Sing Me To Sleep

Alex’s head was buzzing. What the hell was he supposed to do? Katy was out there, acting like she just wanted to carry on. Carry on? The word hit Alex’s numb brain dumbly, trying to fit in, to find its shape where it no longer belonged.

He shouldn’t have come. He should have called up Jack and told him that he was sick. Was it too late to do that now? He sighed. Of course it was too late to do that now. He couldn’t cut himself off from his friends. He had to face it full on.

…But what about Katy? Could he still be as close as he was with her without getting carried away? It seemed almost impossible now.

He switched the cold tap on, plugging the sink and gripping the sides of the basin as he waited for it to fill up. When it was full, he turned the tap off and splashed his face several times with the cold water before dying his face and emptying the sink. He set his face into one of determination and reached for the door handle, silently opening it to make his way back to the living room.

He made his movements silent, for a reason he didn’t know, but when he heard voices in the kitchen he stopped dead. He recognised it at Cassadee and Jack, Curious, he leant on the wall beside the entrance to the kitchen.

“Will you keep your voice down?!” Jack hissed at her, slamming something down on the counter. “They’re gonna fucking hear you!”

“Oh, let them hear me!” Cassadee said, but whispered all the same. “You know what, Jack? I’m beginning to think you don’t even care. You don’t care that she’s doing this, causing damage to herself.”

Alex’s interest peaked.

“Of course I fucking care!” Jack snapped back without hesitation. “How can you say that, Cass?”

“You just brush over it like it’s not big fucking deal!” Alex felt his palms sweating. He had no idea why, but he was pretty sure they were talking about Katy. It sounded serious, and that worried him. That worried him a lot. Worried him a lot more than whether or not their friendship was going to survive because Alex might not be able to keep it in his pants. Was this something to do with the boy Katy was in love with?

“She scars herself, Jack!” Cassadee sounded on the brink of tears, and Alex’s heart hammered. He hoped that Cassadee didn’t mean what Alex thought Cassadee meant. Oh God, he prayed she didn’t. “She cuts her fucking arms open! And for what? For him! Because he doesn’t love her; because he leads her on.” Alex’s stomach dropped. Cassadee started sobbing, and they became muffled a moment later. Alex guessed Jack had pulled her into a hug. He wished someone would give himself a hug right now. His best friend was… was… was self-harming. Because of that boy. He crumbled.

There was movement in the kitchen. Alex squeezed his eyes closed to get rid of the unshed tears threatening to leak and quickly made his way back to the living room where he found Zack and Katy throwing popcorn at each other.

“Ugh! Zack! That went in my hair, you fuck!” she complained, fiddling with the sticky treat in the back of her hair. Zack just laughed, and then caught Alex’s eye.

“Oh, hey bro,” he said, sobering up. “You good?”

“Great,” Alex lied, padding over to the double duvet where Katy sat, quickly disentangling the piece of pop corn from her hair. “So, what film are we watching?”

Katy looked at him, searching his expression. He knew what she was doing, so he painted a light smile on his face. She beamed back, and looked down to where the DVD she had chosen was.

“Well, you took too long in the bathroom, so I picked Saw two… and you know that I’m a wimp when it comes to these films, so you’re going to sit here with me whilst we watch it and snuggle with me,” she told him matter of fact-ly, patting the space next to her.

“Can do,” Alex told her, smiling.

“Good.” She nodded as if to confirm her point.

Half an hour later and everybody was back in the living room, dressed in their pyjamas and sitting on the quilts. Cassadee was glaring at Alex and Katy, and Alex was holding onto Katy like she would disappear at any moment. There was a hard look on his face, and Katy knew it. She knew he wasn’t having fun. There was something wrong. She panicked. Had she fucked everything up?

She ignored the stabbing pains in her chest and her thoughts and tried to focus on the movie. She wasn’t even getting scared of the fuckin’ creepy Jigsaw puppet thing because she was so worried about the state of her friendship with Alex.

What if this was the last time she and Alex would be like this? They weren’t even really okay, even right now.

Katy kind of just wished the world would open and swallow her whole because this fucking sucked, and now the familiar longing to create the marks on her skin, to watch beads of blood drip down her arm, and then the slightly deeper ones, the ones that bled for longer, heavier. Her forearms were itching for it, the scabbing cuts begging to be scratched, the blood underneath boiling to get out. It was uncomfortable. Maybe she’d go as far to say it physically hurt. Her fingers absently traced the long sleeves shielding the cuts from everyone’s eyes, her eyes loosely fixed on the screen. Just tracing the cuts gave her some sort of release. It would do for now, but later on, when everyone was asleep, she’d have to scratch the cuts open.

Alex caught Katy’s fingers dancing over her sleeves and his stomach dropped. Her small fingers traced straight, short lines, some crossing over each other, some going vertical, and some horizontal, diagonal. It was true. Oh God, it was true. He could feel the blood drain from his face as the corner of Katy’s mouth pulled up in a warped smile, and a lone tear quietly fell down his cheek. He closed his eyes and leant back. He could feel Katy’s eyes on his face.

“’M’sleepy,” he mumbled, curling up. She nodded woodenly, curling into his embrace. He pressed a long kiss to the top of her head before squeezing her once and entangling their legs.

And despite the nap Alex had had earlier, he quickly fell asleep, his heart aching with worry for his younger best friend.