The Smile You Fake, The Steps You Take

POINT OF VIEW: Amanda Rothman.

We left the next morning. I managed to stay away from both Alex and Jack on the bus, reverting to curling up in the corner with a my phone and iPod. Jack texted me several times asking me why I was so upset and why I wasn't talking, but I chose to ignore him. Alex also texted me asking me what I was thinking about and what last night had "meant for us." Just thinking about the word "us" describing me and Alex made me feel sick. I loved him, but I couldn't do it. Jack would be so upset, and would probably kill Alex, perhaps me as well. Whatever I chose, somebody was going to get hurt, and I didn't have the heart to do it to either of them. What was I going to do?

We arrived in pennsylvania at six o'clock that night for the second to last concert of the tour. I decided to stay in the bus, which turned out to be a wise choice. It gave me a chance to have the run of the entire place, stretching out across the couch to relax instead of curling up by myself in the corner. I tried to consider my situation and think of what to do, but I couldn't bring myself to logical thinking. I finally fell asleep with my iPod in, and when I woke up again it was dark, the bus was moving, and Jack was asleep next to me. He must have picked me up and carried me to the room that we'd always shared. I sighed and rolled over, getting as close to him as possible without waking him up. Being close to him again made me miss the days when everything between us was easy and simple. Boy liked girl, girl liked boy, they went out. There was no drama in that. But then Isabella had to come back into Jack's life, which had made me feel weird, almost inferior. And then enter Alex. He'd completely turned my life upside down in a matter of a few weeks, and now I was in love with two boys at once, two boys that were the absolute best of friends.

We were in Maryland the next afternoon, home sweet home. When I jumped off the tourbus and onto Alex's front lawn I kissed the ground and laid on my back. Finally I was going to be staying on solid ground. No more touring, no more cramped quarters...I'd have my own room, belongings and friends. Just like every other summer. Except for the fact, of course, that I would be going back to school for another torturous year while Alex and Jack were off touring and making new songs without me. They would hire a new photographer to take my place while I was in school. Maybe they'd forget about me or something. I hated to admit it, but I was scared. I'd much rather not finish high school and just tour with the boys. They had tons of hookups, anyway; they could definitely get me into any photography or music magazine in America. I could trust them with my future, of course, but my parents couldn't.

"You want to help me and Zack fix up stuff for tonight's party?" Rian asked, holding out a hand to help me to my feet. I accepted it and nodded, smiling.

"Yeah, sounds fun. Are we just gonna clean stuff up and find all the food?"

Zack nodded. "We've got a few hours until we need to be at the venue, and then the party starts forty-five minutes after the show ends."

"Let's get to work, boys," I smiled, waving over Jack and Alex. Tonight was the night that everything would get resolved once and for all, I could tell. I could have Alex, and I could have Jack, but I couldn't have both of them.

Their concert that night was the best one yet. They'd had so much energy that it was insane, jumping off things and twirling in circles and swearing to kindom come. I'd been laughing nearly the entire time from the side of the stage. I jumped at Alex the second he stepped off the stage.

"You did so good tonight!" I grinned and allowed him to hug me closer. I pulled away and turned to Jack to give him a hug as well. "Good job, Jacky."

He smiled and let go. "You're hugging me now? I thought you didn't want anything to do with me."

I shrugged. "I'm getting closer to forgiving you," I smiled, though I noticed Alex wince from the corner of my eye. We all really needed to talk. "Okay, so i'm gonna head back to Alex's place to arrange the food and stuff for the party. Alex, can you come with? I don't know where your party stuff is."

He nodded, taking the hint. "Yeah. I'll see you guys at the house in like, half an hour."

Alex and I started to walk away when I heard Jack call my name. I turned and he said shyly, "Hey, when I get to Alex's can we...can we talk? I've got some stuff to say to you." I nodded and continued along my way with Alex. As soon as we were out of sight from Jack and the others, he put his arm around me. The weird thing was, I allowed him to leave it there.

It only took us a few minutes to drive to Alex's house, considering that I floored my car. We went inside and I started to riffle through his cabinets, pulling out bags of chips and large bowls, setting them up along the kitchen counters while Alex set up speakers and amps. "Do you have your iPod?" he called from across the room.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my black nano, tossing it to him. "There's a party playlist on there, I'm pretty sure," I offered. He connected the iPod and carefully set it on a table.

"I think we need to talk."

"Yeah, I think so," I sighed, sitting down on the couch next to him. He put his arm around me and tried to speak, but nothing came out. I said quietly, "I love you, Alex, I really do."

He rubbed his eyes, presumably pushing back tears. "I know. I love you too. But Jack would kill us."

I frowned and looked down. "I know. But-"

"Hey, don't worry," he sighed and took my hand. "We'll figure something out."

I smiled. "You're always so positive, I don't know how you do it."

"It's simple, really," he stated, smiling back and moving closer to me. "I've got amazing people around me. People like you." He leaned closer still. I knew what he was going to do; part of me wanted to jump up and run away, but another part told me that this was what I truly wanted. He was so close to me that I could feel his breath on my cheeks. This was my last chance to get myself out of this mess, but I didn't stop him. He kissed me. In a moment he was on top of me, his hands in my hair and mine on his shoulders, pulling him closer to me. What was I even doing? How could I be doing this? What kind of awful person did this sort of thing to her wonderful boyfriend? The kind of girl who was completely torn between two equally amazing boys. I was gathering the strength and willpower to push him away when somebody spoke. Well, more like shouted.

"Amanda?!"

Alex and I shot up and spaced ourselves as far as possible from each other. Caught in the act by Jack Barakat. "Jack-"

"What the hell are you doing?" he shouted, glaring at Alex.

"Jack, listen," Alex said slowly.

Jack shoved Alex. "How could you do that to me? What the fuck is that about?" He shoved Alex again, this time knocking him over.

"Jack!" I cried, appauled.

"No, don't talk to me," he snapped, turning away. "I'm done."

"Jack, please!" I cried, rushing after him. I didn't even think to say anything to Alex, simply left him behind in his living room, probably wondering what the hell was going on. "Jack!" I followed him out the front door. Once outside, he whirled around to face me.

"How could you?" he shouted, looking hurt. "Especially with my best friend! What's wrong with you?"

"I'm sorry," I cried, on the verge of tears. "I didn't mean to, honestly!"

He laughed bitterly. "You didn't mean to?" he practically screamed at me. "You didn't mean to kiss Alex? You didn't mean to let him get on top of you? Let him pretty much feel you up? How could you have 'not meant' to do that? You meant to and you know it."

This was true, but I didn't want to admit it. I'd been so confused before, but now I knew where I stood. "Jack, please! It didn't mean anything!"

"It didn't mean anything?" I heard Alex ask quietly from the doorway.

"Alex, come on," I replied, turning away from Jack.

Without replying, he walked back into his house.

"Way to go, Amanda," Jack announced, looking disgusted with me. "Looks like you've broken two hearts tonight and the party hasn't even started yet." He started to walk to his car where Zack and Rian were waiting in the backseat, listening to the entire fight through a cracked window.

"Where are you going?" I asked softly.

"To get some shit for this damn party. I'll see you tonight," he snapped and climbed into the car, slamming the door and revving the engine loudly before pulling away from the curb.

An hour and a half later, the party was in full swing. I was dancing in the living room to a song by The Maine with a girl I'd met when the party started. She was pretty cool and I'd nearly forgotten all the problems that today had brought. Then Jack and Alex entered the party, fashionably late as always, with Rian and Zack.

"The boys!" somebody cheered wildly, then everyone clapped. "Killer show tonight!"

Alex smiled. "Thanks, man." I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to last through the night if I was forced to spend it staring across the room at the two most amazing boys in the world, both of which I'd completely crushed today.

"You don't look very happy," the girl I'd been dancing with noted.

"You don't understand, Nikki," I groaned, leaning against the wall behind us. She followed suit and settled in for a long story. The thing I was coming to learn about her was that she was a good listener. I'd only just met her but she seemed to be a good friend. "Tt's gotten so complicated and I can't take it."

"I'm game for a web of lies if you're up for telling it," she told me, smiling slightly.

I nodded and pulled on her arm, bringing her into the mostly uninhabited kitchen. It took almost forty-five minutes, but I got the entire story out to her. Nikki's mouth was hanging open by the time I was done talking.

"Mandy, oh my god," she gaped, covering her mouth. "I think you need to go talk to them, like right now."

I nodded, taking another painful sip of my practically acidic drink. "I know, but i'm scared."

"Give me your phone," she requested. I obliged and watched as she entered her contact information into it. We swapped and I did the same for her phone, then she tucked mine into my pocket for me. "Text me as soon as you've got news, mkay? I'll keep the party raging in the living room so you can bring Jack and Alex into the hall. But one at a time. we don't need any uncalled-for conflict and shit."

I nodded and hugged her tight. "You're awesome, you know that?"

She laughed and eased me away. "I know. Now go and fix things, alrighty?" Without waiting for an answer, she danced her way into the living room and cranked up the music. "Heeeeey, people!"

I took a deep breath and ventured into the crowd, picking Jack out immediately. I tugged on his arm and managed to extract him from the crowd. "Hey, c'mon," I urged and pulled him away from the crowd and into the stairwell. "I need to talk to you."

"I think the time for talking is done," he snapped, looking anxious to get away from me.

"Will you please listen? I'm trying to tell you that i'm sorry."

"I don't really care, if you haven't noticed." He started to walk away. Not knowing what to do, I cried out the first thing that came to mind.

"Jack, please, wait! I...I love you!"

He stopped dead in his tracks, not moving but not turning to face me, either. We remained that way for a long while. Finally, he glanced over his shoulder and said slowly, "I guess that's too damn bad." Then he was gone.