Today is the Goodbye and Tonight's the End

When one contemplates a permanent decision such as suicide most people would think it through, weigh the pros and cons. However, with me it was a snap decision, I have been told all my life that I'll never amount to nothing so why continue on.

I have been told suicide is never the answer. Things will blow over, but I never really had any issues. Unless self-induced depression counts. But today I was going to give my last farewell to the world and nobody will realize tonight at 11:11 my life will end.

The sun breaking over the roof tops tells me it is morning time. I figure it's around 8:30. I slip back into my bedroom through the same window I came out of last night. I didn't sleep a wink; I hardly ever do. Then again mom always said you can sleep when your dead. I laugh bitterly at the irony.

Digging through the tangled mess of sheets on my bed. I pull my phone out. Scrolling through the contacts I find the name I was searching for. Pressing the green telephone located in the top right hand corner starts the call, and he answers on the second ring.

"Viv, What up?", I smile at the cheerfulness in the voice, as long as I had known him it never wavered even after his parents divorced and his step-sister died did he lose his eternal happiness.

"Mark! Not much. I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out today? Chill by the river? Maybe go to the park?", I bite my lip nervously even though I know he won't decline out of generosity or pity. I can never really tell.

"Sure, I'll pick you up out front your house in fifteen. Bye, Viv.", I close the phone without saying goodbye.

I look in the mirror. My hair is fine, my clothes are clean, but no amount of make-up will hide the bags under my eyes. They are a deep purple and my eyes are completely bloodshot.

I toss my phone back onto the bed and wait patiently for Mark to arrive. I hear the rumble of his engine up the street. No ones home so I don't try to keep quiet. I walk out the door just as Mark's truck is pulling up.

I climb in and his grin is stretched ear to ear. He holds up a brown paper bag, "Breakfast?"

I pick at the Burger King fries he bought and sip occasionally from the mix of Coke and Sprite in the cup in front of me. The Sun is slowly coming up over the river and we are eating in silence.

"Vivian?", I look over at him confused why he's called my full name, "Do you ever think of the future? Like where you'll be in ten or twenty years?"

I shake my head, "Nope. I don't like the thought of a future. Thinking ahead isn't really my forte."

Mark nods slowly and we finish our breakfast, by now the Sun is completely over the water. It's a sight to be hold. I look back over to him, "So, Mark. Where do you think you will be in ten or twenty years?"

He shrugs, "Married with a family, I guess. That would be nice. Probably still in this little old town. I don't think I'll ever say bye to it forever."

"Huh? How could you like a town like this? If anything I see it as a disease on the skin of my existence. I plan on saying goodbye to it and much more for forever.", I smile without humor at the thought, a little less than ten hours to go.

I pull my feet to my chest, "Mark, can we go to the park? I really really want to get on the swings."

He laughs and puts the truck in reverse. It's a short ten minute drive to the park. I jog to the swings and soon Mark joins me.

"Since you got to ask your deep question of the day. I think it's time for mine. Have you ever thought about the way people affect each other?", I look at the ground as I ask, not strong enough to look at him.

I feel his gaze on me, "How do you mean? Like that one true love, the shooting star in somebody life."

I shake my head at his suggestion, "No, more like the person who holds the key to their happiness. Have you ever met a person like that?"

He thinks for a moment and my heart race quickens, "No, not that I can think of." I ignore the sharp pang of pain in my heart.

A thick silence falls over us and I hear a sigh escape his lips, "Viv, you remember when we were younger and had sleepovers. We would try and stay up until eleven:eleven p.m. to make a wish. What did you wish for?"

My hands start sweating and I swallow the lump in my throat. Save the tears for later. I kick at the mulch beneath my feet, "I don't know. Stupid stuff, nothing I could ever really have. So, I guess I'll have to go with nothing. What about you?" I laugh to lighten the heavy mood hanging around us, but it comes out as bleak mumble.

He smirks, "Sheesh! Girls, fame, money, and once I think I even wished for love. But those are all a bit ridiculous."

Again a powerful stab to the chest from his words, but he doesn't realize his words are like a dagger to my heart then again he never will.

Mark looks uneasy for a moment but recovers with a smile, "I guess I should get you home it's getting late. It's like six.", he chuckles at my shocked face, "We've been talking for hours. Let's go we can chat some more tomorrow."

He drops me off at the house and he walks me to the door. We shift awkwardly until I speak up, "Hey sorry for boring you today will all that serious talk. I just needed to vent, sort of."

He shrugs, "No problem. You can call me anytime that's what friends are for."

Another distinct spike of pain in my chest. Just friends, nothing more. I wrap Mark in an unexpected hug and I take in my last smell of his scent. I pull back, "Mark, whatever happens in the future just know you were a major part of my life."

He nods curtly and we finally have to say goodbye. I feel the tears welling up, but there's no turning back now. We hug again for goodbye as he pulls away in his truck I whisper, "Mark, you were my sunshine."

I wipe the tears away as I climb the stairs. The clock in my room reads 8:00 P.M. Three more hours. I pull my iPod out of desk drawer and climb back out onto the roof to pass the time. The hours pass and at 10:50 I climb back inside. I toss the iPod aside not really caring where it lands.

I look at the notes once more I had written last night on the roof. Most said the same generics things; don't blame yourself, nobody could save me, and the ever popular move on without me.

Mark's was different though, I explained more to him and told him things I never could tell anybody else. Not everything, not my true feelings. Those were going to die with me. I folded each of them carefully then put them in my back pocket.

I stare at the hand full of pills in my hand, a lethal concoction of painkillers, sleeping pills, and prescription medicine for God knows what.

I think about the day I had today. It was nowhere near life-changing, nothing extraordinary happened, I just talked and spent the day with the love of my life who will never know all my true feelings for him. It was just another day in my pointless existence.

But today was just the farewell to the world, but right now the end is nearing. Tears are threatening to spill over and as the clock hits 11:11, I swallow all the pills.

I begin fading in and out, the tears never fall, but my last thought and wish at eleven:eleven runs through my mind and nobody will ever know the secret that ate away at my insides.

It was always you, Mark. Every time, every wish was for you. If only you knew.