Take My Hand, Just Hold On

After hanging up the phone with Robert, I sit back on my couch and sigh. I already missed having him around. I somehow felt safe when he was nearby, and he was certainly not that right now.

I close my eyes and force myself to take a deep breath before getting up and making myself a bowl of cereal; I guess it’s a little past breakfast time, but I didn’t really think about eating earlier. Worry and whatnot, you know?

I end up whiling away the day watching TV, letting my mind wander overseas as I thought about Robert and his family and about the wait between now and the surgery. Robert is the last person on earth I would wish something like this on; I can only hope that Karma repays him well.



I wake up Tuesday morning – after 2 nightmares earlier in the night – to my alarm. I grab my phone to turn it off and in the process see that I had a missed message. I hadn’t heard from Robert since Sunday, so I was hoping it was him. When I opened my messages I saw that it was just a random number flashing and frowned – although I suppose it could be him. I opened the message:

Hey, it’s Rob… Just in the hospital, dad’s going into surgery now. Thought I’d let you know. This is my sister’s phone… she’s letting me borrow it for half an hour, text back if you’re awake?

I look at when the message was sent – 40 minutes ago… I can probably attempt it? Worst thing that could happen is his sister has her phone back, which isn’t too bad.

Hey Robert (Or his sister?)! I’m just getting ready for work, so don’t have much time to talk… But I’ll be thinking about you and the family today. If you’re up late and are able to, give me a call later tonight? Hope all goes well today xx

I erased the ‘xx’ multiple times before settling on it as being appropriate and sending it as it was.

I put my phone down and went to have a shower; I was trying not to sit around waiting for a response that might not be coming. When I get out of the shower and check my phone, I see a text flashing and open it:

Hey, it’s Rob’s sister. He’s gone out to get some food for everyone while we wait. I’ll let him know you responded. Thanks for the well-wishes.

I decide not to respond, leaving it up to Robert to call me when he had time, and I spent the rest of the day focusing on work, giving slightly more than fleeting thoughts to Robert.

That night my phone started ringing and I pick it up, hoping it was Robert, “Hello?”

“Hi, is this Brenna?” I hear an unfamiliar British voice on the phone.

For whatever reason, I grew very concerned, thinking something had happened to Robert. “Yes, who’s this?” I ask, trying to keep my voice steady.

“It’s Brian. I don’t know if you remember me, I’m Rob’s friend. We met once before he left for filming.”

“Oh yeah, for sure I remember you, Brian. Is there anything wrong?” I ask, still worried.

“No, not at all. I’m just doing something for Rob and can’t seem to get a hold of him, and I know he’s been spending a lot of time with you recently… I was just hoping maybe he was around, or you knew how I could get in touch with him?”

Ah, sweet relief. Unfortunately I wasn’t sure how to approach the subject of ‘your best friend’s dad just had a serious heart attack’. Bluntly, I suppose? “I do know where he is, yes… His dad had a heart attack a couple days ago, and so Robert flew out to England to be with his family.”

“What? Shit, do you know if his dad’s okay?” Brian asks.

I nod as I respond, “Yeah, it’s looking… ok. From what I gather. He needs bypass surgery, which was happening today, but I don’t know how it’s gone, I haven’t heard from him at all. Do you need a number to reach him? I probably have his parents’ number somewhere in my call history…?”

“No. Thank-you, though. I have his parents’ number. Jesus, it’s probably too late to call now, hey?”

We exchange a few more words before hanging up. And now I’m left wondering what Robert had Brian doing for him, and how Brian had my number.



It had been almost 3 weeks since Robert left. I had continued to see my therapist-lady, and we discussed at length the kiss I shared with Robert and came to the conclusion that it was likely old feelings creeping up mixed with my wanting him to feel… better. We also discussed these ‘old feelings’ specifically, and whether they had turned in to ‘new feelings’, of which the answer was still inconclusive. I couldn’t figure it out, and even if I did have feelings for Robert I was quite certain he didn’t have them for me, and even if somehow he did I wasn’t in a place to handle it.

So, I was working toward creating a close friendship-route with Robert. We had chatted every few days for a couple minutes; his dad was making a good recovery and was being moved home finally the last time I spoke to him – 2 days ago – and Robert was planning on getting a flight back to LA for Sunday – 2 days from now. Needless to say, feelings or no feelings, I was happy he was coming back if only for the return of rest.

I was interrupted from my train of thought by a knock on my door. I squint at the time – 8:30. Curious. I creep up to the peephole, my heart racing. Because, hey, I’m doing better but I’m still a completely frightened girl.

Alas, my lips formed too giant of a smile to convince anyone I was not still hopelessly into this boy. I look a couple seconds longer at Robert standing out there with a small smile and his bag hanging off his shoulder. I took a step back and a deep breath, calming my bewildering excitement of seeing Robert again after nigh on 3 weeks. Apparently I was taking too long because he knocked again and I hear him call my name lightly.

I unscrew my smile and put on a slightly less manic one before starting to unlock all my deadbolts and chains. Unfortunately, when I finally got the door open my smile grew wide again and I hugged him before he had a chance to even drop his bag. As he wrapped his arms around me, all I could think was how much I missed his smell. And that was the point I realized I should let him go or I’d linger too long.

“Hi,” he says, as I back away from him and allow him into my apartment.

“What are you doing here?” I exclaim, “You weren’t coming until Sunday you’d said!”

He shrugs and sets his bag on the floor, “Dad was doing perfectly well. I was mostly getting in the way after he came home, and I was kind of missing it here.”

“Well, I’m happy you’re back and that you’re dad’s doing so well.”

Robert smiles, “Can I have one more hug?”

I shrug and smile back, taking a step toward him and allowing his arms to once again envelop me as I try not to let my enjoyment show too much.

“I like that you didn’t flinch at all both these times,” he whispers, his lips moving somewhere near my temple.

“I’m trying to be better,” I whisper back.