Life on Mars

*Jared’s POV*

I held Eliza in my arms for a long time when we reached the airport. We didn’t care who saw. We didn’t care who may have been snapping pictures on their cell phones, or who might’ve caught a glimpse of us holding hands as we crossed the causeway into the terminal. All that mattered was that we were together at that very moment and that in 24 hours we would be together again. I found it difficult to think of anything but her during the entire flight back to L.A. All I wanted was to be stretched out on a chaise lounge chair beside her pool with her head on my chest, slowly running my fingers through her hair as we talked about anything and everything.

When I finally landed in Los Angeles and powered my cell phone back on it went crazy with new voicemail and text message alerts. I laughed a little to myself as I watched them steadily come through one by one. Vacations stopped feeling like vacations almost as soon as I moved to Los Angeles. I wasn’t sure what made me think this short trip would be any different.

But my smile was quickly replaced by a frown when I caught sight of Shannon’s text: “Huge problem. Call me ASAP.”

Shannon wasn’t the dramatic type. I couldn’t imagine what would cause him to send a text message like that.

I swiped my thumb across the screen again, quickly locating his cell phone number and pressing ‘dial’ as I joined the other passengers that were filing off the plane. Once again, atypical of him, Shannon answered after the first ring.

“You need to come straight to my house,” was the first thing he said.

Something in his voice immediately put me on edge. “Shann…” I ventured carefully. “What’s going on? Is Mom okay?”

“Mom’s fine, everyone’s fine,” he reassured me. “But...Helena is here right now. She’s been here for the last two hours.”

My mouth went dry and for a moment I thought my knees would buckle beneath me. An image of the southern sun dancing through her long, dark hair and honey brown eyes flashed through my head. “Fuck,” I murmured. “She never told me she was coming into town.”

“Apparently it was last minute,” Shannon clarified. “But it’s more complicated than that. She’ll explain when you get here. All you need to know right now is that she brought Jacob with her.”

I quickly stepped aside and out of the flow of exiting traffic once I was inside the airport, collapsing against the wall with a heavy sigh into the phone. “You called it,” I grumbled. “You’ve been telling me this was going to happen from the beginning. I should’ve just fucking listened.”

“Well…” Shannon sighed in return, his tone softening. “No use in dwelling, you can’t change things now. You’ll just have to spend the next 24 hours trying to figure out how to break the news to Eliza.”

Then Eliza’s stunning face flashed through my mind and I felt a simultaneous pain in my heart and lurch in my stomach. This was not going to go well. I was an asshole for not saying anything sooner.

“Look,” Shannon began again, rescuing me from my thoughts, “we’ll all talk about this over dinner tonight. Just get over here and spend some time with your kid. There’s no right answer here, so you might as well enjoy the time you can get with him before the shit hits the fan tomorrow. In the meantime, put your poker voice on and call Eliza to let her know you landed safely.”

“In other words…pretend she’s the press?” I forced a lame joke.

Shannon let out a short chuckle. “Exactly.”

“Right,” I sighed. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

****

I barely had Shannon’s front door closed and my duffle bag on the floor before Jacob came running across the foyer, shouting “Daaaaad!” at the top of his seven year-old lungs and throwing himself against me. I laughed, my heart melting as I leaned down, scooped him up into my arms and placed a noisy, sloppy kiss on his cheek. He giggled loudly, his arms so tight around my neck that he was damn near choking me, then pulled away to look into my eyes. We grinned happily at one another.

He looked more like me every day. He had the same thin top lip, the same wavy brown hair, the same big blue eyes, and the same long eyelashes that my mother always said she would “kill for.” There was absolutely no mistaking that he was my son.

My son. They are words I never thought I would find myself saying. Even now, after all these years, I’m still not sure I’ve ever quite adjusted. Jacob had been surprising me since the day he was conceived...

“I’ve missed you,” I confessed to him, pulling him in for another hug.

“Me too,” he mumbled into my neck.

“How was your flight?” I asked, resting my cheek against the crown of his head. I began to make my way towards Shannon’s kitchen, following the voices.

“It was good,” Jacob replied. “Me and Mom played ‘Go Fish’ and she let me pick out a snack when the lady came around.”

“Oh yeah? Did you get anything good?” I prodded with amusement. He had never minded flying. Definitely my kid.

Jacob pulled away again, rubbing his little fingertips against the stubble on my chin as he nonchalantly answered, “Oreos.”

I had to laugh at that. “I see. Are we gonna have a hard time getting you to bed tonight then, since you’re all sugared up?”

Jacob shook his head vigorously as I stepped into the kitchen. He immediately wiggled out of my arms and ran over to Shannon to ask for a juice box. Shannon began explaining to him, which clearly wasn’t the first time, that all he was getting was water, and to stop asking for a juice box. Meanwhile, my eyes met Helena’s. I closed the gap between us and we briefly hugged.

She cut right to the chase. “I finally got an interview lined up out here with an event planner in West Hollywood. They called the day before yesterday and wanted me out here today. I couldn’t find anyone to watch Jacob for a couple of days so I had to bring him with me. I know the last time we talked about this was almost six months ago but…” She drifted off, unsure of what else to say.

I smiled reassuringly at her. She didn’t owe me any explanations. I was the only one who needed to be explaining myself. “So how did the interview go?” I questioned, catching sight of Jacob darting out of the room while pretending he was an airplane and shaking my head in amusement.

“Really well, I think,” she shrugged. “But I don’t want to get my hopes up, you know?”

“Please, I’m sure you killed it,” Shannon suddenly chimed in, giving her a hopeful look. “Anyone would be lucky to have you.” Helena smiled gratefully in return and Shannon winked at her, then directed his attention to me. “How’s Eliza?”

“She’s good,” I nodded. “It was nice to spend some time with her outside of L.A. for once. Violet is nuts. And it turns out she and Holden used to date.”

“Oh yeah?” Shannon cocked an eyebrow. “What happened?”

“Violet was willing to move out here to be with him but he shot her down,” I shrugged.
“Personally, I think he’s an idiot. Don’t get me wrong, Gwen is awesome, but so is Violet.”

“Right person, right time,” Helena chimed in. “I think everyone in this room can agree to that.”

“Amen,” Shannon nodded. Then he looked at me again. “So on that note, I’m gonna call Pres and cancel our date for tonight. I assume you want to shower and then…we’ll make dinner and start doing some damage control.”

“Can you call Tomo, too?” I asked. “He’s family and…he’s become a good friend of Eliza’s. If no one objects, I think he should be here. Plus…it’s probably best if I cover all my bases at this point.” I avoided eye contact with Shannon as I spoke the last sentence. I could already feel the expression he was giving me.

“Fine by me,” Helena shrugged. “In the mean time I’ll do my best to keep Jacob from breaking anything…”

Shannon and I watched as she swiftly disappeared from the kitchen, then exchanged a knowing look. “My house is not childproof,” he sighed dramatically. “Your son is a steady reminder of that every time he comes to visit.”

“Neither is mine,” I added. “He’s a good kid, he finds ways to preoccupy himself that don’t involve…you know…total destruction and mass chaos. He’s not exactly 3 years old and terrorizing anymore.”

“This is true,” Shannon nodded. “But if Helena gets this job then I might have to load up on some toys or something for when he comes over. That way no one has to follow him from room to room.”

“Fuck that,” I laughed. “Make him bring his toys from home. He’s spoiled enough. The last thing he needs is more shit.”

“That is aaaall you,” Shannon laughed in return. “You’re a spoiler. A skinny teddy bear with tattoos.”

We were both laughing as I flipped him off and turned to leave the room so I could head upstairs for a shower. I paused long enough in the foyer to grab my bag and began ascending Shannon’s long staircase, grinning as I heard Jacob let out a shriek of laughter from another room. I loved his laugh, so carefree and full of life, and it was one of the things I missed most about him when we were apart. A pang of regret shot through me like lightning, and I simultaneously wished that I’d spent more time with him over the years, and that I’d already shared this part of my life with Eliza.

There were a million reasons I could give her as to why I hadn’t told her about Jacob, but I knew none of them would be good enough. Deep down, I already knew that she’d see this as the ultimate violation of trust. She would tell me that she’d taken a chance on me, that she’d opened up and been honest despite her reservations, and I had failed to tell her that while I’d never wanted kids…I actually already had one. Some things we can’t bounce back from. Would this be one of those things?

And I remembered that weeks ago, when all this began, I had good reasons for not telling her. Now, I couldn’t recall a single one.

****

Jacob’s existence was the ultimate catch-22 in my life. While I had always wished his arrival was less cliché and more glamorous, it did not dull the sparkle he brought into my family. The story of how I met his mother wasn’t spectacular or out of the ordinary and we’d done nothing more than have a one night stand.

A group of us had gone to New Orleans for Mardi Gras eight years ago. We’d never been, so we booked the best hotel we could find. The woman who ran the hotel restaurant, Helena, had quickly become accustomed to our group’s late night stays at the same large round table. We were often the last ones to leave before we stumbled back out into the night to drink ourselves into oblivion.

But the last night there was different. While Tomo had gone out with the rest of the guys, Shannon and I had stayed at the table, trading stories of our unique childhood over Scotch. We were intentionally sober – neither of us liked the idea of getting on a plane hungover the next morning – and per usual, Helena stopped by our table to see if there was anything else we would like. Shannon convinced her, after much reluctance on her part, to sit with us, and suddenly all three of us were telling stories about what it was like to be from Louisiana. After an hour we decided to retire to our rooms, and as Shannon slowly made his way towards the restaurant’s wide doorway, I went out on a limb and turned to Helena.

“I’m in room 220,” I informed her quietly. “If you’d like some company tonight…you know where to find me.”

Thirty minutes later she arrived, a shy smile on her face, and I was overcome with relief since I’d been feeling especially lonely lately. She took it upon herself to show me her birth control, which she carried around in her purse, then pulled out a condom and shrugged with an awkward laugh.

“No offense, but my very southern Momma wouldn’t take too kindly to me getting knocked up by some Hollywood star,” she informed me.

I couldn’t help but laugh in return. “None taken,” I assured her.
But sometimes no matter what you do, it isn’t enough. The condom broke at the very last second and just so she could easily reach me if the worst-case scenario indeed came to fruition, I got up in the middle of the night while she was sleeping and discreetly slid my phone number into her purse.

A month later, as I’d feared, she called me for the first time, sobbing uncontrollably to tell me that she was pregnant. Her very old-school, traditional family was both mortified and livid, and she kept repeating that she swore she didn’t get pregnant on purpose, and that she knew what it sounded like but she promised it was mine.

I got on the next flight I could, suffered through the judging expressions of her family for an entire weekend, and swore that I would do everything in my power to be there for both Helena and our child. When Helena’s mother asked if I was going to marry her, Helena jumped to our defense, saying that she had no interest in marrying me simply because there was now a child linking us together. I agreed. That was no life for any of us.

My family reacted very differently. I brought Helena back home with me and watched the way my mother, brother, and grandmother embraced her with open and loving arms. My grandmother in particular was ecstatic that she was finally going to be a great-grandmother, remarking that up to this point both Shannon and I had been “lazy” when it came to settling down.

And thus, Jacob Henry Phillips was born, and although we’d decided he would have his mother’s last name, I gladly had mine on his birth certificate. When I held him for the first time I vowed with every inch of my being that I would protect him and his happiness no matter the cost. As long as he was alive he would want for nothing, his every dream would be supported, and I would stand by his side through any and all hardships, guiding him as best I could.

Before his arrival I thought parentage was glorified. Now I knew that it was everything everyone said it was.

Helena and I had respect and affection for one another, but we did not love one another. We’d never even come close to it. We just shared in the joy of our son together and did the best we could in raising him. Because we both wanted to protect him, she stayed in Louisiana and I tried my best to visit every two weeks as long as I was stateside. Once he began school two years ago, conversations began about her potentially relocating to the Los Angeles area so that we could be closer as Jacob grew into a young man. Neither of us were in any rush, and I left it to Helena to decide when and if an appropriate opportunity arose.

And now, it seemed that time had come.

****

An hour later Tomo arrived at Shannon’s front door fully stocked with alcohol. He hoisted everything up onto the kitchen counter and sighed. “Tom Collins for the lady,” he winked at Helena. “Scotch for the Brothers Leto,” he looked at me and Shannon. “And a shit ton of beer for me. Where’s the little twerp?”

“Probably ripping apart my entire house,” Shannon shrugged.

Helena slapped his arm and Shannon laughed. “Actually,” she began sarcastically. “He’s watching TV in the livingroom.”

Tomo nodded. “Please tell me he’s already eaten so that the adults can start discussing this…disaster.”

“Yes, he has. And thanks, asshole,” I glared at him.

“You dug your own grave, bro,” he chuckled. “It’s not like I’m saying anything you don’t already know. Anyway, pour drinks. I’m gonna go say hi.”

We all watched as he left the kitchen and then I turned to Shannon and Helena with a frown. “Maybe…we shouldn’t have called him.”

They both laughed and Helena moved towards the bags Tomo had left on the counter. “He brought booze, I beg to differ. I think we’re all gonna need a stiff drink for this.”

I slid onto a bar stool and watched as Shannon handed her various glasses and she began pouring drinks. Shannon put the beer away in the refrigerator and cracked one open for Tomo just as he reappeared in the kitchen.

“He grew like a foot since the last time I saw him,” he commented in awe.

Helena laughed as she handed him his beer and he approached her for an overdue embrace. “Yeah he has a way of doing that,” she grinned proudly.

Everyone silently carried their drinks over to the eat-in table and began filling their plates with food. I was the one who had to break the ice, and it wasn’t long before I was letting out a massive sigh as I stared down at my plate. “I think I made a giant mistake,” I finally admitted.

“It’s too late for talk like that, little brother,” Shannon countered. “I think you just…have to find a way to tell her. And I mean tell her everything. I think I speak for everyone when I say that you should’ve been completely honest from the very start, but it’s never too late to try and redeem yourself, as long it’s coming from a sincere place.”

“I agree,” Tomo nodded. “Eliza’s a no bullshit kind of person but come on, you can’t tell me she doesn’t have any secrets of her own.”

“This is a little different,” I laughed sardonically. “At the end of the day, my child shouldn’t have been a secret. Not from her.”

“There’s nothing wrong with trying to protect your son,” Helena chimed in. “Isn’t that what you’ve been trying to do all these years? You’ve never told any other woman about him, right?”

I shook my head. “No, but…Eliza’s different. I think I was just…afraid.”

“Of what?” Helena pressed gently.

“Rejection,” I confessed. “I didn’t want to lose her before I ever even had her, and I felt like I knew what her reaction would be if she found out.”

Helena reached out and laid her hand upon mine comfortingly. “There’s nothing wrong with that,” she reassured me tenderly. “But I think you need to tell her that.”

“Hey speaking of which…” Tomo directed his attention to Shannon with a frown, “dare I ask what you’re going to say to Presley?”

And as Tomo spoke her name Shannon covered his ears childishly and began repeating, “I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you,” over and over again, which made all of us laugh. Then he dropped his hands and shook his head disparagingly. “I don’t even want to think about it. Something tells me one or both of us is going to end up single at the end of all this.”

I looked at Shannon apologetically, and when his green eyes met mine they were just as apologetic. That was my brother, always in my corner. He lifted his glass and gave me one curt nod. “Family first,” he said firmly.

I lifted my glass as well and returned the same curt nod. “Family first,” I echoed.

****

It took everything in my power to remain calm the next day. Once returning to my house after dinner the night before with Helena and Jacob, Helena and I stayed up until about one o’clock in the morning talking about our son and where the two of them might live if they did end up relocating. I made it clear that I wanted them close, and that if finances were an issue I would happily bridge that gap, just as I’d always have

Around mid-morning Shannon came to pick up Helena so that they could bustle around doing whatever it is they do together while I waited for Eliza to arrive. She’d called me during her layover and told me she would be coming over as soon as she dropped her things off at home, as she was eager to see me. It pained me to hear her excitement when I knew that in just a few short hours that excitement would surely transition to fury. I still wasn’t sure what I was going to say to her or how I was going to say it, but I knew that I had to try. I couldn’t let this go on any longer, and I most certainly wasn’t going to hide my son and his mother while they were staying in my home. Even I recognized the pure and utter deception such an act would represent, and I knew that it would only add insult to injury.

It was exactly 2:14 p.m. when I heard the front door open and Eliza’s voice shouting hello. I couldn’t help the smile that overtook my face as I stepped out of the kitchen and approached her with open arms. She fell into them easily, her hands cupping my face as she kissed me deeply.

“I missed you,” she whispered when we broke apart, her face close to mine. Her familiar scent and taste satiated my every cell.

“I missed you too,” I returned, my arms still circling her waist.

“Hey so what’s up with Shannon?” She suddenly asked, concern filling her gray eyes. “Presley said he canceled last minute on her last night and now his car is in your driveway. Is he here? Is he okay?”

“No,” I shook my head. He and Helena had taken her rental car so as to arise less suspicion. “He’s out. And everything’s okay. It’s a long story.”

Something in my tone threw her off and she didn’t bother trying to hide it. She slowly pulled away, dropping her arms to her side as she peered at me curiously. “I know your vulnerable look well,” she murmured. “What’s going on?”

I sighed, taking a step closer to her, which caused her to immediately take a step back. “Please, just…let me show you,” I pleaded quietly. “Please.” I turned my attention to my stairway and took a breath. “Hey Jacob, can you come down here please?”

His response was immediate. “Coming!”

Eliza’s eyes, which were once trained on the stairwell, were now drilling into me. But I kept my eyes on the stairwell, smiling reassuringly at my son as he appeared at the top and wordlessly descended the stairs to the first floor. When he hit the landing I motioned for him to join me. I finally turned to Eliza.

She froze as her gaze connected with his face. No doubt she’d immediately realized that he was the spitting image of me.

“And…who might this be?” She breathed, forcing a strained smile. Her eyes never left Jacob, and as he shrunk into my side I slipped an arm around his shoulders and affectionately pulled him closer to me.

“This is my son, Jacob,” I answered carefully. “He lives in Louisiana with his mother and they came into town unexpectedly yesterday.”

Eliza’s lips tightened. “What a pleasant surprise,” she said, reaching a hand out to Jacob. “I’m Eliza, a friend of your father’s. It’s nice to meet you, Jacob.”

And just as I’d taught him, he reached out and shook her hand firmly. “It’s nice to meet you, too, Eliza.”

“Hey kiddo, why don’t you go ahead back upstairs?” I encouraged him. “Eliza and I need to have a private conversation.”

“Okay Dad,” he nodded. He gave Eliza a small wave and said, “See ya!” before bouncing back up the stairwell.

I watched him ascend the stairs once again and when I was sure he was out of earshot I returned my attention to Eliza. I could see the way her pulse was racing through the jugular vein in her neck and the way she was gripping the handle of her purse.

When she spoke I could tell she was fighting to keep her voice low. “I don’t even want to know,” she hissed. “I’m leaving.”

She turned to go and I grabbed her arm but she quickly spun on me, ripping her arm out of my grip with a surprising amount of force.

“Don’t you dare fucking touch me,” she seethed, her metallic eyes burning. “I cannot believe this.”

“Eliza, let me explain,” I replied calmly. “I think if I do then maybe you’ll understand.”

“What could you possibly think I would understand?” She growled. “Let me guess – that poor boy has been living his whole life, what, knowing you’re his father but never being able to talk about it? Is that what he means to you? And then you think it’s acceptable to believe for even a second that it’s more beneficial to our relationship to pretend he doesn’t exist? What do you do, Jared? Do you just morph yourself into whatever you think a person wants you to be instead of just owning up to whoever the fuck you are?”

I opened my mouth to speak but she went on.

“My God, I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of, but at least I’m honest about who I am!” She shouted, pointing to herself. “I would never dream of doing what you’ve done. I would never lie to you like that…”

“I never meant to keep this from you,” I started, “and I had to know that it was right to tell you in the first place.”

Eliza scoffed and shook her head. “I don’t even know what that means, Jared.”

“It means I’m trying to protect my son,” I returned. “It’s all I’ve been doing since the day Helena told me she was pregnant. I won’t have his safety and his wellbeing jeopardized just because of the lifestyle I lead.”

“Well you know what? Something tells me that works out a little better for you than it does for him,” she pointed out bitterly.

“Maybe it does, but it doesn’t make my effort to protect him any less meaningful or sincere,” I defended. “I’m a father, Eliza, a parent, and I can’t bring anyone into his life unless I believe they’re going to stick around. You’ve made your disdain for children clear. And I’m ashamed to admit it, but I didn’t want to give you one more reason to reject the notion of us being together, of even trying to be together. Don’t you understand? We were drawn together. I couldn’t let that go to waste.”

I watched as she adjusted her purse on her shoulder and closed her eyes, taking in a deep, measured breath. Before she opened them again, she spoke carefully. “I never said I didn’t like children, I just said I didn’t want any of my own. The truth is that I just don’t feel any kind of maternal instinct.” She opened her eyes then, and my heart broke when I saw that they were filled with tears of betrayal. Instinctively I took a step towards her, just as I had before, and her reaction was the same. She backed away. “And that connection?” She went on. “Well…clearly neither of us knows the other as well as we thought we did.”

She turned to go again and I tried again to stop her, but she pushed me away with such urgency and devastation that I finally stopped grabbing at her. No doubt my son had heard the shouting, and I didn’t want to create another scene. This was going to be challenging enough to explain to him.

I watched from the doorway as Eliza quickly walked to her car, wiping tears away the entire time. She paused outside the driver’s side door, and I think she somehow sensed that I was at the doorway. I stepped out onto the front stoop and her head snapped towards me. She shook it vigorously and I paused. The look on her face distinctly told me, ‘This is about as close as you’re going to get from now on.’

My heart fell. After trying so hard to get it right this time I finally had to admit to myself that I had fucked up.

Big time.