Life on Mars

*Eliza’s POV*

I hated talking about my childhood. I hated thinking about it, I hated remembering it, and I hated recalling any event that hadn’t served as a significant moment in my life.

But I wanted Jared to know. I wanted him to know all the same things I’d told Presley and Holden so that he would never feel as if I’d left anything out. I meant what I said to him when we were standing in the middle of my bedroom: I wanted to be clear about everything. That meant I couldn’t hold back, not if I really wanted to take a leap of faith.

He seemed to understand that despite my words and despite the simple truths about my life that I had come to face in the short time since meeting him, that I still needed to move slow. I wasn’t the type to dive headfirst into anything. I never had been. I was constantly reevaluating the world and my place within it. I questioned how I could better myself and the lives of those closest to me. I wondered how I could be a better writer, a better friend to Presley and Holden, and a better cousin to Violet. I tortured myself over which charities to donate money to and which causes I believed in the most.

In essence, I’d created two jobs for myself: writing…and living. Both kept me up at night and both were the absolute bane of my existence, as well as my reason for being.

What can I say? I’m a complete whore for irony.

Our conversation in the car on the way to Les Deux taught me that, ironically, I knew far less about Jared than I realized. I shouldn’t have been surprised, though. It wasn’t like I’d told him anything about my family or upbringing in the last week. But as I learned those same things of him during the drive, I found that in many ways we weren’t very different at all.

His biological father passed away shortly after his parents divorced. Jared was very young at the time and didn’t remember much about him. His mother eventually remarried, and when his stepfather adopted both he and Shannon, the boys took his last name. After a few years his stepfather and mother divorced. His mother moved the boys all over the country, even Haiti for a short time, and during that time his stepfather remarried. Besides Shannon, he had two half brothers and one half sister from his stepfather’s second wife. He rarely spoke to his stepfather and his half siblings. Shannon, his mother, and his grandmother, Ruby, were clearly his only concern when it came to family.

He had an artistic upbringing, always around photographers and painters. He’d always loved the visual arts and music, the same as Shannon, and their mother always supported any endeavor they desired to take on. He was never popular in high school, just as I wasn’t, and hung out with an unusual crowd. Oddly enough, he often fantasized about being a drug dealer when he grew older, he constantly shoplifted, and a few times he even broke into neighbors’ homes simply to sit on the furniture in their empty house and enjoy the silence.

He went to school in Philadelphia, New York, and Virginia before graduating from a tiny college preparatory school in Washington, D.C., called Emerson. A few years later he packed a bag and moved to Los Angeles with only five hundred dollars in his pocket. He stayed at shelters until he began landing acting jobs and made enough money to get an apartment, and it wasn’t long after that that Shannon moved to Los Angeles, too. Eventually Jared landed a spot on My So-Called Life, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Truth be told, I was envious of his upbringing when I compared it to my own. His mother supported him and loved him no matter what he did with his life. My own parents, particularly my mother, thought that writing wasn’t a “real career.” They hadn’t approved of my culinary career, either. They would’ve preferred if I’d been a lawyer or a doctor or an entrepreneur. They told me I should do something powerful, not something that exposed my deepest thoughts.

I loved them because they were my parents and we shared the same blood, but as people I couldn’t stand them. I wrote because I loved it, but I’ve always been convinced that I found the last bit of courage I needed to send out my first manuscript when I realized my potential success would spite them. I wanted to defy them, I wanted to throw it in their faces, and I was ecstatic when that day finally came, and kept coming with each new novel published. I simply basked in my spite.

Realizing we’d arrived downtown was the only thing that distracted me from my resentful memories...

“You look upset,” Jared commented as he pulled open the passenger door of his car and helped me climb out.

“I’m okay,” I reassured him, listening as he shut the door again behind me. I squeezed his hand as he pulled me towards the stairwell of the parking garage. “I’m just jealous. Your Mom sounds like a really great woman.”

“She is,” he nodded. “Sometimes I think that the only reason I made it this far is because she made me and Shann feel like we could do anything.” He smiled wistfully at me and let go of my hand, only to wrap that arm around my waist and pull me close. “But you shouldn’t be jealous, Eli. No matter what kind of people you think your parents are…you’ve turned out wonderful.”

“Thanks,” I whispered appreciatively. I draped an arm around him and leaned my head against his shoulder.

We walked in silence for a few minutes, making our way down the stairwell and onto the street. Our bodies were pressed to one another’s the entire time, and I noticed that he was wearing the same cologne that he was wearing the first night we met. I had to work hard not to bury my face in his neck. How had I managed to stay so far away from him for the last week? I must be crazy…

“So what time are Holden and his girlfriend supposed to show up?” He suddenly asked. “They’re coming later, right?”

“Yeah, they’re having dinner first,” I replied. “We just found out her name is Gwen. Can you believe that?”

“What? That her name is Gwen?” He laughed.

“No,” I laughed in return. “That he’s been dating her for a week and it took until this afternoon to find out what her damn name was. Pres and I were starting to think that she was made up or something…”

Jared laughed again. “I take it that means he doesn’t date often?”

“Oh he does,” I answered. “It just means that his interest doesn’t last long. It tends to dwindle by about the third day. This girl must either be killer gorgeous or somehow, she’s already managing to tame him. I pray it’s the latter…”

“Well I guess we’ll find out shortly,” he smiled.

****

Two hours later I was three margaritas in and so deep in conversation with Tomo that I’d almost forgotten all about Holden. He still hadn’t shown up, neither myself nor Presley had heard from him yet, and we’d already started joking that he’d stood us up.

Tomo was, by far, one of the most interesting people I’d ever met. Jared had mentioned earlier that he’d had culinary training as well, and that once he became a pastry chef he almost gave up music altogether. Shannon’s coaxing him into auditioning for an open spot in 30 Seconds to Mars was the only reason he hadn’t.

We talked about what kind of education we’d received, what chefs we’d worked with, and what dishes we loved best. We argued over ingredients and the potency of certain spices, and we discussed what wines went best with what meats. He told me that he loved making Japanese food and I told him that I loved making Italian food. He even invited me to the restaurant his parents owned in town, and by the time we’d switched subjects we’d decided that some night soon, we would make dinner for everyone.

This seemed to be some milestone, because up until that point Shannon, Presley and Jared had been carrying on a conversation of their own. Shannon was the first to hear mine and Tomo’s agreement, and he literally stopped whatever he was saying to repeat our words to Jared.

Jared’s eyes narrowed as he turned to Tomo. “Are you fucking kidding me? It takes a pretty woman to convince you to cook for us?”

“Maybe,” Tomo laughed. “But what do you expect when I’ve only had you assholes trying to talk me into doing it for almost ten years? After a while it wasn’t even so much that I didn’t want to do it, it’s that saying no has become second nature.” Then he gestured to me. “But if I’ve got this lovely lady to help me defend my place in the kitchen and keep you animals out, then I’m all game.”

I smiled smugly at Jared and Shannon as I rested my back against the couch. Jared was still glaring at Tomo when he slipped an arm around my shoulders. Just as I leaned into him my cell phone started to vibrate, and once I dug it out from where it was wedged between our legs and glanced at the screen, I looked up at Presley.

“It’s a text from Holden,” I told her. “He just got here.”

“Well it’s about fucking time,” she rolled her eyes. She untangled herself from Shannon’s arms and stood up, holding her hand out to me. “Come on,” she nodded towards the door. “Let’s go get his ass.”

I nodded in agreement, taking her hand and letting her pull me to my feet. “We’ll be right back,” I told Jared over my shoulder. “We have to pre-screen the new girlfriend…”

I could hear the boys snickering away as Presley tugged me out of the lounge area. I texted Holden back to let him know that we were on our way towards the front, and just as I got one back Presley spotted him.

“Holden!” She shouted. Then she pulled me to her side and leaned close. “Eli, he’s alone. I thought you talked to him earlier and he said he was bringing Gwen.”

I looked up and saw that she was right. He was standing near the bar closest to the door, looking as handsome as always, with a drink already in hand. He smiled brightly as soon as he saw us, but as we grew nearer I could see the weariness in his blue eyes.

“What’s the deal?” Presley asked as they embraced. “H…is this an imaginary girlfriend or are you just scared to introduce her to us?”

“Neither of those things, I swear,” he sighed in exasperation. He leaned towards me and planted a kiss on my cheek, then took a long sip of his drink. “We had dinner, just like we planned, and while we were on our way here her best friend called. She found her fiancée in bed with another woman. So…I detoured and dropped Gwen off at her place so they could cry together or…whatever.”

“See?” I gasped. “And you guys think I’m crazy for not wanting to ever get married. This is what happens when people decide to get married.”

“So cynical,” Holden mumbled to Presley, taking another sip of his drink. “Anyway, look, I promise you two will meet her as soon we can all work out our schedules. In the mean time, any updates with the Leto boys?”

“Oh don’t even ask,” I waved a hand dismissively.

Holden cocked an eyebrow at Presley quizzically and Presley’s face lit up almost immediately.

“Let’s just say Jared now knows where the spare key is and Eli didn’t kill me for it,” she announced proudly.

“Yeah and I should’ve…” I grumbled.

“You’re kidding,” Holden said in disbelief. “How in the hell did that happen? I mean…does that mean you two have hit it off?”

“They hit it off the first night,” Presley pointed out. “But you know how Eli is…”

I slapped Presley’s arm forcefully. “Everything’s fine,” I nodded. “I just…crack under the right kinds of pressure.”

“And…you’re sure about this, Izzy?” Holden asked softly. “About him, I mean?”

“So far…yes,” I sighed.

He nodded slowly and reached up to adjust the collar of his shirt, then twisted around just enough to swap out his empty glass with a full one. Presley and I hadn’t even noticed that he’d finished his drink, or that the bartender had prepared him a second.

“What?” He questioned upon seeing the way we were gaping at him. “Don’t look at me like that. You two are my best friends. I’m closer to you than I am to my own brother, and he’s my twin. I might as well be a fucking gay guy.” He grimaced and almost looked as if he were going to throw up, then composed himself enough to go on. “My point is…you’ve never both been taken at the same time so I needed a drink before I met these guys. Now that I’ve got one in my system and a second in my hand, I’m ready.”

“Now who’s being cynical?” I snorted. “Come on then.” I grabbed his free hand and began to lead the way towards the lounge area again, pausing briefly to make sure Presley was following. The two of them chattered back and forth all the way there, and a few minutes later Presley collapsed on the couch next to Shannon and I towed Holden to my side.

“Boys,” I grinned. “This is Holden Tyler, my friend, agent and publicist. Holden, this is Shannon and Jared Leto, and Tomo Milicevic.”

As the handshaking ensued I sat down between Jared and Tomo again. Holden and Shannon began talking instantly, and Jared’s arm snaked around my shoulders to pull me close.

“Where’s the new girlfriend?” He whispered in my ear.

I twisted just enough so that I could look into his eyes. “Her best friend found her fiancée in bed with another woman,” I answered. “H had to turn around and drop Gwen off at her friend’s place. It’s why he’s so late.”

“I see,” he nodded. Then he smirked amusingly. “Still think she’s made up?”

“No,” I laughed. “His disappointment was obvious the second we saw him.”

“Sounds like it really matters to him what you girls think of her.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” I agreed. “He rarely ever introduces us to anyone he takes out.”

“And what about you?” He questioned. “Does it matter what your friends think of me?”

I chuckled softly. “Is this your way of asking me if I’ll change my mind if he tells me he hates you?”

I could tell by the look in his eyes that at first he was considering denying it, but for some reason he relented.

“Maybe,” he admitted. “It’s just that…I already know what Presley thinks of me and…Holden’s a guy, you know? And he’s one of your best friends. What if he tells you he thinks I’m a dick? You may not agree with him, but it doesn’t make things any easier for you.”

He was right, I knew that, but I also knew that there was no way I could convince him that Holden wouldn’t feel that way about him. Holden didn’t hate anybody, but I did sense his skepticism earlier. All things considered, I found it ironic. A week earlier he’d been telling Presley to get me a boyfriend. Now, he didn’t seem so sure of our company.

I glanced at Holden then, watching the way he laughed at something Shannon said. Nonsense. It was clear that he had no qualms with our company. It didn’t matter what suspicions he may have had in the days leading up to tonight, because now he seemed completely at ease.

I shifted in Jared’s arms, stretching one of mine out and resting it across the back of the couch. I reached up and twisted a lock of his dark hair between my fingers, studying the way it moved. It was so soft and so healthy, and so beautiful when it was grown out.

“You know what doesn’t make any sense to me?” I whispered, bringing my eyes back to his. “It seems that a lot of people have a misconception about you and the type of person you are. But you’d have every right to be a little self-righteous – if that’s what it is, I mean. You’ve worked hard for everything you have and no one just handed it over. So…” I smiled gently. “I don’t think Holden could ever dislike you, even if he tried. And even if he harbored those same misconceptions…it wouldn’t take long for me to show him otherwise. And to answer your question…no one could ever make me change my mind about you.”

His blue eyes got a little glassy then and he looked away. My fingers dropped from his hair and my hand fell onto the back of the couch again. I could see the heavy rise and fall of his chest as he sighed, and thinking he was troubled by something unknown, I lifted my hand again to touch his cheek affectionately. When he still didn’t look at me after a long moment, I pulled his chin towards me.

He gave in with another sigh, and when his eyes met mine again I saw that a distinct sadness had replaced the glassiness. “I don’t even know what to say to that,” he admitted slowly.

I didn’t take his expression personally; I knew I’d spoken strong words. “Just…say that you believe me,” I shrugged, still touching his cheek.

And the sadness suddenly disappeared. He smiled tenderly and rested his hand on top of mine, then turned and kissed the palm of my hand. “Of course I believe you,” he whispered against my skin.

I took my own deep breath as I watched the way his lips moved. I could feel his warm breath pulsing against my palm, consistent and steady as he inhaled and exhaled. I wondered what it would be like to kiss him…

“Eliza…” He beckoned softly, his tone filled with wonderment.

My cheeks flushed and I quickly turned away. He wasn’t stupid. He had to have at least had an idea of what I’ve been thinking. Maybe he’d been thinking it, too.

My face burned even hotter. I cleared my throat and called out to Presley. “Pres, let’s uh…mingle. We can let the boys have some man-time.”

Her green eyes lit up and she shot to her feet within seconds. “Thank God.” She glanced down at Shannon. “No offense, Shann, but you, Holden and Tomo are boring me to death.” She turned to me again. “They’re talking about snowboarding. Snowboarding, Eli. Do you remember what happened when we tried to snowboard in Lake Tahoe last year?”

“Uh…” I pretended to think it over, then nodded as I stood up. “Oh, yep. You got a concussion the first day and I got a concussion the second day. We spent the rest of the trip at the spa. Great view.” I fixed the hem of my dress, reached down to pick up my drink, and nodded for a second time. “Well, now that we’ve managed to successfully embarrass ourselves I think we should go do some shots.”

“Awesome,” she grinned triumphantly. “Thank God we’re not driving ourselves home…”

“Yes, and thank God Jared already knows where the spare key is, right? He won’t need my keys to get the door open,” I retorted sarcastically. I weaved around Jared’s legs to meet her at the head of the table in the center of the seating arrangement. Then she and I scanned the faces of the four remaining bodies, one by one. “If we’re not back in an hour, send a SWAT team.”

****

Well…we weren’t back in an hour. Tomo and Holden wandered over about thirty minutes after Presley and I abandoned the guys, complaining that Shannon and Jared were having some sort of brotherly argument. It wasn’t long after that that Presley got Tomo preoccupied with a pixie cut brunette standing nearby.

“I like these guys,” Holden suddenly declared, slapping his hand against the surface of the table we were sitting at. He was drunk. Drunk and desperately in need of some sleep. Presley and I loved him like this – he was always so adorable.

She and I were slightly buzzed ourselves, but nowhere close to where he was.

“That’s a relief,” I chuckled. “Jared was worried you wouldn’t like him.”

“Interesting,” he mumbled. “You know…not to be redundant on the whole gay thing but…I’m actually kind of flattered.” Then he laughed a little. “Why the fuck does Jared Leto give a shit what I think about him? Oh wait, nevermind, I can answer that on my own. I’m a guy, I’m one of your best friends, and he adores you.”

“I think you might be pushing it with that last part,” I noted. “That’s an awfully strong word.”

“Nah, I don’t think so,” Presley shook her head. “I agree with H. He does seem…rather smitten with you.”

I started to speak but Holden beat me to it. “Are you gonna go home with him?” He asked.

“No way,” I replied firmly. “I just agreed to start seeing him earlier today. He’s gonna have to work harder than that…”

“Ah, that’s my girl!” Holden laughed. He threw an arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. “Now Pres, what about you?”

“Oh I’m with Eli on this one,” she agreed. “Shannon’s not getting away with anything that easily.” Curiosity flashed through her green eyes then. “What about Gwen?” She asked. “Have you slept with her yet?”

Holden sighed dramatically and his arm dropped from my shoulders. “No,” he responded. “Girls…this is serious. You know that, right? People that wait to have sex are like…trying to get it right from the very beginning.” He glanced back and forth between me and Presley several times, then stared down at the tabletop and slowly shook his head. “What are our lives coming to?” He sighed again.

“Um…they’re coming to where they always should’ve been,” Presley said pointedly. “I know we all have different ideas about where we’ll be at fifty but…none of us are meant to be alone.”

Holden laughed to himself and continued shaking his head. “Imagine…you two with the last name Leto. Wouldn’t that be insane?”

“Yes,” I groaned, letting out my own dramatic sigh. “Kids, there isn’t enough money in the world that could convince me to marry anyone, even one of the most beautiful creatures in Hollywood. I don’t care if he can act, sing, and dance to fucking show tunes – there is not a chance in hell that I will ever file for a marriage license.”

“Well then I hope you’ve made this perfectly clear to him,” Holden remarked. “He was engaged to Cameron Diaz, so obviously he doesn’t have an issue with getting married.”

“Okay but they didn’t actually get married,” I added defensively. “And look, we may not even get that far, but just in case, we’ve already talked about where we both stand and he didn’t seem to have a problem with it.”

Holden snorted. “Oh so you mean you’ll compromise by doing it your way?”

I smiled smugly and nodded. “Yep.”

“Yeah let’s see how that works out for you,” he mused. He drained the last of his drink, then folded his arms on the table in front of him. His expression grew grave. “Now on a more serious note…when the cameras start flashing and pictures of you two start popping up on People.com, what would you like me to say?”

I sighed heavily and shrugged. “I don’t know yet, let me think about it. But until further notice….no comment.”

“Should we ask what he’ll be saying?” He asked, glancing over my shoulder behind me. “He’s on his way over here right now, so this would be the perfect opportunity.”

“Nah,” I responded. “I’m sure he’d say no comment anyway. I’ll talk to him about it another time.” I looked over my shoulder just as Jared and Shannon reached us, and no sooner had I twisted back around in my chair than Jared’s arms were wrapped around me securely. He rested his chin on the crown of my head, and I could tell when he spoke that he was addressing Holden.

“We’re thinking about heading out soon. You want to wait it out for a bit or would you like one of us to give you a ride home?” He asked him.

“Oh God, somebody please drive me,” Holden sighed. “If I don’t get to bed soon then I’m seriously gonna pass out right here.”

“We’ll take you,” Shannon offered, his own arms draped around Presley’s shoulders.

Tomo approached then, holding up a small slip of paper and looking ready to go himself. “I got a number,” he announced.

“Perfect timing,” Presley grinned. She high-fived him and we all laughed, and within a few minutes we’d gathered our things and were heading out of Les Deux.