Turn That Smile Upside Down

It begins

The cop car escorted the long line of cars following the motionless body of my mother in the hearse. Rain was just beading off the window, just as one single tear had done while it escaped from my eye. I turned away from the man who had claimed himself to be my father. "Crying is for little bitches" he had spotted the fact that I was crying, but of course crying to him wasnt acceptable, but today I didnt much care. " OKAY! you fat fuck! I no longer have to deal with you for my mothers happiness, so for all I care you can drop dead right now.. we are on the way to a cemetary" he fell silent but kept a strong glare at me, not seconds later did I have a dark blue and black circle around my eye. " So you gonna tell me to drop dead again?" he seemed to get self pride from hitting a 17 year old guy.. maybe it was a mid-life crisis.. I never got it..
I stepped out from the limo that had brought us to the grave site, I tilted my head up towards the sky so the rain could hide my tears. I stood motionless and let the ceremony begin. After it ended I didnt move from the grave, I was completely overwhelmed by the fact my only mother and life support I had left was gone.
Twenty minutes later everyone had left me standing there, my shirt and jeans were now completely soaked through and my hair was stuck to my face. I couldnt stop stairing at the stone with my moms name etched in it. " Jayden? are you ok?" I heard a familiar voice approaching me in the background. " Dude.. its Zane..you ok?.." Zane tried to pull my face away from looking at the grave stone, but I shook my out of his grip. " I... I just...cant believe... sh-" I couldn't even finish the sentence by now. The tears had completely taken over and my knees gave out and I dropped to the ground. " Jay.. come on.. your gonna get really sick if you dont get out of the rain now" Zane tried to pull me up from the ground. " No.. Let me get sick! I dont care! I want to die! I cant live now, my mom was the only person who could keep me fucking sane.." I replayed what I had just practically yelled, and realized what I just said, Zane's eyes were full of hurt and disbelief. " I'm sorry you know what I meant, honestly, like you can even blame me for ranting! I just lost my fucking mother!" and yet again I let all of the hurt and pain take over what I was saying, and with out even knowing it, I just hurt my best friend who had saved my life twice before. He was my only "family" I had left on this forsaken planet and I just hurt him, how else can I fuck up?