Someone out There Loves You

“This is bad.”
“Keen observation there, Gerard.”
I paced back and forth across the living room, trying to think straight. Mikey and Lyn-Z sat on the couch, just kind of watching me. Mikey looked a million miles away, totally trying to separate himself from the situation; Lyn-Z just kind of looked back and forth between the two of us, worry lines on her forehead.
“Hun, you can just say no to the tour,” she pointed out.
“True,” Mikey replied, “but we wouldn’t exactly have a good reason to call it off. Plus Molly sounded pretty excited on the phone.. She likes this band, and other than Jack she doesn’t really care for that school.”
“Bro, with all due respect,” I said, “This is about Clayah, not Molly.”
“I still can’t believe I never knew about this…” Lyn-Z said. “I mean I’m not like, super PO-ed or anything I’m just kinda… stunned. I mean, I have a sister in law, Bandit’s got an aunt. But this tour thing… you guys should really just tell her.”
“She’d hate us right off the bat,” I sighed. “Not exactly a good way to start a relationship with long lost family.”
“She’ll hate you more if you tell her later, because then she’ll know you’ve been keeping it from her.” I shrugged.
“We have to find some way to say no,” Mikey said firmly. “We just can’t do this!”
“We can’t,” I said gently, “Or you can’t?”
He froze and stared at me. The only other time I’d seen that expression on his face is when we had gotten in the car the night after hiding in the closet at the Shier’s. ”She was right there.”
Mikey let his head fall in his hands, pressing his eyes against his palms. Lyn-Z put a hand on his back to comfort him.
“I knew this would happen,” he whispered. “I just knew it.”
“Now c’mon, it hasn’t happened yet,” I said. “Maybe there’s some way we can put a hold on this.”
“You guys need this tour-- those kids need this tour.” Lyn-Z shook her head. “You know you’re going to have to tell her in the end.”
My phone rang in my pocket. Ray.
“Hey man.”
“Hey G, did Brett get a hold of you?”
“Yeah, he did.”
“…You don’t sound so good,” Ray said. “You okay?”
“Yeah…yeah, we’re alright.”
“We?”
“Mikey’s here too.”
“Oh.”
“Look,” I said, “Do you think there’s any way we can call this tour off?”
“Why the hell would we do that?” Ray said, shocked.
“Just, a lot of reasons.”
“Such as…?”
I exhaled and pinched the top of my nose. “It’s hard to explain.”
“Enlighten me.”
“I can’t.”
“We can’t call this tour off, man,” Ray said. “It’s too late for all of that. Dates are being set, we meet up with everyone in January. There’s just no way.”
I nodded. He was right. We were past the point of no return.
“Look, uhm, I gotta go, okay?” I said. “Shit to plan.”
“You sure everything’s okay?”
“Mmhm, we’re good.”
Ray hesitated. “’Kay. Say hi to everyone.”
I hung up. Lyn-Z and Mikey looked up at me expectantly.
I looked at my feet when I said, “Everything’s bound; we have to do this tour.”

NonononoNO.
I smashed my head in my hands. This was my worst nightmare. It just couldn’t be happening. It was never supposed to! Our lives were working out, happily, perfectly fine, until this. Now it felt like that world was falling down all around us.
“Maybe we don’t have to tell her,” I said.
“You’re kidding,” Lyn-Z said. “Mikey, what if you were Clayah? She’s what, fourteen? And she doesn’t even know who she really is!”
“But what if she hates us?” I was choking up now.
Gerard came over and sat down next to me, throwing an arm over my shoulder. I could see he was tearing up too.
“We can do it,” he said, his voice shaking. “We don’t have to do it immediately. When everything’s… okay, I guess, then we’ll tell her.” He paused and trying to breathe his tears back down. “She’s got to know.”
I put my head between my knees again, giving up and letting myself lose it. I remembered how attached I’d been to Clayah before I even knew her-- and now I didn’t know her at all. Watching her leave the hospital that day, a little bundle in Claire’s arms, off to a happy life in Chicago, it scarred me. What was I supposed to say now? ”Oh, hi Clayah. I’m Mikey Way. And by the way I’m your older brother, long time no see.”
Like I said, I didn’t know her. And as much as I wanted to, I was terrified. What if she hated us and never wanted to see us again? I’d lost my sister once and it stuck with me for my life up to that point. I couldn’t take losing her again.
“It’s alright, Mikey.” Gerard was hugging me, trying to be the strong one. I sat up and looked at him.
“Gerard,” I said, “She’s our little sister.”
I don’t know why but that made him lose it. We sat, two brothers, full grown men, and let it all out. I knew he felt that same kind of guilt that I did; the secrecy, the knowledge that now lying would be put on top of it.
I didn’t even noticed she had gone until Lyn-Z came back with three cups of coffee. We all sat and drank it down. I had calmed by then but Gerard was still freaking out.
He felt worse about it in a way. I may have been there for a lot of the whole… production, you could say, but he hadn’t. So he had nothing to know of Clayah. He didn’t have that closeness I did. And as much as I hurt having it he hurt because he didn’t know it.
I’d wished for this day for years. And now it was here.
We couldn’t admit it but I knew we were both--deep down-- wanting the same thing.
We had to know her.

“So, this is our last gig here for a while, everyone.”
A chorus of “awww”’s and “what?”‘s came from the audience.
“Oh, c’mon now,” Drew said into her mic.
“Guys, guys,” I said, “We will be back in Chicago in a while though!” I let that hang in the air for a minute. “You know we just got signed to Reprise Records a few months ago--”
Cheers cut me off, and took forever to die down. “Okay, okay, thank you, thank you. Guys let me talk--LET ME TALK, SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I laughed. The people quieted.
“So, we have a little surprise for you. Joey, can you let the screen down?”
The projection screen came down right behind Drew’s set.
“Okay, so,” I went on. “This was filmed a little while ago, and is gonna start airing on a lot of major stations soon--”
“Music video?” someone called from the crowd.
“That would be dope, dude,” Monster said, “But no. This is like… dope-r.”
“Fuck yeah!” Mark said.
“Shut up guys, let me play it!” Joey called.
“Alright,” I said. “This is the new TV ad for our upcoming tour!”
The audience went nuts again. “If you guys shut up you can watch it!” Levi yelled. “God, relentless…”
“LEVI I LOVE YOU!” some girl from the crowd called.
“Love you too, whoever you are,” he grinned back.
“WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
I doubled over as Levi blushed.
“Oh he will totally marry you,” I said.
She cheered, and a pair of panties flew through the air and landed onstage.
“Ow OW!” Mark picked them up and sling-shot them at Levi, who caught them. As he inspected them, he got a thoughtful look on his face.
“If you wear panties like this,” he said, holding up the very small piece of black lacey cloth, “Yes, I will marry you.”
A fan girl scream erupted when Levi hung the panties on his mic stand.
“Okay, now that Levi’s about to get hitched,” Drew said, “Can we show the ad?”
“GO, JOEY!” I called.
The lights on the stage went down and the projection started, and all the kids cheered at the sight of each musician:
Billie Joe Armstrong: Here at Reprise Records--
Gerard Way: We’re pretty much family.
Bert McCraken: Within our own bands--
Me: And with each other.
“PAUSE!” I called. Joey paused it.
“Okay, editorial interruption,” I said. “That was a fib. This commercial was filmed all across the country.”
“We haven’t actually met these dudes yet,” Mark added. “Proceed.”
Tre Cool: So we want to celebrate that.
Ray Toro: This year, Reprise Records presents--
Jeph Howard: The Big Happy Family Tour! …Excitement.
Drew: Four bands are going across the world together.
Mike Dirnt: Green Day--
Frank Iero: My Chemical Romance--
Quinn Allman: The Used--
Levi: And the newest addition to Reprise, Rush And Ruin.
Mikey Way: Starting this January--
Dan Whitesides: We’re joining together to cross each continent--
Monster: To show that--
Green Day: From veterans--
Mark: To rookies--
The Used: We’re all one big--
My Chemical Romance: Happy--
Rush And Ruin: Family.
The screen went up again and the place was crazy all over again.
“I know!” Monster hopped up and down on his toes. “We’re so stoked, guys, seriously.”
“Especially Monster,” Mark grinned. “We don’t leave for a week to prep everything and all his shit’s already in suitcases!”
“AAAHHHH!!” I screamed with the audience. “We have to play a wild song right now.” I paused and leaned into the security pit to whisper something to the guys below.
“Okay, I need you all to promise me something,” I said. Hoots replied. “Okay then. I need to guys to cross your little black hearts and swear you won’t eat me if I stage dive.”
Screams met my eardrums and just about shattered them through my moniter.
“FUCK, I will take that as a yes.” I signaled to Drew to count of, and as soon as the guys’ guitars wailed in, I hurled myself off the stage.

I let out a sigh of happiness as I wiped a towel across my face. “Have I ever mentioned how much I fucking adore stage diving?”
“Have we ever mentioned you’re fucking insane?” Levi put me in a headlock and started spinning me around.
“Enough, guys,” Yoda said sternly. “None of you are gonna do this horsing around bullshit and get hurt before we even leave.”
“Hey--HEY! GUYS!”
I closed my eyes. “Oh no…”
Now, I neglected to mention someone who’s pretty close to R&R.
Meet Barnabus. Yes, that is his name-- and he will only be called Barnabus; no nicknames. He calls himself our biggest fan. I call him our stalker.
He ran up to us, grinning from ear to ear. He’d grown about an inch-- now standing at five foot eleven. His height made his creepiness all the more threatening. He wore HUGE, thick rimmed glasses and a faceful of acne. He dressed fine, your usual skinny jeans and tshirt, etc. But they were always wrinkled, stained, and reeking of sweat. The kid had clearly never heard of a washing machine. He’s got a lisp, and some spit issues, which is annoying since he doesn’t really believe in personal space.
And he was only fucking thirteen. At five foot eleven. It was nuts.
“I haven’t seen you guys in forever!” he grinned, spraying.
I wiped saliva from my cheek. “Hi, Barnabus.”
He blushed and stared at me in that creepy way of his. Right, last thing-- Barnabus is not afraid to express that he has a really disturbing crush on me. It’d be flattering if it wasn’t so disturbing.
“Hi, Clayah,” he blushed. “Gosh, I haven’t been able to catch you after shows for months now!”
“Well that’s unfortunate,” Levi said dryly. Drew elbowed him in the ribs. She had always had pity on Barnabus.
“Oh! And I’m gonna be following The Big Happy Family Tour!” he beamed.
My eyes went wide. “Uhh… the entire tour? Around the world?”
“I knew you’d be excited,” Barnabus said. “I saved up enough money for all the plane tickets; I’ll see you guys everywhere, every show!”
“…That’s… great, Barnabus. Really.” I tried to feign some kind of happiness. “Really great.”
Monster grumbled, “Great to tell all the psych ward doctors…”
Barnabus didn’t hear him. “Isn’t that great, Clayah?” He grabbed my hand and I flinched, but he wouldn’t let go. Just stared at me with a love stricken face. Eww, his hand was all clammy…
“I’ll follow you everywhere. And I want to Clayah. Because I’m that devoted to you--”
“OH-kay.” Mark grabbed my shoulders and pulled me away, getting a bewildered reaction from Barnabus. “Always good to see you, B.”
Barnabus narrowed his eyes. “BARNABUS.”
“Right,” Mark said. “Barnabus. We’ll, uh, see you ‘round, then.” The whole band slowly eased toward the stage door. Barnabus started to follow us, but I signaled to one of the security guys to stop him. Barnabus was pulled at the arm by a huge white guy with a nametag reading “Spike.”
“BYE GUYS!” Barnabus yelled, waving enthusiastically at us. “LOVE YOU, CLAY--”
“Let’s go, buddy,” Spike said. And Barnabus was gone.
I shuddered. “That kid freaks me out.”
“What do you mean, Clayah?” Levi said, putting on his “you-totally-love-the-stalker” voice. “Don’t you totally love the stalker.”
“Don’t you totally want to die before you reach the legal drinking age?” I spat.
Drew grabbed Monster’s hand, faking adoration. “I’ll follow you everywhere, Clayah,” she said, using her Barnabus lisp. “Because I’m creepishly in love with you and totally devoted to scaring the living hell out of you.“
Monster fluttered his eyelashes and fanned his face. “Oh, Barnabus,” he giggled in a girly voice. “Teehee! I secretly love you too, because I’m just fucked up like that--”
“I hate you both,” I said. They busted up laughing.
As we were walking out the stage door, Levi pulled the black lacey panties from his pocket.
“Do you guys have any idea what this did for my ego?” he grinned.
“Yeah, dude,” Mark said. “Now it’s gone from the size of a hot air balloon to the size of a rocket to get you back to Mars, your home planet.” Levi flipped him off.
“OH. EMM. GEE!!!”
We turned to see a girl squealing in her group of friends. Clearly fan girls. “It’s my fiancée!” She stared waving madly. “Hi, Levi! HI!”
Levi chuckled nervously. “Haha, hi there.”
She giggled and turned back to her friends. “He just waved at me!” They all started squealing again.
“Oh, this is so fun,” I said. “How’s your ego now?” Levi gave me a death look.
Then the group of girls turned back, staring at Levi like a pack of lions about to go at an antelope.
“Uh oh,” Drew said.
Now, we’d never really been mobbed as a group before. But Levi was sort of the Sex God of the band (i.e., the mango condom), so we were used to him getting charged.
I looked out of the corner of my eye to the van. “Ten o’clock,” I whispered. “About 20 yards away.” Everyone else glimpsed and nodded. Except Levi. He was a little too busy sweating buckets.
He dropped the panties on the ground. “Well, uh, it was nice meeting you girls--”
“CHARGE!” the fiancée fan girl said.
“RUN!” I screamed.
We turned and ran as the girls came toward us. Swear to God, they were all cheetahs in a past life. I wasn’t really a fast runner, but I could be if I really had to.
We got to the van with the fan girls still about 7 yards behind us. Monster fumbled with the keys.
“Dude, hurry the fuck up!” I yelled.
“It’s dark, I can’t see!”
“You are about to go on a strict diet of carrots, bro,” Levi squeaked. “I am fucking terrified here, so you better damn hurry UP.”
Finally the van was unlocked and we piled in, Monster starting the engine before the doors were even fully closed. But as I was hopping in, one of the fan girls grabbed my ankle and tried to pull me back.
“OH MY GOD I GOT CLAYAH!” she called to her friends. I tried to kick her off but it did no good. Drew stuck out her hands and grabbed mine while Monster sped up the van. But this girl was really fast.
“IGOTHERIGOTHERIGOTHER!!” she kept howling.
“Okay, crazy chick?” I yelled. “Let GO of my foot!”
She just kept screaming that she got me. I turned my head and positioned my foot, finally flinging it back behind me and kicking her square in the chest. She flew back, but tugged my shoe off in the process. She was stunned for a minute but started charging again in less then ten seconds.
Drew pulled me into the van, and Mark slammed the door closed.
“FLOOR IT,” I screamed, falling over the seats. Monster sped out of the parking lot.
We were breathing our sighs of relief when Levi looked in the rearview mirror. “Holy hell, they’re still following!” He laughed and turned around.
“Is that your video camera?!” Drew said.
“Hell yeah! This is HILARIOUS.”
“I just lost my shoe!” I looked at my foot, covered only by a sock. It went quiet in the car for a moment. Levi keeping the camera focused on me. Then they all busted out laughing. I’ll admit it was funny but I was pretty pissed.
“Those were limited edition Chucks!!” I said. I leaned forward and pulled the van door open a little bit, getting view of the girls still chasing us.
“BITCH YOU OWE ME FIFTY FUCKING DOLLARS!!” I yelled.
The band kept laughing when I closed the door. “If it were your shoes it wouldn’t be so funny,” I said.
“But it wasn’t one of our shoes,” Drew said, “So this is priceless.”
“If this happens on tour,” Mark said, wiping tears from his eyes, “I will die.”
I hope you die at the hands of fan girls then.” But I couldn’t help but join in on the laughter.

Mikey and I sat around my cell phone, speaker phone on. We had everyone on the phone-- The Used, Green Day, My Chem, and Molly (just to bring it full circle). And we had just told them all.
“Your sister?” Quinn said in awe.
“How did we never know about this?” Billie said.
“Fuck, I don’t know,” I said. “We just never thought anyone would need to know.”
“Well, what are you going to do?” Bert asked.
“We’re not sure,” Mikey said. “We’ll have to tell her at some point.”
“Pff, no shit,” Molly said. “That’s just not something you keep secret, guys.”
“But can you guys keep it a secret for a little while?” I asked. “Just until we can get, like, acquainted with her? We just don’t want to drop the news when we hardly know her, you know?”
“He’s got a point,” Dan said.
“Mmhm,” Frank agreed.
“So you guys will keep it quiet for a while?” Mikey asked.
Everyone paused for a minute, considering.
“Please,” I begged. “We just don’t want to get off on the wrong foot.”
“Per say,” Mikey added.
“Okay.” Molly answered for everyone. “We won’t tell her.”
Everyone agreed and we all hung up. Mikey and I leaned back into the couch again.
I breathed a sigh of relief. “I always liked Mollers.”