Status: Sorry I haven't been posting again.... I'm hoping in the next 2 weeks to have time to get one out!
Take My Hand, Just Hold On
Chapter 18 - Waste Of Paint
After another night of no sleep, I roll myself out of bed and jump in the shower. I must have taken 5 showers yesterday, none made me feel any better than the last. And this one was no different.
I slip on dress pants and a nice - if a tad baggy - sweater. I look in my fridge for something to eat but nothing catches my fancy. Just as nothing did yesterday. I can't really remember when the last time I ate was, but it was some time before all this bullshit happened. And yet I don't feel hungry, perhaps because I feel noxious all the time.
I walk away from the kitchen, put my shoes on and leave for work.
As I pull into the parking lot at work, I suppress every feeling i have to the best of my ability. All I need to do is get through one day at a time. I've just got to do my job just like I always did, and not think of the bullshit I'm going through. What's that they always say? Never bring your personal life into your work life?
I take a deep breath and release it, hoping this feeling of anger, hate, fear, worthlessness, and pretty much every horrible feeling one can think of, is released with it. No such luck, but worth a try, eh?
I walk into work and up to Tom's office where he is already sitting, drinking his morning coffee. "Morning Tom," I say in an almost convincingly cheery voice.
"Brenna," he responds, looking up from the papers he was reading. "Take a seat, how are you doing?"
I comply with his request, sitting in the chair opposite him. "I'm doing fine, considering..." I respond, trailing off.
He nods in comprehension, "Of course. Are you sure you're able to work? I'm sure I'd be able to work out a paid vacation for you? You could go back home to your family, or just get away some where. I'm sure it'd be nice to try to leave this all behind for a while."
"I'm fine, Tom. I just want some form of normalcy, I think."
"Okay, it's your choice. Let me know if you change your mind."
I nod, "Sure. So, what can I do today?"
"Well, I have a meeting with an author today I'm thinking about taking on. I thought you'd like to sit in on that?"
"Sounds great, Tom! Thanks," I say in fake enthusiasm. The really annoying part of this is I know how excited I would actually have been if this had been before I lost the ability to be happy about anything...
"Great. The meeting isn't until 10:00, so until then you can read through some manuscripts."
**
After the meeting I took my lunch hour, which I spent just sitting at my desk in a zoned-out state. About halfway through, Tom called me to his office.
"Yes?"
"Brenna, could you close the door please?" he asks, not looking up from his computer.
I close the door and sit across from him, "Er, did you want something?"
He finally looks away from the screen, "Yes, sorry. Important e-mail." I nod, understanding. "Anyway, I just called you in to ask what you took away from the meeting this morning?"
This wasn't really what I was expecting him to say or ask, and honestly I didn't take anything away from the meeting. I couldn't concentrate on anything because I was so tired. So the whole meeting I was just trying to not look bored or tired and that took up all my energy. "I... I'm sorry, Tom. I found it really hard to pay attention," I couldn't bother lying, and didn't really want to have to.
He smiles slightly, "That's what I thought. Look, I admire that you want to try to get past this part of your life, and I can understand why you'd want that. But you can't just force something like this. I'd like you to take two weeks off, Brenna. I'm giving you a full paid vacation, but you don't have to worry because it's not affecting your actual vacation days, you still have those for an actual vacation. I want you gone now, and don't want you back until May third, okay?"
I stare at him for a while. What boss forces you to take a vacation? He's probably right though. There isn't a point to me being here if I don't have the capacity to actually work or learn. I finally nod, "Okay, Tom. Uh, thank-you."
He stands up and walks to his door. He opens it, "I'll see you in a couple weeks, Brenna. Take care of yourself."
I nod again, "Thanks. Again."
**
On the drive home I thought about his earlier suggestion of going back home. I don't think I would want to spend 2 weeks with my family after they learn what happened to me - not that I don't love them and love spending time with them, I just think they would treat me completely differently and I don't want to have to deal with that. But I could stay in a hotel and visit other friends while I'm there.
And Robert.
I think about his last texts and that I still haven't responded. Maybe I'll text him when I get home. Look up flights back home. It's probably good to get out of the apartment, since whenever I walk into it all I can remember is James and the things he did...
**
I walk straight to my bedroom when I get to my apartment, taking my cell with me. I text Robert right away:
Hey Robert, sorry I didn't respond before. A bunch of shit happened. I can't talk about it now, but I'm coming to Vancouver for a couple weeks and was hoping to see you?
I get a response back almost immediately:
That's okay. Nothing bad happened did it? If you want, I'm sure I can get you a room at the hotel I'm staying at. Love to see you again, love.
That'd be great, actually. I don't know how long I'll be staying, though. I'm trying to get a flight out for tomorrow.
Let me know when, I'll pick you up at the airport
Will do.
And with that, I went to book my flight.
I slip on dress pants and a nice - if a tad baggy - sweater. I look in my fridge for something to eat but nothing catches my fancy. Just as nothing did yesterday. I can't really remember when the last time I ate was, but it was some time before all this bullshit happened. And yet I don't feel hungry, perhaps because I feel noxious all the time.
I walk away from the kitchen, put my shoes on and leave for work.
As I pull into the parking lot at work, I suppress every feeling i have to the best of my ability. All I need to do is get through one day at a time. I've just got to do my job just like I always did, and not think of the bullshit I'm going through. What's that they always say? Never bring your personal life into your work life?
I take a deep breath and release it, hoping this feeling of anger, hate, fear, worthlessness, and pretty much every horrible feeling one can think of, is released with it. No such luck, but worth a try, eh?
I walk into work and up to Tom's office where he is already sitting, drinking his morning coffee. "Morning Tom," I say in an almost convincingly cheery voice.
"Brenna," he responds, looking up from the papers he was reading. "Take a seat, how are you doing?"
I comply with his request, sitting in the chair opposite him. "I'm doing fine, considering..." I respond, trailing off.
He nods in comprehension, "Of course. Are you sure you're able to work? I'm sure I'd be able to work out a paid vacation for you? You could go back home to your family, or just get away some where. I'm sure it'd be nice to try to leave this all behind for a while."
"I'm fine, Tom. I just want some form of normalcy, I think."
"Okay, it's your choice. Let me know if you change your mind."
I nod, "Sure. So, what can I do today?"
"Well, I have a meeting with an author today I'm thinking about taking on. I thought you'd like to sit in on that?"
"Sounds great, Tom! Thanks," I say in fake enthusiasm. The really annoying part of this is I know how excited I would actually have been if this had been before I lost the ability to be happy about anything...
"Great. The meeting isn't until 10:00, so until then you can read through some manuscripts."
**
After the meeting I took my lunch hour, which I spent just sitting at my desk in a zoned-out state. About halfway through, Tom called me to his office.
"Yes?"
"Brenna, could you close the door please?" he asks, not looking up from his computer.
I close the door and sit across from him, "Er, did you want something?"
He finally looks away from the screen, "Yes, sorry. Important e-mail." I nod, understanding. "Anyway, I just called you in to ask what you took away from the meeting this morning?"
This wasn't really what I was expecting him to say or ask, and honestly I didn't take anything away from the meeting. I couldn't concentrate on anything because I was so tired. So the whole meeting I was just trying to not look bored or tired and that took up all my energy. "I... I'm sorry, Tom. I found it really hard to pay attention," I couldn't bother lying, and didn't really want to have to.
He smiles slightly, "That's what I thought. Look, I admire that you want to try to get past this part of your life, and I can understand why you'd want that. But you can't just force something like this. I'd like you to take two weeks off, Brenna. I'm giving you a full paid vacation, but you don't have to worry because it's not affecting your actual vacation days, you still have those for an actual vacation. I want you gone now, and don't want you back until May third, okay?"
I stare at him for a while. What boss forces you to take a vacation? He's probably right though. There isn't a point to me being here if I don't have the capacity to actually work or learn. I finally nod, "Okay, Tom. Uh, thank-you."
He stands up and walks to his door. He opens it, "I'll see you in a couple weeks, Brenna. Take care of yourself."
I nod again, "Thanks. Again."
**
On the drive home I thought about his earlier suggestion of going back home. I don't think I would want to spend 2 weeks with my family after they learn what happened to me - not that I don't love them and love spending time with them, I just think they would treat me completely differently and I don't want to have to deal with that. But I could stay in a hotel and visit other friends while I'm there.
And Robert.
I think about his last texts and that I still haven't responded. Maybe I'll text him when I get home. Look up flights back home. It's probably good to get out of the apartment, since whenever I walk into it all I can remember is James and the things he did...
**
I walk straight to my bedroom when I get to my apartment, taking my cell with me. I text Robert right away:
Hey Robert, sorry I didn't respond before. A bunch of shit happened. I can't talk about it now, but I'm coming to Vancouver for a couple weeks and was hoping to see you?
I get a response back almost immediately:
That's okay. Nothing bad happened did it? If you want, I'm sure I can get you a room at the hotel I'm staying at. Love to see you again, love.
That'd be great, actually. I don't know how long I'll be staying, though. I'm trying to get a flight out for tomorrow.
Let me know when, I'll pick you up at the airport
Will do.
And with that, I went to book my flight.
♠ ♠ ♠
I have a legitimate excuse for not writing for an extremely long time! My laptop gave out. And I still don't have it running yet (really), but I got on long enough to write this! And I am probably just going to buy a new one in a couple weeks, so there might be no more until I get another laptop... We'll see!Song: Waste of Paint by Bright Eyes. I think it fits because Brenna is just feeling completely lost and worthless and depressed. Which basically sums up the feeling of this song. This song also happens to be one of my favourite Bright Eyes songs. It's pretty awesome if you're into that sort of music. Thanks for reading, guys! Sorry for any mistakes, I didn't have time to read through it again and I have no spell check on my computer right now :P