Take My Hand, Just Hold On

I was sat in a pool of my tears for maybe half an hour until I got my head back. I stood up on shaky legs, wiping my face as I steady myself. I pull my skirt back up, zip it tight, and put on my flats. I grab my purse, open the door, lock it, and walk to my car. My mind feels almost blank, my body on autopilot.

I drive to the only police station I know of, probably not the closest one to me, but I didn't care. I like the solitude of driving. I pull into the parking lot, unsure of what to do now that I am here? Can I just go in and file a report against James? Would they even believe I was raped, considering the fact that we were dating? I close my eyes lightly, trying to stop my head from swirling, but the only thing it accopmlishes is flashing images of the most horrible experience of my life. I open them quickly and get out of my car. I walk slowly to the entrance, step in the door, and walk to the front desk.

A lady cop is standing behind it and she smiles up at me, "Hello, how can I help you, dear?" she asks as I reach the desk.

I don't even try to smile back, "I..." I start, but can't seem to say 'was raped' out loud. How do people do this?

"What's happened?" worry starting to crease her face.

I try to swallow the lump in my throat and say it again, "I was.. I... I was r-raped." I finally get it out, not letting the tears that are brimming my eyes escape.

She comes around the counter and puts an arm around my shoulder, "Come with me, I'll introduce you to Detective Morgan, he will help you out, okay?"

I nod, and let her guide me to his office. She tells me to sit down and she will go grab him for me. I take a seat and rub my eyes. I doubt the gravity of this situation has quite set in, it still kind of feels like someone else's life I'm just watching on TV...

***

After I gave my statement to Detective Morgan, I was brought to the hospital to get a rape kit done and to take a morning after pill. After everything was done, I was driven home and told that my car would be towed back to my place, as I was "in no condition to be driving". I didn't put up a fight, all I wanted was to go home and get away from people who knew what had happened to me.

By the time I finally got home, it was almost 3 A.M. I had work tomorrow. Would James show up? Or have the police already gone to arrest him?

As I walk into my apartment, excruciatingly vivid memories come back. I shut my door and walk strait to my bedroom, where I hastily strip and throw my clothes in the garbage. I walk to my bathroom and turn the shower on, hoping to wash away everything from the last 6 hours.

I soon found that, though all I wanted was sleep, I couldn't achieve it. Every time I close my eyes, I saw his face, or what he did to me, or heard his voice... If I'm awake and my mind is already fucking me over, I couldn't imagine what my dreams would be like.

At 6, I got off my bed and took another shower, hoping the second one would help me feel cleaner for work.

Half an hour later, I step out of the shower, feeling as dirty as ever. I sigh, and call into work. I leave a message on Tom's voicemail, apologizing for not being able to come in today, saying that I wasn't feeling well. I'm sure that soon enough the office will know what had happened, considering James works there. It's a little hard to keep something like this a secret...

As I close my phone, I see that I had 3 texts that I missed last night. I open them up, all from Robert.
First: Haha, what movie is it?
Second: Tell me you haven't died because the movie was so bad?
Third: Ouch, rejected. Or you've really died...?

I type back a response, "Sorry, I got a bit distracted.. Movie turned out to be not so bad." I finger the 'send' button for about a minute, before deleting the message and closing my phone. I don't want to lie to Robert, but I definitely don't want to tell him what happened. I'm not sure we're that close, we just text each other when we're bored, I guess...

At mid-day, I get a call from Tom. I answer it, "Hello?"

"Brenna? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry I couldn't make it in today, I'm just not feeling so hot..."

"Brenna, I know what's happened. The police came and brought James in today..."

I sigh in relief, at least they've brought him in and I don't have to worry about him for at least a little while... "Oh," was all I could say to Tom, though.

"Brenna, if there's anything I can do for you, I'm here, okay?"

"Okay, thanks Tom..."

"You can take some time off work as well, want to say a week for now, and see how you're doing?"

I shake my head, then respond, "No, no, I'll come in tomorrow."

"Are you sure you'll be okay with that?"

"Yeah, it'll be good to... Get my mind off things," I respond. I really didn't want to have to delve into anything specific with my boss, and I really wanted the conversation to end here.

"Okay, well, I will see you tomorrow morning then. Take it easy for today, Brenna."

"Okay, thanks Tom. I'll see you tomorrow." I hang up the phone, and turn my attention back to the movie I was watching - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was on TV, and if there's anything that can take my mind off shit, it's Harry Potter.

Unfortunately, not even Harry Potter was working for me this time...