Lullaby And Goodnight

With a smile on my face I stared up at the stars. The cold night air didn't bother me for in my happy place, it was sunny and warm. In my happy place, Bert and the rest of my troubles were far behind. A shuffling noise behind me pulled me begrudgingly back to earth. My nose began stinging at very high temperatures to match my eyes. The white powder felt itchy around my nostrils. I giggled and turned to look at the fox behind me, sniffing at our van tires.

The cold night air was soothing the burning the Cocaine had on my nose. I was shaking badly and realized I needed something to bring me down a little. I dragged myself across the gravel and felt a sharp pain on my stomach. Rolling over, I saw blood already on my shirt and lifted it, to see the scarred lettering re-opened. I called his name and waited for a response. The van door was kicked open and he crawled out of our crappy van. His tired eyes widened when he saw me wincing in pain on the floor, eyes bloodshot and a burning red nose, still possibly surrounded by white specks.

I felt so ashamed of myself. This beautiful, young guy didn't deserve to have me to look after. I had let him down. He got me onto my feet, but I was still really unsteady, so he had to lean me back against the cold metal of the van. The fox scurried away, frightened by how close we were getting. I held him away at arms length and vomited. The foul taste burning and stinging my throat. I felt a soothing feeling on my back, Frank's hand rubbing gently. Before I realized it, I was in tears.

I wasn't crying for me, I was crying for him. Having to see me and take care of me in this pathetic and awful state. He never seemed to mind, but I knew I was putting a lot of pressure on him. My body was numb as he laid me on the grass nearby. It was cold and moist with dew and it soothed my burning skin. I could no longer feel the searing pain I knew would be tearing through my abs, from my Carter childhood. It shocked me that I could still feel his slightly rough hands slowly stroking my cheek, keeping me calm, but not the agony.

His free hand broke open my shirt to let the cold night air soothe and work its magic on my past injuries that never seemed to heal. I felt myself slowly slipping into unconsciousness. Sinking further away from Frank's words that I never wanted to stop hearing.

Flashbacks hit me head on. All the times on stage Ray and Frank, sometimes even Matt would take off their shirts on stage, the sweat rolling down Frank's torso always turning me on. How I longed to do the same, to feel the heat radiating from the crowds on my bare chest, but knowing that questions would follow, that the scarring would attract too much negative attention. The times on stage I would bite or kiss Frank's neck with my arms around him to spur on the fans and keep them screaming. Always using our admiring onlookers as an excuse to touch him. I never failed to notice the glances the rest of the band would share, knowing it was probably more than just a little act of entertainment. Possibly even knowing that I longed to hold him forever.

I knew I had messed up this time, even in my unconscious little drug world, I knew Frank wouldn't forgive me this time. I had no right to be forgiven in the first place. I had fucked up big style and I knew it, he knew it, and the loser I call an ex boyfriend who sold me the drugs knew it. I wanted to get clean, I wanted to get sober, and I wanted to get Frank, but I knew it would be harder than that. I wasn't strong enough to go cold turkey on the stuff, but I had to try. I'd do it for myself. I'd do it for my baby brother, my mom, little Ellie May, and I'd do it for Frank. I had to try.