sleep deprived,” I laughed, “That’s for sure.”
“What state are you in?”
“Nevada.”
“Isn’t it like, four in the morning there?”
“Yeah, I just got in.”
“You’re kidding,” Mom said, surprised.
“Not at all. The show got out at midnight since all the bands did encores and I spent a couple hours talking to people. Plus I was hanging out with all the bands after the show.”
“You’re getting along with everyone, I hope?” She sounded kind of nervous.
“Absolutely, everyone here gets along great. Frank Iero’s daughter is so awesome, we’re like best friends now.”
“That’s great. I’m so glad you’re enjoying yourself.”
I smiled. “I miss you so much, Mom.”
“I miss you too, Clayah. It’s been so quiet without you,” she laughed. “Dad and I have been watching MTV every week. You looked hilarious water skiing, by the way. Good job pushing Frank off the boat.”
“Gee, thanks Mom.”
“Oh, you know I love you.”
I smiled. I could feel myself tearing up a bit. “I love you too, Mom.” It was true; things just weren’t the same without my parents. Obviously. I regretting taking so long to call home. “Is dad there?”
“Actually he was on call tonight. He left about an hour ago.”
“Oh.” Dammit.
“I can have him call back, if you want.”
“No, that’s okay, I’ll try back as soon as I can.”
“Alright. Go get some sleep, honey. You’re gonna get sick.” That was so like Mom.
“I will.”
“Okay, honey. I’ll let you go then. I love you and miss you.”
“I love and miss you, too. Say hi to Dad for me, okay?”
“Will do. He loves you too.”
“Bye, Mom.”
“Bye, Clayah. Call soon, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Keep having fun.”
I laughed. “I will. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I hung up and sat down on the couch. Jesus, I had no idea how much I missed home. Not Barrington High, not at all. But my folks for sure. It was really hard not being able to talk to my dad, but it was great talking to Mom.
“Hey, you okay?” Mark said, walking in. I nodded.
“I’m homesick too, Guppy.” He sat down and put an arm around my shoulder. “You know who I actually miss?”
“Who?”
Mark grinned. “Madison.”
“Oh, tell me you’re joking.”
“Not at all. Watching her be a priss every day was so pathetically funny. And Darren’s ape brain.”
I leaned on Mark’s shoulder. “You are totally weird.”
“I know. That’s why you love me.”
“Duh.” I may not have had home or family here, but I still had my best friends in the whole world.

We left for Vegas three hours later. I didn’t even bother trying to sleep that night; I knew I wouldn’t. Mollers came one the Rush And Ruin bus, again, for the drive. Vegas was the only city so far where we would be spending two days, since it was freaking Vegas.
“You know what we haven’t done in fucking forever?” Levi spoke up about and hour after we left Reno.
“Slept a whole nine hours?” I guessed.
“That, and we haven’t watched Super Why!”
Rush And Ruin all exchanged looks. Holy shit.
Mollers watched in confusion as the band started moving all at once. Keeping with tradition we were all still in our pajamas.
“Do we have eggs?!” I called around the bus. “TELL ME WE HAVE EGGS.”
“Psh, we should,” Drew responded as she came back out to the lounge, carrying an obscene amount of pillows. “If we don’t we’re stopping the damn bus.”
“DAMN DESERT!” Levi was trying to get a signal on the flatscreen. “WHY DO YOU HATE US? I JUST WANT TO WATCH MY MOTHERFUCKING CHILDREN’S PROGRAMMING.”
“Someone please explain to me what’s going on.” Mollers hadn’t moved from the couch, still just watching.
“What’s going on is I cannot find my bunny slippers!” Monster yelled from the back of the bus.
“WHAT IS GOING ON?!” Molly demanded.
“Saturday tradition,” Mark said as he mixed a can of orange juice from concentrate. “Children’s programming, eggs, and the most fucking fun you will ever have in your life.”
We organized ourselves—Monster, Levi, and Mark all snuggled up on the couch while the girls sat on a mattress of pillows on the floor that stretched back as far as the kitchen. I finally found eggs and Levi finally got the TV working, but according to the guide Super Why! didn’t come on for another hour.
To include Mollers in the whole funness, we let her pick the meantime programming. She found Rugrats on NickToons. This made us all very very happy.
“You know,” Drew said. “Does anyone else find it mildly weird that Tommy and Lil never really wore pants?”
“They did in All Growed Up,” Monster said.
“All Growed Up doesn’t count,” Molly said. “All Growed Up sucked.”
Monster scoffed. “Untrue.”
“Totally true! That was just Nickelodeon’s pathetic attempt to keep Rugrats going! At that point they didn’t even make up words. And Reptar up and disappeared.”
“So?”
“Rugrats isn’t Rugrats without Reptar, dude. It just isn’t. Everyone knows that.”
Mark tilted his head. “Reptar always freaked me out.” Molly’s jaw dropped and Mark shrugged. “Well, he did.”
“That’s… that’s just wrong. Just fucking wrong.”
“That’s what I said when we were little,” I said. “But you should’ve seen him. Every time Reptar popped up he would cover his eyes and sing ‘I’m A Little Teapot’ to distract himself.”
“Except for the one time when my arms were broken…” Mark shuddered.
Drew looked at him. “How the hell did you manage to break both arms?”
“I jumped off the top of the monkey bars and landed on the edge of a slide.” Orange juice blasted out of Levi’s nose.
“THAT IS THE FUNNIEST MENTAL PICTURE EVER.”
“Hey man, that hurt like a bitch.”
Mollers laughed. “That sounds more like something Clayah would do.” I punched her in the arm.
“Hey, look Mark!” Monster pointed at the TV screen. “It’s Reptar!” Mark shoved his face in a pillow and started humming.
“Oh, that’s just sad,” Molly said.
Half an hour later we changed the channel to Super Why!
It was the episode about finding Cinderella by going through the glitter path.
“And Clayah is wearing her Marvel boxers,” Levi said. All of Rush And Ruin started laughing uncontrollably.
Molly crossed her arms. “I’m getting sick of missing out on inside jokes….”
“WHO HAS MANGO CONDOMS?!” Drew said.

When we got to Vegas, Rush And Ruin had to meet up with Yoda at some hotel to sign a bunch of CDs. Reprise was having a contest to see who would win the signed copies.
We all had to sign 200 albums. After an hour and a half I couldn’t feel my hand.
But seeing the album was the best moment of my life.
Drew was an amazing artist and had painted the cover art a few months back; on top of a black background you could see a boy’s hands holding a black heart and ripping it in half, and only the heartstrings were keeping it barely attached. The body of a girl lay at his feet. You could only see her below the neck to about her mid-thighs, and her chest was ripped open, ribs and lungs exposed, blood all around her and a big empty space in her chest in the shape of a heart. The printers had added the lettering. In calligraphy:
Rush And Ruin
My Shallow Teenage Woes.
I wanted to explode with intense joy.
After all the signing was done, I could swear to God Levi was high off of Sharpie’s.
“Who wants to go get wasted?” he said, hopping up and down.
“Levi,” Mark said flatly, “You can’t get wasted, you’re nineteen.”
“Pffffffffttt.” Spit sprayed from Levi’s mouth. “This is Vegas, baby, everyone can get wasted.” Then he started hopping up and down again. “OH OH OH, better idea. Let’s go around the city and reenact The Hangover.”
Don’t judge to quick.
That’s exactly what we did for the rest of the afternoon.

You And Me Is Only Me
(Shier/Demia/Pettington)
Day in and day out, there’s slice on your mouth
There’s a split in your lip I could fit my hand down
I’d swerve through your bloodstream and get to your heart
Squeeze all things vascular and blow you apart.
There’s a sulking pain beneath my stomach
Throbbing like there are knives oozing from it
But if it’s not red yet than I’m okay
If I can’t feel it then there’s no pain

If a heart is broken but still beating
While a single string holds up the healing
Does that mean that there’s hope left in the world?
Stepping stones composed of needles
Broken glass thrown by bitter people
This world is every monster ever seen.

We’ve all got battle scars but I’m making mine count
You’re butterfly lips are so soft and so loud
My tongue despises all these tastes
Words spurring out at a liar’s pace

If a heart is broken but still beating
While a single string holds up the healing
Does that mean that there’s hope left in the world?
Stepping stones composed of needles
Broken glass thrown by bitter people
This world is every monster ever seen.

I have a million lines and yet no songs
Jigsaw pieces with nowhere to align
Even the sweetest spit some poison
But they all fall down in time

If a heart is broken but still beating
While a single string holds up the healing
Does that mean that there’s hope left in the world?
Stepping stones composed of needles
Broken glass thrown by bitter people
This world is every monster ever seen.

If a heart is broken but still beating
While a single string holds up the healing
Does that mean that there’s hope left in the world?
Stepping stones composed of needles
Broken glass thrown by bitter people
This world is every monster ever seen.

Even the sweetest spit some poison
But they all fall down in time.