Dove and Grenade

I'd had enough when Matt was silent even when we got to the house. I let the silence grow through getting dressed and getting a drink, but after that I couldn't take it. I stopped him in the dining room.

"Matt, what the fuck is going on?" I demanded. "And don't say nothing because that's obviously not what it is."

"You wanna know?" snapped Matt.

"Yes, I'd like to know," I said.

"You're going back to Bakersfield," Matt said. "That's what's going on."

"Why does that bother you?" I asked.

"Because you're supposed to be here," said Matt.

"I'm supposed to be wherever the hell I want to be, and right now I want to be doing something I've dreamed of all my life."

"So we're all supposed to just let you walk away again?"

"Matt, I won't be gone forever-"

"You'll be gone long enough!" Matt shouted. "Sometimes things happen. People change. You could be a totally different person when you come back- if you come back."

"I've wanted to do this my whole life," I explained. "I am not going to let this chance slide by. I'm gonna do what I can."

"That's fucking great that you've wanted to do this your entire life," Matt said. "You used to talk about it all the time when we were kids. But we need you here. I need you here."

"And I need you to understand that this is my decision, and I'm going."

"Fucking fantastic! Go, then! What the fuck are you waiting for? I'm not gonna stop you! You wanna go so bad, then get out of here-"

"Matt..." His last sentence cut me deep. I felt my face growing hot and saw the tears blurring my vision.

"I'm not doing this because I want to leave you," I said. "I'm doing this because I need this job."

"Why do you need it?" asked Matt. "Undead brings in plenty of money."

"So I'm supposed to sit here and mooch off you and Aron and everyone else?" I scoffed. "You have got to be kidding me. You know I'm not like that."

"If it keeps you here, then I wish you would be like that."

"Yeah, well I'm not. So get over it."

"You don't need the job, Kara. You want the job."

"So what?" I said. "You're gonna stop me from doing what I love? This is pathetic, Matt, we shouldn't even be having this argument-"

"No, we shouldn't, but I'm sick of seeing you get hurt. Every fucking time I turned around, there you were- getting rejected, getting dumped, getting your heart fucking broken. I love you, Kara. I don't want to see you get hurt again."

"What makes you think I'd get hurt?"

"Because you always do. I've grown up with you. I know you. I know what attracts you and most of the time it's shit that backfires."

"I'm a big girl, Matty. I can handle things on my own."

"Sometimes you can't! Sometimes we have to fix the problems for you. Me and Aron and George and-"

"I don't need your help!" I snapped. "And I certainly don't need your opinion!"

"Why did you even come back to LA then? If you're just gonna go back to Bakersfield anyway, why did you come back?"

I was shaking now. I began wringing my hands, a nervous habit I had, and I felt a tear make its way down my cheek. It was silent then, and I sat down at the dining room table. Matt sat down beside me.

"Hey, come here," he said softly, putting an arm around me.

I pushed him off and said, "Just go, Matt."

He sat there for a second as I crossed my arms on the table and lay my head down. He eventually got up and left, but I can't remember how long he'd listened to me crying. I couldn't have cared less at that point.

It was longer still that I sat there listening to myself cry before getting up and going to lay down on the couch. I lay awake for awhile, not thinking of anything. I'm sure my subconscious was in full swing, though, because that night I had nightmares.