Walking on Clouds

Jenna just stared at nothing for a long while, lost in her thoughts. I sat quietly, waiting until she was ready to tell me what was wrong. As I waited, I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes. She knew I wasn’t asleep.

Finally I heard her sigh, and I opened my eyes and looked at her. She opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again. Jenna’s head fell as she looked at the bed between us, her glossy red hair falling over her face. Then after another moment, she lifted her head again, and tucked her hair behind her ear. Her green eyes were fierce, and I knew she was ready to tell me.

“My parents are getting a divorce. They told us two days ago,” Jenna said flat out. I blinked in surprise. I knew about her parent’s constant fighting—hell, they didn’t even stop when guests were over, though it was a bit mellowed—but they had been fighting since we were both in third grade. That was eight years ago.

“Why now?” I asked. Jenna’s smiled sarcastically, and I was taken aback. It was an expression rarely seen on her, even towards her parents, whose fighting must have gotten tiresome long ago.

“They finally realized that all their arguing was not a sign they were still in love. They realized that all their fighting wasn’t the playful banter it had been when they had been dating,” Jenna said, that smile still on her face. “Or so they said.”

“Do you think there may be some sort of reason other than that?” I asked. Their reason didn’t sound very… convincing. Jenna seemed to think that, too, from the way she was acting. But then her expression changed, and she looked cautious.

“Oh no, not at all. My parents are just like that.” I did believe what she said. Both of Jenna’s parents were total sweethearts…separately. And they were odd, so I didn’t question her further on them. “I’m just a bit mad at them.” Jenna started trembling, and I figured she was more than a bit mad. For a second, I thought she might cry, but as I looked into her eyes, there were no traces of tears. Instead they gazed solidly back at me, a burning intensity behind them.

“What—” I tried questioning her further, but she put her hand up to stop me. She didn’t need to be prodded to tell.

“After eight years of their arguing, they made us believe that they would never get a divorce. They let us believe that no matter how much they argued, nothing would break them apart. And it’s tearing our family apart.” At that moment Jenna looked so desperate and helpless, and it broke my heart. My strong friend who hadn’t cried in years looked so close to breaking, so fragile. “Olivia is acting as if she’s in a dream. She rarely talks now, and when she does, her voice has a dreamlike quality. For heaven’s sake, she’s only four! She’s never known anything but their arguing. She probably thinks that every family is like that.

Christopher has been sitting in his bedroom, on the floor, staring at the wall. I checked up on him every hour yesterday and earlier today, and that’s all he did. He hasn’t eaten a thing in two days, and he’s been sleeping sitting up against his bed. I tried to feed him a few times but he just ignored me and pressed his lips together. What am I to do? Tackle him to the ground and force his mouth open? Or leave him alone and hope my twelve-year-old brother doesn’t starve himself to death?

Jared is just sitting on the couch watching TV and eating junk food. Then at night he goes into his room and cries. I looked in on him once, and he was lying on top of the comforter just crying. When I tried to comfort him he shoved a pillow in my face and pushed me out the door, locking it. I’ve been falling asleep these past few nights listening to my nineteen-year-old brother cry. And cry. And cry. He’s going to college in the fall! I haven’t seen him cry since he cut his head open in first grade. It’s absolutely terrifying, and it seems like I can’t do a thing to help anyone in my family.” I couldn’t stop her; all I could do was listen and let her let it all out. “And they don’t know. They don’t care. Neither of my parents has noticed how everyone’s been acting. They’ve been too busy with lawyers, figuring out who gets what, who’s keeping the house, searching for another one, and so on.” Jenna raised her arms in a “what can I possibly do?” gesture, and then let them fall. I couldn’t stand it anymore; I leaned over and hugged her.

Jenna was so strong, and it hurt me so much. She was watching her family fall apart, and still she hadn’t shed a tear. She had acted pretty normal so people wouldn’t worry about her. She was trying to hold her family together. And what did she get? Not even the relief of crying. I wanted to cry for her, but that wouldn’t be right. What right did I have to cry if she wouldn’t? I wasn’t the one with all these problems. But it still hurt.

Her trembling lessened and eventually stopped as I held her in my arms. After a couple minutes she pulled away, and she looked tired, drained, and terribly sad. She had more bad news.

“That’s not the worst of it…” Jenna trailed off. Sighing, she continued. “I’m sorry. I never told you this, but Kaleb has been doing drugs since we were in seventh grade.” I leaned back in shock. Jenna and Kaleb were twins and really close to each other. I couldn’t even begin to understand the pain she must have been going through. “Jared, Christopher, and I found out about it and tried to stop him, but he wouldn’t listen. We all agreed not to tell our parents; Kaleb had been especially sensitive to all their arguing and we didn’t want to add fuel to the fire. Up until they told us about the divorce, we had still been trying to talk him out of it, but nothing would work. The best we could get was him to not be too stupid about it—like hurt himself or someone else—and tell us where he was at all times as long as we didn’t tell anyone.” She paused, and I ventured a question.

“Is it alright for you to tell me all of this?” Jenna smiled sadly again.

“I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. Kaleb ran away. He was fighting with our parents when they told us, and then he ran up to his room. When I went to check on him he wasn’t there. I looked all over the house and around it, and later I got Jared and Christopher to help search for him. No one was able to find him. That’s the main reason why they’re so upset. And you know what? Our parents haven’t noticed anything! They’re completely oblivious.” Jenna’s green eyes were misty, and I realized that this was the first time in a very long time that she looked like she was going to cry. But no, she held it together.

“It’s my fault you know,” she whispered, and continued on before I could contradict her. “I was the only one who could have stopped him. And Jared and Chris know that. That’s why they won’t let me help them. They’re upset about our parents, but they’re even more upset about Kaleb. He’s so unpredictable; he could kill himself with an overdose or something. Only I could have stopped him. Everything is my fault. You know when I broke that robin’s egg today? I was dazed because it was just like our family. I broke them both.” It was unbearable, how much hurt Jenna was going through. I hugged her again.

“Of course that’s not true,” I whispered in her ear. Then I felt Jenna go limp in my arms. I pulled back and saw that she had fainted; it was just too much, even for someone as strong as she was. And still she did not cry. I myself was a coward and would run away from all my problems before I got hurt. But Jenna would just let the pain and hurt build up inside of her, never asking for help or crying or anything.

I pulled a blanket over her and sat on the floor, closing my eyes and thinking of how I could help. This time I could not run away; I had to go forward with Jenna, feel her pain, and try to get rid of it. And if she wasn’t going to cry, neither was I.

It must have been hours later, but eventually I must have fallen asleep. When I woke up, there was sunlight coming through the windows, and I saw the bed was empty. I got up and walked to it, where I found a note Jenna must have written. It read:

Zoe,

I’m sorry for leaving and for dumping all this on you. Thank you so much for listening. Please don’t worry about me; I’ll be fine. I’ve been away from my family for too long, though, and I need to go back and try to make things right. I’ll call you later.

Jenna

I set her note down and looked out the window. Jenna must have left sometime during the night because the sun was just coming up. The sky was a mirage of pink and purple with clouds shooting out in every which way. They were all scattered, and I couldn’t make out what any of them were.