Take My Hand, Just Hold On

My head shot up as he said it, and I immediately hated myself for being so fucking weak and making him do it for me. I’m such an inconsiderate asshole. I looked at him and he looked so sad, all I could do was cry.

My parents sat there, my dad on the arm of the couch, and my mum crouching on the floor between Robert and me, looking dumbfounded. My dad was the first one to make a move. He jumped up and stormed around, reminding me of Robert when I first told him. “I’m going to kill that fucker,” I heard him mutter. Except for the word ‘kill’ – that, he yelled.

My mum slowly moved up to the couch and placed herself between Robert and me. She wrapped her arms around me tightly and just silently hugged me. I was still bawling; I couldn’t stop.

My dad calmed down after about 15 minutes and kneeled down in front of me. He slowly took my hands in his and my mum finally released me. My dad pulled me up to me feet and said gently, “Maybe you should go lay down, B.” Him calling me ‘B’ made me stop sobbing so violently, I was thrown back to high school and was reminded I was safe here, with my parents. I nodded and he led me up to my room and laid me down.



I watched Brenna’s dad take her up to her room as I sat helplessly on the couch with her mum. We didn’t talk. We didn’t look at each other. At least, I never looked at her. I felt like I did when she first told me. Anger, hatred, disgust, and so much more. All directed at one person whom I have never met.

Suddenly I heard a small cough beside me and I started. I looked at Sheila, who was looking back at me with tears falling down her face silently, “Do you know when this happened?”

For some reason I was shocked at her question and it took me a moment to reply, “About a week ago, I believe.”

She just nodded and wiped away the remaining tears falling down her cheeks. She blew out a deep breath, much like her daughter, and stopped crying after that.

Brenna’s dad came back downstairs a minute after that and sat next to his wife. I felt like I shouldn’t be there and excused myself, planning to go upstairs to the guest room. But when I got up there I couldn’t remember which room we dropped my bag into and all the doors were closed. I knew it wasn’t either of the first rooms so I hazarded a guess at the second one on the left. I open it quietly and peak in – nope, definitely her little sisters. Despite the current situation, I allow myself a small chuckle at the posters of me hanging there. I close the door quickly though, not wanting to invade anyone’s privacy, and try the door across. I open it and see Brenna lying on her bed, hands on the top of her head, eyes closed, and breathing in deeply. I try to close the door quietly to leave her alone but I guess she hears me as her head shoots up and she looks at me.

She relaxes slightly, “Come in?” she asks.

I walk in slowly and take a seat at the end of her bed, “How are you doing?”

She takes a shaky breath and nods, “Better? Stopped crying finally,” she laughs as tears start to brim around her eyes again. “Fuck, I’m so sorry for getting you to tell them. I just couldn’t get the words out of my throat again…”

“It’s okay, don’t apologize.”

She nods and lays her head back down. “Will you stay with me?”

“Anything you want,” I tell her, almost adding ‘love’ at the end of the sentence before I caught myself. I keep having to remind myself I’m not trying to woo her anymore. She shuffles over on the twin bed to make room for me and I lay on my side.

We laid there in silence and within 10 minutes I heard her breathing level and knew she was asleep. I smiled, knowing that sleep came tough to her. I braved taking her hand in mine and let my eyes close.

I woke up to sounds of crying and frowned. I was no longer holding Brenna’s hand in mine; she was now curled up, and as far to her side of the bed as possible. I was about to ask what was wrong – admittedly a stupid question, but I didn’t know what else to say – when I heard her saying something softly. I listened closer and heard “Please, no… No, no, no, no…” and I realized she wasn’t awake and crying, she was having another dream – nightmare, I suppose.

I put my hand lightly on her shoulder and whispered, “Brenna, love, wake up.” I reprimanded myself silently for adding the ‘love’ in there – I don’t even know when I started saying it, I’m sure I never said it before meeting her, though. But, alas, it didn’t seem right anymore. After my saying that, she stopped talking in her sleep, but she was still asleep and shaking slightly.

Slightly louder this time I said, “Wake up, Brenna.” I shook her a little bit when she didn’t respond to my words and she bolted up, eyes wide.

I jumped back a little in the bed and fell off the side, banging my head on the wooden floor. “Shit,” I mumble to myself, rubbing the back of my head and sitting up.

I looked up to see Brenna peering over the side of her bed, I small smile playing on her lips – okay, it was worth the headache I could feel coming on for even the smallest smile from her. “I’m sorry,” she says, holding a hand out for me to take. I gladly accept it and let her help me back up.


As I pulled Robert up off the floor I grimaced, reflecting on what probably just happened. “Was I freaking out in my sleep again?” I ask him as I get off my bed. Usually I will remember the nightmares, but not this time.

He gives a small nod and a sympathetic smile. I sigh and nod my head to the door, indicating I thought we should go back downstairs now.

It was about 2:30 when we got downstairs and my sister would be home in about an hour. I walked to the living room but didn’t find my parents. I looked back at Robert who was following and he shrugged.

I took him to the kitchen and found them both standing in there talking quietly. “Oh! You’re up!” my mum exclaimed when she saw us.

I nodded, “Sorry, I never meant to fall asleep.”

“Don’t apologize; you looked like you needed it. Like you need to eat a bit too, actually,” she added on the end.

I looked at myself and wondered if I really looked that skinny, “Yeah, maybe. I’ve been finding it hard to eat anything recently…”

My mum tried to put on a smile and said, “Well I will make your favourite meal tonight, then!”

My dad coughed and looked like he was about to say something before my mum cut him off “Don’t, Douglas. Just don’t.” She sounded like she was putting her foot down about something, and my dad never went against her. And he didn’t this time, either. He shut his mouth and shrugged it off. “Something to drink, either of you?”

I nodded, “Glass of water, thanks.”

“I’ll have the same, sir,” Robert replies.

“Douglas, please Rob. “