Don't Hold This War Inside

It was now the day of the wedding: March 14, 1861.

Caroline tried her hardest to be excited and happy, but it was an impossible feat considering her groom-to-be would be leaving early the very next day to go fight in a war he didn't even believe in.

She stayed quiet as Anna, her maid, helped her put on her dress and as another maid, Harriet, fixed her hair for her.

Caroline stared out the large window in her room to the courtyard below where, in just an hour, she would be marrying the man she loved.

But it would be an almost pointless union. Somewhere in her heart, Caroline knew that after Jasper left tomorrow, she would never see him again.

It was a fact she didn't want to believe but knew it was true.

"Ms. Caroline? It's time." Anna said, taking Caroline from her thoughts.

Caroline nodded and looked outside the window. Guests were seated and talking amongst one another and Jasper was waiting patiently at the proverbial altar.

She nodded to herself and walked with Anna downstairs to the parlor where her father waited with a huge smile on his face.

"My dearest Caroline, you look beautiful." he said sincerely as he stuck his arm out.

She laced her arm in his and the two walked to the back door where the courtyard was. Just then, the sound of the orchestra playing Here Comes The Bride was heard.

Nervousness boiled in the pit of Caroline's stomach. What if Jasper thought she looked absolutely horrifying? What if he decided he didn't want to marry her at all?

All these thoughts raced through her mind but the moment she locked eyes with Jasper and saw the love and compassion inside them, all those thoughts vanished from her head.

She was marrying the man she loved!

How many nights had she dreamed of such a thing?

She found happiness and excitement boil within her, if only it was a temporary feeling. Before she knew it, she was standing at the altar.

She practically blocked out everything the priest said until he got to the I-do's and the vows.

"Do you, Caroline Victoria Farrow, take Jasper Lucas Whitlock as your lawfully wedded husband to have and to hold through sickness and health, for better or worse, rich or poor, till death do you part?" Priest William asked.

"I do," Caroline replied happily.

"And do you, Jasper Lucas Whitlock, take Caroline Victoria Farrow as your lawfully wedded wife to have and to hold through sickness and health, for better or worse, rich or poor, till death do you part?" Priest William asked.

"I do." replied Jasper, taking Caroline's hand in his.

"I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss your bride." Priest William stated happily to Jasper.

He pulled Caroline to him gently and kissed her like he had so many times before.

But the only reason it was different was because they knew they were married now and they would no longer have to sneak around anymore.

Mary Anne and Silas, Caroline's father, were going to leave the Farrow estate for two days, to let Jasper and Caroline have some alone time with one another.

Later that night, after the wedding and reception was done and all the guests had gone back to their respective homes, Caroline and Jasper stood on the porch, staring out at the field that surrounded the Farrow Estate.

"It is beautiful, Caroline. Just think, one day we will own a place like this, just the two of us, our children and their children." Jasper said quietly as he wrapped his arms around Caroline, pulling her close to him.

"Yes, it certainly is beautiful." Caroline said, slightly detached from the entire situation.

Her mind could only focus on one thing: Jasper would be gone tomorrow and she knew he would not be coming back.

The South was losing more men than the North and the odds that Jasper would come back alive were extremely thin.

She wanted to enjoy the time she had left with him but it was a hard thing to do, considering they'd only been married hours before.

"Caroline, please, tell me what is troubling you." Jasper pleaded.

Caroline turned in his arms and looked up at him.

"That question itself is truly an idiotic one. You know the reason for my despair. You are leaving tomorrow and we've only just been married. We could escape, you know, to Mexico." Caroline said hopefully.

"You know I cannot do that, Caroline." Jasper replied quietly.

"And why not? You are a stubborn man, Jasper, I am aware. But can you not see how much pain this brings me? I want to be with you but I cannot live the rest of my life wondering when or if you will ever come home." Caroline said, fed up with trying to make peace with the fact that Jasper was leaving.

"Please, don't ask of me such a horrible thing. You know I love you more than words could or would ever describe, but my duty is to my country and to the South." Jasper said with a tone of finality in his voice.

Seething with quiet rage, Caroline turned away from him and continued to stare out at the landscape of the Farrow estate.

Jasper held her to him and the two quietly basked in each others presence for another hour before Caroline grew slightly tired.

She and Jasper walked upstairs to her room, closing the door behind them. Sighing, she climbed into bed, pulling the covers up to her shoulders.

She felt Jasper climb in behind her and wrap his arms around her.

"I need to feel something, Jasper." Caroline said quietly, moments later, her voice cracking.

He caught her meaning and pulled her close to him. She hovered over his body, their eyes boring into each others.

"Are you certain?" Jasper asked.

Caroline nodded and brought her lips down on his passionately.

Hours later, the two lay there, their clothes discarded. The naturalistic orchestra of frogs and crickets played on outside, soothing Caroline and encouraging her to fall asleep.

She could hear Jasper's steadily rising chest against her back, but knew he was not asleep.

They just wanted to lay there with each other and forget the world, even it was nearly impossible.

"Caroline, can I ask somethin' of you?" Jasper asked, breaking their silence.

"Anything."

"Will you promise me that if I never come home, you will move on?" he asked.

Caroline looked incredulous. "I would never do such a thing. My heart is already yours and will always be yours. You've taken it and you are the only one who ever will. Do not not ask that of me. I find I will not have the strength to do it." she replied quietly.

Jasper did not say a word in reply.

The two soon fell asleep, though it took a very long time for Caroline to. When it was almost dawn, Jasper rose from the bed and got dressed before he quickly wrote a letter to Caroline.

When Caroline woke up the next morning, the sun was shining through her window, however she could no longer feel Jasper's arms around her.

With tears in her eyes, she turned over to the side of the bed he'd been sleeping on before, only to see a letter on his pillow.

The tears fell quickly from her eyes as it finally hit her that the man she loved was gone.