Jasey Rae

“Are you really gonna get mad at me for this? What was I supposed to do? Say ‘No sorry, go away’?”

I shook my head over and over again. “I’m not mad. I promise I’m not mad. I just don’t want this.”

“What? You don’t what what?”

“I don’t want you to have you split your attention in half like this. You’re not good at all this juggling business and eventually something’s gonna fall apart and that, that in there can’t be it.”

Alex smiled at me.

“What are you smiling about?”

He just looked down and smiled some more then started chuckling.

“Alex, what’s so funny?”

“You are. Weren’t you listening to a thing that I said? I needed some time to grow up and Jase, I have. The thrill of it being new, the bigheadedness of it all, it’s over.”

“So what? You’re bored now?”

“What? No. God no. I wake up every morning fucking thrilled that I do what I do I just...” He was still smiling and he shrugged. “I bought a house, not an apartment, a house. My name’s on the deed and everything.”

“And?”

“And... shit. I don’t know. I’m trying to give you an example.”

“I’m not following. Of what?”

“Why would I buy a home if I hate going back to it? I guess somewhere along the way I realized that once the clouds of lights and booze clear up it’s nice to have something to settle to.”

“You’re twenty two, Alex. You expect me to believe that you’re suddenly ‘the family man’ now?”

He shrugged, still smiling. “No. I never said I was. I just know what’s important to me and what’s not. And if you don’t believe that well, at least let me try and show you.”

I was so close to just saying okay. It would’ve been so easy to just say okay but I couldn’t. One hour couldn’t change everything, could it? So I clapped my hand over my mouth to stifle the cry I feared would come out, turned away from him and did what I did best. I ran. I ran and I could hear him calling after me almost as clearly as I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. I’d worked two years to try and erase all signs of him from my memory and he was trying to crumble all of my hard work within an hour.

“Jasey stopstopstopstopstop.” Alex caught up to me quicker than I thought and just hugged me. He wrapped his arms around me tightly, my face getting buried into his chest and I just let go then. I felt my body go soft and I just cried two years worth of tears into his chest. “I’m not going anywhere so you might as well stop running,” he said into my hair. He kissed the top of my head over and over and I just cried harder.

“Why do you have to do this?” I said in between sobs. “I tried so hard to stay away from you. I did everything to forget you and you have to do this.” Alex just stroked my hair and kissed my temple gently. “Do you know how hard it was? You could just go on and do whatever the hell you want but I had to hear your voice, hear about you, see your face on TV or anywhere. Why do you have to do this to me?” I shook my head, my face rubbing against the fabric of his shirt while the wind blew around us.

“Here, we’ll go home and talk. You’re gonna get sick if we stay out like this. Stay here, okay? I’ll bring the car around.”

About fifteen minutes later we’d made it back to my apartment. I’d stayed silent in the car the whole time as I leaned against the passenger side door. I only nodded when Alex asked if I wanted the heat turned up. When we finally got to my place I dropped my coat by the door, not caring where it was supposed to be at this point, took my hair out of its ponytail and sat on the edge of the bed with a sigh.

Alex was leaning in the doorway of my room, his eyes following me until I finally sat. “You alright?” he asked, taking the beanie off of his head and shaking his hair out.

I shrugged. What was I supposed to say? I was embarrassed and exhausted.

“Can I ask you a question?” Alex said, walking over and sitting next to me.

I shrugged again.

“Did you really think getting over you was a walk through the park on my end?” He sighed when I looked down instead of replying. “You’re really fucking good at this avoiding thing. Did you not even know there was a song named after you? What’d you think that was for? That I needed a new song and your name just sounded nice when it was sung or something?”

I smiled a little.

“You would think that.” Alex ran his fingers through his hair lightly and sighed again.

“Alex, what were you expecting to happen by driving up to see me?” I asked timidly, still looking down at my sneakers.

It was him that shrugged this time. “I really had no fucking idea what to expect. You’re so hard to read.”

“So it’s been said.”

“I was wishing some things would happen though.”

I turned my face to look at him then. “Like?”

“Like...” Alex looked at me, a soft smile resting on his lips. “You’d let me explain myself. You’d let me apologize. And maybe... you’d let me kiss you?” He ran a thumb over my eyes, wiping my eyelashes free of the tears that had been there earlier. The action was small but all of this, him being here, us talking, it brought me back to what I could only remember as the happiest time of my existence and I was done running. Fuck it.

“Do it then,” I said quietly.

You’d think that after not kissing a person for about two years it’d be a little unfamiliar but it wasn’t. Alex pressed his lips to mine gently, tilting my chin up with his finger and I kissed him back fervently, almost feverishly. The grainy stubble he’d grown out on his face was sure to leave mine a little pink but I didn’t mind. I was just happy with our lips fitted together just right like that. They moved like they used to, fluidly and in perfect time with each other then my fingers wrapped into his shirt when his tongue slipped past mine. We continued kissing for a little while, both of us tugging and pulling at each other in a ridiculous fashion but Alex was the first to stop kissing. He pulled away gently and pressed his forehead to mine, both of us trying to regulate our breathing.

“Why does everything always come back to this?” I asked quietly.

Alex ran his fingers over my cheek which was buzzing with warmth and smiled. “I think cause whether you like it or not it’s a fact that we’re the only ones that are every gonna be able to put up with each other.” He slipped his arms under mine and laid me back gently, his body hovering over mine just so. “God, I’ve missed you.” He pushed the hair out of my eyes habitually and just stared.

“I’m sorry,” I said, brushing my fingers across his lips. He smiled. “I guess I’m really good at being stubborn.”

“Yeah,” he said with a little fake sigh and a roll of his eyes. It was my turn to smile. “But I hope you stay this way. I hope you stay this way forever. I hope you’re still as difficult, erratic, talkative and brilliant years from now when we’re married and I’m old and all my friends have been scared away by my receding hairline cause if not I’ll have no one to talk to. We’ll have to get a few cats.”

I laughed. “Slow down there, kid.” He picked up my hand and kissed the inside of my wrist. “Married?”

“Goddammit, you really didn’t listen to a single one of my songs did you?” He rolled his eyes. “And yeah, why not? Not today or anything just you know.” He shrugged, his lips still pressed against my wrist. “Whenever.”

I chewed on my lip and thought this over. “Yeah okay. Why not.”

“You mean it?” he said, smiling. “Swear. You have to pinky swear.”

I rolled my eyes with a smile. “Are we still on this?” He nodded and I locked pinkies with him then we pressed our thumbs together. “What am I promising to exactly?”

“Promise you’ll marry me- eventually- and promise me that even if I’m a scary bald man you won’t stop talking to me and make me buy a dozen cats.”

I laughed. “Alright. I promise.”

Alex beamed then rolled us over so I was laying on his chest. “Thank you.”

I smiled and leaned down to give him a small kiss. “I love you.”

“God,” he laughed lightly. “You’ll never even know, Jasey Rae, how much I fucking love you.”