The Smile You Fake, The Steps You Take

POINT OF VIEW: Amanda Rothman.

A week passed slowly, just the way I wanted it to be. The boys and I didn't get into any more trouble, surprisingly enough, though Jack did crowd-surf a few times and nearly broke his nose during one incident. We moved on from Iowa to Minnesota, which was surprisingly entertaining, but mostly because I spent most afternoons at the Mall of America with the boys. Alex and Jack got kicked out of several stores on one particular day, finally causing us to give up on shopping and hang out in the amusement park in the center of the mall. I took to clinging to John's arm on every single ride we went on. I was pretty much terrified of heights, even though we weren't really that far up off the ground. But still, it was the basic principle of being high up. That really didn't make sense to anybody but me, something which I couldn't care less about. I was scared, and that was that.

Another week passed, one during which the guys had a show to play almost every day. They were exhausted and didn't have the energy to hang out with me very much that week, so I spent most nights sleeping on the couch on The Maine's tourbus with John. It was the only time that we had together during that week, and even though he was sleeping it made me feel better, being close to him. We held hands whenever we walked anywhere and he playfully gave me piggy-back rides everywhere around the venues. Jack became a bit more irritated and dark as the days passed but I simply figured that he was tired because of all the shows he'd had to play in a row. Jack put his entire being into performances, so it made sense that he'd be on the edge of death after seven concerts in a row.

Thank god, after seven straight days of shows, both bands had two weeks off until the next concert. We all decided that we would drive straight-through to the venue and spend whatever time of the two weeks that we had left exploring the city and messing around wherever we could. I opted to ride with The Maine during the entire drive from Minnesota to Colorado, something Jack and Alex weren't very happy about. They would send me about a million texts a day, begging me to switch busses as soon as we had to stop for gas, but I refused. I hadn't had quality time with John for weeks, and if we were going to work out as a couple that was something we needed to work on.

"Please? Please? Please? Please?" Jack begged over the phone one afternoon. I'd taken to ignoring his texts so he started calling me every ten minutes.

"Jack, oh my God. I told you, I'm hanging out with John," I sighed and John laughed. He found it entertaining that Jack and Alex were trying so desperately to recruit me onto their bus. "Shut up!" I hissed at him, smirking. "I hate you."

"I love you, too!" John whispered back, his smirk matching my own.

"'Manda! Please?" Jack begged one final time, sounding slightly dejected.

"Jesus Christ, fine!" I cried. "Next stop I'll hang out with you guys."

"For the rest of the ride to colorado?"

I nodded. "Yeah, whatever. Sure."

"Thanks, dearest!" Alex cried in the background before Jack hung up.

John sighed. "So you're gonna switch busses, right?" he asked.

I nodded and frowned, sitting down next to him on the couch and tucking my legs under myself. "Chill out, it'll be fine," I bit my lip and leaned against him, resting my head on his chest. He wrapped his arm around me and smoothed down my hair.

"Then let's just sit together until the next stop, okay?" he suggested, kissing my forehead. "Because you know that once you step onto that bus there's no getting back off. They'll probably get Rian to sit on you or something. Whatever it takes, you know?"

I laughed and nodded. "They probably would do that, too. Which is the sad thing."

"They really care about you, that's all. You've known them longer than most of us."

"With the exception of you," I pointed out.

He smiled. "Yeah. Friends since diapers, you and me."

I grinned, recalling the days when we used to hang out together as little kids. We had learned how to swim together, how to ride a bike...hell, we'd even taken baths together when we were infants. "I wish you'd never moved."

"I know, me too. We would have been so much closer." When I was thirteen, about to turn fourteen and go into high school, my family had moved. He no longer lived next door to me, I no longer saw him every single day, and I lost my best friend. We kept in touch, but nothing was the same. "I miss those days. Remember when your dad broke my slip-n-slide?"

I giggled and pressed my lips together. "Good times. I can't believe all the stuff that we went through together."

He was still playing with my hair when he responded several minutes later. "You better just get some rest, Amanda. God knows that those guys aren't gonna let you sleep."

I obliged and closed my eyes, still leaning against his chest and breathing in his clean scent. Half-asleep, I yawned and took John's hand. "I'm so happy, I hope you know that," I whispered, and just barely heard him reply, "Me too, Mandy, me too," before falling asleep in his arms.

- - -

"tTme to wake up!"

I jolted awake and sat up, pushing my hair out of my face. "What?" I yawned, sleepily getting to my feet and stumling on thin air. "Where are we?"

"We're in scenic middle of nowhere, and it's time to switch busses!" Kennedy shouted, scooping me up in his arms and skipping towards the door.

"John, save me!" I giggled, reaching out a hand. He grabbed it and held on firmly for a moment before smiling, blowing me a kiss, and letting go.

"I'll see you in colorado!" he called as Kennedy and I disappeared down the stairs. Kennedy marched across the gas station to All Time Low's bus, where he dumped me uncerimoniously in front of the door and retreated.

"Amanda!" I heard somebody screech from within the bus. The door banged open to reveal Alex launching himself at me. "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda!" he cried, jumping on top of me and hugging me tightly. "I missed you!" He sounded like a little kid, but I loved it.

"I missed you, too!" I giggled, hugging him back. "So am I allowed to get on the bus? Or do I need to stay on the hard cement and be tackled?"

"Nah, come in," Rian called from the top of the stairs.

"We missed you, sweetheart!" I heard Zack shout from inside. I grinned and mounted the steps. I missed my boys. Just as I was about to climb onto the bus, John came jogging up.

"Miss me already?" I laughed and hugged him.

"Our driver told me to ask the guys if their bus was ready to go," he explained, hugging me back.

"Amanda, c'mon, close the door!" Jack called and appeared at the top of the stairs. "We're ready to - oh. hi."

I frowned. "John wants to know if the bus is ready to go."

"Yes," he said shortly.

John nodded. "Alright. Thanks, man."

"Whatever."

I pressed my lips together and glared at Jack.

"What?" he wanted to know. this simply made me more furious.

Behind Jack, the bus driver turned the key in the ignition. The engine sputtered and didn't turn over. "Shit." he attempted again. Fail. "There's something wrong with the engine, I'm gonna have to check it out."

"How long will that take?" John asked.

"I don't know," the driver replied as he pushed past the three of us down the steps. "Your bus can go ahead and get going, we'll catch up with you at the next rest stop. Just keep in contact with the guys, alright?"

John nodded but asked, "Are you guys okay with that?"

I shrugged. "I suppose so."

Jack nodded, "Yeah, just go."

John frowned. "Okay," he replied and hugged me close. "I'll see you in colorado," he whispered in my ear and I hugged him tighter. I was going to miss him, even if it was only a day or two without him. There was quite obviously something wrong with Jack and I wasn't sure if I wanted to be alone with him on the bus for several days.

"I'll miss you," I sighed and burried my head in his shoulder.

"I know, I'll miss you too. Just chill out, you'll be fine. Have fun" With that, John retreated to his own bus. As soon as his bus pulled back onto the main road and was out of sight, Jack sighed. "Thank God," he said and strode back into the bus with a strange new spring in his step.

That's it, I thought furiously before following Jack up the steps. Enough was enough. "Jack, can I have a word with you?"

"Yup, shoot," he said, dropping onto the couch.

"Um, no. Outside."

Rian, Zack, and Alex glanced at each other. "Are you okay, Amanda?" Zack asked, looking concerned.

"I'm fucking fantastic," I snapped. "Jack, outside. Now."

He groaned and got to his feet, slowly walking toward the stairs. I shoved him forward and down the stairs before slamming the door loudly behind myself.

"Why are you acting like this?" I demanded as soon as the door snapped shut.

"Like what?" Jack challenged, crossing his arms defiantly.

I groaned in frustration. "Like an asshole! You haven't been nice to john at all. I'm starting to think that something's up but I can't figure out exactly what it is.

He frowned. "Am I being too subtle about this? Because I thought I was being pretty damn clear."

"About what?" I cried. "gGd, Jack, you're so cryptic. What do you want from me? I'm not a fucking mindreader!"

He mumbled something incoherently and grabbed his two-toned hair, tugging on it as he looked in every direction as if someone was going to pop out and save us from the awkwardness we were drowning in. He let go of his hair and closed his eyes, almost as if he was summoning up the courage for his next statement. "I like you! Fuck. Just, I really fucking do!" he shouted, then added quietly, "Shit."

"Jack -" I stammered, completely stunned. Sure, John had had his suspicions about this but I'd never quite bought into them.

"No, just listen," he snapped. "You wanted to know what's up with me, so just listen to it." He paused and then said, "I like you and I always have. I might even l - never mind. Just ... you're beautiful, talented, funny, smart, amazing...you're able to put up with my shit and can always make me feel better, even when no one else can. You're always there for me, and you make me feel shit that I've never felt before." He paused again, looking abashed. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Jack just told me that he really likes me, nearly dropped the l-word. What was I supposed to do now? "I was ready to make my move two weeks ago, the same day that John asked you out, but obviously he beat me to it. I mean, you must understand how that made me feel, right? I thought I lost my shot with you, and that's still what I think. Now every time he touches you or makes you smile, all I want to do is kick him in his stupid face, because the only thing I can think is, 'That should be me.'" He paused then finished loudly, "So that's what the fuck is up."

I stared at him mutely, shocked into silence. Oh my God. It took a long moment for me to recover from my shock before saying slowly, "Jack ... what took you so long? You should have said something" - I looked down - "before. Earlier."

He nodded. "I know."

"But...you're right," I sighed, rubbing my eyes. "This isn't fair to anybody. I like John, I really do. I'm always happy when he's around and he makes me smile, but when he kisses me" - Jack flinched at this - "or when I hold his hand, I'm not ... I just ... he's wonderful, but he's not you."

Jack smiled slightly and let it fade quickly. "What now?"

"I don't know," I said, my voice cracking. It would kill me to dump John, but I simply didn't feel the same things for him that I felt for Jack. It was unfair to everyone, including myself, to keep dating him when every second of every day was spent wondering what would happen if my best friend felt the same way I felt about him. And now he did.

"Will he be upset? You know, if you - well, if you don't end up choosing him?"

"He'll understand."

"How do you know?"

remembering the day that john asked me to be his girlfriend, I smiled wanly. "Just trust me."

It was silent. For a long moment we just stood there not knowing what to say or do. Finally Jack stepped forward a tiny bit and brushed my hair away from my eyes, leaving his hand on the side of my face. "Your eyes are gorgeous, Amanda. Have I ever told you that?"

I blushed, looked at the ground, and shook my head.

"It's true," he said, smiling as he tipped back my face so I was looking up at him. "Prettiest I've ever seen." With his spare hand he laced his fingers through my own and squeezed lightly. "Do you know how much I like you?" he asked rhetorically, brushing his thumb across my cheek. "How long I've wanted this to be real?"

"Show me," I whispered.

He got the familiar mischevious glint in his eyes and leaned toward me, slowly closing the space between us. I took a deep breath and the cologne I'd bought him for his birthday last year filled my nostrils. Instead of kissing me, first Jack rested his nose and forehead against my own so we were looking into each other's eyes. I grinned inexplicably, loving how just a look from him made me feel. He tilted his head to the side and I let my eyes slide shut. There was less than an inch of space separating us when he whispered, "You're the most amazing girl i've ever met," causing my breath to catch in my throat. I was going to reply, but then he pressed his soft lips against mine and all other thoughts completely left me.

At first it was a soft, innocent, gentle kiss, but in less than five seconds it turned into something very different. Jack suddenly had me pressed against the side of the bus, one hand on the small of my back and the other tangled in my hair. I had both my hands on his chest, but moved one so that I could wrap it around his neck and pull him closer. The way he was kissing me was almost urgent, as if he was trying to make up for all the time we had wasted. Part of me knew that I shouldn't be doing this: I hadn't broken up with John yet, Jack was two years older than me, and God forbid that someone got a picture of this. However, the other part of me was screaming, "To hell with everybody else! You like Jack and he likes you. You're best friends and you're meant to be together. What could possibly go wrong?"

My life was becoming such a complicated mess, but I no longer cared. I originally wanted to go on tour with All Time Low to have new adventures and experiences, and I was sure getting my wish.

When I could no longer breathe I pushed Jack away. "Woah," he snickered breathlessly. "I've wanted to do that for so long."

"Did it live up to your expectations?"

He shook his head. "It was better."

I couldn't help but grin at him. "You mean so much to me, Jack."

He smiled and smoothed down my hair, which had become tangled and messy. "We better get back inside."

"Why?" I asked quietly, planting a single kiss on his lips and smiling mischeviously, acting a lot braver about our situation than I truly felt. "We could just stay out here."

"Well," he whispered back, "judging by the way the driver is staring at us, I think the bus is fixed and it's time to go."

I turned to see the driver completely gaping at us, as if he couldn't quite believe his eyes. "Uh...time to leave, the bus is good to go," he muttered upon catching my eye.

I nodded self-consciously and turned to open the door, not saying anything to Jack. "That was embarrassing," I whispered to him as I mounted the bus.

Jack simply shrugged. "Whatever," he laughed.

Jack and I dropped onto the couch and smiled at Alex, Rian, and Zack, who had been waiting silently for us.

"You guys were gone for a long time," Rian observed.

"Yeah, we thought Amanda was murdering you," Alex chimed in.

Jack smirked and glanced at me before replying, "Nah. Not even close."