Jasey Rae

The band got signed Valentines Day of my senior year and what can I say? We were fucking ecstatic. It’d be wrong to be anything else but. The four of us guys had driven back to Jack’s house, our parents’ cars following behind us and we were feeling fucking victorious. I hardly got the car in park before I jumped out of the driver’s seat. “JASEY!” I shouted, knowing she’d hear me from her room. “JASEY RAE!”

She pushed her window up and stuck her head out. “You got it?”

“We got it!”

I remember her smile being maybe even bigger than my own as she shut the window and disappeared back into her house. She appeared a few seconds later flying out the front door running at me and I picked her up by the waist and spun her until we were both dizzy. “I told you so,” she said, smiling.

I kissed her, smiling. “Yeah. You’re always right.”

“HEY! YOU GUYS WANNA STOP MACKING RIGHT IN FRONT OF US AND GO OUT AND CELEBRATE?”

“Leave ‘em alone,” Rian said, clocking Jack in the back of the head. “You’re just mad ‘cause Bridget didn’t call you back last week.”

“Are you guys even going out?” Zack asked, leaning on the car.

Jack shrugged. “Dunno. We watch movies then have sex on her parent’s couch. Does that count?”

“I guess it might if you do that every other week,” Rian replied shrugging.

Jasey laughed while I wound an arm around her waist and kissed the top of her head then the five of us piled in the car and went to go find some food. I guess it says something about our personalities that instead of going out to eat to celebrate we all ducked into Rian’s basement and shoveled pizzas down our throats while Jack reenacted the whole meeting today at Hopeless Records. Kara, Rian’s girlfriend at the time, was there and so were a few other girls from our school. As far as I knew neither Jack or Zack dated exclusively but they had a few girls that they regularly hung out with. Rian and I had a secret pool going on to see when Jack would ask this girl Chelsea out from our school. He was crazy about her as much as he liked to fuck around with Bridget but Bridget didn’t really give him the time of day unless there was nothing good on TV.

“Hey! Hey! Stop that! Pay attention. I’m acting here!” Jack shouted at me when I started whispering in Jasey’s ear instead of watching him.

“Jack, you do realize I was there, right? I know what happened.” I smiled and stretched an arm behind the couch that I was sitting on.

“Yeah well, she wasn’t. You’re distracting her. It’s Valentines Day. You can fuck when you go home.”

I rolled my eyes and continued watching Jack’s little show but I couldn’t really concentrate because someone was drawing little circles on my chest with her fingers and that little someone was sitting promptly in my lap. We all ended up going home a little after one AM, all of us lying to our parents saying one was staying with another so the respected couples could spend the night with each other. Looking back now our parents probably knew what was up but they were kind enough to pretend they didn’t.

“Lock the door,” Jasey mumbled against my lips when we finally got back to my room.

I did so and tossed my hoodie to the ground before picking her up by the waist and carrying her over to the bed. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” I said, smiling. I kissed her again and she pulled me down by my shirt so I was hovering over her. “Hey. Take it easy on me there,” I said chuckling.

Jasey smiled as I pushed her bangs away from her face. I don’t think I could’ve been happier. “I love you,” I said with a small smile. I really meant it. Jasey’s face got a little warmer when I ran my thumb over her cheek.

“Mmm.” She hummed contently and I rolled us over so that she was laying on top of me. “I love you,” she echoed, kissing my chest and sliding her hands underneath my t-shirt while she did so.

“For how long?” I asked, arching my neck up so I could look at her. She rested her chin on my stomach for a second then slid her way back up to me so that she could give me a kiss.

“As long as you like,” she said with a smile.

“Forever?” I asked, running a hand through her hair.

She nodded and I smiled.

It’s hard to think why anyone who was so content with what they had could stray from it but life moves fast. Humans get jaded quickly. It’s hard to keep yourself leveled and grounded when you’re constantly running against yourself. It’s a fact. It’s not an excuse but it happens...

All Time Low started touring very quickly after we got signed. We still had one more semester of school left at that point but the moment school was out and we graduated we were flying into our van and on the road. It was all very shambolic to say the least but we were eighteen, had no idea what we were doing and loving every second of it. At first touring time was shorter than the time we were at home. I always came home with a story or five to share with my parents and with Jasey. Occasionally I even walked over to the park by myself, stood over by the last place I saw Dan and tried to tell him. Then touring got longer and coming home became rarer and at first the repercussions of that were in a way, positive. I’d come home, tell my mom and dad hello, then race out of the door and go to Jasey’s house where we’d acknowledge the fact that all teenagers are made out of are a bundle of hormones. Fuck, when I was home I didn’t even remember the three guys I considered my brothers. I’d been trapped in limited space with them for weeks at a time and was happy to just be with my girl and some air.

Eventually things on tour started to pick up. Our names were getting out there and we got the feeling we were on a roll. We started to tour with some bigger bands, opening up with Boys Like Girls for Cute Is What We Aim For and I felt on top of the world. We were invited onto Cute’s bus after all the shows where our strengths against alcohol were tested and my body constantly felt like it was on fire. I felt great. It came to a point where going home felt... boring. This life was new. It was completely different. I felt like a whole other person when I was in this world. Why would I want to go home? There was one thing keeping me anchored though and that was her. I was always happy to see her. I didn’t really notice a change in our relationship at all for the longest time. There’s no doubt in my mind that she did but she didn’t say anything because well, that’s how Jasey Rae is.

I guess it had something to do with the fact that I became obsessed with being out on the road all the time. I couldn’t get enough of my new lifestyle. When I wasn’t touring I was thinking or talking about touring and it was in my mind for every second. Jasey was always mercifully patient and never complained as I heard myself ramble on and on and on about the parties I went to, the people I met and I was happy for it because it meant I got to talk more! Sure, I’d invited Jasey to come on the road with us several times and a lot of the time she did but she was a person with her own life too. After summer was over she came with us less and less because she still had high school to graduate. The guys and I were out of Baltimore for most of the year and when we weren’t touring we were writing. I think it’s safe to say that we had our hands full.

A thing I started to notice with the parties we got invited to- on bus or not- was the girls. Fucking hell, I knew all the girls in my school like the back of my hand but I didn’t know that girls could look the way that some of these chicks looked like. Another thing I didn’t comprehend very well at first was how willing they were. Getting girls in high school wasn’t very difficult for me but these weren’t high school girls. These were experienced women that were pawing all over me. I think I just about froze myself to death that year with how many cold showers I was taking while on tour. It’s hard not to get tempted with anything. Hell, it’s hard not to get tempted when your mom leaves a plate of chocolate cookies on the table and tells you to wait till later to eat them. Temptation is hard to fight but phone calls with my girl helped keep me stable.

The itching want to be out of my hometown and back on the road grew worse and worse as I got more introduced to this new world of mine. I’d started growing impatient with suburbia and antsy for no reason. I think it’s that reason that caused the increasing amount of fights between me and Jasey.

“I don’t know what the hell you want from me, Jase!” I said, laying my head against the steering wheel.

“Oh my god, Alex. I didn’t even say anything! I was just saying you were zoning out again!”

“Yeah well, maybe that’s cause there’s nothing to fucking do in this town!”

“So you’re gonna blame me for it? What the hell do you want from me then, Alex?”

It was like this all the time now. The shouting. The arguing. Most of our fights sounded like this. They’d end with her storming off or me storming off and then by the end of the night one of us would cave and crawl through the window of the other’s room, only to apologize through whispered kisses and promise not to fight again. That promise never lasted very long. None of ours did anymore. I remember the last fight was the worst.

“You were always the one who said to do what made you happy and now you’re pissed at me for doing it?”

“Alex, I never said I was fucking pissed at you!” We were in her room, home alone, and fighting again.

“Yeah well you’re sure damn peachy today.”

She rolled her eyes at me and I wanted to tear my own hair out. “If you hate being here so much then stop being here then.” I knew she didn’t mean it, that she was almost sarcastic, but it sounded so good.

“Fine then,” I said, flatly.

She looked at me, turning her face away from the window which is where she’d been looking towards for the past few seconds. “What?”

“Fine. I won’t be. I only come home to see you anyways and I think we can both see how great that’s going.” Shut up. Take it back. I heard my conscience yell at me - oddly enough in the voice of my brother - but I shrugged it away.

Jasey jaw tightened the slightest bit and I knew what I said had hurt. “Fine,” she said, turning away from me. She took a book down from her shelf and sat on her bed with it, deciding to read instead of talk to me.

“Fine, what?” I asked. I wasn’t really sure what we just agreed to. I was leaving that night and was going to be gone for almost four weeks before a show would bring us back home. In total the tour would be going for almost three months. Part of me didn’t want to leave like this. That good and right part of me wanted to grab Jasey up and kiss her and apologize like every other time but there was another part of me that was whispering... Forget it. Good riddance. You’ll finally be free to do whatever the hell you want! No anchors! No burdens! Burden? I didn’t want to call Jasey a burden but that’s what being back in Maryland felt like. It’d begun to feel like a burden.

“Do whatever you want, Alex,” Jasey said not looking up from her book.

So I shook my head, running my fingers through my hair out of frustration and left. I just left.

The repercussions of that argument didn’t show itself until later that night. We’d been invited to a party- and to this day I still don’t even remember who it was hosted by- to celebrate the beginning of tour and I’d made it my job to get myself wasted as soon as possible. It didn’t take long because as soon as I uttered the words “Get me a fucking drink,” to Jack I was getting shots handed to me left and right. At one point I remember being blindfolded and getting several types of liquids poured into my mouth. Needless to say I was fucked up and the next morning was brutal and apparently during the night I’d gone through a little rant.

“Fuck girlfriends, man!” I remember shouting. I’m a real fucking retard when I’m drunk. I just remember feeling so far gone and wondering why I didn’t do things like this sooner. “What the hell do I need girls for? I’ve got Jack!” I laughed really loudly and I remember everyone else laughing with me. I was the fucking life of the party.

“Is that a no to all girls then?” someone said into my ear. I turned to see the bustiest blonde I’d ever met and I think my jaw literally dropped. She was in one of those halter top things looking like if she moved wrong it’d just... break. Her “skirt” (is it still considered a skirt if it’s that short?) was something that I’d never want to catch Jasey dead in but I was far gone enough to not really think all that much about it.

“Hi,” I said with a sloppy smile.

“Hi,” she said with a giggle. “You alright?”

“Yeah! I’m alright! I’m great! I’m fucking awesome!”

She laughed which at the time was a fucking ego boost. “You wanna go somewhere?” I should’ve known by the smirk on her face that this couldn’t end well but I nodded anyway while she took my hand and led me down a dark hallway. There was some whooping behind me as the girl lead me away from the party and to this day I still don’t remember how but we ended up in a bedroom. I’m surprised I remember anything at all with how hammered I got. What I do remember wasn’t anything short of a catalyst to chaos. I woke up the next morning, my head feeling like an airplane had run into it and with someone kissing my neck.

“Aw, Jase...” I said with a groan. I kept my eyes shut to keep from throwing up. My head was spinning. “I’m sorry, babe. My mouth runs when I’m being stupid and... Shit. My head doesn’t feel too good.”

“Was Jase your girlfriend?” an unfamiliar voice murmured into my collarbone.

I shot up, my eyes flying open and I regretted it immediately. The light coming in from the windows felt like little knives stabbing in my irises and God I just wanted to throw up. “Where am I?” I said, looking around frantically. I stumbled out of bed, realized I was naked, and groaned. “Aw, shit.”

The girl next to me giggled. “Good morning,” she said, sitting up. She wasn’t dressed either.

“No. Uh.” I put my hand out to block her... nudeness. “It’s not a good morning. Shit. My girlfriend’s gonna kill me, or kill you, actually.” I scrambled to find my clothes off the floor and pulled my boxers and jeans on.

Shirtless Girl giggled again. “You said you guys broke up last night.”

I shook my head. “No. That’s not possible. We don’t break up. We fight but-” I stopped talking. Who was this girl anyway? I remembered meeting her last night but hardly remembered sleeping with her. Hardly was the keyword here.

Shirtless Girl shrugged at me. “I dunno,” she said, stretching out on the bed. “You said something along the lines of her being a burden and you wanting nothing to do with it.”

I shook my head, grabbing my bandana off the ground and shoving it in my pocket then I walked towards the door. “Look, I’m sorry for whatever I said last night but I didn’t mean it. This was... This was wrong. I’ve got a girlfriend back home who loves me, who I love and I... I’m sorry.”

Shirtless Girl shrugged again. “It’s no problem. It doesn’t bother me any.”

“Right then...” Then I ran out of the room, tried to remember where the fuck I was and tried to find any of my bandmates.

“Jasey, listen to me,” I pleaded through Jack’s cellphone. Mine was MIA as far as I knew so I called her through his. I was confused though because as soon as she picked up she was screaming at me and I didn’t know if she was still pissed about yesterday or what.

“What do you want me to listen to, Alex?” The hurt was so thick in her voice and she was crying and shit... I wanted more than anything to just be with her so I could tell her that I was sorry for whatever it was that upset her and that I meant it. I couldn’t stand it when she cried. It killed me.

“Jase, just listen. Please?”

“Listen to what!” she screamed again. I cringed, the hangover making all sounds super sensitive. “I heard enough last night.”

“Last night?”

“You called me last night, remember?”

“Jasey,” I sighed. “I don’t remember ANYTHING from last night. What did I say?”

“You didn’t say anything, not to me at least.”

Oh shit. “What’re you talking about, Jase?” I laid my head against the wall in front of me and sighed again.

“I don’t know if that call was an accident but I sure hope to God it was because if not you’re real low, Alex Gaskarth.”

I was beating my head against the wall lightly now, still not understanding what she was saying. “Jasey,” I said softly. “Will you please tell me what I said then?” She choked out a sob and my heart broke. “Shit... Jase?”

“You called me in the middle of it!” she screamed into the phone. I heard a little beep then looked at the screen and realized she hung up.

I called her in the middle of it?! “Holy shit...” I said, banging my head against the wall again.

“Bro, we found your phone. Angie had it.”

“Who’s Angie?” I said, keeping my forehead against the wall but turning enough so I could get my phone from Jack.

“That girl you apparently slept with last night.”

“You didn’t think... for one second... maybe you should’ve I don’t know... stop me from going into a bedroom with some girl last night, Jack?”

“Don’t look at me, alright? I threw up into some chick’s boots last night.”

I nodded. I was fucked. With my phone back in my possession I looked through it and indeed, I had called Jasey in “the middle of it”. I was pretty sure it was an accident being that a) no matter how drunk I don’t think I’d call my girlfriend as I was cheating on her and b) my phone’s touchscreen made it a compulsive butt-dialer. I called Jasey everyday until I got a day off a week later. She didn’t answer my calls and hung up when she realized it was me if I called from anyone else’s phone but I figured she couldn’t ignore me if we were face to face. I underestimated her stubbornness.

“Jasey Rae, please talk to me,” I said, for the hundredth time that hour. I was spinning in her computer chair and she was on her bed reading Wuthering Heights. “Jasey, you don’t even like that book. I quote ‘The characters are petty and stubborn and shallow and it’s just too sad’.” She continued ignoring me. “How long are you gonna keep ignoring me for, Jase? How long are you gonna keep being mad at me?”

She finally put the book down. “Did you expect me to see you and jump up and down with joy?”

“No. I expected you to yell at me.”

“Well, I don’t want to.”

I groaned as she picked the book back up. “Jasey, please. Just-”

“Go away, Alex,” she said without looking up.

“So that’s it then? We’re just gonna leave it like this?” I asked, standing up. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair at the same time.

“I guess so,” she said nonchalantly.

I sat on the edge of the bed and took the book out of her hands, laying it to the side. “Jasey, I’m sorry. I said I was sorry. Don’t you believe me?” She wouldn’t look at me and when I tried to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear she batted my hand away. I sighed. “You’re my biggest priority and I love you to death and back. Jasey, I’m sorry. What more do you want me to say?”

She looked at me then and her eyes were welled up with angry tears. “I want you to say goodbye and to get out of my room,” she said firmly.

I ran my thumbs over her eyes to wipe the tears away. “Jase d-don’t cry. Shit... Please don’t cry.” I moved my thumb to caress her cheek but she turned her face away fro me. “I made a mistake. A drunken mistake it won’t-”

“But it will,” she said, looking back at me. “All we do is fight now and that’s because I’m not your biggest priority. I never asked to be. But you can’t handle juggling everything at once. Put your attention to what you love and just concentrate on it. I can’t keep doing this, Alex. I can’t.” She was crying a little more now, her voice shaking and my fingers kept wiping at her eyes.

“Jasey you are what I love. I said that. Why won’t you just-”

“You slipped up. I get it. But Alex, did you ever stop to think why you slipped up? Drinking doesn’t do that, Alex. It’s because for a moment of your life you wanted to be anywhere else but here and that’s all there is to it. You don’t want to be here, Alex. I can see it more and more every time you come home and guess what? That’s fucking alright.”

My eyebrows were furrowed to the point that I thought my forehead muscles were gonna cramp. “But I’m here now.”

“But you won’t be and I don’t want you to be. You don’t have to come home to your burdens anymore.”

I cringed at her word usage. “Jasey, don’t do this. This is just another fight we’re having, albeit for a bigger reason but-”

She shook her head at me.

“This.... This is just another fight we’re having... Right?” I asked timidly. I didn’t want to know the answer.

“I can’t do this anymore,” she said quietly, looking at me.

I didn’t say anything and we just stared at each other for a few seconds before Jasey got off her bed and walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind her. I heard the lock flip and her slide down against the door so I followed suit and sat by the door on the other side. “I’m not leaving, you know.” She didn’t reply so I just sat there. I sat there until midnight which was all the time I had. I wasn’t even supposed to be back in Baltimore but I’d begged Flyzik and begged Keith and got until midnight. “I’ve gotta go, Jase,” I said to the door. “I’ve got to catch a flight in an hour. Please come out?”

She didn’t reply.

“Jasey,” I sighed. “I won’t be home until next month.”

Still no reply. I was beginning to think she’d done something to herself in there but I knew Jasey and she wasn’t like that.

“Just... I love you, okay? I promised, remember? I’ll call you from the road just... Wait. Okay? Don’t do anything. Just please wait until I come home next?” I put my hand to the door wishing that I could be kissing her goodbye instead of leaving like this, then I got up and left. I asked her to wait. I hoped that she would wait but sometimes wishful thinking gets you nowhere. When I came back from tour a month later she was gone.