Life on Mars

*Eliza's POV*

“You know what’s going to happen, right?” Presley asked. “In like a year or two he’s going to want to get married.”

I rolled my eyes as I tugged her towards a bin full of red, green and yellow peppers. It was the next morning and we were at the Farmer’s Market in Brentwood. “You don’t know that,” I returned. “It’s not like Jared and I haven’t discussed all this already. And why do you and I keep having this conversation? You know I don’t believe in the institute of marriage.”

“Because our biological clocks are ticking,” she answered. “None of us are getting any younger, Eli, and the sooner you realize that the sooner you’ll change your mind about the whole thing.”

“No, I don’t think so,” I disagreed. “And the term ‘biological clock’ would suggest that I’m interested in having children, which is even more far-fetched than marriage. In fact, it’s out of the question.”

“What, you mean you wouldn’t want gorgeous little Leto children with creepy eyes running around?” She teased.

I cringed. The idea of giving birth physically made me sick to my stomach. “Ugh, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth…” I grumbled. “Fuck no, Pres. And anyways, he told me he’s never wanted kids. Even if we were together for that long and marriage was an option, which it isn’t, children certainly wouldn’t be.” A thought occurred to me as I watched her choose a few red peppers. “Are you trying to tell me that you and Shannon have been discussing all this?”

“It’s come up a few times,” she shrugged casually. “He’s almost 40, Eli, and I’m 33. Unlike you, I do still want to get married and have children. I’m fortunate enough to be dating someone who hasn’t given up on that notion quite yet.”

I considered the notion of being a godparent for a second or two, then snapped out of it and glared at her accusingly. “Look, if you marry Shannon then just...do me a favor and keep me and Jared out of it. I don’t want to be the couple that ironically serves as maid of honor and best man…” I sighed heavily. “I know you. You’ll make sure the fucking bouquet comes straight at me and the garter goes straight to Jared.”

She stopped what she was doing to spin around and gape at me with her hands on her hips. “So you’re telling me in advance that you want to avoid any involvement in my wedding?”

“If it’s to Shannon, yes,” I nodded firmly. “You can ask your sister to be your maid of honor or something. Besides, you know I hate weddings.”

“You’re such a buzzkill,” she said with irritation. “You couldn’t just suck it up for one day?”

“No, absolutely not,” I shook my head. “Not unless Jared and I are no longer dating.”

“Right, which means it’s out of the question since you two are obviously in it for the long haul,” she retorted.

Her words struck me as rather odd. “So that’s what you think, huh? Is that why you’re pushing the whole marriage thing on me?”

“What do you think?” She asked. “You think I came up with this on my own? Shannon and Jared aren’t only brothers; they’re best friends, too, Eliza. Shannon is in complete agreement with me. When enough time passes Jared’s going to want to seal the deal and quite frankly, I don’t blame him. If anything, you should be pleased that he’d want to do that. He’s made his mark all over Hollywood and yet he’s chosen to be with you – the only woman within three hundred miles whose intelligence is equivalent to her beauty. You aren’t just a challenge and this isn’t some joke to him. He’s very serious about you.”

“I know,” I murmured with a sigh. “I’m well aware of that.”

The truth was that I’d avoided thinking of all these possibilities any more than necessary. Me and Jared dating for more than six months or a year, him proposing at some point, and even the idea of Shannon and Presley or Holden and Gwen settling down – I’d avoided it all. I hated thinking that in a few years our group would be permanently expanded and that I’d still be viciously defending my reasons for refusing to sign a marriage certificate. No one would argue with me about children, I knew that much, but I was positive they’d all gang up on me about the marriage thing.

Eliza Leto. Ugh. It was stupid to even consider how it sounded, but Presley’s persistent speeches about it made it impossible to argue with her. Jared and Shannon were indeed best friends, and I was sure that whatever Shannon told Presley about Jared was one hundred percent true. He wouldn’t make it up and he wouldn’t pretend as if his little brother was interested in something he really wasn’t.

The only looming question that remained was how I would handle it from here. And hours later, as I sat at the island countertop in my kitchen staring down at the promotional schedule Holden had just faxed over, I was still asking myself what I should do.

I liked my barren left ring finger. It was empowering. Pathetic to people that didn’t understand it, like Presley, but so liberating for me. I intentionally didn’t wear any rings on it, fashion or otherwise, because I was proud to advertise that I wasn’t taken. It didn’t mean I was free game. To me, it meant I’d made a choice to enjoy my life without needing to measure my self-worth based on a man’s opinion of me. I was proud of everything I felt and every decision I’d made. I didn’t regret a single day I’d lived.

“Eli?!”

My head snapped up at the sound of Jared’s familiar voice downstairs. I glanced at the clock. Right on time. We were supposed to be at Presley’s for a movie in an hour or so. She and Shannon would be done with dinner by then.

“I’m upstairs!” I shouted back, listening as his footsteps began to ascend the stairs.

“Do you think she killed him?” Jared snickered as he stepped into the doorway.

“Not if she followed my instructions,” I laughed in return. “I gave her the most incredible yet least complicated vegetarian recipe I knew, so hopefully…we really did rope her into joining the club. I guess we’ll find out in a couple hours. Did you eat already?”

“Yes,” he nodded. “Did you?”

I nodded as well.

Jared moved around the island and settled on the empty stool next to me, then leaned forward to kiss me before looking down at the paperwork in front of me. “What’s this?” He asked curiously.

“My promotional schedule for the new book,” I answered, sliding the paper towards him. “I’ll be in New York most of next week, then back here in L.A., then…all over the place for a while after that.”

“The View, huh?” He asked, sounding impressed. “You and four women bombarding you with questions ought to be interesting to see.”

“Mmm,” I vaguely agreed with a tight smile. “Speaking of questions…I have one for you.”

“Oh yeah? What kind of question?” He asked absently, still staring down at the paper.

I reached forward and flipped it over, then pushed it away from both of us. “One that requires your undivided attention.”

“Got it,” he nodded, looking up at me. “Let’s have it.”

“Marriage,” I said simply. “I think this may be the end of the road for Shannon and Presley. Dating-wise, I mean.”

He nodded again. “I think so, too.”

“Okay, so…she seems to have these…I don’t know…notions about you and I.” Then I changed my mind about my word choice. “Well maybe they’re not so much notions if they’ve come from your brother and…they’re probably accurate.”

Jared frowned. “If it came from his mouth then I’m sure I can’t deny anything. However…I’m still not sure what the question is.”

“I’m getting to that,” I chuckled awkwardly. “My question is…since you and I are at…two completely different ends of the spectrum as far as marriage is concerned…do you think that we’d be able to find a middle ground? If we get to that point, I mean.”

He grimaced almost immediately and turned away. “To be honest…I’ve actually avoided thinking about it.”

“So have I,” I admitted. “So should we just…keep avoiding it or…do you want to deal with it now?”

He turned towards me again and sighed. “Maybe not right now but…maybe in a few weeks.”

I stared at him dully for a long moment, then brought my schedule back towards us and flipped it over. “Let’s check my schedule,” I said, tapping on it sarcastically. “We’ll see when I can pencil you in for a serious conversation.”

“Come on, Eliza,” he sighed again. “I don’t want to argue about this, and if we talk about this right now then it may come to that.”

“Why?” I questioned adamantly. “Why is that?”

“Because there is no middle ground and we both know it,” he explained. “I’m not stupid. I know your idea of compromising is to do it your way, which is that if we dated long enough and hit that point where most couples get engaged, you’d refuse. I can’t sit here and tell you that I’ve completely accepted that yet.”

“But do you understand it?”

“Yeah, I understand it as much as I can,” he returned. “But marriage means two different things to us. You think of it as this unnecessary step that people take to enforce or prove their monogamy, but I think of it as a way to fully dedicate myself to someone, one hundred and ten percent. I think of it as belonging to someone and that person belonging to me, no questions asked. It’s a craving, Eliza, and you’re the only woman I’ve ever known that lacks that craving. I don’t know how to feel about it.”

“Did Presley tell you that compromising would be to do it my way?” I asked curtly.

“No, she doesn’t need to, but clearly you two have already had this conversation,” he answered. “Eli…I respect the way you feel, I really do, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

I could feel the irritation pressing against the inside of my skull, suffocating my brain. “So then why are we here? Why are we even having this conversation?” My tone was clipped and impatient.

“Because we’re falling for eachother and it’s too late to walk away,” he responded, smiling at me as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “I’m just hoping that eventually…if we’re together for that long…one of us will change our mind.”

“And if neither of us does?”

“Then we’ll deal with it when the time comes.” He stood up and took my hands, coaxing me off of my stool. “Now let’s stop talking about this. We’ve avoided shouting thus far and I’d like to keep it that way.”

“But~”

“Eliza, enough,” he said firmly. “The more you push the issue the more likely I am to get upset. I’m already having a hard time digesting the idea that being Mrs. Leto probably makes you sick.” He pointed down the hallway then. “Please go get your shoes so that we can leave.”

Interesting, I thought to myself. It really does bother him.

I stared him down for another minute, watching as his expression remain unchanged, then spun on my heel and headed down the hallway to retrieve my shoes. “It doesn’t make me sick,” I said over my shoulder. “It just makes me uncomfortable.”

“Don’t fuck with me,” he laughed. “It’s all the same thing to you.”

I sighed to myself. Next question to consider: was it really all the same thing?

****

By 9:00 we were halfway through Hot Fuzz and I was bored out of my mind. Presley and I had seen it three times already but Shannon and Jared hadn’t, so she insisted putting it on despite my pleas not to. So instead of continuing to watch it, I was standing in front of her refrigerator playing with the colorful children’s letter magnets that she’d bought on an impulse. I was pushing together various words and names, then disassembling them only to start all over again.

I couldn’t stop thinking about mine and Jared’s conversation. I don’t know why it all bothered me so much. He seemed perfectly content to talk about anything else all the way over to Presley’s house, and I was fairly positive that he’d completely put aside our earlier subject matter. I envied that he didn’t seem to dwell on most things. I was a dweller. I could sit for hours, staring dumbly at any random object in my house, lost in thought.

Maybe that was my problem. Maybe I was overthinking it all. Maybe I should take a page out of his book and try not to focus on it until we broached the subject once again.

I sighed heavily at the thought. Wasn’t that what I’d been trying to do for hours? It clearly wasn’t working.

I pushed a few more letters around, hesitantly spelling out ‘Leto,’ and dropped my hands to my sides. I had to decide one way or the other. Was I going to bring it back up once we left here or was I going to keep trying to let it go?

“Hey, you okay?”

At the sound of Shannon’s voice my hand shot out so that I could quickly scramble the letters up. I hoped he hadn’t seen my fancy artwork.

I cleared my throat and glanced over my shoulder at him. “Yeah, I’m fine. Did Presley pause the movie for you?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, moving into the kitchen. I could see him lean against the counter near the sink and cross his arms over his chest in my peripheral vision. “She’s showing Jared some photos from a cruise you guys took last summer.”

“Ah yes,” I chuckled, toying with more letters. “The cruise where we spent an entire five days shitfaced out of our minds.” I smiled to myself at the ridiculous memories that flooded through me. “Did you know that we went backpacking through Europe the first summer I was here?”

“I did not know that,” he answered. “That must’ve been a lot of fun.”

“It was,” I nodded slowly. “It was the best time of my life. You should ask her about it sometime. She’s got like…three albums full of photos.”

“She certainly likes taking pictures, doesn’t she?” He laughed.

“She sure does,” I laughed back. “She always struck me as the kind of woman who would insist on capturing every big moment of her kids’ lives on camera…”

And there it was, full circle. But this time I managed to backtrack enough to our conversation at the farmer’s market, therefore eliminating most of my own torture.

“I think…” He began quietly, and I sensed that something serious was about to follow. I turned to him with one hand on the refrigerator door, doing my best to smile at him. Shannon and I didn’t often have personal conversations…

“…I’m in love with her,” he finished shyly.

My jaw dropped and I desperately searched for something to say. “Uh…wow,” seemed to be the best thing I could come up with. I felt like a jerk.

“Hey!”

We both jumped upon Jared’s sudden appearance in the kitchen doorway.

“Jesus,” I mumbled. “I never hear you two coming. You must’ve been ninjas in another lifetime…”

Jared chuckled, but neither myself nor Shannon turned to look at him. We were too busy staring at one another. What an oddly well-timed interruption to an even odder conversation.

“Hey are we gonna finish the movie or what?” Presley called out, her short, quick footsteps halting only when she was standing next to Jared in the doorway. I could see her green eyes dancing back and forth between me, Shannon and Jared. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Shannon smiled. He dropped his arms and pushed away from the countertop. “We were just talking about…” His eyes briefly wandered to mine, looking for some help.

“Popcorn,” I blurted out, spinning around to look at Presley and Jared. “We were thinking about making some popcorn.”

Jared snorted, laughing under his breath as he moved out of the doorway and began back towards the livingroom. I tried my best not to glare angrily after him. While it’s true that I’m not the world’s most impressive liar, I did have the ability to fool Presley every so often. I just hoped he hadn’t ruined it for me.

“Oh,” she finally smiled, and I could see then that she believed us. “We can do that.”

“Okay,” I nodded with relief. “I’ll just…leave you two at it and…head back to the livingroom.”

A minute later I was collapsing into the couch next to Jared. His arms immediately snaked around my waist and he pulled me close, planting a kiss on the crown of my head.

“What the hell was that about?” He asked.

“Nothing, just…your brother thinks he’s in love,” I replied quietly.

I couldn’t hear it, but I could feel the hum of Jared’s content sigh vibrating through his chest.

“Good for him,” he whispered. “I’m glad.”

“Yeah,” I agreed weakly. “Me too.”

Jared laughed softly, yet the sound wasn’t condescending. “You don’t sound very convincing.”

“How can I?” I returned. “It’s just…so easy for them, you know? I envy them for it.”

“It could be that easy for us, too,” he shrugged, still whispering as he tightened his arms around me. “Everything’s a choice.”

“I wish I believed that,” I sighed.

He kissed me again. “Maybe you will. There’s always room to grow.”

I smiled at that and pressed a tender kiss to his forearm, letting my lips linger on his skin. “I can buy that,” I whispered in return.