Take My Hand, Just Hold On

He holds my gaze for only a few seconds before he looks away. He gets up off the stool and turns his back on me, hand running through his hair again. “I don’t buy it. If you had given up, you wouldn’t still be here.”

“Why not? Nowhere else is better, nowhere else is worse… May as well stay here,” I tell him with a shrug.

“No, unless you had something to stay here for, you’d be long gone. At least from this fucking apartment. So I don’t buy that you’ve given up. And if you have, I’m fixing it,” he says, turning back to me in a defiant manner.

It’s terrible, but I want to laugh at his statement. It just seemed absurd to me that Robert friggin’ Pattinson would want to save me. But I don’t laugh; instead I ask him, “Why do you care so much? I mean, I’m just some stupid girl you banged for a few weeks…”

Hurt rushed across his face and it took a moment for him to respond. “Is that all I was to you?”

I shrug; I know I was being an asshole. I know that what I was saying was hurting him. I even knew it was a lie before I said it. But, I said it anyway: “No. You were just some gorgeous famous guy that I slept with for a few weeks.” Yeah. Asshole, right? Maybe I was just trying to get him to walk out on his own; subconsciously, you know.

He looked me right in the eyes and I looked back trying to convey no emotion, but my heart started pounding and I could feel the regret boiling over. “Not true?” he asks as he sees my face change.

I close my eyes, blow out a breath, and nod, “Not true.”

“Do you still want to know why I care? Or were you just trying to pick a fight?”

“I don’t even know anymore… I’m just so fucking tired, Robert. Can we please do this tomorrow?”

“Promise you will see me again?” he asks.

“Promise.”

“Okay then… I’ll go for the night. Tomorrow morning work for you?”

“Not like I have anything else to do. Sure,” I look at the clock and notice it’s 2:30 in the morning. Robert’s gone to the door to pick his bag up. “Why don’t you just crash here tonight? It’s late. And if you leave, I’ll probably break my promise.”

“You won’t be uncomfortable with my being here?” he asks, lowering his bag slightly.

I shrug, “No more uncomfortable than I am usually. Take my bed; I won’t be able to sleep anyway… I’ll just watch TV out here.”

“I wouldn’t feel right about it, Brenna. You seriously won’t sleep at all?”

I shake my head, “Not tonight especially.”

“I’m sorry. I probably could have waited until tomorrow to show up…”

“It doesn’t matter, Robert. Just go get some sleep, I’m sure you’ve had a long day.”

He finally lets his bag fall the rest of the way to the floor as I make my way to the couch. I hear him walking behind me. As I sit, he kneels behind the couch, arms and head resting on the back to the right of me. “Do you remember the day we met?” he asks. I close my eyes, I just wanted to stop talking tonight. I nod, though. “Remember when you dropped me off, I said you were a life saver?” I nod again, vaguely recalling. “Remember you said some day you hope I could save your life? And I said I would if ever your life needed saving?”

I open my eyes, recalling the conversation, “Robert, I gave you a god-damn ride. This is a bit of a tougher situation; if the reason you’re here to help is because I said I wanted you to save my life then I take it back.”

“Of course that’s not the only reason I’m here, Brenna. I’m here because I can remember that conversation so clearly… I remember everything of those three weeks with you like they were yesterday. You’re such a beautiful, intelligent woman and I’d hate to see you just waste away here. I would like to help you, to be here as your friend. You can’t tell me you don’t need one of those?”

I turn my head toward him so I can see him out of the corner of my eye. “Yeah, you might be right,” I concede, trying to hide the fact that I am very close to crying.

“Good, that’s all I needed to hear.” He stands and places a hand on my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze, “Good night Brenna. Last chance for the bed?”

I smile a small smile even though he can’t see me, “Nope, I don’t need it. Have a good sleep, Robert.”

I turn the TV on and the volume down to almost non-existent as I flip the channel to one of the 24-hour news programs, not really caring what I watch. I hear Robert fall on the bed and let out a low half-sigh/half-moan, possibly of relief. He must not have closed the bedroom door as I could hear him very clearly.

I close my eyes lightly and feel deliriously dizzy and ill; this is probably what happens when you don’t eat or sleep. I don’t suggest you try it. I open my eyes again, afraid of what will happen if sleep comes. I don’t want Robert to hear any of my late night terrors, so I must not fall asleep tonight.