Don't Hold This War Inside

"The dress will be finished in three days." Mary Anne said to her daughter as they walked through their garden later that day.

"Three days? Three?! But, Mother, the wedding is in two days. We simply must tell Martha to sew faster." Caroline replied with resolve.

"I will try, Caroline, but I cannot promise a thing. You know how...old fashioned...Martha Edgewood can be. And you cannot rush occasions such as this." Mary Anne said distastefully.

"I am perfectly capable of understanding that but everything must be done and done right in the state of things, Mother." Caroline said, playing with her fingers.

"The state of things? I beg you to explain what you mean."

Caroline stopped walking and turned to face her mother. "We are in the middle of a Civil War!"

Mary Anne looked upward in exasperation, throwing her hands in the air. "A war of Northern Aggression." she said, interrupting Caroline's line of thought.

"The North are not the only ones doing wrong! The South have played just as dirty a hand as they have and due to the sad fact that they refuse to believe such a thing, we are where we are now. I do not think you nor anyone else grasps the gravity of the situation!" Caroline said heatedly.

"You only say that because--"

"Because Jasper will be forced to fight in a war he's had nothing to with! Because by the time this war is over, we will have lost more than 300,000 men due to the South's ignorance and arrogance. Because I will have no happiness once I am married and because I will constantly have to worry if the man I love will ever come home again." Caroline explained passionately as tears grew in her eyes.

Knowing that Jasper might have to leave sooner or later was one thing. But saying it and actually knowing in her heart that it was true was another matter entirely.

She could tell Jasper to escape with her to Mexico but Jasper was a stubborn man and believed he owed it to the South to fight even though he didn't even believe in what the South was fighting for.

It seemed then that Mary Anne noticed her daughter in new eyes. She had always seen Caroline as a little child who was ungrateful for almost everything she had and a careless and thoughtless person.

But now she could see that Caroline's worries were extremely real and with good reason. She was no longer a little girl. She was a woman in love.

"Of course, Caroline. I will tell Martha to sew the dress as fast as she possibly can." Martha said neutrally.

The two walked back to the house, a new worry fresh on their minds. Mary Anne said that she would have one of the maids make tea but that was not what Caroline wanted.

All she wanted was to go to her room, lay in her bed, and cry.

Jasper came to the Farrow Estate later that day with grave news. He knew it was bound to happen sooner or later, but he had hoped it would be later. He asked to go to Caroline's room and tell her.

He knocked softly and heard a quiet "Come in."

Jasper turned the doorknob and stepped inside Caroline's room. He'd only ever seen it once before when he'd snuck inside to tell her goodnight two years ago.

She was lying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. he knew immediately something was bothering her.

"Caroline?" he asked cautiously.

She sat up and slowly got out of her bed, walking toward him. She hugged him tightly as if she thought he might vanish at any second.

"There is...something I need to tell you, Caroline." Jasper said quietly.

Caroline pulled away from him and looked at him fearfully. "What is it?"

Jasper swallowed and held Caroline's hands as he tried to figure out a way to say what he needed to say without hurting her, but it was impossible. There was no better way to say it.

"Caroline, I...I have to leave in four days...to go fight in the war." he said as delicately as possible.

Tears clouded Caroline's face as her worst fears came true. Her breathing became erratic and before she could stop herself, she threw herself at Jasper hitting him in his chest as hot, sad, angry tears fell from her face.

Her words were incoherent as she yelled and sobbed and cried.

Her mother and two of the maids watched from the doorway with sadness in their eyes as they watched Caroline fall to pieces in front of them.

Mary Anne shooed the maids away, saying that Caroline and Jasper needed time alone.

Jasper fell to the floor, tears burning in his eyes as he watched the woman he loved in pain.

He would've given anything for her to never feel this way but he knew it would hurt her more if he had never told her than if he had.

He pulled her into his arms and she cried into his shirt for an hour before she finally broke away.

"So, you will have to leave the day after the wedding." she said, as more of a question than an answer.

"Yes." Jasper replied regretfully.

"And you willwrite to me everyday."

"Yes."

"And you promise me you will come home."

"Of course, Caroline." Jasper answered, his voice breaking.

But even thought Jasper promised her all these things, she found she could not believe it.

Her Aunt Loraine who lived in Mississippi had a son named John who had to go fight in the war and Aunt Loraine had stopped receiving his letters after the first two months.

She soon after got word that he had died in the Battle of Bull Run.

The two held each other in silence for what felt like centuries. They wanted to bask in all the time they still had left with one another.

Caroline's heart felt as if it was burning. Her eyes were stinging from the crying she'd done and she was worn out. All she wanted was to fall asleep, and she did: in Jasper's arms.