Jasey Rae

ALEX
For the most part being on tour is fucking rad. You relax all day, perform at night, then party till dawn- it’s the perfect irresponsible life that I had always wanted. There are some downsides though, one of them being the fact that your space is everyone’s space and there really was no way around that. It especially sucks when you’re not in the mood for a “bus dance party” and in the mood to just curl up and be on your own.

“Heeyyyy! Gaskarth! Come out and play with us,” Martin Johnson said, sticking his head into my bunk. He had a drink in his hand and it was obvious that it wasn’t his first.

“Voice rest, bro,” I lied.

“Then don’t talk. Just drink!”

I rolled my eyes while Flyzik yanked him away from me. I gave him a nod in thanks and he nodded back. Maybe I’ll just try and sleep. Sleeping during bus parties isn’t really possible without assistance so I shuffled around the bus until I found the makeshift medicine cabinet. We didn’t really carry that many pharmaceuticals with us; just some Tylenol, Zack’s multivitamin shit, and sleeping pills. That’s what I was looking for. I took two out of the bottle, walked over to the bathroom, and turned the faucet on.

“Hey!” John O’fuckingCallaghan clapped me on the shoulder while I downed the handful of water to wash down the pills.

“Hey,” I said nonchalantly. I didn’t really like the guy, but then again I didn’t really KNOW the guy. All I did know was that he took Jasey out once after we broke up and even though technically that shouldn’t bother me (considering the break up was provoked mostly by me) it just did. Maybe it bothered me more because apparently he’d gotten her drunk and they both spent the night talking shit about me- not that I didn’t deserve it but I don’t even know John so that was a little irritating. No doubt he was just buttering her up to try and get her to sleep with him but from what I’d heard she’d ended up kneeling over a toilet all night instead of rolling around in bed with him. It’s a bittersweet thought, really.

“Did you see your girl walking around here this morning?” John said, leaning against the door frame.

I sighed and tried to work my way past him to get back to my bunk.

“Aw, come on. I was just messing with you.”

“Yeah. Real funny.”

John put his hands on my shoulders and turned me so I was facing him. “But seriously, did you see her in those shorts?” I wanted to rip that grin off his stupid drunk face. He tutted at me and shook his head. “Damn… I hear she’s staying at the Hilton like ten minutes away from here. If I could drive right now I’d fucking go over there and see what’s up.” He laughed obnoxiously, leaning on me for support and I shrugged him off resulting in him hitting his head on the wall. “Fucking hell, Gaskarth! What’s your problem?”

I didn’t reply. I just went back to my bunk, pulled the curtain shut, and hoped for sleep to find me soon. When I was well under the covers and had my earbuds in my ears I finally let out a sigh. “Dan, it’s me again,” I said inside my head. “I wish you could be here to give me some fucking advice like the old days. Everything was better in the old days… I don’t get what the fuck is happening right now, man.” I turned the music up louder as someone ran past my bunk screaming. “I don’t know if this is supposed to mean something, her showing up like this. Am I supposed to go talk to her? Maybe it’s just God fucking messing with my head and trying to guilt trip me. I don’t know what to fucking do and you’re not here. It’s time likes this when I just hate you for leaving. What the fuck, man?” I sighed for the millionth time today and pressed my face into the wall of my bunk, trying to ignore the churning ripping feeling in my chest. “You fixed everything for me when you were around… But what’s left now?”

When I finally fell asleep I dreamt about them both, Jasey and Daniel. This shouldn’t have come to me as a big surprise except it wasn’t a dream at all actually. It was a memory.

“Alex,” my mom had said, coming into my room. It was late, almost midnight.

“Yeah, mom?” I didn’t look up from my tuning and continued to turn the pegs of my guitar.

“Have you seen Daniel anywhere? I’ve been calling him all day and he hasn’t answered his phone. I haven’t seen him since last night.”

I picked my head up. “Huh. No, actually I haven’t seen him now that you mention it.” I looked over at my mom. Her eyebrows were furrowed and she was wringing her hands. The fear in her eyes stood prominent. “Why? What happened?”

“Your father had a talk with him last night… concerning his little… hiatus.”

“Aw shit.” I set my guitar aside and grabbed my cellphone off my nightstand. “I’ll go look for him.”

“Alright. Make sure he’s okay. Bring him home as soon as you find him.”

“Will do, mom.” I walked passed her to leave my room and kissed her cheek on my way out.

Dan hated talking to my parents. I wasn’t exactly a big fan of the sport either but I had more patience with them. After all, I was the baby of the family. They’d never said so outwardly but both Dan and I knew who the “favourites” were of the house. My father loved Dan, a lot. This wasn’t to say he disliked me but he had such high hopes for Dan. My mother loved both of us practically equally but she was always worried about Daniel. He was always terribly good at getting himself into trouble. Maybe that’s why the guys and I looked up to him so much. He was the king of the party scene and we all worshipped him for it. Ecstasy, weed, oxy- you name it, he’s done it at least once. I never got into any of that stuff besides taking a drag or two once at a party because I didn’t like how out of it I felt. I didn’t really know what was going on and I suppose that’s the beauty of it but personally I didn’t find the sense of being lost attracting.

Dan did, though and I suppose with good reason. He was smart, Daniel. I always went to him with my problems and he always knew how to get me out of trouble. He had tons of philosophies on how the world should work and on what was going on in life and sometimes we’d stay up till God knows how late in the park just talking about it. But sometimes the great go a little crazy… I suppose that’s why they say genius’ are never sane. Daniel went to college just like my parents requested and he found a job too. He was a psychologist. My parents were proud, especially my dad. He was the one who was always big on getting good grades and finding a good job. My mom was more laid back and happy to see her sons happy. She was the one I went to when I decided that school really wasn’t for me and that music was something I wanted to work with. But even with the stable job and the degree Dan was extremely unhappy. One day he just quit everything. He quit his job, he moved back home, and the only thing he did for money was bartend a few times a week.

I think it’s redundant to say my dad was furious. I tried my best to stay out of the flames’ way but their fighting was hard to hide from. It was like a cloud, a big dark thunder cloud that grabbed vapor from the earth and built up bigger and bigger until it just down poured everywhere and no umbrella could keep you dry. They’d go for weeks without talking and when they did it was always just shouting arguments. In the end my dad just stopped trying to get him back into work all together and Dan just went and came as he pleased. I wish he would’ve realized that dad was always down his throat because dad had such high hopes for him. I wish dad would’ve realized that Dan didn’t want to live up to the mold dad had created… He always came home though, no matter how much he partied. It was mostly for me and for my mom. That’s why it was so it was weird that he’d been missing for almost twenty four hours.

“Hey this is Dan. You know what to do after the beep.” I groaned and hung up as I continued my walk to the park. He’d taken his car leaving me with my feet as my only form of transportation. I was sure he’d be at the park. That’s where we always went when we needed some air. The bars were too crowded (and my fake only worked half the time), friends houses didn’t give you space to think and the park was mostly empty after five.

“Found you,” I thought, when I finally got to my destination. His car was parked in the parking lot but Daniel was no where in sight. “Dan!” I called, walking over into the grass. “Daniel! Where the fuck are you?” I climbed onto the jungle gym thinking about Zack’s skateboard that was still sitting in my garage. I needed to return it to him… That’s when I saw a figure sitting on the ground behind a tree. “Dan?” I jumped off the jungle gym and walked over to him. “If you’re passed out drunk so help me… You’re gettin’ too old for this man. I can’t carry you to the ca-” I shut up as soon as I walked over to him.

He was white. Pale white. The street lights gave his eyes an eerie off color. The color was completely drained from his face and I felt the blood slip out of mine too. “Shit… Daniel…” I felt my nose start to sting and my eyes well up. The back of his head was caked in blood and some other exploded mass that I didn’t want to think about and he had a gun still laying limply in his hand. “Jesus. Not this,” my voice cracked as I fell to my knees. “Dan. Daniel. Wake up. Wake the fuck up.” I slapped his face but his unfocused eyes didn’t look at me. I was sobbing by now and punching him over and over in the chest. “Get up. Come on. Mother fucker! Get up!” But he was gone. He was dead. His brains were blasted all over that tree and there was a gaping hole in his forehead and my brother was dead.

I felt a twist in my stomach and before I could stop myself I turned and puked next to the tree, coughing and crying while I did. “You fucker,” I said, crying into my brother’s chest. “Why? Why’d you gotta do this to me, Dan?” I beat my fists into his chest and sobbed harder. “I hate you. I hate you so fucking much.” I was lying but that’s all I could say. He left me without even saying goodbye and without an explanation. My brother was gone.

When the cops and ambulance had finally taken control of the situation at the park they’d asked my parents to go to the hospital with them to talk about what to do with Dan’s body. My mother was crying all over my dad and he wasn’t speaking a word. He just looked… pained. I hadcalled them a little while after finding Daniel and screamed into the phone that my brother was dead. It felt like forever but it was probably only five minutes until my parents got to the park. My mom took one look at my brother and collapsed, falling into my arms.

“My boy!” she’d said, clapping her hand over her mouth. “Oh god, Peter! Do something!” My father had no idea what to do so he just stared in silence then called 911.

“Get in the car, Alex,” my mother said, climbing into the Volkswagen. “We’re going to the hospital.”

I didn’t look up at her. I just kept looking at my shoes which were caked in dirt.

“Alex, get in the car.”

I looked up at my mother then looked to my father and then I ran. I didn’t even take Dan’s car. I just ran. The last thing I heard was my mom shout my name and my dad telling her to let me go. I ran and ran with my face caked with dry tears and more were coming down steadily. My lungs hurt and my legs burned from the effort of running but I couldn’t stop.

“Fucking hell, Alex.” Jack was standing in the street in front of my house and hugged me as soon as he saw me.

“Let me go, man,” I mumbled into his shoulder. His grip around me just tightened. “That wasn’t Dan out there. I have to go find him. Let me go.”

“He’s gone, man. He’s gone.”

I shoved Jack off of me as hard as I could. “Shut the fuck up! Don’t tell me he’s gone!” I shoved both of my hands in my hair and screamed. “He’s not gone! You got it? Don’t say that! Don’t you ever say that!” I fell to the ground and put my face in my knees, sobbing all over again.

“It’s okay, man,” Jack said softly. He had knelt down next to me and hugged me again. I heard him take a shaky breath in. “I miss him too. So fucking much.” I heard Jack sniffle and the both of us sat there crying together.

I don’t know how long we stayed there but eventually Jack got me inside the house and left. “You promise you’re just going to bed, right?” Jack said, when he was about to leave my bedroom.

“Yeah. Don’t worry.”

“Alright… Call me if you wanna go out or something.”

I nodded numbly and laid down onto my bed and then he left. The time on the clock read 4:30AM. My parents were at my aunt’s house and staying there for the night and I was home alone. I was glad for the silence but I knew I wouldn’t sleep tonight. I was painfully wide awake.

“Alex.” Jasey’s voice startled me a bit. I was so far gone in my own thoughts that I didn’t hear her get on the roof or slide my window open. I sat up in bed and Jasey rushed over to me. She hugged me immediately and didn’t say a word. She just kept kissing my temple and kept her arms wrapped around me.

She hugged me tighter when a sob choked out from me. “Shit,” I said, pushing her away and putting my head in my hands. She rubbed my back gently and stayed seated next to me.

“It’s okay,” she said gently.

I sat up and faced her, tears streaming down my face. “No. No it’s not okay.” I was shaking my head furiously. “My brother is dead. It’s not okay.” I sobbed harder, still looking at her.

She put my face in her hands and with her this close I could tell she’d been crying earlier too. “I know it’s not but it’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to eventually say goodbye too. I know it’s soon but Dan wouldn’t want you to be sad forever.”

I shut my eyes, still crying and shook my head. “Babe, I cant,” I sobbed. I let myself fall forward, hiding my face into her shoulder. “Don’t make me. Please.”

She shushed me gently and I heard her sniffle. “I won’t. I wont make you. I’m sorry about all of this, Alex.” All I could do then was nod because things were terrible and I felt like dying but my girl was here and as long as she was with me I knew I’d at least still be able to breathe.

When I woke up all I could think about was the little flashback I had during the night. I wasn’t in my room sleeping next to Jasey. My brother was still dead and I still felt like shit. For the longest time after he died I’d thought he left without saying goodbye. There were countless nights when I’d call his cellphone drunk, convinced he’d still pick up and leave a long shouting message. Eventually his number was disconnected. I’d thought he left me without an explanation. The truth is he sort of had, I just didn’t realize it till much later.

“Hey,” he’d said two night before he died. “What’re you doing?”

I looked up from my notebook to him and shrugged. “Nothin’, just writing. You?”

“I’m going somewhere.”

I smiled. “Anywhere I can go?” Something I loved about Daniel was that he never yelled at me for being a tag along.

“Nah, not this time, buddy.”

I shrugged again. “What’s up?”

“Uh, nothin’.” He was rubbing the back of his neck nervously and I remember thinking it was odd at the time but other than that nothing triggered in my head that something might’ve been wrong. “You writing a song?” Now that I think about it all the small talk was probably because he didn’t know what to say to me exactly.

“Yeah,” I smiled. “I think it’s coming along really well.”

“Good to hear it. I’ve got a gut feeling that you’re gonna be the star of our family, kid,” he’d said with a smile.

I laughed. “Yeah, I hope.”

“Just… just remember to stay grounded, okay? Don’t let yourself get in over your head.”

I shrugged for the third time in this conversation, not knowing where he was really going with this. “Sure.”

“Just… be good, okay? And take care of that little one you’ve got there.”

I smiled at the mention of Jasey. “I try to.”

“Good because you’ve fucked around with a lot of chicks, bro, and none of them are ever gonna look at you like she does. You hear me?”

“I hear you. I hear you,” I said with a laugh. “What’s with the pep talk?”

“Nothin’. Just giving you some stuff to live by. Be good. Stay grounded. Take care of the people you love.”

“You got it.”

He nodded and sighed a bit then gave me a small smile. “Alright. See you around, kid. I’ve gotta run. I uh.. I love you and shit.”

I laughed. “You’re such a fag.”

He laughed back. “Probably.”

“But in any case I am too because I love you too, bro.”

He smiled. “I hope so.”

I guess it’s settling to know that even though I wasn’t able to save my brother I was able to tell him I loved him one last time before he died. The only thing that kills me is that sometimes I get a mental brick thrown at my head with big block letters painted on telling me to wake the fuck up and that’s when I remember that over the years I’ve become a pretty shallow person… Not at all the person Dan had said he loved in the doorway of my old bedroom. Be good. Stay grounded. Take care of the people you love. Sometimes I consider getting that tattooed on me because I sure as hell forget these three commandments way too often…