Xanax

Frank Iero sat at his desk, near the desk of his third period science teacher. The sixteen year old grinned at the name plate that read ‘Gerard Way’, which he thought looked ridiculously official, perfectly straight and orderly and sitting at the man clad in a sweater vest’s desk. Frankie wondered if in fact that name plate made Mr. Way feel significant. The boy gnawed at the lip ring he had just recently pierced himself, sorta of a going away celebrational fuck you to his parents for taking him to Stony Lodge School for Troubled Teens.

His eyes traveled up from the name plate to be met with his teachers face once again. Today is Frankie’s first day at this school and fourth at his residency. More significantly, his first class with Mr. Way. His teacher, to Frankie, didn’t appear to look contended, which the boy could sympathize with because yeah Stony Lodge was a fucked place to be. Upon further examination, Frankie drew that Mr. Way looked to be in his late twenties early thirties, but had cherubic features.

The two of them could not quit catching the other’s gaze. Mr. Way swiftly scrunched his mouth and averted his sight from the boy sitting almost directly in front of him, back down to his desk, where it rightfully should not leave again. Mr. Way told himself this many times over the span of his third hour long science class of the day. For the first time in Mr. Way’s career. He wished he was in front of his class giving a lecture about the theory of evolution.

Hell. Right now the man would settle for teaching sexual education. Because, Really? The anxiety of that, which Mr. Way would always want to avoid by giving his students busy work i.e. right now, was now one hundred percent appealing. At least then this boy would have good reason to have his eyes on his teacher. And if Mr. Way was talking to his class on say, Charles Darwin’s discovery of natural selection, the poor man might be able to ignore Frankie’s incriminating examination.

Currently winding up Mr. Way to go right into an actual anxiety attack in front of his entire class. But, you know. As long as Mr. Way just promises to keep himself focused on Jericka Watson, Period 2, C,A,B,C, nope wrong D,He won’t have to open that little wooden drawer in front of his knee and swallow his entire prescription of Xanax. For what must have been the tenth time, Mr. Way senses the boy’s eyes on him and he can’t resist looking up at him.

To be fair, Frankie hadn’t intended to torture his teacher like he is. What began as a curious glance soon turned into Frankie not being able to keep his eyes off Mr. Way. Every time the two male’s eyes would lock in the silence of the second floor classroom, each would sport red cheeks and thumping hearts. Both teacher and student found themselves compelled to each other. Somehow, even if that made them sound insane. It became an addictive compulsion.

Frankie noticed that it bothered Mr. Way very much to be given this much attention, even if he was still staring back, which only fueled Frankie to continue looking. Frankie found it very awkward that he wanted to stare at Mr. Way. Frankie wanted to know him now. Frankie is drawn to his teacher, who right now, is obscurely sweaty and fidgety. Mr. Way lets out a not so very quiet whine in the very quiet room, when he found the boy and him once again staring at each other.

The class was started by such a shrill noise and the teacher had even more eyes, besides Frankie’s, on him. Mr Way’s body now dripping with sweat, he pushes his messy soaked mop of jet black hair, off his face and massages his temples. Frankie’s eyes are glued onto Mr. Way, and Mr. Way knows this. Abruptly, Mr Way rips open the drawer, and jumps out of his chair. If the teacher didn’t already, he now had the entire class’s speculating eyes on him.

“Mr. Way, are you okay?” a girl with long black hair, sitting two rows over from Frankie asked. “Oh my god, you’re, you’re covered in sweat!” another student proclaimed. Frankie’s heart thudded in his chest. No way, I couldn’t have done this to him. But did I? Gerard lets out another unsettling cry for air. He snatches his medication and the students watch as Mr. Way runs out of the classroom. Frank got out of his seat and followed Mr. Way out the door. The boy turned his head in both directions, to see which way Mr. Way went, he was panting and frantically running into the men’s room.

Frank ran down the hall to catch up with Mr. Way. When Mr. Way had finally made it, he had to steady himself by placing his hands on a bathroom sink, hastily popping two of his pills into his mouth. Mr. Way watched the reflection showing his adam’s apple bob down, as he swallowed what he hope would bring him some much needed relief. With Mr. Way hunched over the sink, trying to catch his breath, Frankie burst into the men’s room. Mr. Way took a sharp intake of breath and whipped his head around to see who had come in on him.

Frankie could see the dire panic on Mr. Way’s face when he realized who it was. Mr. Way backed up away from the sinks, as Frankie rushed towards him. Mr. Way tried to back himself in a stall and lock the door, Frankie grabbed the handle before Mr. Way could make it inside. Frankie once again, stared at Mr. Way. With fear and panic, Mr. Way made a beeline for the exit but was stopped again by Frankie, who stuck his leg out in front of him in attempt to keep Mr. Way there.

Mr. Way fell to the floor on his hands, Frankie felt bad and instantly dropped down to his knees to help him. Gerard has emotional issues for Christ sake, and this whole ordeal was causing him to go into hysterics. What did Frankie want from him? Why was he just staring at him? And why won’t he leave Gerard alone? Simply the fact of how close Frank was scared him. Frankie reached out his hand to Mr. Way. Mr. Way reacted to this by backing himself against the furthest wall with the one small window, high above his head.

Frankie looked up at the sink and saw the prescription, reading the label, Frankie realized it was Xanax, An anti-anxiety drug. He looked back down to Mr. Way., who is sweating more than he was class and breathing even heavier. Frankie crawled over to Mr. Way on his hands and knees and sat in front of him, he didn’t want Mr. Way to try and run again. “Hey, do you. Do you have anxiety?” Frankie asked, all out of breath from chasing Mr. Way and looking into Mr. Way’s panicked eyes.

Frankie reached up and took down the prescription bottle. Mr. Way nodded and his bottom lip quivered. Frankie placed his hand on Mr. Way’s arm. “Hey, hey sssh. It’s okay. I do too. I know what you’re going through right know.” Mr. Way’s eyes flickered from the bottle in frankie’s hand, up to Frankie, to his shoe, and then back up at Frankie again before he calmed himself down a little. He hoped he didn’t look as crazy and pathetic as he felt. He’s a grown man and he’s needs to stop letting himself be this way.

“And.” Frankie scooted as close as he could get on his knees in front of him and pushed Mr. Way’s matted hair back, off his sweaty forehead. “And you. You don’t have to be alone.” Frank held the back of Mr. Way’s head and looked into his hazel eyes again, trying to make Mr. Way feel safe and understand that for one reason or another, Frankie wanted to be there for Mr. Way. Gerard’s cheeks grew hot and Gerard felt embarrassed, he averted his gaze to the floor.

He was frankly insulted that this, this kid thinks he can just come into his life and say these things to Gerard. As if Gerard was a little boy that needed to be coddled. If Gerard were to admit how he really felt about what Frankie said, deep down, under the pseudo insulted excuse, he was really just afraid to let Frankie in. But Gerard would never expose that. Frankie looked down to the floor also, hoping Mr. Way could understand and except what he told him.

Frankie slid his hand to Mr. Way’s neck, and then down to his lap where the other rested. “I mean. Gah, I’m so sorry about. You know, what happened in class.” Gerard took a deep inhale of breath as he remembered his previous anxiety attack. Frankie pressed his lips together and continued. “But. I mean. I didn’t mean to like do this to you. Um. I guess it’s weird. That I kept staring at you.” Frankie paused and fiddled with his hands. Quieter than before he added, “But, I think, I saw you kept looking back at me too Mr. Way.”

Gerard slowly turned his head back up to be met with Frankie’s eyes. It felt like another one of those electric pulses he got when they were staring at each other in class. Gerard really wondered if he took enough medication because the room felt smaller and the air hotter. Having Frankie put out in the open that Gerard had been looking at Frankie in the classroom too, was something Gerard didn’t want to admit. Firstly because what the two were doing seemed inappropriate for a teacher/student relationship and the second reason scared Gerard even more.

Why was Gerard staring back? Gerard gulped down a dry wad of saliva and tried to breathe through his mouth. “Um.” Gerard uttered dryly. The bell sounded, signaling that third period had ended. “I think you need to get to your next class.” With that Frankie pushed himself off the floor and angrily stormed out of the bathroom. When Frankie got to fourth period, he found it hard to focus on his studies around all the gossip of Mr. Way. In the halls, in the classroom, in the bathrooms, people were talking about it.

About how Mr. Way completely bolted from his classroom and had gotten a sub for the rest of his classes today. In the lunchroom, Frankie could hear the other teachers talking about Mr. Way too, as they sat at the teacher’s lunch table. Frankie sat at his own table, nibbling on a sandwich, as he watched and listened to them. Two teacher’s got up with their empty trays and walked over to the garbage beside Frankie. Frankie was finally able to make out a full sentence of what they were talking about, as he heard one of them say. “I wonder if this means Way has finally cracked. That now he’s actually gonna come out of his dorm after classes like the rest of us.”

So Frankie assumed he hadn’t been far off when he suspected Mr. Way wasn’t good with people. Unlike the rest of this school, Frankie understood anxiety. Mr. Way obviously had an anxiety of being social. Frankie had anxiety also, mostly when he was put under stress or when he began to think about things too much. That’s why Frankie is at Stony Lodge. His parents were concerned for Frankie and simply could not deal with his episodes. Episodes that grew increasingly out of control in the weeks leading up to his parents taking him to Stony Lodge.

Apparently they specialized in “Saving the youth’s minds so they could function in society as good citizens that would give to their communities.” Frank thought that just sounded like they meant to say, “Fuck! The economy is shit. Let’s force some pills down these kids’ throats to make sure they can make our country money and take care of our asses when we’re shitting ourselves and wearing Depends.” Which was another thing Frankie hated about this place. All the medication and wacky treatments the patients got.

The doctor said that by the end of the week they’d have a prescription plan for Frankie. That just scared the boy. He recalls his first night at Stony Lodge. He had gotten there in the early evening. Frankie’s parents were surprisingly handling dropping their son off pretty well, as unlike Frankie, had no tears in their eyes as they did so. He remembers how his throat burned and eyes stung as he pleaded with his parents to please just let him stay with them. That was the worst panic attack of Frankie’s life.

Two nurses had to strap him down into a wheelchair and wheel him inside the building. Frankie remembers the last time he saw his parents, he had turned around in the chair sobbing and watching his parents get into their car in the parking lot as the big glass doors shut. He watched his parents drive off through the doors, until the nurse turned the chair down a hallway. This is where Frankie got his first taste of what this place was about, as he was strapped down to a bed and confined in a blanket.

The doctor came in and gave the nurses multiple pills that they shoved down his throat because he was not going to willingly take them. The doctor sat down beside Frankie’s shivering form and blatantly informed him of how his facility was run. Frankie could hear the screaming of kids, and when he asked the doctor why they were screaming, he told Frankie they were receiving their treatment. Frankie spent the rest of his first night locked under his blankets, though he doesn’t want to admit that he cried himself to sleep, as he stared outside his window which was well high off the ground on one of the top floors of the facility.

Frankie stared out as that dark purple night, to tall shadowed buildings with half lit windows and a large billboard that had a blown up picture of the doctor’s face next to an advertisement for Stony Lodge. Frankie had a hard time dealing with the fact that his parents couldn’t take care of him anymore and were okay with taking him to this place. He also wondered if his parents were ever informed of what they do to the kids here. Frankie felt scared, broken and alone. Mostly alone. Maybe his parents didn’t realize how emotionally connected he was to them.

Frankie loved his parents, and watching them leave had filled Frankie with the most traumatic hurt, devastation and confusion he’d ever experienced in his life. Since Frankie has been here, he finds it hard to sleep at night, as he closes his eyes and prays for the images of his parents at home without him to go away, they don’t. Then his chest is heavy and it hurts to breathe so he cries because his parents broke his heart and he’s scared and misses them and doesn’t feel right in this place.

That’s how Frankie can sympathize with Mr. Way. He knows how it feels to be alone. By the time the bell rung out the school day, talk of Mr. Way had become old news, and students went on with their day, walking outside through the pathways and into their rooms. Frankie included was walking one of the pathways that connected this facility, to his room. Frankie had found out that most all teachers that worked here lived here too. For some of them simply because it was free, but for Mr. Way it was because he had nowhere else to go.

So in order to combine entire living quarters, this place was built to be enormous. The school, hospital, student rooms, teacher dorms, and staff dorms, were all connected by concrete paths that went around the perimeter of the facility and through each section. Stony Lodge was gated and between the two setups, it made the people who lived and or worked there feel secluded. Frankie finds this weird, as he walks down a path in-between the teacher residency to back into his own. “Shit.” Frankie mutters, as he crouches down to tie his loose shoelace.

He looked up, and when Frankie did, he was brought into something he wish he hadn’t seen. Through the open blinds, into Mr. Way’s dorm, was Mr. Way sitting alone at the head of dining room table, head in hands and his body racking with sobs. Shocked at the scene, Frankie stood upright and made a loud noise when he back into a garbage can. Mr. Way lifted his head up and, looking out the window, spotted Frankie. The man quickly got up and closed his blinds. That’s what I have to look forward to. Frankie thought. I’m going to end up just like Mr. Way. With nothing but fear and loneliness in my life.

Frankie felt cold. Numb and done. Up in his room, Frankie had been sitting in a chair for hours next to his window that looked over the city. Frankie was wrong. Mr. Way did have to be alone. And so did he. He knew that now. He knew that he was just like Mr. Way. Frankie started thinking again.

I think that everyone is just like someone. The world is split into two’s, and each pair runs a certain way. Romance is just a distraction to keep you from finding your match. You can’t be with what you think you might love, it will always end. Because somewhere out there, something has put one person that you belong with. And when you meet them, you won’t love them. Because love will not describe what you two are in. Love will be the word you use until you meet you match. You and your match aren’t in love. You and your match are already in the things you two can’t tell anyone, Whether you know about it or not, you two are together in your life, not alone. You and your match will also ultimately die together. And even if people will die with the same cause as you come to die, it will not be the same experience as your death. Everyone’s time to die will come, and when that time comes you will meet your match. No one else knows your match, they might know that person but they won’t notice you match lying next to you when you die. They can’t see them. And you’ll never tell anyone that your match is there. Because your final breath. Is really you laughing because you will finally realize that every person in the whole world is searching for that fill up, the true feeling you feel in that moment. People get close, knowing that it is another human being that will fill them up. But when they say they love someone they’re only halfway full. Close but wrong. The feeling of being alone is because you’re not distracted but this half full feeling. Your match is with you and you can’t see them or be with them yet. Your match is with you the whole time, but people get too distracted by love to realize this. Death is the light switch that shows you your match and fills you up. You’ll be happy because you can tell that they’ve been with you your entire life. Because they’ll be in the things you couldn’t tell anyone and you’ll be in theirs. Your match will not be new, but familiar.

This is all Frankie wants. He can feel his match in the room with him now and he turns his head to gaze into the darkness of the room. No. Frankie does not get to see his match. Not yet. He knows this now. But tomorrow he will. And Mr. Way is the one who finally made Frankie understand this.

The sun was up and Frankie sat in the same chair he sat in last night, never having actually left it to sleep. His alarm clock went off and, unfazed, Frankie takes his time to shut it off and begin to get ready. It’s 8:15 when Frankie gets outside in front of the school. Everything in this scene is nice. Freshly mowed grass along the paths, blue sky above and around him, with fresh air that is immense and seeping into his lungs. Frankie walks into the school, heading into the staircase room that leads to the roof.

As he’s climbing steps, Frankie looks down at his watch; 8:19.eleven minutes until everyone will be here. Frankie takes the last few steps and pushes open the rusty, slightly slanted door that opens up to the rooftop. Setting the door back down, the gravity of the situation hit Frankie like a bullet. His stomach fills up with anxiety. That’s why I brought these little pills Frankie thinks him and Mr. Way are just alike as he swallows one Xanax.

Frankie decides to walk a little bit closer to the ledge, not quite ready to do it yet, so he can see when people start to arrive. Frankie checks his watch. 8:24. Six more minutes. Frankie smiles and closes his eyes for a moment. Frankie looks down at the ground, wanting to see how far up he is. When he does Mr. Way is looking up at him. Eye’s going wide; Mr. Way makes a mad dash into the school. Frankie checks his watch again and stares out over far away building into the clear morning sky. 8:25.

The door in which Frankie came through is being pushed open and Frankie turns his head hoping it’s him, it is. Mr. Way begins to walk over to Frankie who is just smiling at him. As Mr. Way gets closer Frankie starts laughing and backing up. Mr. Way sprints over to him and grabs him before Frankie can fall off the ledge. Frankie protests this and writes in his arms as Mr. Way carries him back over the ledge where it’s safe. “ Why did you do that! How dare you do that! I was going to be happy! I wasn’t going to be alone anymore!” Frankie cries as he pounds his fists on Mr. Way’s arms. Mr. Way sits down and wraps his arms tightly around Frankie in his lap. He clasps his hands together, holding Frankie there to him.

“Frank you don’t have to be alone.” Mr. Way tells him. Frankie is looking down with a frown on his face as he remembers saying those words to Mr. Way. But now he knows he was wrong. That Mr. Way is wrong. “Frankie, I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but it’s okay now. What you were going to do Frankie was not going to fix anything. You wouldn’t have been any less alone. Just dead. I was afraid before you know. But I’m gonna take care of you now okay?” Mr. Way pulls the side of Frankie’s head to his lips and kisses the temple there.

“Mr. Way, I don’t wanna be alone.” Frankie whispers with tears wet on his lips. “It. It hurts so bad.” Frankie cries and punches his heart. “Mr. Way holds Frankie’s hands above Frankie’s head and kisses him. “I’m gonna take away all the hurt now Frankie, I got you.” Frankie looks up at Mr. Way, and he places his chin on Frankie’s head. Frankie wraps his arms around Mr. Way, grabbing and fisting his sweater as he cries into Mr. Way’s chest.

“Sssh, it’s okay now. You don’t have to be scared now. I’m here. You’re not alone anymore.” Mr. Way soothes, and rubs up Frankie’s back. “I tried to help you too Mr. Way. But you. You just told me to go to class. I-I.” Frankie’s eyes water still, he wipes them and continues. “You were alone too.” Mr. Way looks down at Frankie then squishes his lips. “I was afraid Frankie because I have been alone for so long now and I have this crippling anxiety around people. And Frankie I was scared because I’m your teacher, and you’re my student….But I need you. And you need me now. Because together we’re not alone. You don’t have to be alone anymore Frankie. I’m gonna take away all the hurt your parents caused when the left you here. I’m gonna fill you up so you won’t be able to find the hurt anymore.”

And with that, Frankie kissed Mr. Way. “Don’t leave me.” Frankie pleaded. Mr. Way ghosted his lips over Frankie’s ear “I won’t ever do that to you.” H squeezed Frankie’s shoulders and stared into his eyes. “I fucking promise you this.” Frankie smiled and told Mr. Way, “Good, cause I’m you’re match.” Mr. Way smiled back and pressed his lips to Frankie’s. He carried Frankie off the roof at 8:31 AM.