Lullaby And Goodnight

I was breathing so shallow, watching the fox scuttle across our yard. The chair I was in was creaking from all the rocking. My fists clung to the knitted blanket around my shoulders. My overly greasy hair was matted to my head and my hands were permanently shaky. The coffee in my hands had spilled but I never felt the boiling water burn my hands. The moonlight lit up the area around the window, flooding over me. My eyes burned from lack of sleep. I didn't hear anyone behind me until a small cough was heard behind me. I turned my head and nodded weakly at Frank. He lent against the back of my rocking wooden chair to slow it to a stop. His arms were folded behind me and he followed my gaze to the disappearing fox.

"You can't sit here forever Gerard." His whispering voice tickled just below my ear. I lowered my head just a little.

"There's nothing left to do." I lifted my eyes to Frank's reflection in the window. His head was tilted to the side slightly to look at me. I watched him rest his hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. He could have squeezed it as hard as he wanted, I couldn't really feel it anyway. I sank right back against the back of the chair, the blanket lowering around my shoulders. My hands shook as his other arm wrapped around me, resting his head on my shoulder. I closed my eyes and sighed.

"Don't let yourself stay like this Gee. You have a life. She may be gone but your still here. You got to live the life she couldn't Gerard." I bit my lip, to numb to cry, but not numb enough to pretend he wasn't making sense. I nodded slowly as his other arm wrapped around me, hugging me into him through the chair. I tilted my head to the left to let him rest his head on my shoulder again. I shivered at the soft kiss he left on the side of my neck.

"Come to bed. You need sleep." He let me go and let me get up. The blanket fell from my bare torso and came to rest on the chair, still rocking by itself after me standing and leaving the room.

I lay beside Frank on his small, single bed. He let me bury my head into his chest and cry my heart out to him, yet again. The pit I was sinking in was getting deeper. His fingers laced through my greasy hair, comforting me silently. I eventually calmed down and listened to his steady heart beat.

Neither of us slept that night. We both lay awake in silence. Frank's fingers continued to lace through my hair. His steady breathing could be heard through the silence of the night. My fists clung to the front of his shirt, fearing he would fade away into the dark if I let go. I looked up at him and could just make him out in the darkness. His eyes were closed but I knew he was still awake. I glanced at his lips, the ones I had been craving for over two months. I reluctantly lowered my head and basked in his soothing affection.

*FRANK'S Point Of View*

I held him close. He was a broken doll. I had monitored him sitting in that chair for two days. I know this was hard on us all. We had to post-pone the tour to get over what had recently happened. I ran my fingers through Gerard's hair repeatedly. It used to get him to sleep, but I knew he was awake, just as I was. My heart beat was quicker than normal. Having him this close still made me nervous and fill my stomach with butterflies. Still, I held him as close as he was letting me. One of his fists were clinging to my faded dark green shirt, but the other was bent in front of him, blocking me from pulling him as much as I wanted to. I missed holding him like I used to.

He shuffled a little and moved slightly further away. I didn't try to pull him closer though. I felt Gerard's gaze on me, so I opened my eyes just a fraction. I burned red as he stared momentarily at my lips, licking his own slightly. What I wouldn't do to just lean forward and kiss him.

*Time Elapse.*

I lent up on my elbow, Gerard looking up at me. I looked through the window the the break of dawn, telling Gerard to look too. Hi squinted a little at the sudden light seeping into the dark, wooden attic room. I climbed out of the bed and over to the dormer window, sitting on the ledge and pulling my knees up to my chest. Gerard sat up, pulling the sheets over his bare chest, and staring out at the rising sun. I watched the expression on his face, looking between curious and understanding. I smiled when I caught his eye. He seemed to hold his breath for some reason. I smiled and looked back out, watching the golden light flood over the world. I jumped when a hand rested on my knee. I grinned when Gerard smiled at me. The first time I'd seen him smile since Rachael was found. He sat on the dormer opposite me, watching the sight I was previously watching. The sun made his eyes shine. I smiled at the sight. Once the sun was totally risen, he stretched and smiled at me again. My breath caught in my throat when he leaned forward, but he just hugged me.

"Thanks for everything Frank." He smiled again before going down and switching the shower on. I sighed and stood up, making my bed and getting dressed. My drainpipes clung around my legs and my Hulk skinny tee shirt hugged my torso. I pulled my vans on and combed my hair before going down to the kitchen. Helena turned and grinned at me.

"Pancakes okay Frank?" I nodded enthusiastically and gratefully accepted the stack of steaming hot, maple syrup covered, whipped cream drown, pancakes. My mouth watered at the smell. My mind totally wandered from the pancakes when Gerard walked into the kitchen and hugged Helena. He had jeans on, but that was all, and his torso and hair were still dripping wet with the light making the droplets glisten. He stretched and my eyes just wouldn't move. I jumped and mile when he laughed and spoke.

"Like what you see Frank?" I felt a deep red shade my cheeks and make them burn painfully. He smirked and left the room. Helena lent on the counter in front of me.

"Go after him Frank. You obviously still like him. If I was forty years younger I'd go for you so I'm sure he would." I laughed at what she said and accepted the kiss on my cheek, before following after Gerard. It was like when we were kids again. When I wanted to show him I liked him without actually telling him. Mikey was sat on the couch when I walked in, flicking through the T.V channels.

"Hey Mikes where's Gerard?" He pointed out of the door and I looked out just to see his car turn the corner. I sighed and flopped down next to Mikey, accepting the can of coke zero he offered me.

*Gerard's Point Of View*

I drove to Matt's, new song in hand. The garage door was already open, so Ray must already be there. I'll text Frank soon to tell him and Mikey to get here too. Matt nodded in greeting to me. I passed him the piece of paper and he read it silently, cigarette hanging loosely from his lips. He didn't argue when I took it away and took a few drags on it.

"I like it. You got a name for it?" I nodded and passed him the cigarette back.

"Cemetery Drive. In honor of Rachael and her childhood home." I smiled softly and Ray put his hand comfortingly on my shoulder. I lent against the bookshelf in Matt's garage, the one that's been there forever. I slammed my fist against it, partly to take things out on something that can't feel pain instead of crying. A tin box fell off the top shelf and clattered open on the ground. Two things fell out, one was a copy of our first album, I Brought You My Bullets You Brought Me Your Love, and a folded piece of paper. I glanced at Matt who looked at curious as I felt. I took it and unfolded it. I smiled in memory, remembering what it was.

"I'm Not Okay I Promise." I grinned at Matt and Ray who remembered too and read the song again. We just had to get back to this tour.