Status: Completed
Someone out There Loves You
She
“Oh, c’mon Mikey, lighten up. And Jesus Christ, stop twitching.”
Despite my words, Mikey fidgeted in his seat again. “Don’t tell me you don’t feel the slightest bit awkward meeting up with Claire after all these years,” he said.
I held up my coffee cup. “I drown worry with God’s magic nectar.”
Mikey and I had come to Chicago for some quality bro time. What with family life and band life for each of us, it was more about trying to play uncle or hubby or daddy or honestly-I-know-what-the-fuck-I’m-doing-you-rookie-tech-kid when we were together. The entire Way Clan agreed it was time for Mikey and me to take a little vacation.
Cali was home, Jersey was home, New York was too damn crowded. So we voted Chicago. People, but not too many. Music, good food, good sight seeing. What are the cons? (Besides parking.)
And…the Shiers.
This moment itself was a tad ironic: Brothers come to a Starbucks (our favorite place) in Chicago (our vacation place) and feel like nervous wrecks.
Someone please stain this scene with sense.
“You know Gerard,” Mikey said, “Coffee can’t solve all your problems.”
“I am aware of this.” I reached into my pocket and shook a pack of Marlboro Reds under his nose. “That’s why cigarettes were invented.”
He pushed the pack away. “Why did you suggest Chicago even though the Shiers are here?”
“Why did you agree?” I retorted.
“Touche. But still, are you trying to bait the shark?”
I bit my lower lip. Maybe I was, just a little bit. This had been a ghost looming over us since I started college. And we had never faced it. I’ll admit, a large part of it was curiosity. But at the same time I was terrified of being here. Which led to that little bit of exhilaration. Long story short: my brain was making no fucking sense.
I took a huge slug of coffee. “Don’t you miss the days when we were little? When Claire and Todd were still Aunt Claire and Uncle Todd, the happy newlyweds?”
“Of course I miss those days, Gerard,” Mikey said sympathetically. He looked at the travel lid on his cup. “But we can’t dwell on that past anymore--”
“She’s not part of the past, though! It’s not like she died or anything!”
“But we don’t even know her.”
“Exactly!” I thumped my elbow onto the table and pointed at him. My blood pressure was rising and my face was getting tense, but I wasn’t totally sure why. “Doesn’t it bother you that there’s some girl out there living a life that she doesn’t know is a lie?”
Mikey opened his mouth, either thinking up a response or waiting for one to appear on his tongue, but he never did get to speak.
Our conversation was cut off when Mikey looked over my shoulder. I turned to see, and en route to our table was Claire. It was ten after six now, and we told her six thirty. Fate seemed to be pushing the buttons.
“Well hi, boys, you‘re early!” she said. I smiled. Claire was the only person besides our mother who still called us “boys.”
“We’re not the only ones,” I grinned back.
“Holy shit,” she gasped. “It’s been years…look at you two!” She turned her attention to Mikey. “Your hair’s darker! And your glasses are gone! Fuck me…and Gerard! Just… wow. You both look so healthy--although you really should stop smoking, Gerard, that shit‘s bad for you. Christ, it’s amazing to see how you two have gotten older. But damn it makes me feel ancient.”
Mikey was laughing. “Hi, Claire, you look great,” he said as he hugged her.
“I second that.” I hugged her too.
We all sat down and caught up. Mikey and I talked about our lives, but hurriedly. It was clear I wasn’t the only curious one.
“Well, Clayah just started her freshman year--”
There. She said it. The magic word.
Mikey and I both tensed a bit, but leaned forward at the same time. Afraid yet eager.
Fuck, I make it sound like losing your virginity.
“She’s in a band with her friends, the vocals, but she’s the youngest. She just turned fourteen in May. She does well in school, some trouble with Science. She’s just grown up too fast.”
“I’ll say,” I heard Mikey mumble.
The thing is, we’d only seen Clayah once in our entire lives. The day she was born. The Shiers had sent pictures of her since to our parents, but Mikey and I could never bear to look. It left me awake some nights. Was she tall or short? Did she have brown hair like Mikey? Or black hair like me?
“Clayah’s actually playing with her band tonight.” Oh, Claire was still talking. “It’s kind of strange though, in a funny way; all those kids love you guys. It gives me the chills sometimes to hear Clayah sing along to a My Chemical Romance song…”
Mikey was staring out the window at the darkening Chicago streets. This was a bit much for him. Same for me, actually.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. “Excuse me,” I said, hitting the green button. “Hello?”
“Gerard! It’s Brett. I heard you were in town.”
“Hey man, how’s it going?” Brett was a rep from Reprise Records. Everyone who worked there was awesome, but Brett was one in the handfull of reps that we actually hung with.
“Cool, cool. Hey I was just wondering if you guys had any dinner plans? I’m here at the House of Blues to check out this band, thought you guys might wanna grab a bite? My treat.”
“No, no, we don’t have plans, that sounds great.” Phew. Thank you, Brett, for saving my ass. “We’ll be there in like, ten minutes? We’re right down the street at Starbuck’s actually.”
“Shocking,” Brett laughed. “But yeah, see you soon.”
I hung up. “Sorry Claire, that was a buddy of ours. He asked us to dinner and we haven’t seen him in ages--”
“Gerard, it’s no problem,” Claire smiled. God, I missed having her around. “Todd will probably be home soon anyways. He’ll be glad to know I saw you boys. I know he wanted to be here.”
“Well tell him hi for us,” Mikey smiled. His relief wasn’t very well hidden. But I’m sure mine wasn’t either.
We gave Claire hugs and goodbyes, and walked out to the car. I closed the passenger door while Mikey fiddled with his keys.
“Well.” I cleared my throat. “Sorta glad we faced that demon.”
“Where am I driving?”
Guess which topic wasn’t up for discussion.
I scanned the dark café for Brett’s familiar face, but Mikey spotted him first. We swapped man hugs and hellos and grabbed a table.
“So, what’re you two doin’ down here?” Brett asked.
“Quality brother time,” I laughed, clapping Mikey’s back. I willed him to drop the gloaming face and pucker up.
“We’re headed out day after tomorrow, though,” Mikey said. “Gonna go pay Mom and Dad a visit. And Frank--well, mainly Molly. Frank’s been a tad intense ever since he found out about her boyfriend.” He gave a little grin at the memory.
ThankyouJesus.
“Fun, fun,” Brett nodded. “So hey, I’m glad you guys could make it, you’ve got no idea-- oh, order whatever you want, it’s on me,” he said when the waitress interrupted him. We stuck with burgers, fries and Cokes, and Brett went on. “Anyway, you’ve got no idea how thankful I am. I came to check out this band here tonight. Their name’s been bouncing around a lot lately. I finally found their manager, and he asked me to come check ‘em out. They’re only teenagers, but they’re supposed to be really good.”
“Very cool,” Mikey nodded.
“Mmhm. Oh, speak of the devil. They’re setting up onstage. They took a break about five minutes ago. Their manager was telling me they play a mellow set during dinner and another (not so mellow) later. Sounds like quite a setup for teenagers.”
“No shit,” I mumbled. We were sort of far back in the café, but I could see enough onstage to see that these kids weren’t teenagers like I expected. I was thinking eighteen or nineteen year old college students. These kids looked like they were still in high school.
Their guitarist plugged in. He made some signal to the singer, which went around the band. The guitarist started to pluck out…
“HA! Holy fuck!” I laughed.
“Dude no way!” Mikey clapped his hands.
The singer leaned up to her mic. She looked pretty young, and sort of nervous. At that age to sing in the fucking House of Blues was amazing, but I couldn’t imagine how scared she had to have been.
“Turn away…If you could get me a drink, of water ‘cause my lips are chapped and faded. Call my aunt Marie…Help her gather all my things, and bury me in all my favorite colors…My sisters and my brothers still…”
Her voice wasn’t overkill, but for her age it was good. Especially when she really started to throw herself into it:
“I will not kiss you…’cause the hardest part of this, is leavin’ you…”
“What’s the name of this band?” Mikey asked Brett as our burgers arrived.
“Rufsh Nd Roon.”
“Let’s try getting that name with less french fry,” I smiled..
He grinned and swallowed. “Sorry. I said Rush and Ruin.”
Rush and Ruin…where did I know that name?
I flashed back to waking up on the tour bus in the middle of the night a few months beforehand. I had fallen asleep four hours earlier, completely burnt, but I woke up feeling totally awake. And with a painful craving for the java chip ice cream that was still in the freezer.
I quietly rolled out of my bunk (the bottom sucks, ask anyone--and that is also what she said) and stood, tiptoeing to the door and sliding it open, then shut behind me.
“Hey Gerard.”
“NEYAH.” I just about jumped out of my skin. “What the hell, Mollers, it’s-- what time is it?”
“It’s exactly… 3:27 in the morning,” she read from her laptop screen.
Molly had been a fantastic little addition to us a few months beforehand, when our dear Frank found out he had a daughter. (SURPRISE!)
“And why are you still awake?” I wasn’t being a hard ass. I just wanted to get my ice cream, but I guess a little disciplining just kind of seemed necessary at the moment.
“Music surfing,” she said with a shrug.
I dug my spoon into the small carton and looked at her. She stared at her screen and didn’t look back.
“You’re talking to Jack, aren’t you.” It wasn’t a question. Molly could never lie to me, I was just that good.
“Both,” she confessed.
I just resumed my java chip consumption. Then I heard a track Molly was playing quietly through her speakers.
“Hey… turn that up,” I asked. She did. “Whoa… is that a…?”
“It’s an Iron Maiden cover, if you’re trying to say that,” Molly teased. “I looked up the original. This one’s a lot different but it still works somehow. But hey, you’re the Iron Maiden fan.”
“No, no,” I said, still listening closely. “It’s good. It’s interesting to hear a girl sing it.”
“These guys are really good. They’re that kind of band you fall in love with instantly, you know? My friend sent me one of their songs. Some underground Chicago band, called Rush and Ruin.”
I raised my eyebrows. Nice name. “Can you play me another track of theirs?”
After some scrolling and clicking, a soft bass riff came on. It grew and grew, ‘till a guitar sang in, and a bass drum followed. Then followed melodic, yet fierce, singing.
Breaths
So unsure, so insecure,
Taken like those first steps
And crashing to burn.
Looking out
Seeing the faces start to clear
The ghosts of the lost and found
Yet an itch in my soul says I’m not from here…
Up on stage, the girl was singing that same soft song. There was something hypnotic about the whole thing. Part of me wanted to stare off into space, part of me wanted to cry.
And whatever was left, for no apparent reason at that moment, had a premonition that I wanted to get up and run.
I really, really had to know this girl's name. Not in a creepy way. But something about her seemed so familiar. Her dark black hair, eyes that looked caramel brown from this distance, pale skin. It was a little like... a mirror.
Despite my words, Mikey fidgeted in his seat again. “Don’t tell me you don’t feel the slightest bit awkward meeting up with Claire after all these years,” he said.
I held up my coffee cup. “I drown worry with God’s magic nectar.”
Mikey and I had come to Chicago for some quality bro time. What with family life and band life for each of us, it was more about trying to play uncle or hubby or daddy or honestly-I-know-what-the-fuck-I’m-doing-you-rookie-tech-kid when we were together. The entire Way Clan agreed it was time for Mikey and me to take a little vacation.
Cali was home, Jersey was home, New York was too damn crowded. So we voted Chicago. People, but not too many. Music, good food, good sight seeing. What are the cons? (Besides parking.)
And…the Shiers.
This moment itself was a tad ironic: Brothers come to a Starbucks (our favorite place) in Chicago (our vacation place) and feel like nervous wrecks.
Someone please stain this scene with sense.
“You know Gerard,” Mikey said, “Coffee can’t solve all your problems.”
“I am aware of this.” I reached into my pocket and shook a pack of Marlboro Reds under his nose. “That’s why cigarettes were invented.”
He pushed the pack away. “Why did you suggest Chicago even though the Shiers are here?”
“Why did you agree?” I retorted.
“Touche. But still, are you trying to bait the shark?”
I bit my lower lip. Maybe I was, just a little bit. This had been a ghost looming over us since I started college. And we had never faced it. I’ll admit, a large part of it was curiosity. But at the same time I was terrified of being here. Which led to that little bit of exhilaration. Long story short: my brain was making no fucking sense.
I took a huge slug of coffee. “Don’t you miss the days when we were little? When Claire and Todd were still Aunt Claire and Uncle Todd, the happy newlyweds?”
“Of course I miss those days, Gerard,” Mikey said sympathetically. He looked at the travel lid on his cup. “But we can’t dwell on that past anymore--”
“She’s not part of the past, though! It’s not like she died or anything!”
“But we don’t even know her.”
“Exactly!” I thumped my elbow onto the table and pointed at him. My blood pressure was rising and my face was getting tense, but I wasn’t totally sure why. “Doesn’t it bother you that there’s some girl out there living a life that she doesn’t know is a lie?”
Mikey opened his mouth, either thinking up a response or waiting for one to appear on his tongue, but he never did get to speak.
Our conversation was cut off when Mikey looked over my shoulder. I turned to see, and en route to our table was Claire. It was ten after six now, and we told her six thirty. Fate seemed to be pushing the buttons.
“Well hi, boys, you‘re early!” she said. I smiled. Claire was the only person besides our mother who still called us “boys.”
“We’re not the only ones,” I grinned back.
“Holy shit,” she gasped. “It’s been years…look at you two!” She turned her attention to Mikey. “Your hair’s darker! And your glasses are gone! Fuck me…and Gerard! Just… wow. You both look so healthy--although you really should stop smoking, Gerard, that shit‘s bad for you. Christ, it’s amazing to see how you two have gotten older. But damn it makes me feel ancient.”
Mikey was laughing. “Hi, Claire, you look great,” he said as he hugged her.
“I second that.” I hugged her too.
We all sat down and caught up. Mikey and I talked about our lives, but hurriedly. It was clear I wasn’t the only curious one.
“Well, Clayah just started her freshman year--”
There. She said it. The magic word.
Mikey and I both tensed a bit, but leaned forward at the same time. Afraid yet eager.
Fuck, I make it sound like losing your virginity.
“She’s in a band with her friends, the vocals, but she’s the youngest. She just turned fourteen in May. She does well in school, some trouble with Science. She’s just grown up too fast.”
“I’ll say,” I heard Mikey mumble.
The thing is, we’d only seen Clayah once in our entire lives. The day she was born. The Shiers had sent pictures of her since to our parents, but Mikey and I could never bear to look. It left me awake some nights. Was she tall or short? Did she have brown hair like Mikey? Or black hair like me?
“Clayah’s actually playing with her band tonight.” Oh, Claire was still talking. “It’s kind of strange though, in a funny way; all those kids love you guys. It gives me the chills sometimes to hear Clayah sing along to a My Chemical Romance song…”
Mikey was staring out the window at the darkening Chicago streets. This was a bit much for him. Same for me, actually.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. “Excuse me,” I said, hitting the green button. “Hello?”
“Gerard! It’s Brett. I heard you were in town.”
“Hey man, how’s it going?” Brett was a rep from Reprise Records. Everyone who worked there was awesome, but Brett was one in the handfull of reps that we actually hung with.
“Cool, cool. Hey I was just wondering if you guys had any dinner plans? I’m here at the House of Blues to check out this band, thought you guys might wanna grab a bite? My treat.”
“No, no, we don’t have plans, that sounds great.” Phew. Thank you, Brett, for saving my ass. “We’ll be there in like, ten minutes? We’re right down the street at Starbuck’s actually.”
“Shocking,” Brett laughed. “But yeah, see you soon.”
I hung up. “Sorry Claire, that was a buddy of ours. He asked us to dinner and we haven’t seen him in ages--”
“Gerard, it’s no problem,” Claire smiled. God, I missed having her around. “Todd will probably be home soon anyways. He’ll be glad to know I saw you boys. I know he wanted to be here.”
“Well tell him hi for us,” Mikey smiled. His relief wasn’t very well hidden. But I’m sure mine wasn’t either.
We gave Claire hugs and goodbyes, and walked out to the car. I closed the passenger door while Mikey fiddled with his keys.
“Well.” I cleared my throat. “Sorta glad we faced that demon.”
“Where am I driving?”
Guess which topic wasn’t up for discussion.
I scanned the dark café for Brett’s familiar face, but Mikey spotted him first. We swapped man hugs and hellos and grabbed a table.
“So, what’re you two doin’ down here?” Brett asked.
“Quality brother time,” I laughed, clapping Mikey’s back. I willed him to drop the gloaming face and pucker up.
“We’re headed out day after tomorrow, though,” Mikey said. “Gonna go pay Mom and Dad a visit. And Frank--well, mainly Molly. Frank’s been a tad intense ever since he found out about her boyfriend.” He gave a little grin at the memory.
ThankyouJesus.
“Fun, fun,” Brett nodded. “So hey, I’m glad you guys could make it, you’ve got no idea-- oh, order whatever you want, it’s on me,” he said when the waitress interrupted him. We stuck with burgers, fries and Cokes, and Brett went on. “Anyway, you’ve got no idea how thankful I am. I came to check out this band here tonight. Their name’s been bouncing around a lot lately. I finally found their manager, and he asked me to come check ‘em out. They’re only teenagers, but they’re supposed to be really good.”
“Very cool,” Mikey nodded.
“Mmhm. Oh, speak of the devil. They’re setting up onstage. They took a break about five minutes ago. Their manager was telling me they play a mellow set during dinner and another (not so mellow) later. Sounds like quite a setup for teenagers.”
“No shit,” I mumbled. We were sort of far back in the café, but I could see enough onstage to see that these kids weren’t teenagers like I expected. I was thinking eighteen or nineteen year old college students. These kids looked like they were still in high school.
Their guitarist plugged in. He made some signal to the singer, which went around the band. The guitarist started to pluck out…
“HA! Holy fuck!” I laughed.
“Dude no way!” Mikey clapped his hands.
The singer leaned up to her mic. She looked pretty young, and sort of nervous. At that age to sing in the fucking House of Blues was amazing, but I couldn’t imagine how scared she had to have been.
“Turn away…If you could get me a drink, of water ‘cause my lips are chapped and faded. Call my aunt Marie…Help her gather all my things, and bury me in all my favorite colors…My sisters and my brothers still…”
Her voice wasn’t overkill, but for her age it was good. Especially when she really started to throw herself into it:
“I will not kiss you…’cause the hardest part of this, is leavin’ you…”
“What’s the name of this band?” Mikey asked Brett as our burgers arrived.
“Rufsh Nd Roon.”
“Let’s try getting that name with less french fry,” I smiled..
He grinned and swallowed. “Sorry. I said Rush and Ruin.”
Rush and Ruin…where did I know that name?
I flashed back to waking up on the tour bus in the middle of the night a few months beforehand. I had fallen asleep four hours earlier, completely burnt, but I woke up feeling totally awake. And with a painful craving for the java chip ice cream that was still in the freezer.
I quietly rolled out of my bunk (the bottom sucks, ask anyone--and that is also what she said) and stood, tiptoeing to the door and sliding it open, then shut behind me.
“Hey Gerard.”
“NEYAH.” I just about jumped out of my skin. “What the hell, Mollers, it’s-- what time is it?”
“It’s exactly… 3:27 in the morning,” she read from her laptop screen.
Molly had been a fantastic little addition to us a few months beforehand, when our dear Frank found out he had a daughter. (SURPRISE!)
“And why are you still awake?” I wasn’t being a hard ass. I just wanted to get my ice cream, but I guess a little disciplining just kind of seemed necessary at the moment.
“Music surfing,” she said with a shrug.
I dug my spoon into the small carton and looked at her. She stared at her screen and didn’t look back.
“You’re talking to Jack, aren’t you.” It wasn’t a question. Molly could never lie to me, I was just that good.
“Both,” she confessed.
I just resumed my java chip consumption. Then I heard a track Molly was playing quietly through her speakers.
“Hey… turn that up,” I asked. She did. “Whoa… is that a…?”
“It’s an Iron Maiden cover, if you’re trying to say that,” Molly teased. “I looked up the original. This one’s a lot different but it still works somehow. But hey, you’re the Iron Maiden fan.”
“No, no,” I said, still listening closely. “It’s good. It’s interesting to hear a girl sing it.”
“These guys are really good. They’re that kind of band you fall in love with instantly, you know? My friend sent me one of their songs. Some underground Chicago band, called Rush and Ruin.”
I raised my eyebrows. Nice name. “Can you play me another track of theirs?”
After some scrolling and clicking, a soft bass riff came on. It grew and grew, ‘till a guitar sang in, and a bass drum followed. Then followed melodic, yet fierce, singing.
Breaths
So unsure, so insecure,
Taken like those first steps
And crashing to burn.
Looking out
Seeing the faces start to clear
The ghosts of the lost and found
Yet an itch in my soul says I’m not from here…
Up on stage, the girl was singing that same soft song. There was something hypnotic about the whole thing. Part of me wanted to stare off into space, part of me wanted to cry.
And whatever was left, for no apparent reason at that moment, had a premonition that I wanted to get up and run.
I really, really had to know this girl's name. Not in a creepy way. But something about her seemed so familiar. Her dark black hair, eyes that looked caramel brown from this distance, pale skin. It was a little like... a mirror.