Lullaby And Goodnight

I groaned as the sun streamed through my bedroom curtains. Guardian was dozing peacefully still beside me. I gave her a cuddle and went to drag myself out of bed, before I realized I wasn't alone. I gasped and sat bolt upright.

"Morning beautiful." Gerard mumbled. I squealed and dragged him into me, holding him tight and sobbing onto his shoulder.

"Oh god Gee. How the fuck did you get here?" I asked and held him at arms length. He looked confused.

"Frankie I never left, are you okay?" He held his hand to my forehead and I closed my eyes, waiting for his soft skin to touch mine. But it never came, instead I was thrown backwards as a rough fist collided with my head. I opened my eyes to see Lee Peterson stood in my room.

"Aw, did I hurt little fags boyfriend? GOOD!" He yelled as tears of fear, pain, and disappointment filled my eyes. He mocked me and mocked me, until I crumbled onto the floor in tears. Guardian barked loudly before the room fell silent and I looked up. I cried out as Guardian lay in a bloody heap in front of me. My baby,my angel, my dog, my best friend, dead. I screamed and pounded the floor with my fist, dragging my nails alone the smooth wood of my bedroom floor. I heard soft voices calling my name but I refused to listen. Most likely more mockery. I continued to scream out for myself and my dead dog. Something strong wrapped around my and I kicked and thrashed as I was lifted from the ground. My small and now skinny frame lifted higher in the air. A cloud had formed in my bedroom and rain started to pour in bucket sized drops. One hit me and my eyes shot open. I was soaking wet and in my grandpa's arms. I mother dropped the water jug she was holding and rushed to me. Guardian stood in the doorway, watching her master go crazy right before her eyes.

Grandpa lifted my cold wet shirt off and gave me a new warm and dry one. I bottom half was still dry. I let my tears pour as grandpa rocked me like was three. There were claw marks on my floor, so I guess the screaming and crying and kicking, thrashing, pounding and scratching actually happened. I screamed and sobbed into my Grandpa's shoulder but he didn't yell, he held me closer and tighter and let me take everything out on him. I eventually calmed down enough to respond rationally.

"Frank honey we need to get you help, these nightmares are getting out of hand. You most likely have depression." I whimpered and let my mom hug me. I was skinny enough to be carried again and I let my grandpa carry me downstairs and set me on the couch. My mom pulled the phone book from the draw in the lounge and flipped through, looking for an emergency doctor. Grandpa rubbed my back soothingly while mom explained to the doctor about my condition. I heard her thank whoever she was talking to and hang up.

"The doctor wants us to take him now, before things get worse." Mom told grandpa, as they took me out I screamed bloody murder.

"MY DOG! I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT GUARDIAN!" I screamed as mom fastened Guardian's collar back around her neck and clipped her leash on. I felt much safer knowing my angel was there. Mom drove us there while I snuggled against my dog in the back. Grandpa stayed home, in case anything happened or something, I don't know, I wasn't listening. I was replaying that dream over and over again. Mom's car stopped outside the emergency doctors office and she let me out, again I screamed as she went to lock Guardian in the car. Mom knew how unstable I was so she allowed me to bring her, though they didn't say anything inside, I don't think they were too impressed when I walked through those doors with a young husky. We waited outside the door for the doctor to be ready. Guardian sat obediently at my feel with her head high looking proud. I held her leash tightly in my grip, scared someone was going to take her away from me. Tears were still sliding slowly down my cheeks.

Finally my name was called and I led my dog and my mom into the office. He told us to take a seat and patted Guardian's head softly.

"Now. Frank start from the very beginning. What's been happening?" I glanced at my mom, uncomfortable that she was there. She took the hint and excused herself. Leaving me to talk freely with this doctor.

"Well, I met a guy, I loved him so much, so you can guess how happy I was when he agreed to go out with me. I gave myself to him mind, body and soul you know. I loved him, he said he loved me. We had fun together, I was smitten. He was staying with his friend as he wasn't living at home anymore due to family problems when his mom said she was taking us all to a theme park. When we got there we all split up and we went on the ghost train. Some guys attacked him and he told me to get help. When I got back, they'd disappeared. Two days later I got a call from his brother saying Gerard had a new girlfriend, they were alright and weren't coming back. Then he got into drink and drugs and stuff. I've stopped eating, I've lost over a stone, I have nightmares every night, I've become scared of the dark, I wont go anywhere without Guardian, I have panic attacks if I'm left alone. I keep thinking everyones going to leave me and I'm going to be alone forever. Every little thing makes me jump. And I just can't move on, no matter what. Every ounce of life and energy had left me. I just feel so, fucked up." I sighed after telling him my life story and looked at my dog, stroking her softly. The doctor sighed and sized me up.

"You need a counselor kid. You've got acute paranoia too. Maybe a little depression." I sighed and ruffled my hair. Of course I jumped so he pulled away and promised to make me an appointment with a councilor. I nodded and led Guardian out into the waiting room while the doctor spoke to my mom alone. One of the three people in here smiled at her, while the other two looked like she had no right to be alive. I lent forward and kissed her soft furry head and smiled for the first time in ages as she looked up and licked my chin. My mom came out looking upset as she led us out and back to the car. She sighed and put my Iron Maiden CD in. What was the bad news? She only put my Cd's on if something was wrong.

"He's put you on anti-depressants." My mom's voice broke and I could tell she was crying. I sat back in the seat and stroked Guardian. Mom let me out of the car and I ran straight up to my room and threw myself onto my bed, crying about everything, just letting it out. I jumped up and went to my own bathroom, locking my door behind me. I rummaged through my medicine cabinet. I finally found it. It was crying out to me in greeting. I sighed and smiled at the little object. I listened to the voices calling me to greet it back. The voices won against my conscience.

"Well hello Mr. Razor Blade, so good to see you too."