A Particular Needle

The airport wait was killing me. Jenna and Taylor didn't talk and although I tried to break the ice a few times, they wouldn't start. I left them to look in duty free stores. I couldn't focus on shopping though. I was trying to get it to sink in that Clarity wasn't going to be sitting beside Jenna and Taylor when I went back. Clarity was really gone.

It'll be easier to get over once I've accepted it, but it made it hard to accept when it all felt like a nightmare. I would wake up any second and this would all be over. We'd all be running down to the beach--

But Spencer. If this was all just a fragment of my imagination, than what about Spencer? He'd be fake and I don't think I wanted that to be true.

So maybe this isn't a nightmare, because it's feeling really real. Maybe I'm just insane, talking to myself in my head. That's probably it.

"I bought some magazines," I told Taylor and Jenna as I remember the magazines I had bought duty free earlier.

I pulled the gossip magazines out of my carry on bag and held them out. Jenna didn't even turn away from the window she was blankly staring out of. Taylor looked up from her cell phone, which she's been texting non-stop on, and took a magazine from my selection.

"Thanks V," Taylor said as she flipped it open.

V [vee]
- noun
1. Nickname Taylor, Jenna and Clarity gave me in grade three when they became tired of using Venus. Hasn't been used since we graduated. Taylor suddenly brought it back.

I haven't been referred to as V for so long and hearing Taylor say it brought back lots of memories. I missed being called V and I honestly hope Taylor keeps it up. I think it'll bring us closer again, because that's really all we need right now.

The plane began boarding. We had to get last minute tickets and that meant we were all spread out over the plane. I ended up in the middle of an old lady and young guy. The old lady was wrapped up in a knitted blanket and looked like she'd be sleeping for the entire ride. The guy couldn't have been older than eighteen. He was listening to his iPod super loud, but I didn't say anything. He had multi-coloured hair and piercings all over. His spacers were at least at 0.

I sat uncomfortably between the two. Eating was uncomfortable. Sleeping was uncomfortable. Watching the movie was uncomfortable. Not to mention I didn't know which arm rests I could use.

I thought the old lady had a good idea, so I tried to sleep the entire trip. It was hard to sleep, because Clarity would haunt me unintentionally every time I closed my eyes. She said it wasn't my fault and that she didn't blame me, but I just couldn't get the image of her being pulled away out of my head.

It was burnt into my memory.

*****

I threw my bags onto my bedroom floor and wasted no time jumping onto my bed. My parents had picked me up from the airport. The whole ride home was just them talking to each other about how terrible the thing that happened to Clarity was.

It felt like I would never be able to escape this. I just want one moment where I'm not thinking about what happened to her, but it seems like I always am and always will be.

My mother knocked on my door before I even had a minute to relax.

"I thought I should tell you Blake called. He wanted to know what time you were getting home. You should call him back, he really wants to see you," she said sweetly. That was the only way my mother talked.

I glanced over at her in the doorway. She was holding her hands in front of her, smiling like a psycho, and waiting patiently for my response. I didn't have one.

I didn't want to see Blake. I definitely did not want to talk to him. I rather fork my eyes out than have to spend another second with him, now that I've met Spencer.

I wanted to call Spencer right now, but I promised myself I wouldn't until I've told Blake the truth. Maybe I'd twist it and turn it a bit, but only for my own safety. Not that he didn't deserve the truth...well actually, he doesn't.

I lifted myself up from my bed, which took a lot less willpower than I was expecting, and hurried down the stairs into the kitchen. I called Blake on the home phone, because I decided I needed a break from my cell phone. All I was getting were texts and calls from people trying to comfort me about what happened. It was really thoughtful, but all it did was remind me.

Blake said he'd pick me up around seven and we'd go out to a restaurant. I had to dress up, which I wasn't in the mood for, but it wasn't like I could say no. I sucked it up and put on my short red dress and black strappy heels. They were uncomfortable, but they looked very cute which Blake would love.

The car ride was silent, just as I was expecting. Blake didn't even turn on the radio. When we got to the restaurant, we hurried inside. There was a huge distance between us, literally. I pulled out my own chair and sat myself down. Blake seemed distracted. When the waiter came by, he ordered for me just like he always does. I didn't even bother opening the menu this time around.

"You okay?" he asked, but it wasn't in the slightest way sincere.

"I don't feel like being here," I admitted.

"This place is expensive, you know. You should be happy I even took you here," he told me. "We're here because I want you to take your mind off what happened, so relax."

I rolled my eyes and looked away. My eyes landed on a table of people. They were all laughing and having a good time, almost like they were celebrating something. One of them looked remotely familiar. I squinted and looked closely. I recognized him as Rossi, the detective from Cancun who scared the daylights out of me. Then all of the faces came to life.

There was Hotch, JJ, Prentiss, Morgan, and Spencer. There was a girl a hadn't seen before, though. She was very blond with glasses and she was wearing a unique outfit. I liked it in a strange way.

I tried desperately to get Spencer's attention. He seemed to look at me, but looked away quickly. Maybe he didn't want to talk to me after what I had said to him. I did tell him I didn't think it would work and then--Oh Blake!

I was sitting at a table with Blake, trying to make eye contact with Spencer.

I excused myself from the table to head to the washroom. On my way there, I kicked Spencer's chair just hard enough so he'd feel it, but not so hard it would make a noise everyone would hear. I didn't look back until I was in the area for the washrooms. It was hidden by half a wall, so we could talk there. I watched as he excused himself as well and walked over to meet me.

I hugged him before I said anything.

"Hey Venus," he said, unemotionally.

It felt like he was mad at me, but he just couldn't act mean towards me. I guess that was the way he was.

"I missed you a lot."

"I missed you too," he told me, but he looked straight at the ground.

I lifted his head up so he could face me. We looked at each other for a few seconds. There wasn't anything else I could tell him right here. I wanted to say I really liked him and then we could just leave the restaurant and maybe go for a walk in the park. I couldn't do that now, though. I hated how I couldn't just get up and leave things. That would make being with Blake so much easier.

"Who's that guy you're here with?"

I shrugged. "He's not really important." I couldn't look at him as I spoke. I just looked beyond him.

"He's your boyfriend, isn't he?"

"How can you tell?"

"From the way he ordered for you and you didn't get up and walk away, I'm guessing he either has control over you or he knows what you want from frequent time spent together. Either way, you'd have to have some kind of relationship with him."

"What makes you think I would walk away?" A smile tugged at my lips. He was very accurate.

"The way you talk to people tells a lot about your personality, I can tell you'd have no problem leaving if it was a date just from the way you look at people."

"What can you tell from the way I look at you?" I was smiling at him, because I couldn't stop it. He wasn't smiling though. He looked like he felt sorry for me, not saying he was, but that's the face he had.

"Can you excuse me?" I noticed how he asked me if it was okay, and how Blake never asked me anything because he didn't care what I thought. "I should be getting back to my table."

He turned to walk away, but I grabbed him just before he could be seen.

"Spence, please."

He didn't say anything promising, but he did turn around and offer to listen. I picked off my nail polish on one hand with the other, I looked down and watched as I did it. Mostly to avoid eye contact with Spencer, because I was afraid of him right now. Not the fear I had from Blake, it was more like I was nervous. I was scared of everything I said.

"His name is Blake, and he means nothing," I mumbled. I finally looked away from my nails. "Can I call you sometime? Only if you think that'd be okay. You can say no, I just--"

I noticed him smile and it made me forget what I was saying. I was doing the thing he used to do around me. He seemed to realize it too.

"I think that would be alright," he replied. "I'll see you later, Venus."

I watched him walk back to his table, then I waited a few seconds before I headed back to mine. We looked at each other as I passed.

"Isn't that the girl from Mexico?" I overheard Morgan ask.

I walked faster and giggled. I tried to hide it by the time I got to the table, but Blake seemed to notice.

"What's so funny?" he snapped.

I shook my head. "Nothing really, I was just thinking about how great this place is and how amazing you are to take me here. It made me smile," I lied.

It flew out easily and I even smiled while I said it. I watched Blake's expression change from anger to shock and then lastly he smiled.

"I knew you'd love it, I'm always right!"

He held my hand across the table. I went with it, because I didn't even care. I was going to wait for the perfect moment to end this and then I could get to know Spencer more, now that I know for sure he doesn't hate me.

Now the only hard part is ending things with Blake. I'm not sure I know how to do that just yet. I wasn't sure of the consequences either.