How to Be: Silent

I was sitting in guitar class with Lex, texting Sam. Lex is a little edgier than our other friends- she plays guitar and smokes and stuff. But she's really smart. She's got, like, a 3.8 GPA. Anyway, she wanted me to take guitar with her because, like, part of the curriculum is to perform in pairs in front of the class. And, obviously, she'd rather do something like that with a friend than some random guitar kid.

"Sam just told me that he said Maggie's name the other night when he and Rachael were... you know..." I whispered, looking at the text message.

"Really??" Lex said back, letting herself be interested and she leaned over to look at the text herself.

"Yeah. Wow, this is even worse than I realized. Poor Rachael!" I whispered, feeling terrible.

"It's not actually the end of the world, Sylv," Lexi said, rolling her eyes. I kept looking at the text message and thinking about Rachael must have felt; having... sex with someone and then hearing them say someone else's name?

"You are such a virgin," Lex scoffed softly. I looked at her and she gave me a small, but very kind smile. Fine, so I'm a virgin. It doesn't make me any less... I dunno. Less understanding of stuff.

"Sylvia?" Mr. Phelps called my attention. In a flash, I had my cell stashed back in my purse.

"... yes?" I asked, feeling embarrassed.

"The G major chord? Please?" He prompted, waving his hand in an impatient circle. I blinked and fumbled with the guitar on my lap. I positioned my fingers, glancing back and forth between my right hand and left hand, and then strummed the strings.

"... not quite," Mr. Phelps said. He coached me through better hand positioning, and I felt embarrassment flush up my neck. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd do anything for my friends... but I hate being in guitar class. I suck at the guitar. And I hate, hate, hate sucking at things.

"Pay closer attention girls," Mr. Phelps lightly scolded both Lex and me. I tried to breathe and calm down the hot blush in my cheeks.

"Don't faint," Lex murmured to me, making my embarrassment only slightly worse. I shot her a quick look and then continued to go through a breathing exercise to calm me down.

"... Lex, what do you think I should say to Rachael?" I asked suddenly, in the quietest whisper I could manage but still be audible to Lex.

"How should I know?" Lex asked me back, surprised that I was asking her. I was surprised at myself too: I don't know why I was asking for her help...

"I dunno. Don't you think-" I began to say.

"Sylvia. Alexandra. Please," Mr. Phelps said, his voice exasperated. We shut up. I struggled along with the lesson, hearing Lex unfairly catch the chords with ease.

I heard my cell phone buzz. I glanced down at my purse, worrying about Sam and Rachael. God, poor Rachael...

"Lex? Do you think, maybe, Sam should break up with Rachael? I mean, maybe it'd be better for everyone if Sam and Maggie got back together," I whispered. Lex looked at me, her expression serious as she thought over what I was saying.

"Like, what if Maggie and Sam are meant to be together?" I whispered. Lex rolled her eyes. She doesn't believe in 'meant to be together's.

"No think about! I-"

"I have an idea. Let's do a little partner re-arrangement. Just to spice things up," Mr. Phelps said pleasantly. But he had an edge in his voice that was directed at me and Lex.

"Sylvia? You can go and sit with Colin," Mr. Phelps gestured to the back of the room. "And Derek? You can come up here and sit with Alexandra. Since you can't seem to stop commentating either," Mr. Phelps said.

I turned around in my seat, feeling embarrassment flush up into my cheeks. Derek, a tall boy with long black hair and snakebite piercings on his lip, was standing up and looking pissed off. I glanced at Lex who raised her eyebrows at me, just as displeased about the situation. I stood up and took my purse and my guitar to go sit with Derek's old partner, Colin.

Colin watched the switch of his partners with a bewildered, slightly panicked look on his face. I walked over to him and sat down in Derek's old chair. My face was bright red and I could feel my heart racing. The thing was, it didn't stop racing even after Mr. Phelps started the class again and had moved on to dominant sevenths chords.

My heart was still pounding away in its chest, like I was still on the spot with all eyes on me. I fiddled with my guitar on my lap and glanced at Colin. I realized I was panicking because I was sitting with some guy that I knew nothing about, who might need to be my new life line in guitar class. I looked Colin over, staring at him as subtly as I could, and try to figure him out a little.

I'd never paid attention to him before. He didn't run in my circle of my friends, not by a long shot. In fact, I didn't know who he hung out with. I knew Derek hung out with some of the other emo kids in our grade, but Colin... I didn't even know there was a guy named Colin in our grade.

He was tall (I think) and he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt that fit his very lean frame nicely. I wouldn't say he was skinny. No, he wasn't skinny- he was lean. But he had a skinny air about him. He had his hair cut very close to his head, but there was just enough of it so that I could tell he had naturally light brown hair. His face was long and kind of sleepy looking. Actually he had this very... kind face. It was introspective and sweet. He had straight, soft features, and brown eyes. And incredible eyelashes, holy smoke. I was immediately jealous of those eyelashes, and that surprised me.

I guess I inspected at him a little too long, because he glanced at me, feeling my stare. Those brown eyes seemed a little fearful (probably because I'd been gaping at him and his eyelashes) and the second he was looking at me I quickly looked away.

I tried to pay attention to Mr. Phelps, but it was incredibly hard. I occasionally plead pathetically for Lex's help during class and I definitely didn't feel comfortable begging Colin for help. I've never spoken to him before. Plus, half of my mind was still thinking about Rachael.

When class ended (and everyone had put the school's guitars away in the guitar closet), I grabbed my purse and scuttled over to Mr. Phelps.

"Mr. Phelps? Can I talk to you please?" I began. Mr. Phelps was stooped over and sorting through a large, messy pile of papers. He glanced up at me.

"Make it quick, Sylvia," He said. I glanced at Lex, who was waiting for me by the door. She widened her eyes and nodded, encouraging me to talk to Mr. Phelps.

"Listen, I'm really sorry about talking in your class. I've learned my lesson. Really," I said.

"Oh? And what lesson is that?" Mr. Phelps asked curiously, glancing at me again and then looking back at his papers.

"Don't talk when you should be playing music," I recited.

"... mmm. Not quite, Sylvia," Mr. Phelps said with a melancholy chuckle. I felt a hot blush on my cheeks. Mr. Phelps isn't unkind exactly, but he is the only teacher I've come across who can make me feel like a dumb ass. And I hate that so much! But it's not so much that I hate him for making me feel that way, I hate myself for just... being a dumb ass.

"Ok, but, Mr. Phelps please can I sit with Lex again?" I asked.

"Sylvia. If I let you sit with Alexandra you will inevitably begin talking to her again," Mr. Phelps sighed resignedly.

"No! I won't!" I promised. Mr. Phelps shot me a rather severe look that said 'yeah right'. I bit my lip, feeling a bit panicked.

"Well... can we still be partners for the end performance project?" I asked. Mr. Phelps suddenly stood up and cracked his papers against the desk, straightening them. He looked right at me.

"Sylvia, I'm not trying to be harsh, but now that I think about it I really believe you would benefit from not being partners with your friend," He said. My heart was pounding.

"In fact, I think Colin is a perfect match for you," Mr. Phelps said with a big, abrupt smile.

"Mr. Phelps-" I began to protest.

"End of discussion," He told me.

"But Mr. Phelps-" I went on. Mr. Phelps was suddenly chuckling.

"Sylvia? The matter is closed. You may go," He dismissed me and walked into his office. I started to walk after him and then lost my will. I groaned and looked up at the ceiling. I walked over to Lex. She raised her eyebrows at me.

"Well? Did he switch us back?" Lex wanted to know.

"No! He wouldn't even hear me out! It was like he already had his mind completely made up," I said, exasperated as we walked out of the classroom.

"What? That's fucked," Lex frowned as we walked down the hall.

"Yeah! He was all 'it would benefit you to not be partners with your friend'. Like, how can I benefit from that? By meeting new people??" I demanded rhetorically.

"This isn't eHarmony," Lex agreed, making me giggle sadly.

"Oh! And then he was like 'Colin is actually a great match for you'. What could that mean??" I wondered unhappily.

"I have no idea. I didn't even know that there was a kid named Colin in our grade-"

"Right?? I don't want to be a snob or anything but... anyway, I don't get it. And I already was only passing this course because of you. I don't know what am I gonna do without your help!" I fretted.

"Don't worry. You'll figure it out, Sylv, you always do," Lex assured me. I sighed and pulled my cell out from my purse.

"Anyway, I can't think about that right now. I have to go find Rachael," I said, scrolling through my contacts to text Sam.

"K. You're on your own," Lex ducked out.

"K, bye," I said, already typing out a message that I needed to talk to Rachael so go hang out with the guys...