Someone out There Loves You

I woke up the next morning pretty disoriented. I knew I was on our bus, and I knew I was out on the couch, which had been pushed out to be a bed.
I remembered the night before.
My eyes had been half closed while I tried to figure things out, but at that last thought my eyes snapped open and I jolted up. Something next to me groaned, and I turned to see Mikey roll over in his sleep. Gerard was on my other side.
Now I remembered what happened; I’d calmed down as best I could, and we went to the bus to start movie night. I’m glad I cleaned up and no one asked questions. Gerard and Mikey sat on either side of me, and Mollers stretched out with her head in my lap, holding my hand for comfort. I didn’t watch the movie at all. How could I focus? I just laughed when everyone else did without knowing what was funny. All I could see was headlights. And smell booze. And feel myself being whipped around the same way the car had spun. My hand burned at the memories.
When the movie was over, everyone was pretty tired. Rush And Ruin could sense something was wrong; they stayed with Green Day for the night. But Molly, Gerard, and Mikey stuck around.
“For the love of God,” Molly said, “Please explain that to us.” There was no need to define “that.” I looked at my feet and Gerard shifted. Mikey and Mollers made a point of sitting down, obviously not going anywhere until they had an answer.
So we gave them one.
Gerard was able to detect the times when the story was too hard to tell and I needed a deep breath, and he filled in that space. Mikey and Molly made those faces that I hated so much and I couldn’t even bear to look at them. After what had happened earlier I wasn’t about to cry all over again.
The whole time through Molly gave repeated “holy shit”s and “oh my God”s. Mikey was dead silent, completely still. When Molly gave me huge hugs, Mikey never moved. But at the same time he didn’t stop looking at me. Just staring. Not a pity stare, but nevertheless I couldn’t look at him back.
Molly finally got a text from Frank saying she had to come back to the bus. She did, and Mikey and Gerard were planning to go too, until I said:
“Guys?” The two of them turned back to me. “Could you just… stay a little while? Please?” I didn’t really want to tell them why. I didn’t have to.
“You’re afraid your dreams are going to come back.” Gerard wasn’t asking a question. I looked down at my feet when I gave a small nod, feeling my eyes get hot again.
“Go on ahead.” It was pretty much the first thing Mikey had said in twenty minutes, and it was directed at Molly. “Let everyone know we’ll be back later.”
Later never came. The three of us talked for a little while, mostly because they had questions, but they tried to switch to any topic after a certain point. Anything by the accident. In a way I was thankful. I didn’t want to fall asleep. We drank a bunch of coffee, especially me, to keep our nerves down. Every now and then my head would start to fall. The first time, Gerard just tipped me back and let me lay down. They stretched on either side, as if they were sentries for me.
I was only truly asleep for about 20 minutes.
I relieved the entire crash in my head, but worse. I dreamt that I’d never gotten my hand out. That the other driver never came. That the fire on my hand stretched to the rest of my skin and I burned alive.
They woke me from my sweating and thrashing and screaming, always right there with a cup of coffee and support.
Every time the dreams were different.
First I was on fire. Second I dreamt Mom and Dad were driving, with their heads smashed against the pavement. I reached out to save them but my seat belt strangled me and held me back.
Tertiary, I actually went into the party with Ryan. But… I wasn’t with Ryan. I was the driver. Ryan waited in the car. I got wasted, I swerved down the highway and insisted I was fine. I whipped the car around and split my skull… I was the villain.
I guess my body finally exhausted itself at about 4 in the morning. But I knew the Ways had kept vigil. I remember falling asleep with Mikey’s hand on my head, stroking my hair to calm me down. Before he rolled over his hand was still there. Gerard had passed out sitting up, his head lolled in my direction, a cup of coffee in his hand.
Now this scene might have sounded creepy to you or to someone’s parents. Understandable. Had it been anyone else I would’ve been weirded out, too. But something about this was different. What it was and why I didn’t know.
Did you ever have that moment when you’ve met someone and automatically knew you were going to be close friends? Or have that empty space in your chest, then somebody comes along and you feel like it’s been filled? That’s how it felt for me around Gerard and Mikey. Plus, look at all the things they’d done for me. They’d given me the balls to go out onstage that first night of the tour. They’d warded off Barnabus (not in the best of ways, but still). Gerard pretty much kicked Ryan’s ass and Mikey was right there for me when it happened. They’d sacrificed much needed sleep to wake me up from night terrors.
It was inexplicable. To me, anyways. And even though I felt like they still had a certain distance from me it would be wrong to stay angry with them. From that moment on I vowed to myself to not get mad at them. Ever. I laid m head back down on my pillow and fell asleep. This time, sound.

“Shut up, Levi, they’re sleeping.”
“Dude, I’m fucking tired, and looking at them is making it worse. I can’t get to my bunk with them stretched out like this.”
“See that part at the end of the bed? We just step up on that, sit ourselves on the counter and spin, then bam. On the other side. Not that hard. I’ll go first.”
I felt the weight at the end of the bed for only a moment before Drew was completely across. “See?” she whispered. “Piece of cake. Now come.”
Levi’s weighed a lot more than Drew; five foot ten and super muscular, Levi was the last person on earth who could get away with “tip toeing.” And normally he was pretty balanced.
But this time he tried to spin himself on the counter and accidently hurled himself onto Mikey’s skinny legs.
“AH!” Mikey shot up, and in doing so hit me in the nose. I cried out as my head jerked back, and I heard a loud combination between a crack and a thump as my skull hit Gerard’s.
The three of us tried to wake ourselves up and comprehend the cause of our Three Stooges moment. When we looked at Levi, he grinned meekly.
“Morning…?”
“Imb gong to kell ew,” I said, holding my nose.
“Hey whoa hey,” Monster said, walking in. “Best friend slaughter is my job. And don’t let the poor kid die before 20, that’s just rude.”
Mikey stretched. “What time is it?”
Levi looked at his watch. “About seven thirty. We’re supposed to drive all day today so it’s a good chance to catch your Zs. Although I guess you guys are good. Sleep well?” The three of us just looked at him. No one had the want, need, or energy to respond. Mikey laid back down.
“Mikes,” I said. “Are you just gonna keep sleeping here?”
“Hell yes. This spot’s all warm now and I’m not moving.”
Gerard’s face crumpled when he noticed something missing. “Where’s Mark?”
“He’s staying on Green Day’s bus for the ride,” Drew said. “He wasn’t feeling well. Must’ve eaten something weird.” She shot me a quick look. “You sticking around with us, too, Gerard? We won’t be much fun, but…”
“Yeah. For sure. You guys just go get some sleep.”
I put my head down and waited until all the noise in the bunk room stopped, and Mikey and Gerard’s breathing stayed even. Then I quietly and carefully stepped over Mikey, grabbed my phone, and locked myself in the bathroom.
It’d be too loud to call him, so I just sent him a text:
R u mad @ me?.
A couple minutes later my phone vibrated.
No. just worried. u ok?
fine, just tired.
u seemed a lot worse than tired, guppy.
I smiled. My best friend knew me all too well.
idk, guess i was just on the verge of a breakdown.
& u couldn’t talk to me?
I had no response to that, so I just stared at my phone, thinking. He send another message.
ur lying. sumthing happened last night after the show. what was it?
I sighed. ryan showed up.
wait. THE ryan?
mmhm.
what happened?
gee nearly killed him.
O.O Couldn’t have said it better myself.

When I woke up again, Clayah wasn’t there next to me. All exhaustion lifted as I jerked up quickly, only to see her standing in the kitchen, brewing coffee.
“Hey Gee, sorry if I woke you,” she whispered so as not to wake anyone on the bus. “Coffee?”
I grinned. “Do you even have to ask?” She laughed quietly and handed me the same mug I’d used last night, sitting down at the end of the bunk and facing me.
“Feel better this morning?” I asked.
Clayah’s face fell a little bit. “Sort of. Mark’s a little mad at me right now. Well, not mad. Disappointed, I guess. Which is worse.”
“Why’s he dissapointed?”
She shrugged. “He’s been my best friend since we were little kids. I texted him this morning and explained everything about last night. He was kind of upset that I didn’t tell him.”
I sipped my coffee. “Understandable.”
“Yeah.” Clayah swirled her coffee in her mug. “Thank you guys.”
“What for?”
She gave me a “no duh” look. “For staying with me last night. You didn’t even need to, really. But you did. And I can’t thank you enough for that.”
Looking at her, knowing how much she’d been hurting the night before, my stomach got some serious fucking butterflies. Ever since this tour started, some crazy shit had gone on. Crazy shit. There were so many things she deserved an explanation for.
I bit my lip. And grew a pair.
“We did need to, Clayah.” My whispering voice wavered when I spoke.
She gave me a curious look. “How do you mean?”
I don’t think I’ve ever been so terrified in my life. “Mikey and I care about you. Very, very much.”
She blushed a bit. “Thanks, Gerard. I care about you guys too.”
“No Clayah… you don’t understand.”
She gave me that face again. “Understand what?”
“Mikey and I care about you really… deeply…” Oh my God, I was close to a heart attack. I was gonna say it, right here, right now. No matter what. “You can’t even imagine.”
“Gerard, you’re kind of confusing me right now.”
I closed my eyes and sighed. I was so lame that I wouldn’t even be able to look at her without changing my mind about going through with it. “We care so much… because…”
Just then, next to me, Mikey rolled over in his sleep.
And I couldn’t do it.
Remember that “no matter what”? I took it back. I wasn’t supposed to be the only one to tell Clayah. Mikey would be upset if I did it alone. Plus I knew I would need him there or I would collapse. It was for both of us to say. Not just me.
I’ve never felt so guilty in my life.
“Beacause…?”
Oh, right. Clayah was in front of me with no explanation. Fuck.
Think fast!
“We just remember how tough we had it at your age,” I fibbed. “Plus, me having a daughter and Mikey having a niece, we just kind of have this protective thing going now, you know? And some bad shit has happened to Mollers over the time we’ve known her, so that makes it twice as bad. Don’t get me wrong, we care about the rest of Rush And Ruin too, absolutely! But you’re the youngest and, well, we just can’t help it.” I smiled to try and make myself sound legit.
Relief flooded in me when Clayah smiled back. “I understand. Really. And as frustrated as I may get with you guys—sorry about that—I know it’s because you care.”
“We’re sorry when we overreact so much,” I said. “It’s that’s nature thing with us now. And after I heard about what Ryan did? Jesus, fucking escalated like you can’t even imagine.” I shook my head at the thought.
“I’m sorry it worried you,” Clayah frowned.
“Oh shit, don’t be! Hard as it may be, Clayah, you still really need to talk about that now and again. It fades when you do, seriously. That story just angered me so much… someone like you shouldn’t have to go through that. Hence why I pretty much kicked that kid’s ass.”
She smiled again. “Thank you.” She leaned over and hugged me. I felt a mix between the pain of lying (further), the joy of Clayah forgiving us, and the immense love I had for my little sister.
Clayah retreated again. Then she laughed. “You know,” she said, “This might sound a little weird… but you and Mikey are like the big brothers I always wanted.”
Shoot me.