A Particular Needle

"What?" Jenna choked out.

I've never been too shocked to cry until now. Clarity just didn't seem like the kind of girl who would ever be in this situation. She was the one who would send you flowers and plan a welcome home party when you got out of the hospital, not the one in it.

The Clarity who I've known forever was now in a life threatening situation. It just never felt like it could ever happen to one of us. I would have suspected it would happen to me if anyone. I was the vulnerable one.

But it didn't happen to me, even though I wish it had instead of Clarity. Nothing was going to change that though. No matter how much I silently begged and pleaded, it was still Clarity in that hospital bed. It was still me standing beside it.

We all had a moment. Jenna didn't shed a tear. She hugged Taylor while she bawled though. Spencer had comforted me just like he had in the car. I wasn't crying as much, only a few tears, because I somehow had prepared myself for this. When Spencer mentioned the wounds, I knew.

The doctor had lead us to Clarity's room. She was hooked up to an IV and all these other chords, including the one that helps you breathe. There was a monitor beside her, constantly making little beeping noises. How could she not be okay with all this medical equipment? They must be doing something. Were they just waiting for everything inside of her to shut down? Was she not worth the trouble? They need to be doing more for her. There has to be something more they can do, they can't just try and then wait for her to die. There has to be more.

Have you ever looked at someone in pain and knew you couldn't help them? All you can do is sit with them and make them feel a little bit better about what's going to happen. You have to stand there and watch them waste away, because there's nothing you can do at all. I hate feeling this helpless.

Taylor and Jenna were on the left side of her while Spencer and I were on the right. We all are going to sit here in silence and pretend this might not be the last time we see her. We pretend she's going to come out of this hospital for sure. We pretend this isn't all my fault.

I grabbed Spencer's hand. I squeeze it tightly. I'm not sure if I'm hurting him, but I'm mentally hurting myself and I need some support. Clarity's eyes are closed and there isn't anything in the world I want more right now than for her to open them. I want her to sit up in this bed and smile at us. I want her to laugh and tell us what happened in the comical way she tells every story. Most of all, I want to go back to before we ever got on that stupid plane.

"Let me know if she wakes up, okay?" the doctor said before leaving us alone.

We all just kind of stared at her. I don't think there was any right thing to say. Everything just seemed wrong. I looked around the room to notice a bouquet of flowers. They were huge and there was a whole bunch of different types. I let go of Spencer's hand to see who they were from. I smiled to myself when I read the card. Each of the Agents from the BAU signed it and wrote a cute little message for her.

"Who picked these?" I asked Spencer, my back still faced to everyone.

"Morgan," he replied.

"They're beautiful," I said as I sat back down in my chair. I smiled knowing Morgan picked them out and Clarity would just be ecstatic if she knew.

This was basically how it was for an hour or so. Maybe a little bit longer than an hour. Us four sitting bedside to Clarity. She didn't wake up during this time. I was too terrified to leave. I didn't want to go back to the hotel before she woke up just in case this is as bad as it could be. The doctor didn't look hopeful. I hate that. I hate how he couldn't have at least pretended she was going to be completely fine.

Jenna and Taylor left by this time. It was getting late out and I could see them almost falling asleep. I wasn't ready to leave just yet, though. Spencer stayed with me and Clarity for half an hour longer. I just sat there and held her hand. I wanted her to wake up so badly so I could apologize.

"Venus, you need to get some rest," Spencer told me. "Let's go back to the hotel, okay?"

He was talking to me like an FBI Agent would, as if I had a gun to a hostage's head. I left with him anyway. It took me ten minutes to get out the door alone. I didn't speak for the entire car ride.

Once we were at the hotel, we went up to our floor but waited outside both of our separate rooms. Spencer gestured towards his.

"Are you going to stay there tonight?" Spencer asked. "You're free to stay here, but I just thought--" he quickly tried to throw words together and I could see him slowly slipping back into the nervous state he usually fell into.

"Would it be okay if I stayed with you again?"

Spencer tried to hide a smile as he held open the door for me. I tried to hold back a laugh. He pieced together that there would be a girl who possibly likes him staying in his bed with him. I didn't think much of it, because I was using him mostly for security. I wasn't rushing anything here, so my intentions were purely for comfort. Anyways, there's still Blake. Even though Spencer doesn't know that, he's still there. It doesn't disappear now that I'm in Mexico, although that would be lovely.

His bed felt much more comfy than mine, even though they were the same. Maybe his steady breathing brought mine in to place. Or it was the way I could feel him there just from the mattress. Morgan wasn't in his bed, which made sense since it was their last night in Cancun and he seemed like a smooth player. Why was Spencer spending his last night in tropical paradise with me?

I was desperately waiting for the moment he'd put his arm around my waist. He didn't seem like the kind of guy that would try that though. I wasn't used to having to make all the moves, since Blake always did. Blake was all about the show. He would constantly have his arm around me like I was some kind of trophy he got to show off. He wasn't afraid to state what he wanted either. It bothered me.

I slid backwards in the bed until I was touching him. I could hear a slight change in his breathing pattern, like a glitch.

"You okay?" I asked.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

I smiled to myself. I have a terrible need for affection and a terrible need to give it.

*****

The next morning I woke up to yet another text from Blake. I quietly opened my phone to check it. He wanted me to call him ASAP. I guess he heard about Clarity or something.

"Good morning."

I rolled over on my back to see Spencer at the end of the bed, smiling at me, fully dressed. I thought he was still sleeping. Morgan was gone too, but the mess of his bed showed he had been here. What time was it anyway?

"Hey," I said as I sat up. "What time is it?"

"It's quarter to ten." That was still kind of early, especially for spring breakers. "We have to check out in an hour or so, and the jet is leaving at noon."

I tried to hide my frown, but I was sad. Spencer had to leave. I just clipped that part out of my mind. I wouldn't see him again, would I? I asked for his number, because I really did like him. I still hadn't told him about Blake and I was going to keep it that way for as long as I could. If I got back to Virginia and broke up with Blake before I talked to Spencer again, there wouldn't be anything to hide. That was my plan. It was a terrible one, but it would work. Wouldn't it?

And then I remember the possible consequences of breaking up with Blake. How did he still manage to send fear into my heart when he was so far away?

"Where are you from, anyway?" Spencer asked, out of curiosity. I watched him adjust his tie in the mirror.

"Quantico, Virginia. I wouldn't blame you if you haven't heard about it. There's practically no people actually living there, it's more for government bases and whatever."

"Like maybe an FBI Academy?" he had a playful smirk on his face as he leaned against the wall.

Absolute perfection.