When Skeletons Live

“Tonight's not the first time you've seen each other.”

I froze mid stir, but nodded.

“He's always had a soft spot for you, ya know. When you lot were little, he was so protective over the two of you, you more than Chuck. He's going to ask me for my mother's ring for that stupid girl he's with right now.”

We ended up sitting at the counter on the bar stools, leaving dinner to simmer while Jimmy and Charlie caught up. She patted my arm, giving it a soft squeeze.

“I always wanted him with you. Even when I met his first girlfriend; have you ever noticed they're always female versions of you? They've all got big, brown eyes and are about your height and build.”

I felt myself blushing, this wasn't the kind of conversation I expected for coming over for dinner.

“It's like he's trying to have you without actually having you.”

It's a little too late for that.

“What do you mean it's too late for that?”

I groaned, I had so meant to keep that to myself.

“You're right, today's not the first time we saw each other. I went out the other night, that place you guys hate me going to and I ended up going home with someone. The morning after, well I realized just who I had gone home with...and so did he.”

She just stared at me. I wasn't stupid about the times I do go home with someone for sex, I never told them how old I was, no one ever asked, if they did, I'd tell them, old enough. We always used protection, and to keep my own sanity in check, I got checked every month down at the clinic and I'm clean, have been for the past two years.

“Jimmy? Jimmy's who took you home and bedded you?”

I didn't know if she wanted to laugh, cry or grin like a fool, but I nodded.

“That son of a bitch, he had to know it was you, and he still did it, oh that boy is in so much trouble.”

She took a deep breath, pulled me in for a hug and then yelled for her kids.

“Dinner's ready, James set the table, Chuck put dinner in serving dishes.”

Jimmy's eyes went directly to me the moment his mom called him James. I bit my lip and climbed to my feet and picked a spot at the table. I watched as everyone did their part. Jimmy came to my side, leaning down to put my place setting.

“Did you tell her?”

I shook my head. Which isn't lying, I didn't say it was him, I simply said who I went home with realized that we knew each other in the morning.

“Well can we talk after dinner? Go for a walk or something?”

I nodded. He backed off and set the rest of the table. He chose to sit directly across from me while Chuck sat at the head, opposite their mom. Dinner talk was slightly awkward at first, but then we just started talking about anything and everything.

“Chuck, help me with dishes, you boys clear the table then you're free to do whatever.”

That woman was evil. I helped gather dishes and placed them on the counter above the sink. Charlie gave me a smile and mom just smirked. I let myself walk over to the living room, which you couldn't see from the kitchenette and flopped myself down on the couch.

“Can I join you?”

He had his hands in his pockets and was rocking on the balls of his feet—he shouldn't be nervous.

“I thought you wanted to go for a walk?”

He held out his hand and I let him pull me up. He yelled out that we were going for a walk, we were met with laughter—great. We made our way down the hall to the elevators and we each took opposite sides. This was going to be such a bad idea. We rode down in complete silence, exchanging quick glances.

Without realizing just where were walking to, I just let go of the awkwardness. We fucked no big deal, I've randomly run into guys I've slept with before, no big deal. You just give a slight nod and keep on going with your life. Granted none of those guys was my best friend's older brother and said older brother didn't give me my first kiss, my first blow job, my first fuck...I am so screwed.

“Come back to me.”

I stumbled and then looked over at him.

“You were far away with your thoughts, care to share?”

I shrugged.

“Do you really want to know?”

He stopped walking and grabbed my arm for me to stop too. He moved to be directly in front of me put his hands on my shoulders.

“Abe, I'm a moron, a fucking idiot, I realize that now. Do you want to know what registered in my brain the other morning, when I woke up and realized just who I held in my arms?”

I just blinked, I was afraid if I said anything whatever was happening would be ruined.

“I grinned like a damn fool. You...you're everything I've always wanted but I always felt like I could never have. Two years ago, before I left and that summer, that night...the night we...nothing has ever meant more to me.”

He removed his hands, running them through his hair. What the hell was I to say to that? What did you say to that?

“Can you say something? Anything.”

I glanced up at him, my eyes giving away nothing. Then I remembered what his mom said, he was going to ask for a ring for his girlfriend.

“Jim, I...I...I hope you're happy with her. Your grandmother's ring will be a good choice. What we had, what we did, it can't mean anything anymore. You've got your whole life set now, I'm still figuring mine out, hell I'm still in high school and will be for another year. You're twenty-one Jim, I'm still sixteen, you can't honestly expect that everyone's going to be okay with you holding out for a kid.”

He looked hurt, completely torn. He moved to speak but I cut him off. I knew what he was going to say.

“Don't even tell me you wouldn't care. At first you'd be fine with it, but after a month or two of having to hide this, you'll just grow tired of it, all of it and I can't let you do that to yourself. And what if we got caught, just because you'd have my dad's permission, doesn't mean everyone else is going to be okay with th—mmph”

His lips were pressed against my own. I could feel everything he was pouring out in that kiss. It terrified me, what he felt for me. When he pulled apart, he kept his gaze steady and even with mine, just a few inches away.

“Abe, I love you. I think I always have. I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. You make me feel so alive, even back then, that summer, it was the best time of my life. And you don't get to tell me what I feel for you, you can't do that, you don't have the right to. If you want me, if you'll let me have you, I'll gladly ask Katie not to come. I'll tell her its off, what?”

I just shook my head and pulled myself out of arms reach.

“Do you hear yourself Jim? Honestly, you tell me you love me and then you tell me you'll break off whatever it is with your girlfriend, Jim, you can't do that to someone. I won't let you do that to her, not like that. You were my first, my first everything and I've forc—had...I've let go.”

He stared at me, hard, before narrowing his gaze at me. He took the few steps it took to reach me, pulled me to him, putting his forehead against mine.

“Bullshit! That's fucking bullshit and you know it! Yes it's a shitty thing to do to someone but she knows I'm not in love with her, she knows that...she actually knows all about you and she's still willing to go through with the life we planned because she loves me that much...we fight, a lot...as willing as she is, she's hurt just as much...”

He quickly let go of me, his breath ragged and rough, eyes red and glistening. He glanced down at me before turning away from me, putting his back to me. I saw the slight shake of his shoulders, then one of his arms reach up to touch his face. This was not what I expected, I'm not surprised though.

“Can...can we go to your place to talk? Obviously we've got baggage to sort through.”

He spun around to face me and I did my best to let him know that I meant it, I didn't just want to walk away from whatever it is we had. He wiped his face and took a deep breath and nodded. He waved his arm in the direction we needed to go and after a few steps, without thinking I grabbed his hand. I couldn't look at him, but I didn't let go—neither did he.

We made our way in silence; it was only a few blocks. My thoughts could only trace back to the summer two years ago. Granted I was more of a kid then, fourteen, than I am now, but even then, with that first tentative touch, that first nervous kiss and the build up to the night I gave myself to him—I was always drawn to him. How could I not be? He's Charlie's big brother, always there, always letting us tag along, always making time for us.

He'd had girlfriends, plenty of them, and I've met every single one of them, except this Katie. Never did he bring home or mention boyfriends; I'm not sure how I felt as the exception. Flattered obviously, but if I'm the only one, who's to say that some leggy blonde wouldn't take him from me one day. Like I even stake claim to him. He's no one's possession.

“What's on your mind?”

We were walking up the stairs to his second floor apartment, he glanced down at me. I lifted my gaze to meet his and offered a weak smile. He just turned around and led the way to his door. As soon as we were inside, he shut the door behind us. The tension immediately permeated the air around us. It would just be so easy to replay the other night, but that's all we'd ever be to each other, fuck-buddies and I deserved so much more than that. Especially from him.

He nudged his head in the direction of his sitting room, an old, lumpy couch sat in the middle of the room. He sat on one end, I sat on the other. I pulled my legs up, my knees to my chest, resting my chin on my arms. He merely folded his legs beneath him as we sat staring at each other, neither sure where to start this conversation.

“I can't...I can't stop thinking about the other night which only brings back memories of that summer.”

I could only nod. He was fidgeting with his hands—his nervous habit.

“Abram, as horrible as it is, I would, I would tell her I can't give in to the life she and I created for ourselves...it'll always be you, always. Why won't you give me that chance? Why won't you let me prove to you that I can be who you want me to be?”

I bit my lip. I only had one way to answer those questions and he wasn't going to like it. I unfolded from myself, letting myself open up.

“I waited years for you to say to me what you've said today. Years Jimmy...I just...I, I got tired of waiting. I know I love you, and I do, I really do, but I'm no longer in love with you. Not like I once was. We can't go back to that summer, it was a fling, nothing more and all I am to you anyways is another skeleton in your closet. I deserve more than that.”

He furrowed his brow.

“A skeleton? You're far more than a skeleton in my closet Abe, you...you're...”

“I am the whole damn closet Jimmy. You've never mentioned another male, it's always been girls. I can't be that exception for you anymore. I'm not some toy you can play with just 'cause you've got an itch you need to scratch. You've nothing to prove to me either.”

He looked defeated. I hoped I looked better than that, 'cause I felt like hell on the inside.

“You don't mean that...you've never been a toy to me, you...you've...you're what I can't have. You were always Charlie's first, you were always too young, you're a boy...I just...if you mean it, then get up right now and walk out that door.”

He got to his feet and with a sad, longing look, he made his way towards the back of his apartment, where his bedroom is. I didn't hear the door shut—he was waiting for my answer. Dammit! He could always see through my bluffs. I did this to myself though—I really am an idiot sometimes. I climbed to my feet and took a few steps, left was the doorway, right was his bedroom. I took a deep breath and let it out. I could do this. I could do this. With each step I took, relief flooded through me, I was making the right choice.

I pushed open his cracked bedroom door and simply stared. He had curled in on himself, hugging a pillow to his chest—his back was to me—and his shoulders were shaking. I walked over to the other side of the bed and knelt on the floor in front of his face.

“I...Jimmy...I...”

He reached out and cupped my cheek, I lent into his touch. I brought one of my own hands up to wipe off his cheeks. I lent forward and began kissing his face—his forehead, his nose, his cheeks, his eyelids, the corners of his mouth, his chin.

“Come here.”

He shifted, allowing me room to slide into bed next to him. He pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me and then kissing my face just as I kissed his. When our lips finally touched I knew I had made the right choice. We clung to each other, hands began roaming all over our bodies, grasping, clutching, just touching.

Our whimpers mingled, we were both desperate. His hand made it beneath my tee and I arched into his touch. His mouth moved from my mouth down my chin, up my jaw, down my neck. I clung tighter, shifting so I could pull him on top of me. His weight a comfort, pushing me down into his mattress. He shifted so he could straddle me, moving his hips, grinding down onto me.

My own hands found their way under his shirt, roaming over the span of his back, reveling in the shift of every muscle as he moved over me.

“Jimmy?”

He removed his mouth from my neck and shifted so he could look down at me.

“Yes?”

I bit my lip and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath before opening them, looking up into his eyes.

“I want this.”

He stared before his entire face lit up.

“Even if I get frustrated and we argue and I'm a jerk because I hate that I have to hide you?”

I nodded. He grinned.

“Abe?”

“Yeah?”

He pressed a chaste kiss to my lips before pulling back and looking me in the eye.

“We can do this.”

As he pressed his lips to mine once more, this time a lot fiercer than before, lifting me up so he can wrap his arms around me, clinging to me, giving me everything he has to offer in this kiss—we could do this.