Dove and Grenade

Have you ever loved someone so much you can barely breathe?

Have you ever wanted to be with someone so bad it actually hurt?

Have you ever felt like you wouldn't see them again if you missed even a second?

This is exactly how I felt about Matt. And this is exactly what I wanted to have. Because it is exactly what everyone instinctively wants.

In their hearts.

In their souls.

In their minds.

I used to always lay in the backyard with the guys. We'd all be getting drunk, or smoking pot, or just being idiots in general. We'd lay down and look up at the stars and pretend we could see things that weren't there. The one that always made me laugh was when Matt would point up and say, "I see Kara's ass."

No matter how sober or drunk or high I was, I always laughed. I don't know why. It earned him a black eye from Aron the first time he said it. I never thought anything of it, but I suppose now it was his way of making sure I knew he was still there.

I could never have forgotten him, though. He was my best friend, after Meredith. I always sat next to him at the movies. I always stole his hat when he had one. I always walked beside him went we went somewhere.

It wasn't anything I planned on. I just did it out of instinct. Even when I dated George and Jorel. I felt drawn to him, and I didn't know why. It was like I hadn't been dating him just for the past couple months, but my entire life.

I never spoke to him when I was dating Alex, mostly because Alex hated him. I never defended Matt when I heard Alex call him "the curly-haired retard", and I never stood up for him. He was my best friend, and I did nothing.

I felt awful, but I kept quiet because I thought I loved Alex. If he was going to keep banging me, I didn't care what he said. In that way, I'm more like my brother than anyone I know.

I used to get daily calls from all of them- Matt, Aron, Meredith, Dillon, George, Jordan, even Jorel. I had so many unread voicemails, I was overwhelmed. But the calls stopped after they learned I wasn't going to pick up for any of them. I would sometimes call one of their phones from a pay phone just to hear their voices, but I never said anything.

Alex did step out of line once, though, when he called Matt a faggot. I disappeared for three days, ignoring his calls and texts and just altogether being alone. Even then, I didn't call anyone back in LA. I wanted to, but something kept my hand for reaching for my phone.

I almost went to one of their big concerts they were at in Bakersfield. I bought the tickets and everything, but instead I went to the movies. Something just wasn't right, and I didn't know what.

When I called home after I broke up with Alex, Matt had answered. At first I didn't say anything, but I eventually managed to choke out, "Aron, please."

At that point, I was handed to Aron and I immediately began sobbing. I couldn't remember what exactly I'd told him, but the next day I was on a bus back to LA. You know the rest of that story.

After we'd established our feelings wasn't the first time Matt and I had had sex. It was shortly after Jorel and I had broken up, sometime at Aron's 21st birthday party. Just under 18 and vulnerable as hell, I'd taken Matt upstairs and we fucked in my parents' bedroom. Actually, a couple times. After that, though, we never really talked about it.

I thought back on it now, though, as we sat in the living room. I stared down at him. I couldn't tell if I was scared or happy or nervous. Maybe I was all three. I was in a daze, and I couldn't say anything.

"Kara?" he said.

I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. He wasn't giving up, though. Instead, he sat there, waiting for me to either confirm or deny his suspicions, whatever they may be.

I looked down at the ring again, five diamonds set in a gold band. I let out an exasperated sigh, almost a laugh. He raised his eyebrows, waiting for me to say something. I let out another one, involuntarily, and I smiled.

"Yes," I said. "Yes."