Dove and Grenade

Lauren and Jordan each had an arm around my shoulders, both completely trashed. It was close to midnight, and I knew Jordan was waiting to make the biggest deal of the new year. Lauren kissed my cheek and sighed dramatically.

"Jordan, darling," she said. "Would you go get me some more booze?"

"Whaddya drinkin'?" asked Jordan, taking her cup.

"What am I always drinking?" laughed Lauren.

Jordan smiled and walked away with their cups in his hand. Lauren poked me in the side, and I hiccuped.

"I'm gonna miss you," she said.

"I'll miss you more," I replied.

"Is that so?" she said. "You can't prove it."

"At least you've got all the guys and Meredith here," I sighed. "Who do I have? Alex?"

"Alex?" Lauren repeated.

"Not that I'm gonna see him," I said quickly. "Just that I only know him in Bakersfield."

Lauren nodded slowly, raising one eyebrow. I took a deep breath.

"You know, I'm gonna be right back," I said.

I hurriedly began walking away. Once I'd reached the hallway, I began circling back around the house. I greeted friends of Matt's and friends of mine as necessary, and eventually I saw Matt. He had his back turned and was talking to Jorel.

Please, don't let Decker say anything.

I casually walked to where I could hear properly, praying that Jorel wouldn't tell Matt everything he'd heard the other day.

"-come around eventually," said Matt. "She was just being a baby. She'll see she can't live ten minutes without-"

"Matt..."

He turned around and saw me, and he smiled. Something in me reacted, and I shook my head.

"Don't smile at me, Matt," I snapped. "I'm being the baby? This is my dream, and you can't just fucking accept it. You keep complaining to everyone but me. You can't stop me by circling the block, Matt-"

"Kara, will you calm down?" Matt said quietly.

"No, I will not calm down!" I said. "I'm sick of this shit. This is all I've dealt with for the last week, and you can't just shut up and be happy for me! This is what I want! Why can't you be happy for me?"

"I am happy for you, Kara," said Matt. "I just don't see why-"

"You don't care, Matt!" I said, my voice wavering. "You don't care that this is what I want to do! You don't care that I'm trying to make this work! All you care about is me being with you all the time!"

"You're making a scene-"

"I'm not making a scene, Matt! Listen to me, goddamnit!"

The entire house went silent. The only sound was my ragged breathing trying to keep down my tears. Matt set his drink down and held up his arms.

"I'm here," he said. "I'm listening. What do you want?"

"I want you to support me no matter what I do," I cried. "I want you to be there for me. I want you to love me enough to let me do my own thing."

"And I don't already do those things?" Matt said.

"You don't want me to go to Bakersfield," I said. "You want me to stay here so you can get a good night's sleep and a good morning fuck every once in awhile. You want me to play the good little housewife for you-"

"I've never said any of those things-"

"They were implied."

I wiped my tears away and took another deep breath.

"And what about when you're gone, huh?" I asked. "What am I supposed to do then? Sit around while you're off in New York or London or Tokyo or wherever the fuck you go on your tours? No. I'm not doing it. I'm not going to be your stupid little house sitter."

"Kara, I never said I wanted you to stay at home," Matt said. "I figured you'd come with me and-"

"Don't bullshit me, Matt," I said. "I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of fighting and crying and being mad at you, but you make it so goddamned easy. You make it so easy for me to hate you, and I don't like that."

"I don't want you to be mad at me, Kara-"

"Then stop making me feel like shit."

The clock beeped, and Jordan stumbled back into the room.

"Happy new year!" he shouted, throwing confetti into the air.

I glanced over at him, but his expression went dark when he saw us. I unhooked the necklace from around my neck and handed it back to Matt.

"I'll talk to you later," I said.

I turned and walked out of the house, slamming the door behind me.