Goodbye Doesn't Mean I'm Moving On

“Bryce, honey get that out of your mouth.” I said picking him up. The doorbell rang again. “Sorry, terrible twos here. How can I help you?” I said as my voice began to crack.

“It’s okay ma’am.” The voice said. As soon as I opened the door my heart sank. Seeing the man in uniform infront of me automatically made me know what was about to happen.

“Ma’am I’m Captain Sean Henry of the United States Marine Corps. On behalf of the United States Special Operations Command and the United States Marine Corps, we express our deepest sympathy in telling you that your fiancé Jonathan Bradley was killed yesterday while performing a mission of rescuing a group of Iraqi children from an abandoned orphanage. A land mine killed him and the seven others that he was with. He was taken immediately to a nearby military hospital where he died later on in the night. Once again ma’am I am very sorry that this tragedy has happened to you and your family.”

I looked immediately at my two year old son in my arms and began to cry. How was he supposed to ever have a normal life now?

“Ma’am the United States Marine Corps will be in touch with you soon in order to take care of your husband’s funeral. I wish you and your son the best in going through this tough time.” He said as he shook my hand.

Instinct took me to the living room and made me dial the phone. The only person I could think of talking to was my best friend. Of anyone right now he was the one that could make me feel at least a small bit better.

“Hey Shelly!” he said as he answered the phone. “I was just about to call you.”

“Marc I have something to tell you.” I said through tears that were forming on my face.

“Shelly what’s the matter, what happened?” he asked worried.

“Marc, Jonathan is…Jonathan is dead.”

“Oh Shelly I…” he paused. “I’ll be right there.”

“Thanks Marc.” I said crying.

I couldn’t believe this was happening. I didn’t care about what it would do to me as much as I did Bryce. How was he ever supposed to have a life without a dad? He was only two but still. What would happen once he got older and understood what happened? I could just picture kids making fun of him because his father died. When would be the right time to tell him too? I have years to think about this but I had to decide now. I couldn’t not let him know, he’s our son. But when would be the age for him to understand?

“Momma,” I heard my son say making me jump.

“Yes Bryce?” I said, running my hand over the top his head.

“Why you cry?” he asked.

I had no idea how to respond. “I’m not crying honey, I just got something in my eye.”

He shook his head and went back to playing with his cars on the table. I looked at him and his innocence. It was heartbreaking to know that one day I would really have to tell him why I was crying when he asked. I couldn’t bring myself to think about telling him. He was two and so innocent, something like this could really hurt him. But what would he think when we were at the funeral and everyone was hanging on him telling them how sorry they were. And what would he think when strange men in uniforms like his dad’s would finally come to discuss what happened? I was officially lost in every meaning of the word. I had lost my fiancé which I think may make me lose my mind. I wasn’t sure that I could do this alone.

~-~-~-~-~

“Marc!” Bryce shouted happily when he heard the door open and Marc walked in.

“Hey buddy, how are you?” he said smiling.

“Good,” he said smiling up at him. “Why you here?”

“I just thought I’d stop by.”

“Oh…” he managed to get out of a yawn.

“You look tired there bud. How about I take you upstairs and give your mom a break? It seems to me like you need a nap.” Marc said.

“Okay…” Bryce said sadly.

“I promise that when you wake up I’ll still be here and we’ll play.” I heard Marc say as he took Bryce upstairs.

All I could do was sit on the couch and cry. Everything that could of happened in our future as a family was gone now. Jonathan would never be able to walk in like Marc just did and happily say hello to his son. He would never put him down for a nap and he would never play with him again. He would never walk in after a long day at the base and manage to put on his best energy filled face for his family no matter how badly he just wanted to go to sleep. He would never hug me or kiss me again. No more birthdays or cookouts. No more fun days as a family by the pool. No more Penguin’s games when they were playing downtown. No more vacations or random rides around the city. No wedding and no Jonathan at all. When the thought of us never getting married hit me, it hit me hard. The one man I truly loved would never actually be mine. I always said that I never believed in love and that I would never fall in love, but Jon changed that. Now he changed it again. I was never going to be able to love anyone as much as I loved Jon.