Someone out There Loves You

Interview with The Used, Buzznet.com
Question: What’s the best part about touring with girls?
Jeph Howard: Oh God, we love all three of those girls so much. Frank’s daughter is such a blast, for one. We just celebrated Drew’s birthday yesterday which was so fucking fun. And Clayah is extremely talented for her age.
Quinn Allman: And the thing is that their all really really smart. They don’t do any of that girly type shit either and have no problem putting up with gross guys on the road.
Dan Whitesides: Haha, they’re pretty nasty themselves.
Quinn Allman: OH MY GOD they’re gonna kill you for saying that…
Question: What’s the worst part about touring with girls on the road?
Bert McCraken: OH OH OH, I totally call this one; okay, so, you know how they say women who live together cycle together? Yeah. So that… all three of them at once… it’s just fucking scary.
Jeph Howard: Oh God, seriously, it is terrifying, you cannot imagine. It’s like, one girl on it is one thing and is pretty okay to deal with. But three of them at once is a damned nightmare like you would not believe.

“I MISS JACK.”
“I MISS PAUL.”
“SHUT UP I’M SINGLE.”
The guys all watched us from their various places on the stage and in the mosh pit. Even the techs had stopped moving and just stared at us.
“THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?” I snapped at them. They all freaked out and resumed with their work. Onstage I heard Billie whisper something to Mike about “eminent terror” before fine tuning his guitar again.
Our album came out two days ago, and now all three of us girls had reached that time of the month. Way to ruin the happy flow. Plus, Drew and I were sorely lacking sleep from getting in at one and waking up at seven to go meet up with Jared and set up shit for the video. This wasn’t as difficult for me, since I lived on caffeine and insomnia. But now I was having to deal with my own perfectionism, Drew’s [albeit occasional since she was always bleeding sunshine whenever Jared was around] bitching, Molly’s very feisty period emotions, chocolate cravings, and cramps. Although, considering three of us were all on it at once, that probably made each of us worse.
“Uhm… Mollers?”
Everyone on the floor turned to Frank, amazed that he had the balls to speak. He was cuddled within himself in a fetal position, meekly raising his hand like a kid afraid of being called on and answering wrong.
“What?” Molly’s voice had less bite to it, and Frank loosened a little.
“Do you want some like… chocolate or something?”
Mikey squeezed his eyes shut tight and winced. “Oh, shit…”
I lit up. “For real, Frank? GOD. We’re having emotional turmoil right now, goddammit! Chocolate isn’t going to fix our fucking problems!”
“That was really stupid, Frank,” Gerard said from his leaned back position, taking a sip of iced coffee and skimming through his Twitter. “Really stupid.”
“I was just trying to help!”
Drew pressed her fingers against her temples. “We’re sorry.” The girls had learned that in fierce situations it was easiest to speak for each other. “You know how you can help?”
Frank brightened, glad to be forgiven and accepted. “Sure, anything!”
“Run down to the Walgreen’s and get a box of Midol.”
His face went dark again. “You mean like… that stuff that…”
“THE PERIOD PILL.” Molly threw her arms in the air. “The damned miracle cramp-and-bloating-be-gone medicine that should be a god.”
“But...”
“Frankenstien,” I said, using my new nickname for him, “Don’t tell me you’re gonna be all weird about it. It’s not like your buying tampons.”
“It’s basically the same thing,” Frank huffed.
“C’mon Frank,” Ray said, standing. “I’ll just go with you.” Frank seemed much happier with this and he and Ray left quickly, obviously glad to escape. That left just Rush And Ruin, Molly, and the Way brothers. Green Day were doing there sound check and The Used were doing an interview.
“Hey Gerard?” Levi spoke up from the game of Tic Tac Toe he and Monster we playing on the mosh pit floor using chalk, leaving the entire surface covered in their games. “Is it gonna stop raining soon?”
“Dude it’s Washington State,” Mark said. “It’s always raining.”
“Actually it’s supposed to let up in about an hour,” Gerard said. “Or so says Google.”
“Google for the win!” Levi clapped his hands and pumped his arms over his head. “Just in time for the MTV thingy-whatever.”
I frowned. I personally adored the rain. Nothing wrong with sunlight, but rain is just soothing and keeps you mellowed out.
And considering where we were I really needed the comfort.

“Right now, we are in one of the most tourist visited states, a statistic that’s shot sky-high within the last five years due to it’s new vampiric fame.”
Gerard groaned quietly from behind the camera. “He did not just make a Twilight reference…”
“Two of the bands we’re with today,” Matt continued to the cameras, “are famous for their love of horror movies. Since we’re in the ‘vampire state,’ we’re going to test that. My Chemical Romance and Rush And Ruin will face off in a race, picking one of the other two bands to join their team. They will then find flags with their team color in the woods, open the envelope that awaits them, and write down their answer immediately. As soon as they finish they need to hand the answer to one of the cameramen accompanying them and continue to the next checkpoint. Whoever reaches the finish line first with the most correct answers wins.”
“It’s like mine and Molly’s scavenger hunt,” Levi said. “But more complex.”
“Our scavenger hunt?”
“You just flicked a match into the gas tank, bro.” Jeph shook his head in disappointment.
Matt welcomed us in front of the camera and assigned us our colors, letting us pick the other band on our team; The Used would go with My Chemical Romance as the purple team and Green Day would come with us as the blue team.
“Question!” Monster said, shooting his hand high above his head and hopping up and down.
Matt was a little weirded out. “Yes?”
“Can we just be Team Smurf?”
“…Sure. Whatever you want.”
“UNCOOL,” Bert said. “There’s nothing cool that’s purple.”
“Uhm, excuse me.” Drew pulled her ray gun out of it’s holster (which she found for a dollar in some resale place in Oregon). “I beg to differ.”
“Team Drew’s Ray Gun is a long ass name. And it doesn’t even work, you’re not on our team. Are they’re any like, purple superheroes?” He automatically looked at Gerard.
Gerard scrunched up his face in thought. “There’s a dude named Purple Man, one of Daredevil’s enemies--”
“Lame,” their whole team said.
“Well the only other thing that comes to mind is Prince.”
Bert’s face lit up. “TEAM PRINCE.”
I rolled my eyes. “That’s real treatening.”
“Coming from a Smurf?”
“Hey, Donnie Darko fucking talked about Smurfs. We’re badass and asexual so shut it.”
Matt handed out a map, an air horn (in case we got lost), as many ripped pieces of cloth that were needed for each person according to their team color, and a couple pens to each team. We all lined up at the starting line.
“Ready, Clayah?” Tre smiled at me. He was wary, though, worried I was still bitchy.
“Hell yes, why do you think I’m in my fast position?” I winked at him so he would know I meant it in all fun.
“On your mark… get set… GO!”
We all charged off into the woods. Billie looked like a fucking idiot as he tried to read the map and run at the same time-- his back was stark straight and his legs were running right from the knees. It was fucking hilarious.
“We…gotta… huh, huh… keep going… straight.”
“UNFAIR!” I looked into the trees and saw a couple camera guys on a golf cart. “Why don’t we get one?!”
“’Get up and play an hour a day,’ Shier,” Mark said. “Isn’t exercise good for menstrual cramps or something?”
“She’s gonna… kill you!” Mike called from behind us. “You said… ‘cramps,’ now… you’re in trouble.”
We finally found the first flag. Drew got there first and tore it open, reading the question out loud.
“’Nineteen years ago I escaped a cage by disguising myself as my own victim. I broke my calling card and didn’t devour the officer’s organs. Who am I?’”
“That’s a pretty weak hint,” Mike grumbled.
“The Silence of the Lambs.” Everyone just looked at me. “Hannibal Lecter escaped after murdering two security guards and then skinning one of their faces to put over his and be driven away in an ambulance. The film was released in 1991, which would be nineteen years ago.”
“How the hell do you know all that?!” Tre said in shock.
“Horror movie whore. Now just right the answer and let’s go!”
It took us 5 minutes to find the next checkpoint, and we only got back on the right track when Monster noticed Billie was holding the map upside down. When we got there, Mark ripped open the envelope.
“’My black and white masterpiece was originally my creation and is known as one of the best horror films since Hitchcock’s Psycho. What director am I?’”
“OH OH OH,” Billie started to snap his fingers as if it would provoke a thought to come. “I know this one, it’s… uh, it’s--”
“George A. Romero.”
Billie stompted his foot. “DAMMIT, Levi!”
He patted Billie on the back. “You’ll get the next one.”
Luckily the next one had water bottles waiting for us. Monster was the skinniest of all of us and was hardly tired, so he read the next question while the rest of us chugged water like it was the last thing we would ever taste.
“’It began when I locked two men together, with steel chains and pipes to tether. Only one knew of the rumors, and was well aware of my deathly tumor. When I pulled the fake skin off my head, I left the youngest man for dead. What is the name of the actor who plays me?’”
We looked at Billie for the answer even though we could see Drew positively squirming behind him. Billie’s face was completely blank.
“I have absolutely no fucking clue.”
“IT’S THE SAW MOVIES,” Drew screamed. “It’s Jigsaw!”
“Ooooh.” The realization hit Billie then. “Right. Knew that.”
“Okay, Drew,” I said, “What’s the actor’s name?”
Now she was at a loss for words. “…I can’t remember. Don’t you know? You’re always good about actor’s names.”
I shrugged. “I dunno this one.”
The eight of us stood there in the middle of the woods, stroking our chins until Mark snapped his fingers. “I got it! Tobin Bell!”
“Are you sure?” Mike said.
“Absolutely.”
“Positive.”
Mark rolled his eyes and held out his hand. “Monster, give me the answer sheet.”
Monster held the answer sheet to his chest like he was protecting a child. “I dunno, Mark, Mike has a point.”
“Oh, fuck this!” Drew stormed up to Monster and tried to snatch it from his hand. When he wouldn’t let go she narrowed her eyes at him.
“Give it to me, Monster!”
“No! I’m just being cautious! If we’re not positive about an answer then the other team has a better chance of winning. It’s seven to one, I’m not risking that.”
“Give. Me. The damn. CARD.”
When Drew was finally pulling it from his hands, a huge gust of wind came. Her fingers weren’t pinching the paper tight enough and the wind carried it up into the branches of an evergreen tree.
“Oh shit,” I said as I looked up at it. “Now what?”
Levi spotted the camera guys. “Hey, can we get another paper to write our answer on?”
One of them shrugged his shoulders. “Sorry, one per team. I don’t have another anyways.”
“Well,” Drew said, cracking her knuckles, “I guess I’m just gonna have to climb up there and get it.”
“You’re insane!” Tre said. “You could get seriously hurt doing that!”
“I’ll risk it. Plus I used to rock climb with my dad all the time when I was younger, so the climb is nothing.” She walked up to the tree trunk and unzipped her hoodie. She took it off and wrapped it around the tree, wrapping her hands around once with the sleeves. Drew assessed everything for a moment, then kicked her legs up and put her feet on the trunk. She used a combination of her steps and the hoodie to climb up to the branch where the bright blue envelope waited.
Now, Drew was very athletic; she had strong drummer shoulders and a sporty build, and was very fit. Walking up that tree was no problem for her muscular legs. Plus she was kind of short-- clocking in at about five four-- so she didn’t weigh all that much either. And yes, she did used to climb with her dad all the time. The whole band knew that. But Drew was putting one very important detail behind her.
Drew was afraid of heights.
You would think that doesn’t make any sense since she used to climb all the time. But when she was eleven, her family had taken a trip to Minnesota. Early on morning she and her dad went out rock climbing. The had all the right equipment and nothing was knotted or worn and they both wore helmets. The night before it had rained though, and the rocks were still pretty slippery. Drew took one wrong step and slipped. She swung backward, but the rope slammed her back against the rock. She broke her arm and two ribs, also fracturing her left kneecap. From then on she was too scared to climb.
Rush And Ruin watched her climb; we were all terrified just looking up at her. Drew was the kind of person that usually didn’t like to admit she was afraid of anything-- except waterskiing. But this was just plain stupid. Green Day was tense too, but nothing compared to my sweating palms and nail-biting.
Drew finally made it to the branch. She considered it sturdy enough and let go of her hoodie, quickly grabbing onto the branch and swinging up on top of it.
I quick ran to get her hoodie and yelled up to her. “Badass, Drewsky! You’re totally gonna get it!”
“Yeah,” Billie said, “But how’s she getting down without her jacket?”
He intended to say it quietly, but not quietly enough. Drew heard him and looked down… and we were fucked.
“OH GOD.”
“It’s okay, Drew!” Mark yelled. “You’re not even that high up, it just looks like it to you!” This was semi-bull-- she was pretty high.
“YOU LYING FUCK.”
“No, seriously, you’re not.” Levi crossed his fingers behind his back.
Locks of Drew’s brown hair began to cling to her face as she started to sweat with fear. She couldn’t stop staring at the ground.
“C’mon, Drew, you can do it,” Monster yelled. “Just don’t look down, we’re running out of time!”
“You know what?” Drew screamed. “Don’t tell me what the hell do to, and do not tell me we’re running out of time. I will get the envelope, just give me a second!” But her eyes got wider as the moments passed. “I’m still trying to figure out how to get down…”
“Just grab it then we’ll work it out!” Mike yelled.
“…Fine.”
Drew looked down the branch to the envelope. The branch was seven, maybe eight feet long, and the envelope waited near the end of it.
“Know what… I’ll pass,” she yelled. “Not worth it. GET ME DOWN.”
“Drew,” Mike said. His voice was even and soothing. “Drew Bryant, you are super freaking brave. Know that? You play in front of thousands of people every night. You go up there and slam the shit out of your drums and don’t give a fuck if people are haters, because your heart’s all in it. That’s bravery. Like, Gryffindor level. So if you can climb up there in the first place, you can grab that little envelope.”
I raised my eyebrows. Why didn’t I think of that? Damn, Mike was good.
And it worked, too. I saw Drew nod seriously, then look back down the branch at the envelope-- it was about two feet in front of her now. All she had to do was let go of the branch with one arm and snatch it. She tensed her jaw (a sign showing that, determined, she would do it whether or not it was possible, a total Drew thing) and let go. Her body clung to the branch so tight a boa constrictor would be jealous… she stretched her fingers as far as they would go… and got the envelope.
You could hear everyone exhale from a mile away.
“Okay, now get me--”
Drew retracted her arm within herself so fast that it spun her upside down. She may have been holding on tight, but not tight enough.
I just about died of a heart attack as I watched her scream and free fall.
Lucky there were no branches below her for her to hit on the way down. But there was the forest floor. I think if Tre, Monster, and I hadn’t been total idiots Drew would’ve gotten severely hurt.
While everyone else was frozen with fear the three of us charged forward, pretty unaware of one another. We positioned ourselves right beneath Drew. I was the weakest of everyone so I couldn’t exactly catch her… but I did become of use.
The three of us held our arms out as if to cradle her. Drew finally came to our level, but the inertia weighed ten times more then she did. Tre and Monster actually caught her in their arms, but the force also slammed them down on their knees. I caught her, too. But I more so served as padding.
I hit the forest floor hard enough to knock the breath out of me. I saw stars as my head spun. When I regained my breath, I managed to say, “Drewsky, you alright?”
“Peachy,” she gasped.
“Damn that hurt,” Tre winced, referring to his legs.
“Girl you done near broke my febula. Or whatever that thigh bone is, I can’t remember it I failed ontonomy but OW.” Monster rubbed his injury. “I haven’t gotten that hurt since that Spice Girls concert.”
“Fruitcake,” Mark rolled his eyes.
Billie raised an eyebrow at Monster. “Spice Girls? Really? Because I don’t recall them having a mosh pit.”
“They didn’t. But hey—“ Monster pointed at Billie seriously, “—Some people get really fucking violent about the Spice Girls. Trust me.”
We all got our bearings and everyone else helped us up. As soon as she was standing Drew slammed the envelope into Monster’s chest.
“Right down ‘Tobin Bell’ right the fuck now,” she growled, “Or I swear to God I will suffocate you with tampons when we get back, since you blame the anger on my period.” In genuine fear, Monster scribbled down the actor’s name.

We came out of the forest and spotted the finish line in the clearing. Then spotted “Team Prince” across the clearing.
“RUN!” I screamed.
Both teams charged to wear Matt stood. The poor guy was whipping his head back and forth, trying to see both teams, clearly afraid of becoming a sandwich.
Mark slapped his hand onto Matt’s shoulder first. “HA!” he yelled, pointing to the other team. “BEAT YOU.”
“Uhm… ow.” Matt rubbed his shoulder.
“Doesn’t matter yet,” Dan said, crossing his arms. “It counts on how many right answers each of us has.”
“He’s right,” Matt said. “So give me a minute to check the answers and we’ll find out who won… right after this!”
While the camera guys stopped rolling for a commercial break, Matt checked the scores. Everyone’s nervous ticks came out; shifting from foot to foot, thumb-twiddling, constantly trying to peek at whatever Matt was counting. I personally kept trying to untangle dry leaves from my black bangs.
The cameras started rolling again. “Welcome back.” Matt flashed his bright white grin at the cameras (seriously, I kinda wanted that dude’s teeth). “We’ve counted the scores…” Both teams leaned in a bit. “…And we have a tie!”
“MOTHER… GRR!” Frank stamped his foot, remembering he couldn’t swear.
“Actually, Team Prince had the most right answers. Team Smurf missed by one.” He held up the envelope, and Gerard snatched it from his hand.
“HA!” he laughed, looking at us. “You serious said Nosferatu came out in the 50s?”
Our entire team glared at Billie. We had given him one freebie question-- but he was self conscious, and wouldn’t let us look at his answer. He stared at his feet. “Sorry…”
“But,” Matt said, “Since Team Smurf got here first, that counts as a point, which makes it ten to ten! And now, we have a tiebreaker question. Once we ask the question, each team will have 30 seconds to discuss with each other. Ready?”
I saw Mikey bounce up and down on his toes with excitement, and even though I’d been a tad irritated with him lately I couldn’t help but smile.
Matt held up a card and read it aloud. “The remake of this movie featured a single from one of the bands here today in the credits.” I saw Ray scoff-- of course they would know, it was their single. “This remake featured a blond beauty famous for the family business. But the real heroin saw her boyfriend constricted in the final word of this movie’s title.”
Oh my God, if any of the guy’s in My Chemical Romance made another cocky face, I’d kill them all.
“What was the release date of the original film?”
I saw the faces of the My Chem guys fall.
Karma, bitch.
“You may now discuss with your team.”
Team Smurf gathered in a huddle. “Okay,” Levi said, “Does anyone know this one?” Most answered no. But surprisingly, the least likely person knew.
“I’m positive about this one, guys!” Billie said.
“The 50s?” I said in disbelief. “Seriously?”
“Okay, that was a fail. But I really do know this one!” He shrugged. “And this one really is the 50s.”
“I don’t believe you,” Mike said.
“Do you have a better answer?”
“Time’s up!” Matt yelled.
Both teams broke from their huddles. I couldn’t help but smile inside when I saw Team Prince looking completely clueless. Then again it’s not like we were so sure.
“Team Prince,” Matt said. “What is your answer?”
Quinn cleared his throat. “House Of Wax. The original was released in… 1959?”
Matt frowned. “I’m sorry, that is incorrect.” Frank stamped his foot again.
“Team Smurf?”
We were totally stuck. We had no answer--
“House Of Wax…”
SHUT THE FUCK UP BILLIE!!
“Originally released in… 1953.”
Matt smiled. “Correct! Team Smurf wins!”
Tre picked Billie up and spun him around. “You beautiful, beautiful man!” Tre planted repeated kisses on Billie’s cheek. “Have I ever told you I love you? Because I do. A lot.”
When Tre set him down, Billie slapped the back of Tre’s hand, like a mother scolding a child-- the best part was that Tre’s facial expression was the same as a kid’s would be when he pulled his hand back.
“Don’t you dare say you love me,” Billie said. “You thought I was gonna be wrong.”
Drew threw an arm around Billie’s shoulder. “I believed you.”
“Liar.”
“Yeah, kinda.”
“But you did humor me.” Billie returned the gesture and half hugged Drew. “Therefore, when we get back to the buses, you get an Oreo.”
“YES!”
Monster frowned. “I want an Oreo…”
Levi slapped him upside the head.

The gig that night was amazing. But even better was going outside afterwards. For the first time kids weren’t just bringing posters to sign and cameras to get pictures. They were bringing albums.
“It’s so trippy,” Drew said later on the bus while everyone got ready to fall asleep during the night drive to Seattle. “Seeing my own art on the album cover.”
“It looks totally awesome, though,.” Mark said. “I wouldn’t even sign the front, I opened it up and signed the back of the insert. Would’ve totally ruined it.” Drew blushed.
Of course, we all woke up the next morning covered in bruises and aching from rolling out of our bunks. Of course, Drew and I were awake first. Jared was still back in Oregon getting everything set up for our video, so we iChat’d him at 7, because he had more coordination stuff to do at 8.
“Morning, sunshines,” he said brightly.
“Hey, Jared,” Drew said, lighting up as usual. I yawned.
“Tired?”
“Very,” I said. “We were out late with fans.”
“Well, this will make your morning. I talked to the school and they said we could borrow it on Saturday. And for the next three days before that they’ll have some sign up sheet or whatever in their cafeteria for kids who wanna be extras.”
A knock came on the bus door. I flicked the coffeepot to start brewing and stepped over to answer it. And there stood Molly with a Perkins doggy bag in her hand. I smelled the strong scent of blueberry pancakes and sausage.
I put a finger to my lips to let her know to be quiet. She nodded and stepped up, where I gave her a hug and silent thank yous.
“I would’ve brought coffee,” she whispered, “But I guessed you might have some of your own.” She grinned.
Molly chilled on the couch while I went over to the cabinet and started to get plates out, signaling back and forth with her about what she wanted-- coffee or no, sugar and milk in it, how many pancakes, so on.
“Clayah?” Jared said from the computer. Drew had been talking with him about details and now they had both noticed me in the background. “What are you doing?”
I laughed. “Hi, sorry.” I held up the doggy bag. “Breakfast.”
“YUM.” Drew stood up from the computer and checked everything out.
“Okay, but who are you signaling to?”
“Oh, right! Mollers, come here.”
Her face lit up, clearly excited to be told she was about to speak to Jared Leto. She stood up from the couch and smoothed her shirt and hair, then took a step sidewayw and smiled into the camera of Drew’s laptop.
“Hi, Jared,” she said. She made herself sound confident but I could see her knee bouncing with excitement.
“Hey, you’re Molly Iero, right?” She nodded. “Cool, I’m really glad I finally get to talk to you.”
That one sentence made Molly’s day. “I’m really glad I get to talk to you. Like, really glad.”
He smiled. “So you’re the love interest in the video, huh?”
Molly’s face scrunched in confusion. “Huh?”
“Oh, uhm, Jared I hadn’t told her yet,” I said.
“Ah. That explains the face.”
“Clayah?” Molly looked at me for an explanation.
I smiled sheepishly. “How do you feel about cross-dressing?”

I rinsed the mud of my Chucks and left them in the bathtub to dry. I supposed I would have to borrow a pair of Gerard’s shoes or just go barefoot onstage tonight. Thank you, wet Washington forest.
The entire day before had been a blast. The only downside: Molly was still giving us the cold shoulder. Even when I asked her to come with our team she just turned her back on me.
“Mollers, come on,” I said. “Don’t be like that.”
“Michael James Way, I will be however the hell I want to be,” she snapped. “And I am justified to be royally pissed at you.”
“If you just give us time--”
“Time? Time? Mikey, you’ve had a MONTH. An entire month you’ve been lying to her, and I won’t stand to see it. It’s your responsibility to tell her. I’m resisting because I want you and Gerard to do it. Because that’s the right thing to do. Now just… do it.”
I thought for a moment. “Okay,” I said. “Give us one more month.”
Molly looked at me skeptically out of the corner of her eye. “That’s an awfully long time…”
“Please?”
“…And if you don’t?”
I sighed. “Then you can tell her. And hate the two of us forever.”
Mollers considered this for a long time. “Okay. Deal.”
“Now will you join our team?”
“Pff, hell no!” she said. “It’s wet and cold.”
I took off my jacket and handed it to her. She took it gratefully. I was cold, for sure, but it was worth bearing through so long as Mollers didn’t hate me anymore.
I walked out of the bathroom to find Gerard had woken up, and was now sitting on the edge of his bed, stretching.
“Morning,” I said. “Did I wake you rinsing my shoes?”
“Nah, it’s fine,” he yawned, ruffling his bright red hair in an attempt to organize it. “When did you wake up?”
“Eh, about an hour ago. I couldn’t really sleep.”
“Oh?”
I sat in the corner chair that faced Gerard’s bed. I hadn’t yet told him about my little deal with Molly.
“Why the serious face?” he asked.
“I talked to Molly yesterday.”
“Holy shit, how’d you manage that?”
“I, uh, made a little deal with her.”
Gerard’s body tensed. “What kind of deal?”
“…I may have promised that we would tell Clayah within a month.”
“May have?”
“Look, hard as it may be, it probably is the right thing to do.” I stunned myself. “I can’t believe I just said that.”
“Neither can I.” Gerard rubbed his eyes. “Okay, since I know Mollers so well: what’s the ‘or else’?”
“Or else she will tell her.”
“Oh… fuck.” He rubbed his eyes. “This keeps haunting us.”
“Yeah, I know.”
Gerard dwelled on this for a moment. “Well, there’s only one thing that can help us right now.”
“What’s that?”
“Starbuck’s. Grab your wallet and jacket.”
That’s my big brother.

Starbuck’s really did help, and by the show that night I think both of us felt a lot better. Obviously, Molly hadn’t completely forgiven us yet, but she wasn’t as brisk as she had been. I knew the three of us wouldn’t really be quite the same until we told Clayah.
Gerard and I stood together outside, attempting to hold Sharpies and sign stuff with gloves on-- a lot harder than you’d think. By the time everyone had cleared out and gone home, we were both freezing.
“Are we still going to Rush And Ruin’s bus tonight?” Gerard asked.
“Yeah, movie night.” I saw Gerard shivering and gave him a pat on the back. “Clayah will have coffee for sure. You can make the walk.” He laughed.
When we turned the corner, we saw some kid looming in front of the stage door, clearly waiting for something and constantly checking his watch. I was amazed; he’d probably been standing out there for a while based on how cold he looked and the only fan I could place who had that kind of vigilance was Barnabus.
“Hey dude,” I called to him as Gerard and I came toward him. “You need something?”
Clearly he had no idea who we were. Fine by me. I couldn’t handle even one more fan tonight.
“Nah, it’s cool,” he said. “I’m just waiting for someone to come out.”
“Who?”
He smiled. “Clayah Shier. She and I go way back, I haven’t seen her in ages.”
I chuckled. They all went “way back” with musicians. “That so.”
“Yeah. Clayah and I went to school together. Back in Barrington.”
“Wait.” I jumped at how hard Gerard’s voice was. “What’s your name kid?”
“Uhm... why?”
“Because I asked you,” Gerard growled.
“Uh… Ryan.”
I was totally confused as to why Gerard wanted to know this kid’s name so bad. When I looked at him to ask, his eyes were black. His jaw was clenched. His face was red, and not from the cold. In short, he was fucking pissed.
“You little fuck!”
Gerard stormed up to the kid, who was so scared he didn’t even move. Gerard grabbed him by the collar and slammed him against the wall.
“Hey, man!” Ryan screamed. “What the hell’s your problem?”
“You are my problem you little shit!” Gerard slammed him on the wall again.
I was getting pretty freaked out, too. And extremely confused. I came up behind Gerard and clasped on his shoulder.
“Gee, my God, relax! What are you doing?”
He let go of Ryan with one hand and slapped me away, never tearing his livid eyes from Ryan.
“It was you, wasn’t it?” Gerard yelled at him. “You were the one driving!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about--”
“LIAR.” Gerard punched the kid in the face. “Hell yes you do! You know exactly what I’m talking about!”
The fear in Ryan’s eyes and the fury in Gerard’s left me wordless. But I tried anyways.
“Holy shit, Gerard! Seriously, calm down bro, he’s just a random kid I don’t get why—“
“He’s not a random kid Mikey,” Gerard yelled, whipping to face me. “He’s the driver?”
“Driver of WHAT?”
Gerard’s face dropped quickly, now shocked. “Oh hell, I forgot…”
At that moment the stage door opened. I could hear Molly and Clayah laughing.
“Holy Jesus, it’s cold!” Molly said. She quickly wrapped her arms around herself.
Clayah laughed. “You have no cold tolerance.”
“No, and I don’t get how you stand it.”
“Pff, I grew up in the Midwest, this weather is nothing compared to—“
She turned and saw us, and Molly’s eyes followed, widening. Gerard still had Ryan pressed against the wall by the neck, and the kid was trying to pry Gerard’s hands away.
“Gerard, what are you doing?!” Molly was stunned and horrified.
Clayah’s reaction, on the other hand, daunted me. She just stared, open mouthed, at this Ryan kid, and Gee’s angry face.
“Oh my God… Oh my…”
She fell against Molly, who tried to reach her hand out and hold Clayah up. But Clayah slid to the ground and sat there on her side with her hand over her mouth. I’d never seen that kind of facial expression on anyone before; she was shocked… she was scared… she was haunted.
Gerard turned back to the Ryan kid. “You’ve got some nerve coming here,” he snarled. “After what you did.”
Ryan was gasping for air as he spoke. “I w-was just try-ing to talk to Cl-ay-ah.”
“Why?”
“We we-re fr-iends—“
“Yeah, right before you jeopardized her life! I can’t believe you would dare come here. I’m sure you just came to see if you could get your fifteen minutes of fame for knowing her, huh?”
“W-well…”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Gerard finally let go of Ryan, who fell to the ground holding his throat.
“Get the fuck out of here,” Gerard said in a low voice. “I don’t ever want to see your face again.”
Ryan didn’t argue. He got up and stumbled in the other direction as fast as he could.
I walked up to Gerard. “What the hell was that about?”
But he didn’t answer me. Just stared in the direction Ryan had gone. “I should’ve killed that piece of trash…”
We heard a sob behind us and turned to see Molly knelt down next to Clayah. Our little sister (oh, that’s how I was really thinking now?) was red-faced and on the verge of hyperventilating, not even able to cry.
I ran over and crouched down. “Clayah? Clayah, come on, calm down…”
“What just happened?” Molly said, lost.
“If I knew I would tell you.”
Just then Clayah broke. Her body folded over and just started to cry, noiseless and shaking. I couldn’t just watch it. I reached out and curled her up in my arms and lay her head against my chest. I didn’t know that Ryan kid, or what he did, but I was watching a piece of Clayah’s soul tear out of her body. And now I hated him, too.

Blind Side
(Shier)

I’m sitting in the mayhem stream,
Broken hearts are made of dreams,
Caffiene is my gasoline,
So you can keep your OxyContin!
Everyone is sewing seeds,
Of sex and death and evil dreams,
My eyes are tearing at the seams,
I’ve fallen in the faithless margin!

I wasn’t there to see you get wasted away
The process didn’t matter
You still staggered
Down the highway
And the
Bright lights!
In the
Dark night!
Give me
Sleep frights!
Yet we somehow lived through the fight.

Your love is only make-believe,
Born and bred on grinding teeth,
Your revolution has no means
Of showing any real rebellion!
Your neck’s beneath the guillotine,
Beaten ‘till you cannot see,
I see your mind’s filled with disease,
I’ll step on all your perverse notions!

I wasn’t there to see you get wasted away
The process didn’t matter
You still staggered
Down the highway
Clenching my fingers tight
And wishing I
Could just evaporate
And the
Bright lights!
In the
Dark night!
Give me
Sleep frights!
Yet we somehow lived through the fight.

[Instrumentals.]

I’ll blast you into smithereens,
Your brain will drip and slide and bleed,
And after what you did to me
I’m sort of glad you got your dosage!

I wasn’t there to see you get wasted away
The process didn’t matter
You still staggered
Down the highway
Clenching my fingers tight
And wishing I
Could just evaporate
And the
Bright lights!
In the
Dark night!
Give me
Sleep frights!

I wasn’t there to see you get wasted away
The process didn’t matter
You still staggered
Down the highway
Clenching my fingers tight
And wishing I
Could just evaporate
And the
Bright lights!
In the
Dark night!
Give me
Sleep frights!
Yet we somehow lived through the fight.