Turn That Smile Upside Down


" Jay we need to talk.. I don't want you throwing away your life.." Zane looked at me expecting me to just open up and say every little thing I was feeling. But I couldn't find my voice, it seemed as though someone had cut my vocal chords and I was a voiceless person. I could only sit and stare at the ground. It brought me back to when I was ten, my mom and I just sitting in the park and talking about how my day was going, she would just sit there on the ground had me sitting in her lap and just listen, I would tell her all my troubles. We would usually talk for hours on end, I remember she was the greatest mom any one could ask for. But then as the years of her being sick went on, she became more distant, she tried her hardest to try to stay the same for me, so it was as if nothing was wrong, but I could see it in her eyes, they became dull. Her once vibrant green eyes seemed to be more grey, and her hours of listening became her falling asleep when I was in mid sentence, and then I would put her on my bed instead of staying on the chair I had in my room. I started to remember me trying to keep her comfortable as I began to know the severity of how sick she was, and how she kept insisting she okay and that she would get better. I knew she was only trying to make me think nothing bad would ever happen in life.. I was only 13 when the sickness started to win, so now being older I do understand why she tried to hide it from me. My days of childhood became me trying to keep me and mother almost attached at the hip, I was scared of losing her, she was my life line and I was afraid of losing her.
I remember Zane coming over after school days to help me, he loved her almost as much as I did, seeing as how his mother had ran out on him when he was younger, he had no real memory of a mother, besides my mom. We all sat together and played board games because they were easy for my mother to play, but even then it became difficult.
"Jay..." Zane touched my shoulder and I jumped.. It felt as though I almost was sitting with my mother and him playing a board game again.. But I was pulled back into reality..
" what?.." I squeezed out a tiny voice almost not audible.
He just starred at me and with out warning just wiped my face with his hand, I wasn't sure why, then I realized I was crying again. I felt so feminine that I was crying so much, that I had lost control of my emotions. Well I couldn't find my emotions having lost my mother and close to losing my friend. but at the same time I didn't want to it was almost as it I had craved extra attention.
We got off the floor and he got me to a extra room at his place. I just sat in the bed and starred at the wall.. the temptation of letting go was so strong... It was almost over whelming. The chair in the corner was almost in perfect place under a beam going across the sealing.. I went over to test the beam.. it was as strong as could be.. the drapes near the window were strong.. I made a small loop.. and through it over the beam.. I starred at the wall for a long while.. then.. I jumped..