The Smile You Fake, The Steps You Take

POINT OF VIEW: Amanda Rothman.

It was another week before the bus arrived in Colorado. We never caught up with John's tour bus until we reached our final destination. I'd been building up my courage to talk to John, but when the time came to get off the bus and see him, I didn't want to. Jack and I had managed to keep our hands off each other on the bus. We didn't want Alex, Rian, and Zack to know that we'd kissed, otherwise they might think of me badly for doing something like that when I already had a boyfriend. I mean, maybe they would understand, but what if they didn't? I couldn't stand for them to look upon me badly. I'd known them since my freshman year and their friendship meant the world to me. They were my best friends and though they were very tolerant of my mistakes, maybe this would be one that they couldn't overlook.

When the bus pulled into the venue, Alex got to his feet and stretched. "Excited to see John?" he asked with a smile.

I faked a grin and swallowed nervously. "Yeah, can't wait," I lied. The truth of the matter was, my stomach had been doing nervous flips for the past two hours of highway. Now I just wanted to puke, curl up under the covers of my bed, and never come out. I mean, who knew how hard John would take this? He said that he would understand, but that was before we became a couple. Maybe now he'd take it much harder. The last thing I wanted to do was break the heart of my oldest friend. Come on, Amanda, suck it up. You've gotta do what you've gotta do.

Nothing prepared me for the moment when I stepped off the bus, discretely holding onto Jack's hand for support, and John came running up to me. "Amanda!" he cried, hugging me with a mile-wide grin on his face. "I missed you!"

"I missed you too," I choked out, releasing Jack's hand so I could hug John. Before I could veer away, John gave me a short kiss on the lips. Oh God. I jerked away sharply and he looked surprised.

"Oh, um ... I'm sorry," he stammered, unsure of himself. He stepped back uncertainly and looked me up and down. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I replied hoarsely, nodding too vigorously. It had been as if I was afraid that, upon his lips touching mine, John would detect that somebody else's mouth had been on it as well. Which, obviously, was absurd.

"Are you sure? Because you look really messed up," Kennedy added as he strolled past.

"Shut up, Ken," John called after him, frowning, then turned back to me. "Hey, I think we need to talk, don't we?"

I looked down and nodded, trying to hold back tears welling up in my eyes. I didn't want to do this.

He nodded slowly and put his arm around my shoulder, guiding me away from the boys. He found a small, secluded area and sat down on the cement, patting the ground next to him. I obliged and let my head rest on his shoulder, still fighting back tears. "You wanna tell me what's going on?" he looked at me with concerned eyes and took my hand.

"John, I'm so sorry. I just..." What had I gotten myself into? "I love you, really. Just not in the way that I should. Not the way that you deserve."

He was quiet for a moment before nodding slowl and hugged me. I closed my eyes, finally allowing the tears to drip down my cheeks. "It's okay. I - I get it. Don't feel bad."

"I can't help it!" I whimpered. "I feel terrible. You have no idea. But this just isn't fair to anybody."

"Shh, I know. Trust me, I'm okay with it." John stroked my hair gently and then pushed me away so he could look me in the eyes. "I'm fine, see? I only want you to be happy."

I smiled and hugged him. "You're amazing, John. and you're going to find somebody who appreciates that." I added in an undertone, "I wish so much that that person could be me, but it just isn't ... and I don't think it ever will be."

"Once again, I understand," he laughed. "I've seen the way you and Jack look at one another. You were made for each other, and I think all of us can see that."

I had to smile at this. "I guess you're right."

"I know that I am," he corrected and wiped the tears from my eyes. "So buck up, happy camper."

I grinned and nodded, slowly getting to my feet. "Thanks, John. I love you."

"I love you, too," he smiled and tussled my hair. "Now go and get him."

I laughed and rolled my eyes. "Oh yeah, now that I look completely awful I'm gonna go seduce somebody. Great plan."

He shrugged. "You always look beautiful, even when you think you're at your worst."

POINT OF VIEW: Jack Barakat.

Amanda and John were gone for a long time, and the first thing I thought was, shit, she couldn't do it. She's probably behind some building making out with him or something. But then out of nowhere she came running at Alex, Rian, Zack, and me. John was trailing far behind her, hands in his pockets and a smile on his face. Jesus fuck. She hadn't done it. Why would he be looking so happy if she'd just dumped him? Or maybe Amanda had been right when she said John would understand. If that was the case, John had quickly become a very cool guy again. Not many people could walk away from a dumping like this with a grin planted firmly on his face.

"Jack!" Amanda shouted, a grin spreading across her face.

"What's up with her?" Alex asked, turning to me.

I shrugged and lied, "No idea." She must have broken up with John. It was the only plausible explanation. I turned away from Alex just in time to realize that Amanda was literally throwing herself at me. I managed to catch her and not stumble, though I did have to lean back against the bus. She wrapped her legs around my waist and arms around my neck to hold herself up -- I nearly fell over but got a firm hold on her before doing so and making a fool of myself -- and kissed me, hard.

"Holy shit!" Alex shouted. "Dudes, do you fucking see what I do?"

Rian cried, "When the hell did this happen?"

Zack simply said, "Take this porno to a room or something."

Amanda pulled away and got her own footing before letting out a laugh. "Thank you, Zack. That's a real nice thing to say."

John came walking up behind Amanda and hugged her from the back. "Nicely done, whore," he laughed and she punched him in the chest.

"You asshole," she stuck out her tongue and shoved him off. "I don't wanna be around you, you're mean." She took up a position next to me and casually grasped my hand.

"So wait, what the fuck is going on here?" Alex shouted at the top of his lungs. "Why doesn't anybody tell me anything?"

John sighed and clasped Alex on the shoulder, leading him away from the group. "Let me help you understand some things, dearest Alexander," he began, and I couldn't help but laugh. Now that I wasn't in a competition for Amanda's affections, John was back to being a friend.

"Oay, I think I understand what's happening, so I'll skip the Q and A" Rian added, smiling. "I'm happy for you guys."

"Me, too," Zack offered, high-fiving me and giving Amanda a bear-hug.

"Thanks, guys," I grinned, glad that they approved and didn't find it awkward that we had feelings for one another. Once Rian and Zack had wandered off, Amanda asked me, "Alright, so now what?"

"Well, now we have a kick-ass show to play," I said. "Then we're heading back east for the last two concerts before we get a nice long break."

"Isn't Alex planning some sort of party for when we come back?" she asked hopefully. A party would be the perfect opportunity to show off our newly-cultivated relationship, I supposed.

"Yeah," I nodded. "It'll be a total blowout."

"Awesome," she smiled and kissed me lightly. "I can't wait."