Love Is All That Matters After All

“I’m done with you treating me like a slave! I’ve had it!” Anna screamed at her mother, gripping her suitcase tighter as she thundered down the stairs. She looked back to see her mom hot on her tail and about to open her mouth. Anna turned to face her. “No! You don’t get to talk right now! I have spent an entire lifetime being the good girl, the girl who doesn’t talk back, the girl who does as she’s told, the girl who keeps her goddamn mouth closed. Not anymore!” Anna turned and stomped down the last two steps before marching to the front door.

“Anna, please,” her mother, Rose, pleaded. “Think about what you’re doing!”

“I have thought about what I’m doing, Mother,” Anna hissed as she opened the front door and stepped outside. Her mother’s hand grazed her shoulder. This only filled Anna with more anger. “Keep your hands off me! Can’t you tell? I hate you! I hate you and I wish you were dead!” Anna shouted from the porch before walking down the path and out of sight. Her mother collapsed against the side of the house, wondering where she’d gone wrong and how she could fix this. She’d let Anna go for now, let her cool off, but Rose needed to talk with her, make her see.

Anna had been riding the bus for four hours now. She’d passed by her street twice and her destination three times. She used this time to get lost in the music flowing from her iPod. Right now, “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood was playing and Anna found herself humming along to the melody. The bus driver kept looking at her at regular intervals.

Another hour passed by as the bus rolled to a stop in a local shopping village. The bus driver made his way to Anna’s seat.

“Uh, Miss?” he asked tentatively. Anna paused her music and turned to look at him.

“Yes? What can I do for you?” Anna replied politely.

“Well, I’m taking the bus through the route one last time before I put it up for the night. You may want to get off at your stop this time round,” he informed her, shifting his weight from one foot to the other uncertainly.

“Oh,” Anna paused. She hadn’t known she’d spent that long on the bus. “Thanks,” Ana smiled at him. He managed a small smile in return before walking back to his seat.

Anna pressed play, but turned the volume down so that she wouldn’t zone out this time around. When the bus stopped in front of Anna’s destination, she stepped off, lugging her suitcase with her, but not before sending a smile toward the driver. The bus left, stirring the air as it moved away and Anna stared up at the red brick building. Anna stared up at her home. She moved out of her trance and pulled her keys out of her pocket. She walked inside the foyer, closing the door firmly behind her before stepping into the stairwell. Anna looked up the staircase and briefly wondered if she should take the elevator. She banished that idea as she remembered how it always took forever for the bloody thing to get to where it was needed. Anna laboured up four flights of stairs instead.

After traveling down the long hallway to the door of her father’s apartment, Anna stopped, key in the lock, hand on the knob, and took a breath. No turning back, she reminded herself and threw her entire body at the door to open it. The door always stuck in the frame and practically bowling it over was the only way Anna could ever get it open.

Anna dragged the suitcase inside and rolled it to her bedroom, stopping only to open the bedroom door. She really just wanted to collapse on her bed, but knew she should at least unpack first. Twenty minutes later, Anna was tucking the last of her jeans away when her stomach growled. Yes, actual growl-age.

“Food… food would be a good idea,” Anna mumbled as she stared down at her stomach. She rose from her place on her floor and stretched a little. Sitting on the floor to put her clothes away may not have been the best idea; she was so sore! She walked slowly out of her room and into the kitchen.

The refrigerator yielded sour milk and moldy cheese whereas the cupboards held only a few snacks and some chips.

“Well this isn’t going to work,” Anna muttered as she closed the last cupboard. With a sigh, she turned and walked back into her room. She grabbed her wallet, keys, and jacket before starting the short walk to the grocery store seven blocks away.

On her walk, she passed by the local music store, a Long & McQuade. She looked longingly at the small display rack of electric guitars as she walked by, but knowing how much money she had, she didn’t stop and walk in. She quickened her pace, determined to forget the guitars and concentrate on surviving.

Thank God it was summer and she’d be able to get a job and save money for the coming school year. Anna walked into the Save-On, grabbing a cart and a flyer before heading to the produce section. She got a good mound of vegetables going before going to the cheese section. She got the cheapest cheddar they had, cream cheese, butter, and a small block of parmesan. Slowly, she wheeled the cart to the meat section. She got warehouse packs of chicken thighs, wings, pork ribs, beef steaks, and buy-one-get-one racks of lamb.

In the bakery she got a bag of whole-wheat bagels and a bag of whole-wheat bread. The other aisles only gave her some cereal, cereal bars, pasta, rice, and tea. As the cashier was ringing her up, Anna couldn’t help but glance at the magazines littering the checkout. They all featured the cast of Dusk, a new vampire movie that didn’t seem too terribly good.

The bill was the amount she expected, but Anna knew getting a job would be a top priority. As Anna was walking out the door, she glanced at all the bags in the cart. I can’t carry them all back, she realized in her mind. She looked around and walked straight through the parking lot. After the parking lot she just continued straight on to the sidewalk. She paused only outside of her building. Once, to check the “We’re Hiring” sign in the Wendy’s, and once to open the main door. She quickly headed up to the apartment and put all the food away, stowing the cart in the unused stairwell at the end of the hall.

Thoroughly exhausted, Anna popped a bagel in the toaster, buttered it when it was done, and inhaled it before locking the door and dropping onto her bed and into sleep.

When she awoke, she turned on her father’s computer and printed out a copy of her resumé. She took a shower, had some breakfast, and headed downstairs to the Wendy’s.

The manager there loved her as soon as he read her resumé and hired her on the spot.

“When can you start?” the manager, Doug, asked.

“Whenever you need me to,” Anna answered. Doug ushered her into the back, gave her a uniform that was much too big, and told her to help Diane make burgers.

The day passed quickly, now that Anna had something to do. She and Diane got on rather well. Diane seemed like a grandmother, all gray-haired, bright eyes, and soothing voice. It didn’t take long for Anna to learn how to make burgers under Diane’s watchful gaze.

“Thank you so much Anna. There are two openings tomorrow, a morning shift and a night shift, which one do you think you can do?” Doug asked, peering over a stack of files in his office.

“Both, if you’d like. I’d be happy to take as many shifts as I can,” Anna offered and Doug smiled down at her.

“Alright then, I guess tomorrow morning we’ll show you how to make chili and fries. Now, morning shifts start at seven. If you could be here fifteen minutes early, that’d be wonderful. Er, what size are you?” Doug suddenly seemed to grow shy and awkward with the last question.

“Medium,” Anna replied, ignoring that fact.

“Okay, I’ll see what I can do about getting you a uniform in your size. And let’s see… today’s Tuesday, I should have a regular schedule for you by Thursday. And, of course, if anyone calls in sick I’ll give you a call,” Doug smiled warmly.

“Thanks, Mr. Little,” Anna smiled as she turned for the door.

“Just Doug, Anna, just Doug,” Doug peered down at his papers again.

Anna nodded before leaving the fast food restaurant and heading back to her apartment. She made a quick dinner, chicken caesar salad, and went promptly back to sleep.

The next few days were monotonous. Anna woke up, had breakfast, went to work, came home, had dinner, and went to sleep. The money was disappearing faster than she’d thought it would. She asked Doug for even more shifts. Doug told her he’d do what he could.

The following Wednesday, this all changed. A buzzing sound caused Anna to wake up from a mid-afternoon nap. Her phone was ringing.

“Hello?” Anna’s voice was thick with sleep.

“Anna?” a male voice asked in return. That voice sounds familiar…

“Dad?” Anna shot up in bed, surprise evident in her voice.

“Hello sweetheart,” her father replied, relief colouring his voice.

“What’s wrong?” Anna immediately picked up his tone.

“Your mother called me, wondering if I knew where you were. I told her I didn’t,” he father answered. No way, Anna thought. Mom asked Dad? She hates Dad!

“Mom called you?” was all Anna could respond with. Her father chuckled.

“Yes. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not completely insane, Anna,” her father laughed again. Anna let out a breathless chuckle in response. Wow, I guess she must be worried.

“- you now?” her father’s voice came back to her.

“Sorry, could you repeat the question?” Anna asked, somewhat embarrassed.

“I was just wondering, where are you now? One of your parents has to know at least,” her father told her. Anna sighed before responding.

“I’m at the apartment,” she told him.

“I should’ve known. Alright, well, I just wanted to make sure you were okay, dear,” her father stated. “I guess I’ll let you go now. Love you,” her dad seemed ready to hang up.

“Love you too, Dad. Bye,” Anna hung up. She looked at the time. She still had a couple hours until she was needed at work for the night shift. I think I’ll go back to sleep, Anna decided.

“She’s at your apartment?!" Rose said in disbelief.

“Yeah,” Tate nodded on his end of the phone.

“I thought she would’ve gone somewhere else. Somewhere that would take me ages to find her,” Rose admitted. Tate couldn’t help but chuckle slightly at this. “You know I have to go get her, right?” Rose added.

“Yeah, I know, Rose. Drive carefully,” Tate instructed before hanging up.

Rose tossed the phone on the couch and grabbed her car keys. It was starting to get dark out, but she ripped out of the driveway anyway. The farther along she got, the more carefully she drove. She stopped at a red light, Maine and Hills. When it turned green and she entered the intersection, the driver’s side of her car seemed to light up, the scratching sound of metal on metal was heard, and Rose’s world faded to black.

Anna was on cashier duty today. It was almost seven in the morning. It was almost time for her to get off work. She’d left her phone in the apartment and didn’t feel like going to get it during her break.

Finally, yes, it was seven! She said goodbye to Alana, the girl who shared the shift with her and trudged into her building and up the stairs.

Anna would have collapsed on her bed right away if her phone hadn’t been blinking. Scowling, she picked it up and read the text telling her she had voicemail. She dialed the number, and listened.

The phone dropped from her hand and crashed to the floor when she heard it. The screen cracked, the battery fell out. Anna lasted only a second longer before she too crumpled to the floor.

Several moments passed. No tears were shed, but Anna lay a trembling mass upon the floor.

“Get up, Anna,” she told herself. “Get up!” her legs moved underneath her, her hands groped for the keys in her pocket. She turned to grab her phone off the floor and bus fare off the desk. She ran out of the apartment, down the stairs and to the bus stop. Impatiently, she waited for the bus to come. There were plenty of seats on the bus, but she chose to stand anyway. Everything seemed to be moving too slow. People were going on as if everything in the world was okay. As if Anna’s entire world hadn’t been thrown upside-down.

At her stop she sprinted off the bus and through the hospital’s main entrance.

“Rose Atkins, I need to see Rose Atkins!” Anna shouted as she barreled towards the nurse’s office. The nurse looked up from her desk surprised. She took in Anna’s haggard expression and turned to her clipboard immediately.

“Room 184, but she’s not allowed visito-“ Anna was gone before the nurse could finish her sentence.

The door to 184 was closed and locked when Anna attempted to open it. She contented herself to stay outside the door, sitting in front of it, in fact. A doctor, clipboard in hand, almost walked into her.

“Sorry, what are you doing here?” the doctor asked her.

“I’m waiting for someone to tell me about my Mom,” Anna replied, not moving from the floor.

“Are you-“ the doctor paused to look at his sheet, “Anna Atkins?” he peered down at her.

“Yes.” Anna nodded.

“I’m Doctor Milton. Your mother was in a car accident. Right now she’s in a coma,” Milton said without preamble. He knew that sometimes, you just have to tell the straight-up.

Anna just let the words flow in one ear and out the other. She couldn’t embrace the seemingly reality of it.

“I want to see her,” was all she said.

“You will. Just as soon as I’ve had a look at her,” Doctor Milton replied, not sure what to make of the girl in front of him. Usually they cried or showed some sign of having understood him. He unlocked the door and walked inside, stepping around Anna as he did so.

When he left, Anna slid into her mother’s room and sat in the hard plastic chair. Doctor Milton, who had watched her slink inside from farther down the hall, decided he would make sure the girl got through this.

Anna took her mother’s hand and whispered, “I’m sorry. I love you” before settling her head beside her mother’s prone body. All those seemingly petty fights, those backyard parties her mother hadn’t let her go to, the chores she’d had to do. They were meaningless now. They meant nothing. All that mattered was that her mother was in a coma, she might die. And it was all Anna’s fault.

Anna dozed off and was woken by Doctor Milton who had come to see her mother again.

The day passed. Sometimes Anna would open her mouth before shutting it again. She didn’t know what to say. So she just stayed there and held Rose’s hand. Sometimes she’d doze off only to be awoken by the steady beeping of the machine around her or Doctor Milton checking on her mother.

The next day, Anna was in the same clothes in the same place. Her limbs were sore and her stomach growled, but she wasn’t hungry. She didn’t want to eat.

Around noon, Doctor Milton walked in with a BLT sandwich and a bottle of apple juice. Soundlessly, he handed them to her before checking Rose’s condition and leaving. Before the door closed, he barely caught the low “thanks” Anna mumbled.

They went through the same routine for two more days. Finally, when Doctor Milton brought her another sandwich and a small carton of milk he spoke.

“Perhaps you should go home for a bit. Change you clothes, take a shower. Take an actual nap,” Milton suggested before walking out the door. Anna didn’t really want to. The only contact she’d had was with the nurses, Milton, and Doug, who she told that she wouldn’t be in for a while. She told him the truth and he was compassionate enough to tell her to take all the time she needed.

She ate the sandwich slowly, really not all that hungry.

She left the hospital room.

She got on a bus.

She went back to the apartment.

She showered, changed, and went back to the bus stop. She went back to the hospital and stayed there for four more days. Milton walked in.

“We’re going to move her to-“ but he was interrupted by rapid beeps. His eyes flashed and he pushed Anna out of the room as nurses rushed in.

“Let me in! What’s going on?!” Anna shouted at the room full of people. One nurse didn’t respond, she just closed the door in Anna’s face. Anna pounded on the door for a while, but no one answered her. She sank down on the floor against the wall, facing the door. A little bit later, the troop of medical personnel began to leave the room. Doctor Milton walked over to her, the unspoken truth in his eyes.

Anna blacked out, she started falling. She barely registered the strong arms that seized her, holding her up.

When Anna awoke, Doctor Milton was peering down at her.

“Wh-?” Anna couldn’t form a coherent sentence.

“C’mon, your father’s here,” Doctor Milton said. His face was quickly replaced with that of her father’s.

“Here we go, baby girl,” Tate said as he picked his daughter up. Anna rested her head against her father’s shoulder and fell asleep. “Thanks Victor,” Tate told the doctor. Milton just nodded and walked away.

“I hate you and I wish you were dead!” Anna screamed at her mother. Anna bolted upright from her new bed. That same nightmare had plagued her for the past month, it didn’t matter how many times she’d shouted “I’m sorry!” at the heavens. She could hear her father moving around upstairs, probably getting a glass of water. She’d had to move to the other side of the country to live with him and his girlfriend. She hadn’t wanted to. She wanted to stay in her mother’s house and wallow in misery, but her father didn’t allow that.

So these memories resurfaced every night. Every night she woke up screaming. Every night she knew that those were some of the last words her mother had ever heard her say, and the ones preceding them weren’t any nicer.

She left the darkness of her bedroom, opting instead to go out onto the porch, in the rain, alone, and look at the stars. Her father knew better to disturb her if he found her out here. She liked staying out here, emersing herself in her grief and anguish. She liked to hum some of her mother's favourite songs. She took this time to say “I’m sorry” just a couple more times, too.

The wind usually whistled through her hair, but tonight it was different.
Tonight, it seemed to speak to her.

You got your wish.