Rage and Love

"Why didn't you keep it ? Why didn't you stop?"

I saw the disappointment in his eyes, and it only made me angry. I pulled my wrist out of his grip and quickly pulled my sleeve down again.

Who is he to speak anyway? How many times haven't I been let down? And now he's disappointed in me because of one fucking broken promise?
"Fuck, Ray. How can you react like that? I made a promise that was really fucking hard to keep, we both know that! But I tried. I fucking tried my hardest! I just can't believe you !" I yelled.

"You promised me to quit smoking. You never even tried! You promised me to drink less. Now there's even more fucking alcohol in this house!" I ran to his bar, grabbed the bottles with alcoholic drinks, some still full, others almost empty, and tried to throw my anger and disappointment through the bottles on the floor, to leave it between the mess of little pieces of glass.

It didn't work, so my rant continued. "You promised to spend more time with me. I'm not a fucking synonym for your band. You promised to help me with the household once in a while. You never did, because you're never fucking home!" I gasped for breath.

"Promises were only words, Ray. Promises were only lies. I know yours were."

I saw him trying to say something, maybe he even really did speak, but I didn't hear him. I didn't want to fucking hear another promise, another lie.

By now, all his drinks were on the floor, changed into a mess.

But even then, my anger hadn't cooled down just yet. This was something that had been building up since a long time. I needed something else to throw with. I went into the living room and noticed Ray following me. That was only a sign for me to continue my rant.

"Promises were only fucking words. And I believed you. I believed every single word, lie, you said. You know that one line in this song? 'The best part of believe is the lie'. It's damn true. You betrayed me, Ray! You betrayed me more that I would ever let anymore. And you know what the worst part is? I still fucking love you! You still have all of me. I can't believe you reacted like that!"

Reminding myself of just how much I loved this man in front of me, my anger started to become sadness. Weakness.

Tears welled up in my eyes. Ray noticed and took a step towards me. I flinched, but I didn't move, nor stop him. I just wanted him to hold me, to make me feel safe. He carefully took another step, so that now, he was right in front of me. I took in his scent. It was so natural, so sweet, so … Ray.

God, how could I have ever gotten that mad at him. Still being careful, probably so he wouldn't risk the possibility of getting my hand burned across his face, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest. I leaned into it and let the tears flow. He squeezed me closer and softly kissed the top of my head.

With such simple gesture, he let me know just how much he loved me, too.

Ashamed of ever doubting my hero, I wanted to apologize; but my voice refused to make any other sound than sobbing. As I suddenly felt something wet drip on the top of my head, I looked up, only to face a crying Ray. I really wanted to soothe him, let him know that I would always be here, that I will always want to be by his side. But yet again, that voice of mine wouldn't let anything out. All I could do, was put my hand to his cheek and wipe a tear away with my thumb. Ray looked down at me.

"Honey, I love you, I love you so much. You don't even have a clue. Please know that I don't ever want to lose you. I'm just really scared that one day you won't be here anymore. That thought scares me to death and knowing that you hurt yourself tears me apart. Maybe, one day, you'll go to deep."

Tears were streaming down both our faces now. We were like drama king and queen.

"And I can't live without you. Please don't leave me here alone. If you die, I'll die with you." Those words left me even more speechless. The only thing my body would do was cry and make my lips collide roughly with Ray's.

I let go of him after a while, shaking my head. I took a step back, looked at my fiancé. I tried so hard to make a sound and have Ray understand what I was trying to say.

"I love you too. So much. But," I started with a cracking voice. I swallowed once, trying to strengthen my voice. "But I need you. When you're not here, I feel sick and incomplete. I'm just not … me when you're not around. I need you close. I can't imagine life without you. It's really hard for me to just stay here, live in this house that screams your existence and wait until you're back, missing you insanely hard."

I dried my tears and painted a somewhat forced smile on my face.

"I love you more than anything in this world."

As he dried his tears as well, Ray took my hand, while his right hand went into his pocket.

"I wanted to wait with this a little longer, until there was this ultimate picture perfect kind of moment. But honestly, right now, I don't want to wait anymore." He smiled, pulling his hand back out of his pocket, holding something in his hands.

"Turn around."

I smiled and did as he told me.

"Now close your eyes," He said softly, making me curious about what he was up to.

As I felt something cold and somewhat heavy touch my chest and pull on my neck, my eyes shot open. With the biggest grin you'd ever seen plastering my face and my eyes huge, I turned around again to face Ray. He was grinning as well.

"You like?" He asked.

"Are you insane?" I yelled, completely forgetting about what had happened not even five minutes before. "Like? Adore is more accurate, yeah!"

I stared back down to the item in my hands. It was the most beautiful necklace I had ever seen in my entire life, and being the girly girl I was, that made many necklaces, believe me. The glass-like heart, perfect size, had a soft blue shade, but when you turned it even the smallest bit, it turned to soft pink. The thing amazed me beyond belief, left me speechless.

After a couple of minutes staring at it and looking up at Ray in disbelief, I managed to stammer "Ray. Wow. This is amazing. No. It's more than amazing. I wish I knew the words. Like. Wow."

He giggled at my astonishment, took my head in his hands and softly pressed his lips against mine. One of my hands slipped from the necklace to his neck, pulling him in a bit closer.

"I'm yours," He whispered. "Until the end of times. I love you. More than a promise or a vow could ever tell."