Sample Disc

I feel.

I feel gross.

And stupid.

And holy shit, what did I just do.

And it’s like, we’re naked, and I’m naked, and she’s naked, what the fuck did I just do.

“Who knew you’d come out of your shell like this, Ryan.” She grins like it’s okay that this happened. This is not okay. This will never be okay.

And I’m not saying anything. I’m just laying there, laying there like I’m there with him but it’s really her, and oh my God, what did I just do.

And I wasn’t drunk. Or, like, I was completely capable of making decisions.

And I was completely capable of saying <i>no</i> when I ran into Keltie at the store, and when she asked if I wanted to go back to her place to hang out, I could have said ”No. Remember that Brendon kid? I’m still with him.”

I could have. Oh my God, I could have. Holy shit, I didn’t.

And when she offered me something to drink, I still had a chance at redemption. I could have said, ”A water would be awesome, thanks.” and it would have been catching up with an old friend and some water, and eventually it would have been, ”Oh, hey, I’ve got to go. My boyfriend and I got into a fight, I should go make up with him.”

And, so, maybe I didn’t think I would regret it. Maybe that’s what I always think.

And when she kissed me, I could have stopped it. I could have said, ”Hey, I like you and all, but I’m in a relationship.” and I could have gone home. I could have.

And when we moved to the bedroom, I could have said, ”These are nice sheets. I should go get some for Brendon and I. I’ll go do that right now.”

And when she took her clothes off, I could have said, ”Hey, this has been fun. But, I have to go and see if Brendon is home yet.”

And I could have left, could have called Brendon and told him about what almost happened, and he’d be mad at first, but then I would tell him that I stopped it because of how much I love him.

But, I didn’t.

And she left the light on.

And every detail was too sharp and too clear and everything felt good when it happened, because when does it not, but I should have stopped it, and I should have said no, but I felt so free.

And it’s like, fuck freedom, because who needs freedom when you’ve got Brendon?

I need freedom. Holy shit, I need freedom.

“Keltie,” I took my time breathing afterwards. “I’ve got… I shouldn’t have,” and I don’t know what to say, because really, I did enjoy myself. “I’m with someone.” I exhale quietly, like I’m ashamed.

She looked over to me so quickly, so sharply, it could have cut like a knife.

“It’s whatever, Ryan. These things happen. It’s not like it was intentional on either part.”

These things just happen? How do things like this just happen?

“I guess.” I sigh, looking down at my lap where my fingers are twisting and turning together.

And it’s quiet for too long and I feel horrified, because what if Brendon finds out and what if he leaves me and what if I never find anyone ever again and what if I die alone and and and and and and and and and.

“Ryan, don’t look so scared.” I look up, and she’s smirking at me like she knows what I’m thinking, and I don’t like it at all. “You’re good looking. I mean, you probably know that, but I’m good looking, too. When two good looking people get together, things happen. It’s kind of natural. This isn’t anything serious.”

I shrug, pulling the sheets closer to me, because if they’re close enough, no one will be able to see how much I enjoyed myself.

“I should go.” I breathe, rolling off of the bed to get to my clothes.

And it’s like, I shouldn’t feel this good. I shouldn’t be this pleased with myself. I shouldn’t be this angry at Brendon. I don’t even know why I’m angry at him.

“Whatever.” Keltie yawns. “If you wanna’ do this again some time, feel free to call.” She smirks, scribbling down her number on a piece of paper that has a monogram of hello kitty in the lower corner. And she’s the devil on my shoulder, or maybe I am, or maybe Brendon is, and maybe I’ll give her a call some time.

And as I’m leaving, and I’m almost in my car, my phone starts ringing it, and I answer it sound more pleased with myself than I have in a while.

“Hey,” Brendon says, and his voice sounds sad, and I can feel a little pang in my heart, but really, I’m flying too high to care at the moment.

“Hey.” I say back, climbing into the car, sitting for a moment.

“I’m sorry,” he says, “about the other day. I shouldn’t have gotten that angry. I know you’re going through a lot.”

“Yeah.” I breathe, trying to sound like I’m listening. I don’t ever recall feeling this bitter.

“It’s just… I kind of miss you, Ryan. I mean,” he takes a breath, and I pull out of the parking space I’m in. “I really miss you.”

“I miss you, too.” I say. I’m not really listening. My mind is so many places, and I’m thinking about how I feel bad for what I did, and how I don’t really care at all. Freedom.

And it’s like, lying to Brendon used to be the hardest thing in the world, and why does it seem to be coming so easily?

And really, it’s not hard to get on my good side, nor is it hard to get on my bad side, and I think Brendon may be on my bad side right now.

“Hey, baby,” and I never call him baby, and I hope he doesn’t realize that I just have, because I don’t want him suspecting anything, “I’m driving right now, can we talk later?”

And I’m trying to be nice, and I hope it’s working.

It takes a moment for him to respond, and I can hear the apprehension in his voice when he finally shoves words off of his tongue and out of his mouth.

“Yeah.” He breathes, “but, Ryan,” and for a moment, I focus all of my attention on his voice, sounding so sad, and so worried, and what the fuck is going on with me. “if you’re like, pissed at me or something, you can tell me. I get that I was kind of being a dick before.”

And for a moment, I consider telling him the truth. I almost say ”Brendon, I just slept with someone else, and I kind of enjoyed it, but I still love you.” but instead I say, “No, I’m not mad. But I’ve got to go. Love you.” And hang up the phone.

And I think maybe if I pretend I was never upset, he’ll never bother me about it.

And I’ve said it before, that once something dies, it’s impossible to bring it back to life.

And that part of me that’s died continues to grow larger.